Day 72 – Point of Resonance (mugging), Part 5

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want or wish for something bad to happen for me just to be able to dodge my responsibilities, to get a way out of it without working through it, meaning completing my workload.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to crave attention from people just because I feel that I am not getting enough from my environment and the people within.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to have thoughts about horrible things playing out in my mind, where something bad would happen to me or be in my way that stops me from attending my responsibility, to have these thoughts purely because I feel that I want to escape my work, or whatever I have to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about bad things happening to me just so people can give me the necessary attention that I feel that I deserve, or crave, and by doing this not realising the effects that these thoughts might have upon me or anyone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I also want to be the hero of someone, and in this case think that something bad might happen to them, where I will be able to jump in and assist, which in reality we all know that this won’t be the case, and through me having these thoughts will only put the person’s life in danger if it were to happen in reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the people in my imagination just as play toys, meaning no matter what happens to them, it does not matter, for I believe nothing is real which I am thinking about, but what if these thoughts manifest, then it will be a way different situation. 

Day 71 – Point of Resonance (mugging), Part 4

I  forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in a conspiracy and lived my life around it, believing that the world may come to an end, and that there is no use in me studying or living my life in a way that I can make the best of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the first pieces of information that I have received, basically making me very gullible  toward any information that I receive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not investigate the situation and the information that I have received to be able to make a decision based on common sense, on actually facts and not just that of which the first person told me.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to resist life, to resist myself, to resist information, to resist my future, to resist study, I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to resist the point of studying for school to be the best student, to live up to my full potential, I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to resist myself to allow myself to live, to allow myself to be what I can be, to be what I want to be, I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to resist any information that I receive to not want to participate within it, to acquire  it and to be able to use it, I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to have a resistance toward life, to not participate within it as I should, to shy away from society, to use it as an excuse not to be seen or heard, not to be present with reality but instead to wish that it can just happen already and get over with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind a computer all these years to not deal with reality because of the believe that everything will go to waste, to then resist life, myself, my future, everything within my existence.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to create these patterns of resistance towards my existence and towards myself for I have believed that it all won’t matter in a few short years, and because of these patterns integrated within my mind, I now believe that it is hard to learn or acquire new information and walk with it, as these patterns of resistance keep on holding me back for I have only fed them with energy to allow them to grow, instead of working through them to get over it and to move myself toward my goal, to be able to accept my existence as here as life in the physical, to accept myself and allow myself to be for who I am.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to be in conflict with myself, for being in conflict with everything I am doing – if it is playing computer, working, watching series etc. and through this conflict not being able to do everything I am doing in confidence, or to my utmost potential.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to wish that bad things could happen around me or even with me just so I can have an exit door towards my responsibilities - to get a way out of my responsibilities – and not deal with them for instance working, so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist my work, which leads to negative thoughts, which creates a resonance within me that are attracting these things, and then where these bad things would happen to me eventually.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even have these thoughts, to have a thought about how I, or a fellow human being get hurt just for me to have the opportunity to dodge work(or any responsibility).

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to stand within resistance towards my responsibilities, to not accept my responsibilities and due to that create a conflict within myself that has an effect not only on me but the people around me – everyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn a blind eye towards these thoughts, acting as if they did not exist, but in the same time reacted upon them by consciously having positive thoughts to counter these negative thoughts, creating a battlefield within my mind which I call conflict with myself.

Day 70 - Point of Resonance (Mugging)

Continuation from previous post: Day 69 Resonance

Part 3 of my resonance posts, here I will be speaking about attention that one secretly crave. This usually happens at first when you’re young. We all wanted to be a hero some point in our live, you’d image that someone you know might get in an accident, with you nearby whereas you’ll be all fine, dodging the debris or whatever and save the other person’s live, just so you can be seen as the hero for that person. For me I usually saw it as a girl that has this accident, but never really gets hurt, because, hey, I was there to save the day and be the hero. I will be getting this attention from this person, and as we know all of the friends, mine, as theirs. 

This is one point of wanting attention, or craving it. The other point is kind of the messed up point. Where you would want something to go horribly wrong with you, so for when people realises or hear about the shit that has happened they’ll give you the attention you crave. In this scenario one would think of something bad happening, for example getting in a car accident, or being mugged. To afterwards have the need to tell someone what happened, hoping they will tell the other people and then, boom, center of attention you are. This is the kind of thoughts you have, depending on the level of attention you desire, also your target market. If it’s attention form one person, or from a specific group of people, all depends.

These thoughts I have had for longer than I can remember, and through having these thoughts I have built up a resonance to attract these kind of things within my life, and that is the reason for why one should change oneself. 

