Day 83 – Realisation of self

Have you ever had a moment in time where you just randomly think back and reflect on your life, and saw this clear image of yourself interacting with a person and where they’d point out a very peculiar trait or signature of you, yourself and who you are in those certain moments, for an type of phrase or pattern that you have just used that is “unique” to only you?

I have experience this today for the first time, and within this I have realise that with these patterns that I use to communicate with and how I interact with people are actually who I am. Within this weird realisation, I obviously realised that it is me, my trait, my pattern and no one else’s and that I have never in my life before really accepted it as my own. I have always played in this body of mine, since I have been a child, as if I am in third person view. That I can look at the world through someone’s eyes that is not mine, but actually is. Meaning always looking at everything around me happening, seeing people moving forward and creating life for themselves while I am just sitting here waiting for my life to start happening, doing so in the third person view.

So within this realisation I have seen that the times that I have reflected on just now, where people would point out “me”, I have been playing in that short instance of my life as a first person, for I was directing and controlling myself, for I was in my “element” and accepted in that moment myself for who I am and moved myself, and enjoyed each and every second of it, for I was here. But these moments are so rare. That is how I had this realisation, through seeing this point I can now start moving myself within these patterns and motions, accepting them as mine and that I have created them, I am responsible for each and every action I take.

And through doing so, accepting all these things as mine, and purely by doing so, only then can I start changing myself to where I can live out my utmost potential where I am me for who I am and not just a pattern playing out thinking I am me.

Obviously through using the tools that I have acquired, changing my patterns and believes to life in self-direction and self-responsibility. 

Day 82 - Forgotten Skills, Part 3

When and as I see myself feeling embarrassed due to some thoughts I have I stop and I breath, to realise the pattern that I have created and in this instant stop myself, breath, and let go of the thought pattern to realise that I don’t have/need to be affected by who ever is observing me, nor by their thoughts which I am not even aware of.

When and as I see myself feeling deprived from physical work with my hands, whilst reading a book, or just by occupying myself with something other than working with my hands, I stop and I breathe, I realise that this is a trigger point for the emotion, and in the moment stop myself from participating within it, as it will only bring me an empty feeling within myself, which is hindering my experience of the physical reality

I commit and allowed myself to explore and allow myself to experiment with my broken electronics to find out more about them and enjoying myself within the process.

I commit and allow myself to realise that this is something I am good at and don’t have to feel embarrassed by it, for this is an expression of myself which I like to explore and find out more about the world out there.

I commit and allow myself to do these things within the moment of breath, to realise that I am the responsibility of myself and my action and that I am the controller of my world, and what I do to explore the world with is in my hand and my expression.

I commit and allowed myself to live within the physical reality of here, within each and every breath, to be able to live out my fullest, utmost potential without limitations.

Day 81 - Forgotten Skills, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel deprived from my physical reality through not working with my hands by comparing the physical reality of here with that of my past, and realising I have not done anything with my hands to create or to take apart some form of object.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to tinker with electronics to feel whole, and not be lost within space and time by not doing it, thus be limited in my reality to experience and live within the physical of here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed about taking on an activity that was long forgotten, to feel that this activity was for a child only to experiment with and not a grown man.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect an idea of my childhood towards one in my present and through this idea create a believe that it is only for children to tinker and explore broken electronics, and through me doing such thing at a time where I am a grown man, I felt embarrassed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience such embarrassment through knowing that someone observed me in this instance and due the thought process that they are going through are influencing me, even though I don’t know what they are thinking, but assuming what they are thinking and by this creating the experience of embarrassment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never again touch any broken electronics due to this experience that I have undergo, and thus “deprive” myself from working with my hands, creating a desire which I could not fulfill.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall victim for having a desire which I can’t fulfill due to a past experience that I have created/generated in my own mind, without realising the effects which would follow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I would have flourished within this field of work just because of this interest I had within me for taking apart things and exploring it.

Day 80 – Forgotten Skills

I feel deprived of the physical reality through not working with my hands, physically. I remember from when I was a child, very young, I used to love taking electronics and tinker with them, taking them apart, putting them back together, investigating it and to find out how it worked. This was the greatest experience that I can remember from myself, exploring the technological world.

I was not fascinated by nature, animals, or other humans beings and on how they all worked, but by what they(humans) have created with their intellectual properties that enhances them, in living within this words with nature, animals and other humans. I always wanted to know what make things tick, that is the reason for why I took everything apart.

I later on stopped doing this for some odd reason which I do not know why, it just stopped. Maybe it’s because there was no more random electronics laying around to take apart, and then when I found it I would horde it for some time until I realise I am not going to do anything with it and then just chuck it into the garbage bin.

Even that stopped, where I just didn’t do anything with any broken electronics anymore – except for once when I did take something that was broke to be stripped. But this time I was a grown man, where as I almost felt embarrassed for wanting to do this. Felt like I had to hide this side of me where I want to explore this broken thing (it was a broken LCD Monitor). Since then I have just never touched anything again because of this experience.

And now, today as I sit here – reading books about inventors and scientists that has so many things to do and to achieve in life, I realise that this one point within me where I would flourished if I were to choose it as a career choice, have I killed and smothered in my process of growing up, of just not doing it anymore.

Why I also say this is because, no matter where I am people always asks me to fix their broken stuff for some reason they believe I can, or have the magical touch to make something work, and by surprise it will work after I am done with it – why have I not yet pursued this part or skill that I have within my life yet? This has come to bother me, and this is a point to be express and realised to be able for me to work on it again, to change my ways into that of which I am good at.

