Saturday 27 September 2014

Day 60 – Sleepwalking


The last few days I have realised something strange happening around me and my room. Some of my items in my room would get displaced during the night, where as the next morning I would wake up and wonder how, or why has this item moved, or even appeared in my room.

So the first event took place about 2 nights back, when I went to bed I was fully clothed, with my flip flops next to my bed - as I wore them before going to bed.. the next morning I woke up without my t-shirt, and my flip flops standing in the precise middle of the TV room, perfectly  next to each other facing my room.. whats up with that? It was like someone had put it there for me to notice. Where I would usually just kick them out flying all over the place, and leave it where ever it lands. Just so that I can search for them every 5 minutes when they are in need - no reason why thou.

This was the first time that I noticed something was going on here, but ignored it. Until the new day broke upon me, where I would wake up looking at a random toilet paper role on my little bed table next to me - I am not a person to walk around with toilet paper or tissues for when I am sick or ill. I just don't do that - but here it was in my room next to my bed on the table staring at me, not knowing where it came from or when it was placed there, which was not done by me, and which was not there the previous night.

So this is the point I would like to investigate and explore more - sleepwalking. I had done this when I was a young boy under the age of 10 or 15, not completely sure. I also used to talk a lot in my sleep which is another part of this exploration process that I am going to attend now.

Friday 12 September 2014

Day 59 – Speaking Up, Part 3

When and as I see myself being nervous around other people while speaking to them, I stop and I breathe, I realise that I have nothing to be afraid of when speaking to them, realise that the information I have is solid, and integrated into my body, and therefore I have no need to be nervous.

When and as I see myself not being serious over my work I do, I stop and I breathe, I relaise that I have to be serious about it, but in the same time I can allow myself to have fun, and make jokes with the people I am dealing with to get them more involved into conversation etc.

When and as I see myself as being a clumsy guy because I don't (or didn't) know how to speak to others, or by becoming nervous about it, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this nervousness is just because I am not used to doing this type of work where I have to deal with people, and by doing this everyday, supporting myself within the breathe and with self-direction I will become better at what I do.

When and as I see myself defying myself as clumsy all over, with everything I do, and not only for when I have to speak, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is just a believe system, and not who I am.

When and as I see myself wanting to hide from people because I feel shy or whatever, I stop and I breathe, to be able to realise that I will have to go out there and talk to these strangers anyway, in one way or another, and by postponing this will only waste time, where as I should instead take the self-direction and responsibility to do it now.

When and as I see myself believing that I am a weak person just because I have troubles speaking, I stop and I breathe, I realise that this is a point in only one aspect, and this is not who I am, i have my strong points, and weak points, where as I am able to work on both, and through realising this I can take the self-responsibility and self-direction to push through these points to better them, to stand within them as one and as equal to be able to change it from there.

I commit and allow myself to be boundless by the point of weakness I experience through supporting myself by breathing and to realise that I am here in the physical and that I have nothing to be afraid of, meaning I should allow and direct myself to break through this weakness to be able to live my utmost potential.

I commit and allow myself to appear as being a strong person, through standing within my words, within the moment of here as I speak, to mean each and every word, and to be aware of each and every word I use, to make them mine, and to express myself within these words I use, not only for the person I am speaking with, but for myself as well, to be able realise that I am here as breathe, as words, speaking with a strong and clear voice.

Tuesday 9 September 2014

Day 58 – Speaking Up, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel nervous while speaking to other people, and to let this nervousness that I am experiencing influence my direction in conversation, taking away my control over my words I have/need to speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am playing a game, and not taking my work up as important as I should, and because of this I have allowed myself to mess around or take time off where I don't have the time to take off.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as a clumsy guy who can't handle the interaction between two humans, namely myself and the person I am in contact with while speaking.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this clumsy guy is who I am, for I have never really had self-direction within my movement, and through not having this self-direction I have build up this believe system from which I have created the image of myself as being a clumsy guy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I am a shy person, wanting to hide from everyone because of all the stories I have heard from when I was a baby, where people would refer to me as a shy child that does not like to interact with other people, and through these words, I have build this character as me, relying on this information, and using it as an excuse for why I am quit, or not talk-active.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a weak person just because I don't have to words to express myself, and define myself as weak all over, in every aspect just because of this assumption that I have made, while knowing of my strong points.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this weakness shows when I do open my mouth even when I do so with self-direction - basically a point of back-chat when done talking and busy reflecting upon the past event.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be limited by this point of weakness that I have experienced, for I have allowed myself to stretch this point over all aspects of my life instead of leaving it as the one concentrated point, focusing myself on this point to be able to correct it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let this show in my speech whenever I would speak to someone, to let this give me bad results in the end, not opening the doors I need opened.