Day 69 – Point of Resonance (Mugging)

Continuation from previous post: Day 68 - Resonance

SO at the farm I spoke to some people where they gave me pointers on what it possibly could be and I had come to a conclusion about it.

First – Self-sabotage

Second – Attention (normally from friends)

Point of self-sabotage:

How this started – It was in the year 2008, just after we received Internet connection (ADSL Line). What the Internet did was it created an environment for me to explore the world and the knowledge that it possesses, but as a young kid I wasn’t aware that you should actually dig through heaps of info on the Internet just to get yourself at a legitimate piece of knowledge.

So within this I have found and discovered that the world is going to “end” in the year 2012 with all the conspiracy theorists and their information and evidence that they have on what is going to happen, and I actually believed this for some time. I started to think if this is true, why study, why work why slave your life away in a job one day just to die in a few years, or actually just after high school is finished?

With this believe - because of the information I have received, I didn’t do much. I have always resisted everything I do which was in direct relation with me and my future on how I am going to build this future of mine.

After I have realised now that this is all bullshit about the world coming to an end, I have stopped believing it, but the problem was… the patterns that I have created within my thought process and the doing part of it, the resistance stayed, instead of fading away as it should have. This resistance after this had built up to a point where I resist not only work but mostly with all things I am doing. I am in consistent conflict within myself.

This conflict within myself now has emerged into my mind to a way of escaping and this is where I have started to generate a resonance which is one of mugging or getting hurt – a way out, where I do not have to take the responsibility of walking out of this exit door. Purely meaning that whenever I had to do any work, I thought that the world should just rather end than me doing this right now. Or for when I would go to work in JHB, on the road sometimes I would wish that something bad happens on the road to work, just so that I don’t have to go to work. If this bad thing was to be with me or someone else, it doesn’t matter – it’s a way of not going to work, right? This is about one example, there are way more of these scenarios.

To top it off.. this is what happens deep inside of my mind, in the dark corners, the corners which I am aware of, but not directly aware of… meaning I know the thoughts are there, all I did was covering it up with “positive Thinking”, believing that these thoughts would cover those bad dirty ones up, instead of actually realising what I am busy doing. Instead of going into these dark corners in my mind, grab the thoughts and get rid of them. Which is a great starting point for now actually.

To be continued (Second conclusion – Attention)

Day 68 – Point of Resonance (Mugging)

Today I am going to write about the point of resonance within me and the world around me for the fact that I have been mugged twice last year, and yesterday almost again. Luckily for me, I have dodge it and knew the scam due to a security guard for when I was still working in Johannesburg that had warned me about it.

What happened yesterday was, I went to a school to arrange an appointment with them, whereas after this arrangement I decided to go the school just across this one, there were two schools in one location. Now the street I had to cross to the other school, was to the entrance of the field of this second school, meaning I had to walk around the school to the next side of it, which meant there was a corner that I had to cross. At this corner two guys approached me, at first harmless, asking for money – but persistently, only want R2 from me… why would anybody be so persistent to get a R2 only?

So this happened, we were the only three people in this whole street, no car, no other observers, nothing. As I told this guy no which I did probably 5-7 times he kept on asking me, with every ask he would get closer and closer to me, almost standing against me and blocking my way to walk straight, with his buddy standing also at a point where he is blocking me but just further away.

This was when I decided to stop walking and take a step back, looked the guy in the eye and told him NO, I don’t have money on me, and ditched to the side to dodge him, then walked on to my destination. As this happened the guy followed me, dangerously close to me, and again asking a lot of times for money. Where I stopped again and said no, but this time as I stopped to say no, he grabbed my hand, and pulled me in – obviously I pulled out - kind of like two children harmlessly fighting for nothing. I don’t know what would have happened if it wasn’t for the two cars in the road that had passed us, but as soon as this guy saw the two cars he left my arm and let me go, where I just walked away, in a good pace to get inside of the school yard. Looking back every few steps to see if they are not sneaking up on me or anything, where at the gate I waited for a min to see if they leave the corner or not – which they didn’t.

At the school, I made sure to spend as much time there as possible. Afterwards I asked the security guard at the school to open up the back gate of the school to let me out there so that I don’t have to cross the corner again – safety first.

Previously, in the year 2013 when I still had a job in JHB before leaving for my new occupation here in KZN, they mugged me twice in 6 months. First stole my tablet out of my car – while I was in the car. Second time they gun pointed me wanting my mobile phone at a traffic light.

Why I mention this is because I have a point to look at here, my resonance. What is it that I am resonating out in this world, which people would want to mug me and steel my shit for, why am I attracting these things?

To be Continued

Day 67 – Real-eyes-ing words.