Day 79 – Childhood Memories, Part 3

When and as I see myself thinking back into my past just to experience it again, I stop and realise that by doing this action I am only hindering myself through a ride full of feelings instead of doing something more productive, by working, or focusing on what is necessary with self-direction and being here in the physical reality.

When and as I see myself wishing for the time of my childhood I stop and I breathe, I realise that this is just a pattern and an “addiction” for me to linger on these memories as they are fun, but at the same time sad and unnecessary, for it stops me from being here in the reality as it is here.

When and as I see myself attaching feelings towards these memories I stop and I breathe, I realise that this will have an compound effect on my memories and make each time just more saddening when I realise that I am not there anymore, I am a grown man now.

I commit and allow myself to be here in the physical reality as it is, as it presents itself, and to allow myself to live this life with self-direction and responsibility.

I commit and allow myself to accept the fact that my past is my past, it is non-existing, and that I will never be able to go back there, and through accepting this, I commit and allow myself to let go of these memories and the attachments that I have created with them.

I commit and allow myself to be here, in the reality as a grown man, to live in line with “time” and not to distort my reality with my past, so that I may be able to live my life to my utmost potential

Day 78 – Childhood Memories, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think back about my childhood memories to get that awesome feeling of being free and without any responsibility to where I was just a child, thinking about a whole inseparable family having an awesome time, whereas after this memory I will face disillusionment which is an experience where I don’t want to face the reality of here, but go back instead, starting to wish…

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish for an instant that I can go back to these times where I can relive these memories and be a child for just one more time, meaning I am not here, not accepted and allowing my physical reality for what it is.

I forgive myself for creating, accepting and allow myself to let this pattern within my mind be followed automatically every time I feel that I want to break free/away from my responsibilities (Which is my trigger point).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find comfort within these memories of my childhood, where I feel I can escape to into a different reality where I can just drift off, instead of being here, completing my goals and living my utmost potential.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself yet to let go of these memories, to free myself of this pleasurable burden that I am stuck with, to be able to life in the physical reality of what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see these memories of my childhood as pleasurable but also as a burden because of the negative emotions I experience afterwards.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an emotional bond towards the song “If I could walk 500 miles” Due to a holiday that I have with my family when I was younger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to relive my childhood memories when I think of this song, meaning it is a trigger point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall victim of this pattern whenever my trigger point has been activated, to then go back into my mind and experience a vague memory of my childhood with immense feelings attached to these memories.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to let go of these memories and the feelings attached to enable myself to enjoy the song for what it is in the physical reality of here, in the present. 

Day 77 – Childhood Memories

The memories of my childhood, as vague and clear as I can remember… I remember only a few of these good old memories of which I love to think about. So when this happens I really want to go back to that time and just relive it as it was back then. The feeling is quite intense, which at the end of the day results in the worst type of disillusionment.

The memories that I love to think about is the memories where we as a family would go on vacation to some awesome holiday resorts. I barely remember these memories actually and that’s the reason for why I say these memories are clear/vague. So it’s the same as a dream that you don’t remember, you know you dreamt last night but you can’t remember what.

Now the one instance I remember from my childhood was when it was the 3 of us (my two brothers and I) where we camped out somewhere with my parents, I have this vague memory of this place, it was located in the middle of nowhere between trees, a lot of trees, as well as  people for some reason. We had to carry wood, and made fire, had benches to sit on, and I remember my brother teasing me, as he always did. That’s the memory, but after this I would think of the same place, but on how we are on our way to this place. I remember it as a rainy day and on our way to this place the song played “If I could walk 500 miles”. I don’t know if this memory is of the same time period and same place, but its there with the first instance.

I know nothing else of this, just that I had this experience which I found way too awesome and that I loved it and the thought of it and every time I think of it, I want to go back there, relive that, and get my memories back/straight. Now the problem is, when I think of this memory/memories, it’s like a deep hole I am falling into, whereas the climbing out part (Disillusionment) is the worst. I will start to wish for this time again to come back for me to be able to go there again, for me to be small again, not having responsibilities – all this crap. Whereas this has an anchor on me, holding me back from embracing my reality for what I have now, and have to live now, as in the here, breath.

Day 76 – Fighting Myself, Part 3

When and as I see myself suppressing my words for when I want to speak up or communicate a point through to another human being, I stop and I breathe, to realise that I am here and that I should be directing myself within this conversation to what I want and need to say, and not to let my words be suppressed.

When and as I see myself getting angry at someone and want to walk away to cool down, I stop and I breathe, to relax myself and to assess the point, to see what it is and why it is that has aggravated me and deal with it.

When and as I see myself not living myself out to the world, to my utmost potential, I stop and I breathe to realise that I am just busy hiding again, behind a mask, and through doing this I am only hindering myself from becoming the person I ought to be. 

When and as I see myself creating conflict with myself I stop and I breath, I realise that this is not a way to resolve the issue that I am having, and through keeping on participating within this conflict I have within myself I am only worsening my situation and not making it any better or creating any solutions.

I commit and allowed myself to live out my words that I have acquired throughout the years of growing up, to say and to express, to be and to live my utmost potential for what is best for me, and for all.

I commit and allow myself to be here in the physical reality for what is here physically and to live it in each and every moment and breath.  

Day 75 – Fighting Myself, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep quiet and not speak up with other people when I want to say something or feel like I have to say something, to believe that this will have a negative influence on the relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that other people will judge me and think weird about me when I do speak up and from this point on forward not accept me for who I am.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will create conflict with other humans when I do speak up or say what I want to say, and because of this conflict that may be created I decide not to speak up, thus suppressing myself and my inner thoughts.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to create conflict within myself for not speaking up when I have the need to, for when I want to say my say but instead keep quiet about it.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to regret the fact that I didn’t speak up, and this wishing I could go back to the moment and correct it, putting myself in a loopy cycle of thoughts that keeps on taking me back to the experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep quite when I get angry and just walk away, instead of breathing, slowing down myself in this moment of anger to see why this anger were triggered in the first place, to then deal with it and also deal with the person in conversation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself and not allow myself to walk life equally in full expression of who and what I am, to hide behind a mask and hope that no one sees me.

