Day 74 – Fighting Myself

So this is a point where I stop myself from being myself with other people, meaning I would tell myself not to say something, or do something because I think it will not be acceptable, or people will not accept me for what I say/do. This is where the conflict arises, it’s not a conflict where I would shout at myself, or get angry at myself, it all happens very calmly, on how I tell myself not to do or say something, whereas afterwards I will regret not saying it, which leads to the conflict part where I ask myself the whole time, why did I not do or say that, instead of keeping quiet.

This also happens when I get really angry like almost a rage, which is a very rare occurrence. If a situation arises where I get that angry because of what someone else is doing or saying towards me I would usually just walk away. When I walk away it’s because I feel like bursting and lashing out at the person – which I don’t want to do. But then again it is not helping me or the situation to just walk away from what is happening and supressing myself and my anger, which is probably the reason for my acne face that I am dealing with. When this happens, obviously in my mind afterwards I will be in a consistent battle with myself on how I could have handled the situation.

Now, to get to the bottom of this. Why am I suppressing myself, compromising myself for others in ways that they don’t even know or are aware of? Why do I let myself stop myself from expressing myself and saying what I want or need to say? Where did this all started, meaning the day I stopped saying whatever I felt like saying – I remember this time of my life, it was awesome. Somewhere I just stopped doing this to not step over boundaries, to keep people calm and let them keep on liking me, even thou I am compromising my freedom(In my mind) for them without them knowing anything about this.

This is a point of acceptance, wanting other people to like me, love me or whatever. Instead of me to be whom I am, say what I want to say even if it get people to jump on their horses, I became someone I am not just to please them.