 I am no expert with words, nor with grammar and sentence structure, but I have realised the structure of words, and how one can play with these words one know. I have also discovered my relationship with words, how I see them and what feelings/emotions I have attached towards them through life experiences.

One word which I loved at a time was amuse/amusing – I don’t know why I loved this word so much, but as I realised the meaning of this word one day after I had used a dictionary for the first time in years, I couldn’t stopped use it. I had to incorporate it into everything I was about to say, if it were to be highly appropriate or not, I’d squeeze it in. My favourite phrase was: “Amusing myself” whenever someone would ask me what am I doing. This was part of my life for a minimum of at least a year.

Then, sometime later, the word abundance approached me, and showed itself in the naked form of its existence. This made me feel like I have discovered my second love. Meaning the word amuse which was my first love… no more existed.

Why did I love this word so much? Mainly because I could see a bun dance. Somehow because of this real-eyes-ation of how a word can break apart to create smaller words has showed me this is not the one and only word which you can take and break it up. All these great, complex, other wisely known as difficult words, don’t have to be such a mountain in front of me anymore. Since this word has showed me the newly discovered way to go, I can actually spell way better, and remember words more easily, and derive the meaning of the word by just looking at it. Also how one can play and be creative with this.

The only word I can think of at the moment which I have a negative emotion toward is f-ear, for when I h-ear with my ear-s the s-ear f-ears other might sp-ear (at me), for instance the news with the Ebola virus – the hyperbolic reaction everyone’s creating because of it, this brings up fears within me and probably everyone else. It’s an uneasy, dissatisfying feeling one feels right.

Day 66 – Imbalance, Part 3

When and as I see myself being limited through tiredness, and not wanting to do what I need to do, I stop and I breathe, I realise that this is only a pattern and a limitation, and through not directing myself I will only hinder my way forward.

When and as I see myself creating excuses for not doing something because I feel tired, I stop and I breathe, I realise that this is a pattern and through giving this patter my energy will only slow me down and in essence create an imbalance within my life where I would only get minimum done instead of what I would like to get done.

When and as I see myself participating in back-chat which results in an excuse or anything in relation to holding me back, I stop and I breathe, through doing this I can see and realise what I am busy doing - meaning creating an imbalance - and stop this process and instead stand up, and do what needs to be done.

When and as I see myself concentrating on one aspect of my life, and letting the rest go because of limitations, I stop and I breathe, doing so to be able to realise that this is only slowing me down in my process and my advancement within life, and the things I want and need to get done.

When and as I see myself falling victim for one that has no self-direction/responsibility I stop and I breathe, I realise that without self-direction/responsibility I will only create imbalance within my self which will result only in limitation.

When and as I see myself losing focus on my daily deeds, and not getting it done, I stop and I breathe, I slow down the moment to see and realise the pattern that is playing out and through doing so, I will see that if I follow down onto this path I will then not be able to reach my true potential as for who and what I am.

I commit and allow myself to stand up within these situation - to stand equal with them, to be able to take on the challenge and direct myself, through the supportive application of breathing, realising for what my reality is as here in the physical.

I commit and allow myself to do my daily duties, to stop back-chat and limitation that I have set for myself and to take on the responsibility of self to walk this process of bettering myself and thus my world around me, that is best for me, and for all.

Day 65 – Imbalance, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself through believing that I am tired, and through this believe not be able to work and go on with my daily duties as I should be able to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the tiredness be an excuse for me not wanting to work, or perform as well as I am suppose to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an imbalance within my life because of the tiredness that I am facing, not getting to everything that I need to do because of the back-chat - where I tell myself I am tired now, and don't have the energy to do whatever needs to be done.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to concentrate only on certain parts of my life at a time, create an imbalance within my life, where one part would be high, and the other part low.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this imbalance within my life due to the lack of self-direction and self-responsibility, not being able to push through these limitation and to get shit done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think it is fine to not care about a certain aspect within my life, and that the only importance is that of which I set as to be my highest regard in the matter, and not realising that a good life is a well balanced one, one where I am the direction of self, the responsibility of self, the movement of self, where I am to create my world and my environment through these principles, movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be focused on what I need to do and to get it done, to think that it is too much trouble to do the certain thing that I need to get done, to think that by postponing it will be OK.

Day 64 – Imbalance

In the past few weeks I have noticed that there is an imbalance within my life, where I have realised that I have no balance between my responsibilities and activities. Mainly due to my very own limitations - or in other words "tiredness", where as I will tell myself I am not going to do something now, because I am to tired.