I forgive myself for I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to speak up when need to, to say what I want to say in any given conversation, to let out what is hidden inside instead of just keeping it there.

Day 74 – Fighting Myself

So this is a point where I stop myself from being myself with other people, meaning I would tell myself not to say something, or do something because I think it will not be acceptable, or people will not accept me for what I say/do. This is where the conflict arises, it’s not a conflict where I would shout at myself, or get angry at myself, it all happens very calmly, on how I tell myself not to do or say something, whereas afterwards I will regret not saying it, which leads to the conflict part where I ask myself the whole time, why did I not do or say that, instead of keeping quiet.

This also happens when I get really angry like almost a rage, which is a very rare occurrence. If a situation arises where I get that angry because of what someone else is doing or saying towards me I would usually just walk away. When I walk away it’s because I feel like bursting and lashing out at the person – which I don’t want to do. But then again it is not helping me or the situation to just walk away from what is happening and supressing myself and my anger, which is probably the reason for my acne face that I am dealing with. When this happens, obviously in my mind afterwards I will be in a consistent battle with myself on how I could have handled the situation.

Now, to get to the bottom of this. Why am I suppressing myself, compromising myself for others in ways that they don’t even know or are aware of? Why do I let myself stop myself from expressing myself and saying what I want or need to say? Where did this all started, meaning the day I stopped saying whatever I felt like saying – I remember this time of my life, it was awesome. Somewhere I just stopped doing this to not step over boundaries, to keep people calm and let them keep on liking me, even thou I am compromising my freedom(In my mind) for them without them knowing anything about this.

This is a point of acceptance, wanting other people to like me, love me or whatever. Instead of me to be whom I am, say what I want to say even if it get people to jump on their horses, I became someone I am not just to please them.

Day 73 – Point of Resonance (mugging), Part 6

I commit and allow myself to let go of these images/thoughts within my mind that creates these scenarios where I or other people get hurt just so that I can dodge my responsibilities, not to attend these responsibilities and handle it off as necessary.

I commit and allow myself to see and realise the patterns that play out when these thoughts pop up in my mind, and through realising, and seeing these patterns to be able to stop them, to let them go and instead of participating in them any further, then to commit and allow myself to be able to accept the challenge and walk the point of responsibility through, allowing myself to be here within the moment, to see what I am capable of doing, and to see what I have to offer to the world as one and as an equal.

I commit and allow myself to stand equal with my thoughts, to stand as them, to accept these thoughts as mine, and from that point on to realise that what I am busy doing is wrong, and will have an impact on my reality and the reality of those around me, thus standing as one and equal with these thoughts I can now move with it to be able to change these thoughts, let go of it, and by doing so create a different resonance which will not attract these muggings and bad influences within my life.

I commit and allow myself to life out my utmost potential, for when I have a responsibility or duty to comply with, I will do so with no resistance toward it, to allow myself to live, to explore and to go out and experience the world, instead of resisting every opportunity I receive.

I commit and allow myself to live in the physical reality of here, for what I can see and observe with my physical eyes, to life for all and not just for myself and my own self-interest.

Day 72 – Point of Resonance (mugging), Part 5

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want or wish for something bad to happen for me just to be able to dodge my responsibilities, to get a way out of it without working through it, meaning completing my workload.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to crave attention from people just because I feel that I am not getting enough from my environment and the people within.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to have thoughts about horrible things playing out in my mind, where something bad would happen to me or be in my way that stops me from attending my responsibility, to have these thoughts purely because I feel that I want to escape my work, or whatever I have to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about bad things happening to me just so people can give me the necessary attention that I feel that I deserve, or crave, and by doing this not realising the effects that these thoughts might have upon me or anyone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I also want to be the hero of someone, and in this case think that something bad might happen to them, where I will be able to jump in and assist, which in reality we all know that this won’t be the case, and through me having these thoughts will only put the person’s life in danger if it were to happen in reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the people in my imagination just as play toys, meaning no matter what happens to them, it does not matter, for I believe nothing is real which I am thinking about, but what if these thoughts manifest, then it will be a way different situation. 

Day 71 – Point of Resonance (mugging), Part 4

I  forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in a conspiracy and lived my life around it, believing that the world may come to an end, and that there is no use in me studying or living my life in a way that I can make the best of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the first pieces of information that I have received, basically making me very gullible  toward any information that I receive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not investigate the situation and the information that I have received to be able to make a decision based on common sense, on actually facts and not just that of which the first person told me.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to resist life, to resist myself, to resist information, to resist my future, to resist study, I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to resist the point of studying for school to be the best student, to live up to my full potential, I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to resist myself to allow myself to live, to allow myself to be what I can be, to be what I want to be, I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to resist any information that I receive to not want to participate within it, to acquire  it and to be able to use it, I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to have a resistance toward life, to not participate within it as I should, to shy away from society, to use it as an excuse not to be seen or heard, not to be present with reality but instead to wish that it can just happen already and get over with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind a computer all these years to not deal with reality because of the believe that everything will go to waste, to then resist life, myself, my future, everything within my existence.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to create these patterns of resistance towards my existence and towards myself for I have believed that it all won’t matter in a few short years, and because of these patterns integrated within my mind, I now believe that it is hard to learn or acquire new information and walk with it, as these patterns of resistance keep on holding me back for I have only fed them with energy to allow them to grow, instead of working through them to get over it and to move myself toward my goal, to be able to accept my existence as here as life in the physical, to accept myself and allow myself to be for who I am.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to be in conflict with myself, for being in conflict with everything I am doing – if it is playing computer, working, watching series etc. and through this conflict not being able to do everything I am doing in confidence, or to my utmost potential.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to wish that bad things could happen around me or even with me just so I can have an exit door towards my responsibilities - to get a way out of my responsibilities – and not deal with them for instance working, so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist my work, which leads to negative thoughts, which creates a resonance within me that are attracting these things, and then where these bad things would happen to me eventually.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even have these thoughts, to have a thought about how I, or a fellow human being get hurt just for me to have the opportunity to dodge work(or any responsibility).

