So, here I am again same point as in
realisation of self, in some degree. This time I am still in the third person
view of my life and my reality. Here the problem start with me having to act
and be grown up, filling the shoes of responsibility. Meaning with my work I
have to do, and all my other random things in my life, for instance taking
self-direction and self-responsibility to build my life, and create my life for
what I want and need out of it to live and be free!
Here I experience this feeling of
having shoes, massive in size, and I have to step into them. As I do, I feel
like my substance of my existence, everything within me, myself, are just not
enough to fill these shoes. How does a child fill them all up with such a small
body/substance? Even though I am 23 years old (In a few days) I still feel like
a kid, a child. A person who should not yet take on such responsibilities of
life, controlling and taking direction of self with, steering the ship of life
through the crackling storm that life has to offer. How does grown-ups do this,
what or who is a grown up? I am an adult, does that make me a grown up? What am
I? Why can’t I fill these shoes to take on life as I am supposed to?
How do I walk up to someone 20 years
older than me, talk to them as if I have the knowledge/experience of the world,
and offering them something beneficial for their family, and taking the
responsibility of their children’s future for that short time I spend with them
into my hands?
How to appear strong and bold, be the
authority in a sense that is not offensive, but instead be directive? How to fill these shoes, if it feels like I am a 10 year old kid still?
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