Continuation from previous post: Day 68 - Resonance
SO at the farm I
spoke to some people where they gave me pointers on what it possibly could be
and I had come to a conclusion about it.
First –
Self-sabotage
Second – Attention
(normally from friends)
Point of
self-sabotage:
How this started –
It was in the year 2008, just after we received Internet connection (ADSL Line).
What the Internet did was it created an environment for me to explore the world
and the knowledge that it possesses, but as a young kid I wasn’t aware that you
should actually dig through heaps of info on the Internet just to get yourself
at a legitimate piece of knowledge.
So within this I
have found and discovered that the world is going to “end” in the year 2012
with all the conspiracy theorists and their information and evidence that they
have on what is going to happen, and I actually believed this for some time. I
started to think if this is true, why study, why work why slave your life away
in a job one day just to die in a few years, or actually just after high school
is finished?
With this believe -
because of the information I have received, I didn’t do much. I have always resisted
everything I do which was in direct relation with me and my future on how I am
going to build this future of mine.
After I have
realised now that this is all bullshit about the world coming to an end, I have
stopped believing it, but the problem was… the patterns that I have created
within my thought process and the doing part of it, the resistance stayed, instead
of fading away as it should have. This resistance after this had built up to a
point where I resist not only work but mostly with all things I am doing. I am
in consistent conflict within myself.
This conflict
within myself now has emerged into my mind to a way of escaping and this is
where I have started to generate a resonance which is one of mugging or getting
hurt – a way out, where I do not have to take the responsibility of walking out
of this exit door. Purely meaning that whenever I had to do any work, I thought
that the world should just rather end than me doing this right now. Or for when
I would go to work in JHB, on the road sometimes I would wish that something
bad happens on the road to work, just so that I don’t have to go to work. If this
bad thing was to be with me or someone else, it doesn’t matter – it’s a way of
not going to work, right? This is about one example, there are way more of
these scenarios.
To top it off..
this is what happens deep inside of my mind, in the dark corners, the corners
which I am aware of, but not directly aware of… meaning I know the thoughts are
there, all I did was covering it up with “positive Thinking”, believing that
these thoughts would cover those bad dirty ones up, instead of actually
realising what I am busy doing. Instead of going into these dark corners in my
mind, grab the thoughts and get rid of them. Which is a great starting point
for now actually.
To be continued (Second
conclusion – Attention)
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