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to stand within resistance towards my responsibilities, to not accept my responsibilities and due to that create a conflict within myself that has an effect not only on me but the people around me – everyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn a blind eye towards these thoughts, acting as if they did not exist, but in the same time reacted upon them by consciously having positive thoughts to counter these negative thoughts, creating a battlefield within my mind which I call conflict with myself.

Day 70 - Point of Resonance (Mugging)

Continuation from previous post: Day 69 Resonance

Part 3 of my resonance posts, here I will be speaking about attention that one secretly crave. This usually happens at first when you’re young. We all wanted to be a hero some point in our live, you’d image that someone you know might get in an accident, with you nearby whereas you’ll be all fine, dodging the debris or whatever and save the other person’s live, just so you can be seen as the hero for that person. For me I usually saw it as a girl that has this accident, but never really gets hurt, because, hey, I was there to save the day and be the hero. I will be getting this attention from this person, and as we know all of the friends, mine, as theirs. 

This is one point of wanting attention, or craving it. The other point is kind of the messed up point. Where you would want something to go horribly wrong with you, so for when people realises or hear about the shit that has happened they’ll give you the attention you crave. In this scenario one would think of something bad happening, for example getting in a car accident, or being mugged. To afterwards have the need to tell someone what happened, hoping they will tell the other people and then, boom, center of attention you are. This is the kind of thoughts you have, depending on the level of attention you desire, also your target market. If it’s attention form one person, or from a specific group of people, all depends.

These thoughts I have had for longer than I can remember, and through having these thoughts I have built up a resonance to attract these kind of things within my life, and that is the reason for why one should change oneself. 

Day 69 – Point of Resonance (Mugging)

Continuation from previous post: Day 68 - Resonance

SO at the farm I spoke to some people where they gave me pointers on what it possibly could be and I had come to a conclusion about it.

First – Self-sabotage

Second – Attention (normally from friends)

Point of self-sabotage:

How this started – It was in the year 2008, just after we received Internet connection (ADSL Line). What the Internet did was it created an environment for me to explore the world and the knowledge that it possesses, but as a young kid I wasn’t aware that you should actually dig through heaps of info on the Internet just to get yourself at a legitimate piece of knowledge.

So within this I have found and discovered that the world is going to “end” in the year 2012 with all the conspiracy theorists and their information and evidence that they have on what is going to happen, and I actually believed this for some time. I started to think if this is true, why study, why work why slave your life away in a job one day just to die in a few years, or actually just after high school is finished?

With this believe - because of the information I have received, I didn’t do much. I have always resisted everything I do which was in direct relation with me and my future on how I am going to build this future of mine.

After I have realised now that this is all bullshit about the world coming to an end, I have stopped believing it, but the problem was… the patterns that I have created within my thought process and the doing part of it, the resistance stayed, instead of fading away as it should have. This resistance after this had built up to a point where I resist not only work but mostly with all things I am doing. I am in consistent conflict within myself.

This conflict within myself now has emerged into my mind to a way of escaping and this is where I have started to generate a resonance which is one of mugging or getting hurt – a way out, where I do not have to take the responsibility of walking out of this exit door. Purely meaning that whenever I had to do any work, I thought that the world should just rather end than me doing this right now. Or for when I would go to work in JHB, on the road sometimes I would wish that something bad happens on the road to work, just so that I don’t have to go to work. If this bad thing was to be with me or someone else, it doesn’t matter – it’s a way of not going to work, right? This is about one example, there are way more of these scenarios.

To top it off.. this is what happens deep inside of my mind, in the dark corners, the corners which I am aware of, but not directly aware of… meaning I know the thoughts are there, all I did was covering it up with “positive Thinking”, believing that these thoughts would cover those bad dirty ones up, instead of actually realising what I am busy doing. Instead of going into these dark corners in my mind, grab the thoughts and get rid of them. Which is a great starting point for now actually.

To be continued (Second conclusion – Attention)

Day 68 – Point of Resonance (Mugging)

Today I am going to write about the point of resonance within me and the world around me for the fact that I have been mugged twice last year, and yesterday almost again. Luckily for me, I have dodge it and knew the scam due to a security guard for when I was still working in Johannesburg that had warned me about it.

What happened yesterday was, I went to a school to arrange an appointment with them, whereas after this arrangement I decided to go the school just across this one, there were two schools in one location. Now the street I had to cross to the other school, was to the entrance of the field of this second school, meaning I had to walk around the school to the next side of it, which meant there was a corner that I had to cross. At this corner two guys approached me, at first harmless, asking for money – but persistently, only want R2 from me… why would anybody be so persistent to get a R2 only?

So this happened, we were the only three people in this whole street, no car, no other observers, nothing. As I told this guy no which I did probably 5-7 times he kept on asking me, with every ask he would get closer and closer to me, almost standing against me and blocking my way to walk straight, with his buddy standing also at a point where he is blocking me but just further away.