Through doing this the whole time, I have had other experiences as well, as time progresses I would find that one week a certain area within my life is up to date, where as the rest of my life is in the slums. This certain up-to-date part of my life would only last for about a week, and then rotate with a different aspect in my life. Meaning if I were to be a spinning wheel, I would have been way off balance, f*cking things up around me.

Though, the statement about the wheel spinning could be taken into context. Meaning if I only take care of one part of my life the rest is going to fall apart, which indicates I have to take a stance and start focusing on all of the aspects, duties and activities that needs to be done during the day, week, month to be able to gtet myself into balance. By stopping the mind from creating limitations, tiredness and excuses for why not to do something.

Day 63 – Inferiority towards intelligence

When and as I see myself not standing within myself as self direction, as breath when speaking to a person  with high intelligence, I stop and I breathe, I realise that this person is no more special, or important than me, and that I can actually learn a lot from this person by allowing myself to see and be this person's equal thus to not feel or be this person's inferior.

When and as I see myself putting people in class brackets where I judge them from and project a possible future, I stop and I breathe, I realise by doing this I am only living in an illusion with reality that does not exist, thus creating expectations that will never be met, meaning disappointment.

When and as I see myself not being able to keep a person interested within my conversation, or my information that I have to offer where it makes me feel like I might have lost the person, I stop and I breathe, I realise that if this is a person's response it means that I have to change my way of speaking or make any amendments necessary to keep the interest of my client.

When and as I see myself feeling inferior because of the fact that I do not understand someone, i stop and I breathe, I realise that this is a great opportunity to gain information and learn something new, and by doing this I have no reason to feel inferior.

When and as I see myself falling into a comfort zone, where I am not moving forward to better myself, I stop and I breathe, I realise that by acting this way I am only hindering myself, and by doing this I am not self directing within the breathe.

When and as I see myself as the inferior because of situations that I don't have direct control over, I stop and I breathe, I realise that I can't do anything about the particular situation, and therefore I have no need to be the inferior because of my actions which I am acting upon - asking the person to repeat themselves.

I commit and allow myself to stand my ground, to find out what lies beneath the unknown and make it  known, so it may be my own.

I commit and allow myself to be here within the breathe, the physical reality of what I can see with my eyes, and allow myself to live for what is here within my conversations that I have with my clients, to be able to be the directive principle of my words and my world.

Day 62 – Inferiority towards intelligence, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior toward a person because of the intellectual power they may possess, and that I am allowing myself to feel shaken within this conversation, instead of standing my ground and follow simple self direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put people and brackets - giving them class - and through this judge them and create expectation to what might happen, or how the conversation might go, instead of being here in the present accepting things for as it is, and to see it playing out for what it is, instead of creating projected ideas of how things may play out, for as they don't play out as expected - I would be lost.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to find it difficult to keep this person interested within my conversation because of the fact that he already understood 70% of what I am saying, and even predicting my next words that I want to use.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to judge myself for the idea of me not understanding the new kind of slang that I am introduced to, and thus have to ask question over and over, where as the person has to repeat themselves to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in a comfort zone with the kind of people I am dealing with, not allowing myself to penetrate new challenges within my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior toward this person because of my ears, that they were blocked and I could not hear them properly, forcing me to ask them to repeat themselves because what is being said in these conversation is important.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in back-chat because of the situation I am, thus directing myself into a self-judgment state of where I am creating my situation as I am the inferior, and my client is the superior.

Day 61 - Inferiority Towards Intelligence

Today I have met a client, that had the intellectual level of people I am used to talk with... where, within my occupation I am used to speak to people that are less educated, and doesn't capture information as fast as an educated person does. I had difficulty maintaining the interest level of this person, and at some point rather felt inferior towards the words that this person used, mainly because I did not understand them or I am not familiar with the slang - I did not expect these things in the conversation, as I am in a comfort zone.

Also, I felt inferior because of the fact that I could not hear properly, I had the flue for about a week and a few days now, where as my ears are kind of blocked, meaning I can't hear what people are saying, so half or almost all of my concentration lies within trying to hear this person speaking, and then at the same time trying to concentrate on what has been said, and then be able to directly reply. Which I found to be difficult, I have asked probably with every second statement/question for the person to repeat themselves, where as after a while I would start with back-chat, and then this would be followed up upon with me feeling inferior because of the situation - not hearing well, and someone using a high level of vocabulary.

Because of this, after the appointment with my client, I felt as if I had let myself down or as if I had failed myself with this person and the creation of a sale. I had stopped the back-chat within this, which assisted and supported me, not creating any de-motivational feelings toward my goal, or holding me back, but instead took it as a learning curve for next time. With this I had realised myself how important vocabulary is, for I was not able to speak and communicate effectively with this person for I have missed a few words.