Day 27 –The Realisation of What it is to Care, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on a responsibility against my will, not wanting to take care of another being and be responsible for its survival, for the sake of my time that is going to be consumed by this decision all because of self-interest, wanting my time for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a decision on an assumption that I have made, whilst not knowing the condition of the animal that I have to take care of now, that I have made my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist the point of taking care of Birdy, instead of breathing, be in the moment and give him his food/water, and take care of him to get well faster, to be free.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in another moment of time, while doing the cutting up of fruit, cleaning of water, and cage, instead of being here with what I am doing now, taking care of this newly found life form that I have discovered to be in the hand of me, my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think this is a waste of time, to look after the bird, as I was in the mind set of wanting to set it free, endangering it to get tired out there in the wild, not be able to eat, or fly for safety, and maybe dying of natural causes, where as it could have survived if he had the full strength of its body, after being taken care of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise what the consequence of my thoughts might have been if this line of thought had been kept up with me and the care taking of Birdy, not realising that this is LIFE, the essence, we are suppose to be the care takers, not the destroyers, as we act out to be the destroyers of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a believe system that we as humans has to be the care takers, not the destroyers of this world, instead of living here in the moment as one, as EQUAL with each being as we are all the care takers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take care of myself as I would for the bird, or any other living being for that matter, resulting in a poor life quality, where I will not be able to be functioning, thus not living in the moment of here, and not being able to take care.

Day 26 –The Realisation of What it is to Care.

The realisation of what it is to really take care of another life form. In this instance a little bird, that has been injured, do not know how thou but, I was giving the responsibility to look after him for the next few weeks or so. I am going to call it birdy, short and sweet.

At first I said yes I’ll do it but, with hesitation because I know this is going to take a moment out of my day that I have to spend with the bird, giving him food/water, cleaning his cage and then my room, he seems to like it to aim outside of the cage when taking his poo, shooting all over, maybe he has a personal best record which he wants to break on how far he can get that poo to go? Anyway, this time I was not really willing to give away for this bird, I felt he needed to be set free, but is too weak to be set free, so from the first moment of this responsibility I received, I was doing it just because I have to, and for the worst I did this with resistance, a lot of resistance.

I have birdy for a week and a few days now, and within this whole time every morning when I would wake up, I would do my own thing first, taking “care” of me, self-interest. Then after a while I will give him food, with the mood of I don’t want to do this man, come on, this is my time being wasted, all because of the thought that we should set it free of course.

In this time, I have tried to let him free in my room, just to give him some space and not to be trapped in his cage, as of the fact that he comes from the wild, he was not tamed to live in a cage or by the presence of a human, and so this must be some horrible experience for him.

 Because of the thought I had (about we should set him free), I would try and get him out of the cage to be free for a bit, and with limits within my room so he doesn’t escape. So as I went to the cage, he would already start to breathe fast, and make some soft whistling sound, (and take his first poo, aiming somewhere outside the cage, of course) and as I would stuck my hand in the cage, he would jump around madly, with somewhere in between another poo taken, more than once. I have never caught him until this day. I am still trying.

All of the above was done with resistance until my brother came into my room, and spoke about the birdy, and the care taking. As he came in, he asked me who am I when I am taking care of this bird, who am I in the present moment of opening that cage door, taking the food/water out to replace it? He would go on to ask me this question, until I’d answer him, which I couldn’t, because who am I in that moment of doing it? I am not Julian, this is just a name with tags connected to it, linking all my information together of “who I am suppose to be”, none of it is me, I am Here not in the past, and what/how I do it within the moment of here, is who I am. So with birdy, I was basically only a point of resistance each and every time trying to connect with him, to let him see it is save he can trust me, I will not hurt him, but how can he trust me if he experience a point of resistance within me, every time when I am working with him, and trying to earn his trust?

At this moment, I had the realisation that I am not really taking care of this life form I had in my care and my responsibility, one that I am suppose to be one and equal with, in every breath of every moment, one I should be taking care off as I would take care of myself. So I realised this whole point where I could clearly see I was not taking care of him, and so it reflects back on me, showing myself that I am not really taking care of me, and myself. The concept I had of taking care (of myself or any living form) was all wrong, this brought a tear (or two) to my eye, which I could not stop for the first time in my life, I could not hold back my own reaction, so deep and strong was this realisation. In this same moment I also realised what LIFE is. I realised what shit we as humans do to this earth, the one and only thing that provides us with food/water, shelter, and LIFE, to be able to live here and experience the magnificence, to have that one chance (your life) to life as one as equal with all, taking care of all, the environment, the beautiful earth, instead of destroying it. All of this was realised within one moment. A moment of where I have to make a stance for myself, for life, for all as one and as equal.

This I will have to do step by step, beginning small, with little birdy in his cage and of how scared he is of me, taking it breath by breath, releasing the resistance and working in harmony with birdy, and instead within the moment of doing, actually expressing myself, enjoying replacing his food/water, taking care of him in a way as if I am the one in that cage, injured. Really taking take, and not just filling up of food/water. Because, how would you like to be taken care of, if you were to put in a cage, for protection, to get you healed up before you are set a free again? 