This was when I decided to stop walking and take a step back, looked the guy in the eye and told him NO, I don’t have money on me, and ditched to the side to dodge him, then walked on to my destination. As this happened the guy followed me, dangerously close to me, and again asking a lot of times for money. Where I stopped again and said no, but this time as I stopped to say no, he grabbed my hand, and pulled me in – obviously I pulled out - kind of like two children harmlessly fighting for nothing. I don’t know what would have happened if it wasn’t for the two cars in the road that had passed us, but as soon as this guy saw the two cars he left my arm and let me go, where I just walked away, in a good pace to get inside of the school yard. Looking back every few steps to see if they are not sneaking up on me or anything, where at the gate I waited for a min to see if they leave the corner or not – which they didn’t.

At the school, I made sure to spend as much time there as possible. Afterwards I asked the security guard at the school to open up the back gate of the school to let me out there so that I don’t have to cross the corner again – safety first.

Previously, in the year 2013 when I still had a job in JHB before leaving for my new occupation here in KZN, they mugged me twice in 6 months. First stole my tablet out of my car – while I was in the car. Second time they gun pointed me wanting my mobile phone at a traffic light.

Why I mention this is because I have a point to look at here, my resonance. What is it that I am resonating out in this world, which people would want to mug me and steel my shit for, why am I attracting these things?

To be Continued

Day 67 – Real-eyes-ing words.

 I am no expert with words, nor with grammar and sentence structure, but I have realised the structure of words, and how one can play with these words one know. I have also discovered my relationship with words, how I see them and what feelings/emotions I have attached towards them through life experiences.

One word which I loved at a time was amuse/amusing – I don’t know why I loved this word so much, but as I realised the meaning of this word one day after I had used a dictionary for the first time in years, I couldn’t stopped use it. I had to incorporate it into everything I was about to say, if it were to be highly appropriate or not, I’d squeeze it in. My favourite phrase was: “Amusing myself” whenever someone would ask me what am I doing. This was part of my life for a minimum of at least a year.

Then, sometime later, the word abundance approached me, and showed itself in the naked form of its existence. This made me feel like I have discovered my second love. Meaning the word amuse which was my first love… no more existed.

Why did I love this word so much? Mainly because I could see a bun dance. Somehow because of this real-eyes-ation of how a word can break apart to create smaller words has showed me this is not the one and only word which you can take and break it up. All these great, complex, other wisely known as difficult words, don’t have to be such a mountain in front of me anymore. Since this word has showed me the newly discovered way to go, I can actually spell way better, and remember words more easily, and derive the meaning of the word by just looking at it. Also how one can play and be creative with this.

The only word I can think of at the moment which I have a negative emotion toward is f-ear, for when I h-ear with my ear-s the s-ear f-ears other might sp-ear (at me), for instance the news with the Ebola virus – the hyperbolic reaction everyone’s creating because of it, this brings up fears within me and probably everyone else. It’s an uneasy, dissatisfying feeling one feels right.

Day 66 – Imbalance, Part 3

When and as I see myself being limited through tiredness, and not wanting to do what I need to do, I stop and I breathe, I realise that this is only a pattern and a limitation, and through not directing myself I will only hinder my way forward.

When and as I see myself creating excuses for not doing something because I feel tired, I stop and I breathe, I realise that this is a pattern and through giving this patter my energy will only slow me down and in essence create an imbalance within my life where I would only get minimum done instead of what I would like to get done.

When and as I see myself participating in back-chat which results in an excuse or anything in relation to holding me back, I stop and I breathe, through doing this I can see and realise what I am busy doing - meaning creating an imbalance - and stop this process and instead stand up, and do what needs to be done.

When and as I see myself concentrating on one aspect of my life, and letting the rest go because of limitations, I stop and I breathe, doing so to be able to realise that this is only slowing me down in my process and my advancement within life, and the things I want and need to get done.

When and as I see myself falling victim for one that has no self-direction/responsibility I stop and I breathe, I realise that without self-direction/responsibility I will only create imbalance within my self which will result only in limitation.

When and as I see myself losing focus on my daily deeds, and not getting it done, I stop and I breathe, I slow down the moment to see and realise the pattern that is playing out and through doing so, I will see that if I follow down onto this path I will then not be able to reach my true potential as for who and what I am.

I commit and allow myself to stand up within these situation - to stand equal with them, to be able to take on the challenge and direct myself, through the supportive application of breathing, realising for what my reality is as here in the physical.

I commit and allow myself to do my daily duties, to stop back-chat and limitation that I have set for myself and to take on the responsibility of self to walk this process of bettering myself and thus my world around me, that is best for me, and for all.

Day 65 – Imbalance, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself through believing that I am tired, and through this believe not be able to work and go on with my daily duties as I should be able to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the tiredness be an excuse for me not wanting to work, or perform as well as I am suppose to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an imbalance within my life because of the tiredness that I am facing, not getting to everything that I need to do because of the back-chat - where I tell myself I am tired now, and don't have the energy to do whatever needs to be done.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to concentrate only on certain parts of my life at a time, create an imbalance within my life, where one part would be high, and the other part low.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this imbalance within my life due to the lack of self-direction and self-responsibility, not being able to push through these limitation and to get shit done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think it is fine to not care about a certain aspect within my life, and that the only importance is that of which I set as to be my highest regard in the matter, and not realising that a good life is a well balanced one, one where I am the direction of self, the responsibility of self, the movement of self, where I am to create my world and my environment through these principles, movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be focused on what I need to do and to get it done, to think that it is too much trouble to do the certain thing that I need to get done, to think that by postponing it will be OK.