Sunday 7 September 2014

Day 57 – Speaking Up


So, this week that had just passed I have realised that I am not playing a game anymore while working. This means that I am not nervous anymore when I have to speak to another person while on the job. I have realised that shit just got real and that I need to act like it, instead of been a clumsy guy trying to communicate with a total stranger.


Meaning, I was anxious every damn time I had to open my mouth and speak to a person, which showed where that person could see it, and it created an effect where they could see that this guy is "weak" in terms of communicating with someone else. This had an impact on me and my information I had to give over to the other person. This had resulted in a situation where they would not take me serious, where they probably thought that I am a phony or something of the sort.

This has now turned around, when I do speak up, I am able to present my information that I have, doing so clearly and effectively. This has been a game changer for me since I have realise this point, to realise that I am speaking in confidence, that only now am I able to take myself seriously of what I am doing, and by realising this and walking within my words has it only had good results for me. 

Thursday 4 September 2014

Day 56 – Took an arrow to the knee, Part 3

When and as I see myself fear in a situation of danger, not realising that the fear might be the cause of real danger, or casualties, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this fear is in control of me, and that I should get rid of it, by assisting myself through breathing and letting go of the fear, to realise that this fear is only made up out of thoughts, and is not real.

When and as I see myself not being in control of myself because of an event that took place, I stop and I breathe, to slow down the moment, to slow down my body that is in automation - meaning it can go wrong anytime - and realise that I should be in control, that I should trust myself to be in control of my own body, and then only then move it with self-direction whilst being in the breath, the moment of here.

When and as I see myself fearing that I might be lost and never be found by anyone, I stop and I breathe, I realise that I am not too far gone from where I originally am, and that I will find my way.

When and as I see myself fearing that I might walk into violent and abusive people I stop and I breathe, I then slow down the moment, to see why am I fearing something that's not here within the present, but a future event created within my mind, by me, and then realise that this is just a thought, and that it is not real, thus I am O.K.

When and as I see myself being blazed with fears, and allowing these fears to overwhelm me in a matter of a few seconds, just to be gone, I stop and I breathe with the realisation that it is not real, only thoughts and that I am here, as the breathe, within the physical reality, observing and expressing and living life, with nothing to fear, or stop me from living my utmost potential in any giving moment.

I commit and allow myself to live in each moment as self-direction, to let go of my fears with the realisation and the knowing that it is not real, but only a thought, and by knowing this allowing myself to live my utmost potential in each and every breathe I take.

Tuesday 2 September 2014

Day 55 – Took an arrow to the knee, Part 2

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a blaze of fear just as I hit the ground, realising that I have hurt my knee, not being able to walk/work effectively, fearing that I might not get away from that location, and be left behind by the people, and get lost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to control my actions after the incident, resulting in fear of what might happen, instead of being here, breathing through the moment to support myself with the pain I am experiencing and my thoughts that are about to rock through my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear for my leg, that it might be broken, instead of being calm, breathing and assessing myself and my leg to see what is going on with it, and to see if it is fine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear in the moment of the incident, to be controlled by the actions/events that took place, and not be in control of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will get lost, and never be found again, have to spend the rest of my days surviving all alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will get lost, and then be found by random strangers that are violent, abusive, or even murderers, so fearing for my life, the fear of death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go down this path of fears, fearing to a point where I thought it could even be my life being taken away from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I might catch a fire on the ground, and burn myself to death - resulting in jumping up, adding heavy pressure on my damaged knee/leg without seeing/realising the consequences, instead of being calm and get up with the leg that is fine.