Day 83 – Realisation of self

Have you ever had a moment in time where you just randomly think back and reflect on your life, and saw this clear image of yourself interacting with a person and where they’d point out a very peculiar trait or signature of you, yourself and who you are in those certain moments, for an type of phrase or pattern that you have just used that is “unique” to only you?

I have experience this today for the first time, and within this I have realise that with these patterns that I use to communicate with and how I interact with people are actually who I am. Within this weird realisation, I obviously realised that it is me, my trait, my pattern and no one else’s and that I have never in my life before really accepted it as my own. I have always played in this body of mine, since I have been a child, as if I am in third person view. That I can look at the world through someone’s eyes that is not mine, but actually is. Meaning always looking at everything around me happening, seeing people moving forward and creating life for themselves while I am just sitting here waiting for my life to start happening, doing so in the third person view.

So within this realisation I have seen that the times that I have reflected on just now, where people would point out “me”, I have been playing in that short instance of my life as a first person, for I was directing and controlling myself, for I was in my “element” and accepted in that moment myself for who I am and moved myself, and enjoyed each and every second of it, for I was here. But these moments are so rare. That is how I had this realisation, through seeing this point I can now start moving myself within these patterns and motions, accepting them as mine and that I have created them, I am responsible for each and every action I take.

And through doing so, accepting all these things as mine, and purely by doing so, only then can I start changing myself to where I can live out my utmost potential where I am me for who I am and not just a pattern playing out thinking I am me.

Obviously through using the tools that I have acquired, changing my patterns and believes to life in self-direction and self-responsibility. 

Day 82 - Forgotten Skills, Part 3

When and as I see myself feeling embarrassed due to some thoughts I have I stop and I breath, to realise the pattern that I have created and in this instant stop myself, breath, and let go of the thought pattern to realise that I don’t have/need to be affected by who ever is observing me, nor by their thoughts which I am not even aware of.

When and as I see myself feeling deprived from physical work with my hands, whilst reading a book, or just by occupying myself with something other than working with my hands, I stop and I breathe, I realise that this is a trigger point for the emotion, and in the moment stop myself from participating within it, as it will only bring me an empty feeling within myself, which is hindering my experience of the physical reality

I commit and allowed myself to explore and allow myself to experiment with my broken electronics to find out more about them and enjoying myself within the process.

I commit and allow myself to realise that this is something I am good at and don’t have to feel embarrassed by it, for this is an expression of myself which I like to explore and find out more about the world out there.

I commit and allow myself to do these things within the moment of breath, to realise that I am the responsibility of myself and my action and that I am the controller of my world, and what I do to explore the world with is in my hand and my expression.

I commit and allowed myself to live within the physical reality of here, within each and every breath, to be able to live out my fullest, utmost potential without limitations.

Day 81 - Forgotten Skills, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel deprived from my physical reality through not working with my hands by comparing the physical reality of here with that of my past, and realising I have not done anything with my hands to create or to take apart some form of object.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to tinker with electronics to feel whole, and not be lost within space and time by not doing it, thus be limited in my reality to experience and live within the physical of here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed about taking on an activity that was long forgotten, to feel that this activity was for a child only to experiment with and not a grown man.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect an idea of my childhood towards one in my present and through this idea create a believe that it is only for children to tinker and explore broken electronics, and through me doing such thing at a time where I am a grown man, I felt embarrassed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience such embarrassment through knowing that someone observed me in this instance and due the thought process that they are going through are influencing me, even though I don’t know what they are thinking, but assuming what they are thinking and by this creating the experience of embarrassment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never again touch any broken electronics due to this experience that I have undergo, and thus “deprive” myself from working with my hands, creating a desire which I could not fulfill.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall victim for having a desire which I can’t fulfill due to a past experience that I have created/generated in my own mind, without realising the effects which would follow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I would have flourished within this field of work just because of this interest I had within me for taking apart things and exploring it.

Day 80 – Forgotten Skills

I feel deprived of the physical reality through not working with my hands, physically. I remember from when I was a child, very young, I used to love taking electronics and tinker with them, taking them apart, putting them back together, investigating it and to find out how it worked. This was the greatest experience that I can remember from myself, exploring the technological world.

I was not fascinated by nature, animals, or other humans beings and on how they all worked, but by what they(humans) have created with their intellectual properties that enhances them, in living within this words with nature, animals and other humans. I always wanted to know what make things tick, that is the reason for why I took everything apart.

I later on stopped doing this for some odd reason which I do not know why, it just stopped. Maybe it’s because there was no more random electronics laying around to take apart, and then when I found it I would horde it for some time until I realise I am not going to do anything with it and then just chuck it into the garbage bin.

Even that stopped, where I just didn’t do anything with any broken electronics anymore – except for once when I did take something that was broke to be stripped. But this time I was a grown man, where as I almost felt embarrassed for wanting to do this. Felt like I had to hide this side of me where I want to explore this broken thing (it was a broken LCD Monitor). Since then I have just never touched anything again because of this experience.

And now, today as I sit here – reading books about inventors and scientists that has so many things to do and to achieve in life, I realise that this one point within me where I would flourished if I were to choose it as a career choice, have I killed and smothered in my process of growing up, of just not doing it anymore.

Why I also say this is because, no matter where I am people always asks me to fix their broken stuff for some reason they believe I can, or have the magical touch to make something work, and by surprise it will work after I am done with it – why have I not yet pursued this part or skill that I have within my life yet? This has come to bother me, and this is a point to be express and realised to be able for me to work on it again, to change my ways into that of which I am good at.

Day 79 – Childhood Memories, Part 3

When and as I see myself thinking back into my past just to experience it again, I stop and realise that by doing this action I am only hindering myself through a ride full of feelings instead of doing something more productive, by working, or focusing on what is necessary with self-direction and being here in the physical reality.

When and as I see myself wishing for the time of my childhood I stop and I breathe, I realise that this is just a pattern and an “addiction” for me to linger on these memories as they are fun, but at the same time sad and unnecessary, for it stops me from being here in the reality as it is here.

When and as I see myself attaching feelings towards these memories I stop and I breathe, I realise that this will have an compound effect on my memories and make each time just more saddening when I realise that I am not there anymore, I am a grown man now.

I commit and allow myself to be here in the physical reality as it is, as it presents itself, and to allow myself to live this life with self-direction and responsibility.

I commit and allow myself to accept the fact that my past is my past, it is non-existing, and that I will never be able to go back there, and through accepting this, I commit and allow myself to let go of these memories and the attachments that I have created with them.

I commit and allow myself to be here, in the reality as a grown man, to live in line with “time” and not to distort my reality with my past, so that I may be able to live my life to my utmost potential