Day 64 – Imbalance

In the past few weeks I have noticed that there is an imbalance within my life, where I have realised that I have no balance between my responsibilities and activities. Mainly due to my very own limitations - or in other words "tiredness", where as I will tell myself I am not going to do something now, because I am to tired.

Through doing this the whole time, I have had other experiences as well, as time progresses I would find that one week a certain area within my life is up to date, where as the rest of my life is in the slums. This certain up-to-date part of my life would only last for about a week, and then rotate with a different aspect in my life. Meaning if I were to be a spinning wheel, I would have been way off balance, f*cking things up around me.

Though, the statement about the wheel spinning could be taken into context. Meaning if I only take care of one part of my life the rest is going to fall apart, which indicates I have to take a stance and start focusing on all of the aspects, duties and activities that needs to be done during the day, week, month to be able to gtet myself into balance. By stopping the mind from creating limitations, tiredness and excuses for why not to do something.

Day 63 – Inferiority towards intelligence

When and as I see myself not standing within myself as self direction, as breath when speaking to a person  with high intelligence, I stop and I breathe, I realise that this person is no more special, or important than me, and that I can actually learn a lot from this person by allowing myself to see and be this person's equal thus to not feel or be this person's inferior.

When and as I see myself putting people in class brackets where I judge them from and project a possible future, I stop and I breathe, I realise by doing this I am only living in an illusion with reality that does not exist, thus creating expectations that will never be met, meaning disappointment.

When and as I see myself not being able to keep a person interested within my conversation, or my information that I have to offer where it makes me feel like I might have lost the person, I stop and I breathe, I realise that if this is a person's response it means that I have to change my way of speaking or make any amendments necessary to keep the interest of my client.

When and as I see myself feeling inferior because of the fact that I do not understand someone, i stop and I breathe, I realise that this is a great opportunity to gain information and learn something new, and by doing this I have no reason to feel inferior.

When and as I see myself falling into a comfort zone, where I am not moving forward to better myself, I stop and I breathe, I realise that by acting this way I am only hindering myself, and by doing this I am not self directing within the breathe.

When and as I see myself as the inferior because of situations that I don't have direct control over, I stop and I breathe, I realise that I can't do anything about the particular situation, and therefore I have no need to be the inferior because of my actions which I am acting upon - asking the person to repeat themselves.

I commit and allow myself to stand my ground, to find out what lies beneath the unknown and make it  known, so it may be my own.

I commit and allow myself to be here within the breathe, the physical reality of what I can see with my eyes, and allow myself to live for what is here within my conversations that I have with my clients, to be able to be the directive principle of my words and my world.

Day 62 – Inferiority towards intelligence, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior toward a person because of the intellectual power they may possess, and that I am allowing myself to feel shaken within this conversation, instead of standing my ground and follow simple self direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put people and brackets - giving them class - and through this judge them and create expectation to what might happen, or how the conversation might go, instead of being here in the present accepting things for as it is, and to see it playing out for what it is, instead of creating projected ideas of how things may play out, for as they don't play out as expected - I would be lost.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to find it difficult to keep this person interested within my conversation because of the fact that he already understood 70% of what I am saying, and even predicting my next words that I want to use.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to judge myself for the idea of me not understanding the new kind of slang that I am introduced to, and thus have to ask question over and over, where as the person has to repeat themselves to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in a comfort zone with the kind of people I am dealing with, not allowing myself to penetrate new challenges within my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior toward this person because of my ears, that they were blocked and I could not hear them properly, forcing me to ask them to repeat themselves because what is being said in these conversation is important.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in back-chat because of the situation I am, thus directing myself into a self-judgment state of where I am creating my situation as I am the inferior, and my client is the superior.

Day 61 - Inferiority Towards Intelligence

Today I have met a client, that had the intellectual level of people I am used to talk with... where, within my occupation I am used to speak to people that are less educated, and doesn't capture information as fast as an educated person does. I had difficulty maintaining the interest level of this person, and at some point rather felt inferior towards the words that this person used, mainly because I did not understand them or I am not familiar with the slang - I did not expect these things in the conversation, as I am in a comfort zone.

Also, I felt inferior because of the fact that I could not hear properly, I had the flue for about a week and a few days now, where as my ears are kind of blocked, meaning I can't hear what people are saying, so half or almost all of my concentration lies within trying to hear this person speaking, and then at the same time trying to concentrate on what has been said, and then be able to directly reply. Which I found to be difficult, I have asked probably with every second statement/question for the person to repeat themselves, where as after a while I would start with back-chat, and then this would be followed up upon with me feeling inferior because of the situation - not hearing well, and someone using a high level of vocabulary.

Because of this, after the appointment with my client, I felt as if I had let myself down or as if I had failed myself with this person and the creation of a sale. I had stopped the back-chat within this, which assisted and supported me, not creating any de-motivational feelings toward my goal, or holding me back, but instead took it as a learning curve for next time. With this I had realised myself how important vocabulary is, for I was not able to speak and communicate effectively with this person for I have missed a few words.

Day 60 – Sleepwalking

The last few days I have realised something strange happening around me and my room. Some of my items in my room would get displaced during the night, where as the next morning I would wake up and wonder how, or why has this item moved, or even appeared in my room.

So the first event took place about 2 nights back, when I went to bed I was fully clothed, with my flip flops next to my bed - as I wore them before going to bed.. the next morning I woke up without my t-shirt, and my flip flops standing in the precise middle of the TV room, perfectly  next to each other facing my room.. whats up with that? It was like someone had put it there for me to notice. Where I would usually just kick them out flying all over the place, and leave it where ever it lands. Just so that I can search for them every 5 minutes when they are in need - no reason why thou.

