Day 71 – Point of Resonance (mugging), Part 4

I  forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in a conspiracy and lived my life around it, believing that the world may come to an end, and that there is no use in me studying or living my life in a way that I can make the best of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the first pieces of information that I have received, basically making me very gullible  toward any information that I receive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not investigate the situation and the information that I have received to be able to make a decision based on common sense, on actually facts and not just that of which the first person told me.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to resist life, to resist myself, to resist information, to resist my future, to resist study, I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to resist the point of studying for school to be the best student, to live up to my full potential, I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to resist myself to allow myself to live, to allow myself to be what I can be, to be what I want to be, I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to resist any information that I receive to not want to participate within it, to acquire  it and to be able to use it, I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to have a resistance toward life, to not participate within it as I should, to shy away from society, to use it as an excuse not to be seen or heard, not to be present with reality but instead to wish that it can just happen already and get over with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind a computer all these years to not deal with reality because of the believe that everything will go to waste, to then resist life, myself, my future, everything within my existence.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to create these patterns of resistance towards my existence and towards myself for I have believed that it all won’t matter in a few short years, and because of these patterns integrated within my mind, I now believe that it is hard to learn or acquire new information and walk with it, as these patterns of resistance keep on holding me back for I have only fed them with energy to allow them to grow, instead of working through them to get over it and to move myself toward my goal, to be able to accept my existence as here as life in the physical, to accept myself and allow myself to be for who I am.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to be in conflict with myself, for being in conflict with everything I am doing – if it is playing computer, working, watching series etc. and through this conflict not being able to do everything I am doing in confidence, or to my utmost potential.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to wish that bad things could happen around me or even with me just so I can have an exit door towards my responsibilities - to get a way out of my responsibilities – and not deal with them for instance working, so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist my work, which leads to negative thoughts, which creates a resonance within me that are attracting these things, and then where these bad things would happen to me eventually.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even have these thoughts, to have a thought about how I, or a fellow human being get hurt just for me to have the opportunity to dodge work(or any responsibility).

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to stand within resistance towards my responsibilities, to not accept my responsibilities and due to that create a conflict within myself that has an effect not only on me but the people around me – everyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn a blind eye towards these thoughts, acting as if they did not exist, but in the same time reacted upon them by consciously having positive thoughts to counter these negative thoughts, creating a battlefield within my mind which I call conflict with myself.