This was the first time that I noticed something was going on here, but ignored it. Until the new day broke upon me, where I would wake up looking at a random toilet paper role on my little bed table next to me - I am not a person to walk around with toilet paper or tissues for when I am sick or ill. I just don't do that - but here it was in my room next to my bed on the table staring at me, not knowing where it came from or when it was placed there, which was not done by me, and which was not there the previous night.

So this is the point I would like to investigate and explore more - sleepwalking. I had done this when I was a young boy under the age of 10 or 15, not completely sure. I also used to talk a lot in my sleep which is another part of this exploration process that I am going to attend now.

Day 59 – Speaking Up, Part 3

When and as I see myself being nervous around other people while speaking to them, I stop and I breathe, I realise that I have nothing to be afraid of when speaking to them, realise that the information I have is solid, and integrated into my body, and therefore I have no need to be nervous.

When and as I see myself not being serious over my work I do, I stop and I breathe, I relaise that I have to be serious about it, but in the same time I can allow myself to have fun, and make jokes with the people I am dealing with to get them more involved into conversation etc.

When and as I see myself as being a clumsy guy because I don't (or didn't) know how to speak to others, or by becoming nervous about it, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this nervousness is just because I am not used to doing this type of work where I have to deal with people, and by doing this everyday, supporting myself within the breathe and with self-direction I will become better at what I do.

When and as I see myself defying myself as clumsy all over, with everything I do, and not only for when I have to speak, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is just a believe system, and not who I am.

When and as I see myself wanting to hide from people because I feel shy or whatever, I stop and I breathe, to be able to realise that I will have to go out there and talk to these strangers anyway, in one way or another, and by postponing this will only waste time, where as I should instead take the self-direction and responsibility to do it now.

When and as I see myself believing that I am a weak person just because I have troubles speaking, I stop and I breathe, I realise that this is a point in only one aspect, and this is not who I am, i have my strong points, and weak points, where as I am able to work on both, and through realising this I can take the self-responsibility and self-direction to push through these points to better them, to stand within them as one and as equal to be able to change it from there.

I commit and allow myself to be boundless by the point of weakness I experience through supporting myself by breathing and to realise that I am here in the physical and that I have nothing to be afraid of, meaning I should allow and direct myself to break through this weakness to be able to live my utmost potential.

I commit and allow myself to appear as being a strong person, through standing within my words, within the moment of here as I speak, to mean each and every word, and to be aware of each and every word I use, to make them mine, and to express myself within these words I use, not only for the person I am speaking with, but for myself as well, to be able realise that I am here as breathe, as words, speaking with a strong and clear voice.

Day 58 – Speaking Up, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel nervous while speaking to other people, and to let this nervousness that I am experiencing influence my direction in conversation, taking away my control over my words I have/need to speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am playing a game, and not taking my work up as important as I should, and because of this I have allowed myself to mess around or take time off where I don't have the time to take off.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as a clumsy guy who can't handle the interaction between two humans, namely myself and the person I am in contact with while speaking.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this clumsy guy is who I am, for I have never really had self-direction within my movement, and through not having this self-direction I have build up this believe system from which I have created the image of myself as being a clumsy guy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I am a shy person, wanting to hide from everyone because of all the stories I have heard from when I was a baby, where people would refer to me as a shy child that does not like to interact with other people, and through these words, I have build this character as me, relying on this information, and using it as an excuse for why I am quit, or not talk-active.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a weak person just because I don't have to words to express myself, and define myself as weak all over, in every aspect just because of this assumption that I have made, while knowing of my strong points.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this weakness shows when I do open my mouth even when I do so with self-direction - basically a point of back-chat when done talking and busy reflecting upon the past event.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be limited by this point of weakness that I have experienced, for I have allowed myself to stretch this point over all aspects of my life instead of leaving it as the one concentrated point, focusing myself on this point to be able to correct it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let this show in my speech whenever I would speak to someone, to let this give me bad results in the end, not opening the doors I need opened.

Day 57 – Speaking Up

So, this week that had just passed I have realised that I am not playing a game anymore while working. This means that I am not nervous anymore when I have to speak to another person while on the job. I have realised that shit just got real and that I need to act like it, instead of been a clumsy guy trying to communicate with a total stranger.

Meaning, I was anxious every damn time I had to open my mouth and speak to a person, which showed where that person could see it, and it created an effect where they could see that this guy is "weak" in terms of communicating with someone else. This had an impact on me and my information I had to give over to the other person. This had resulted in a situation where they would not take me serious, where they probably thought that I am a phony or something of the sort.

This has now turned around, when I do speak up, I am able to present my information that I have, doing so clearly and effectively. This has been a game changer for me since I have realise this point, to realise that I am speaking in confidence, that only now am I able to take myself seriously of what I am doing, and by realising this and walking within my words has it only had good results for me. 

Day 56 – Took an arrow to the knee, Part 3

When and as I see myself fear in a situation of danger, not realising that the fear might be the cause of real danger, or casualties, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this fear is in control of me, and that I should get rid of it, by assisting myself through breathing and letting go of the fear, to realise that this fear is only made up out of thoughts, and is not real.

When and as I see myself not being in control of myself because of an event that took place, I stop and I breathe, to slow down the moment, to slow down my body that is in automation - meaning it can go wrong anytime - and realise that I should be in control, that I should trust myself to be in control of my own body, and then only then move it with self-direction whilst being in the breath, the moment of here.

When and as I see myself fearing that I might be lost and never be found by anyone, I stop and I breathe, I realise that I am not too far gone from where I originally am, and that I will find my way.

When and as I see myself fearing that I might walk into violent and abusive people I stop and I breathe, I then slow down the moment, to see why am I fearing something that's not here within the present, but a future event created within my mind, by me, and then realise that this is just a thought, and that it is not real, thus I am O.K.

When and as I see myself being blazed with fears, and allowing these fears to overwhelm me in a matter of a few seconds, just to be gone, I stop and I breathe with the realisation that it is not real, only thoughts and that I am here, as the breathe, within the physical reality, observing and expressing and living life, with nothing to fear, or stop me from living my utmost potential in any giving moment.

I commit and allow myself to live in each moment as self-direction, to let go of my fears with the realisation and the knowing that it is not real, but only a thought, and by knowing this allowing myself to live my utmost potential in each and every breathe I take.

Day 55 – Took an arrow to the knee, Part 2

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a blaze of fear just as I hit the ground, realising that I have hurt my knee, not being able to walk/work effectively, fearing that I might not get away from that location, and be left behind by the people, and get lost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to control my actions after the incident, resulting in fear of what might happen, instead of being here, breathing through the moment to support myself with the pain I am experiencing and my thoughts that are about to rock through my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear for my leg, that it might be broken, instead of being calm, breathing and assessing myself and my leg to see what is going on with it, and to see if it is fine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear in the moment of the incident, to be controlled by the actions/events that took place, and not be in control of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will get lost, and never be found again, have to spend the rest of my days surviving all alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will get lost, and then be found by random strangers that are violent, abusive, or even murderers, so fearing for my life, the fear of death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go down this path of fears, fearing to a point where I thought it could even be my life being taken away from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I might catch a fire on the ground, and burn myself to death - resulting in jumping up, adding heavy pressure on my damaged knee/leg without seeing/realising the consequences, instead of being calm and get up with the leg that is fine.

Day 54 – Took an arrow to the knee

 I didn't literally took an arrow to the knee, otherwise I would not be sitting here typing, but I did take a rock to the knee, and it hurts like hell. How this happened was because of a fire here in the valley, and we were called out to help put it out.

As we arrived, we started to put the fire out, we were a team of 5 guys with fire beaters. Now while the fire is out there blazing hot in the fields, you can see clearly, even though it looks like you are in some kind of Elders Scroll game: Oblivion. So, as the fire dies out because of our man power with these fire beaters, it became dark, almost pitch black and this is where I tripped on a massive rock and fell face first on the ground. I managed to do this because of the 3 jackets I had collected, meaning my hands were full.

Now as I fell and hit the ground where my knee jammed into this massive rock and hurting it, I instantly started to fear of what might happen to me as I was here all alone in this field (the other people already left on foot, in a hurry to the next location of the fire) with my leg feeling almost numb whilst my knee felt like its been cut off, I feared for my safety, feared that I might get left behind, and be lost.

Meaning - because of these fears I tried to stand up as quickly as possible to get off the hot ground, and to catch up with the other people I realised that I was crippled because of my knee. This is when I started to experience even more fear, here I am in an unknown field which just burnt down, in the dark and no one in sight thinking/fearing I might have broken my leg as the pain spiked throughout my whole right leg as I stepped on it, with no one to help me. Suddenly realising that I am also out of breath, because of this shock and fears.

This is when I realised that fear is any man's downfall, and that a person have to deal with these fears to get rid of them, to get along, to be able to stand up for yourself, to stand up tall in any situation and not let your mind and it's fears get in the way.

Day 53 – Comfortability, Part 3

When and as I see myself being uncomfortable with who or what I am in any situation, I stop and I breathe, I realise that this uncomfortably is just an idea in my head about what other humans might think of me, and that this idea should not define me for who I am or for how I experience the moment, enabling myself to express myself to enjoy the moment in comfortability.

When I see myself as being uncomfortable with any human, if I know them since today, or since the day that I can remember, I stop and I breathe, I realise that by being uncomfortable with myself and the people around me will only take my joy and experience within life away, and hinder me in the process of living out my utmost potential.

When and as I see myself creating the idea within my head that I make other people uncomfortable, I stop and I breathe, I realise that if I am going to channel my energy into this thought that it will only hinder me in this present moment.

When and as I see myself feeling awkward around other people, I stop and I breathe, I realise that this is just thoughts within my mind that generates this feeling and that it is not real, and therefore I can be who I am without feeling awkward or uncomfortable.

When and as I see myself following a pattern of thoughts about physical contact, i stop and I breathe, I realise this is a pattern and that my thoughts are looping within this pattern, and by realising this I can let go of this patter and release myself from thinking about the past moment that is long gone, and allow myself to be here within the present.

When and as I see myself projecting the moment taking place in the present, to see what it might be in the future, I stop and I breathe, I realise by doing this I am not being here with the moment, but instead in the future playing out another reality which does not even exists, and by realising this I can stop myself from continuing on this path, and instead be in the moment of here within the physical reality, expressing myself.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself feeling stiff, or that I am not comfortable within my own body, and that I can't move around as I wish to, I stop and I breathe, I realise by feeling this way is just me not accepting myself and my body for who and what I am, and therefore create a disconnection between myself and my body, (which is one and the same, as I am a body and not just inside of a body or placed in a body that is not mine) and therefore need to breathe and assist myself to bring myself back to reality to realise that my body is me, and that I am my body.

I commit and allow myself to be comfortable in any given situation, to be myself and to be true by being in the moment of here, the present within each and every breath.

I commit and allow myself to accept psychical contact from another person, to feel comfortable and relaxed when such a situation arise and not to project the outcome of the situation.