Day 25 – One Day Off, Part 3

When and as I see myself wishing for a day off at work/home, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is only a pattern playing out, and by following this pattern I hinder the experience of now, meaning instead of doing what I wishes to do on my day off, I sit and wish, instead of actually doing it (whatever I need/want to do) through self-direction and expression.

When and as I see myself wanting to praise myself for the hard work that I have done, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is just self-interest and points of justifications to have time for myself, which will be wasted in instead of being productive in this time at home (or at work).

When and as I see myself being tired and telling myself I am tired the whole time, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is a pattern of limitation with tiredness that only slows me down in my work that is being done, making me unproductive especially when at work.

When and as I see myself procrastinating through not doing as I intend, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is just laziness that is preventing me from going out in the world to explore and create new challenges for myself.

When and as I see myself believing the justifications that I have created for why I should get a day off, I stop and I breathe. I realise these justifications are lies, as of it is just giving me false reason to why I need the day off and making the situation ok for when I do get this day of laziness off from work.

When and as I see myself believing my own justifications/lies and through doing so abusing myself, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this self-abuse is damaging to me, preventing me from living in the moment as here and as now, and limiting my living experience as it is through laziness.

When and as I see myself having the desire to be lazy and not do anything at all, I stop and I breathe. I realise this desire for laziness is hindering me, and not allowing myself to move forward, but instead to stagnate.

I commit and allow myself to let go of the idea that I need the day off from work, as this creates justification on why I need it, and to make it ok for me to think that I need this day of, creating a loop within my mind.

I commit and allow myself to realise that in the moment of thought where I think I am tired, that I stop and breathe, to realise that I am here within this moment and that I am not tired, it is just the mind that is in need of shut down for rest, basically bringing myself back to the moment of here as the physical reality out of the mind where one gets tired.

I commit and allowed myself to live each moment in the breath, to be aware of my physical body, and every part of it, to feel the life within, and to realise I am HERE, not in my past, nor in my future.

Day 24 – One Day Off, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish for a day off at work, creating a loop within my mind, where as it will be activated when I am not busy, and also not in the moment of now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to praise myself by taking a day of, because I have worked too much in the past week, creating further effects such as justification/lies that I am telling myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am tired the whole time and need some rest, even thou I have not really done anything physically, just been sitting the whole day working/playing on the computer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate life, through not doing as I direct myself to do, basically not using self-direction, where as I get stuck in front of a computer, instead of exploring my world/environment around me.

I forgive myself for that I have accepted and allowed myself to create justification in the concept of getting a day off, and then believe in these justification, fooling me by lying and abusing myself within this process of believes that I have created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be abused by myself, in the sense of believing the lies I tell myself, in the form of justifications.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the lies I tell myself, and by believing the lies, limiting myself because I know that I will not do these thing that I am telling myself that I am going to do, that is why it is a lie when it is being told.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be lazy, to sit at home and do nothing, to let the laziness take control of me never allowing me to move forward with self-direction within the moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to take on the challenge, the self-responsibility and self-direction upon the point of laziness, to be able to get up and out of my chair and to move to where I want and need to be, expressing myself within whatever I want to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the pattern of laziness get to me, to take me out of the moment of now, projecting me into the future where I have the day off, while having the day off, and to see and wish for things to do, or telling myself I will and need to do it and going to do it, where as it never gets done, creating believable lies within me, where as I would abuse myself with over and over.

Day 23 – One Day Off

Is my mind stuck in a loop? Every day, even on a day off, I am asking myself why can’t I get a day off from work, to just sit at home and chill, but then I realise I am doing it at the moment. That’s the reason for me to be able to ask this question in the first place, because when I am busy I don’t have time to think about this.

I would find that I feel that I have worked hard during the week, and deserve this a day off from work, not needing to go and do my responsible thing as I have to do every day to earn money to be able to survive. Yes, survive.

This was the problem I faced for a year and few months, always wanted that day off and never seemed to get it, even if I had a long weekend, or a 3 weeks holiday. It is as if I am tired the whole time, and then my mind gets stuck in this loop, where it thinks I still need a holiday to rest while, well, resting.

My mind would create any justifications needed to support this idea, where I would use it against myself and I would believe it. That is how one abuses self with lies and justification. You would justify the concept of “getting a day off” through telling yourself you have worked enough this week and needs rest or time to explore the outside world, or you need a little bit of “me” time, or you just need to get out of the money system to be free etc. and this list goes on as you are in the moment of thought, limiting yourself.

The thing is, this is just laziness that acts out, because when I do have the day off, I am not exploring the world, I am not taking the time for myself, and best off all I am not doing anything about the fact that I am trapped within this money system. This is all lies I tell myself just to spend my time in front of the computer or any other “useless” activity, which isn’t “me” time because I am not spending it with me.

The problem here is, I am limited by thoughts, meaning one should not use the mind, but instead take on the challenge of self-responsibility, and with self-direction to direct yourself to do what is necessary in the physical reality of now, and of course within the moment of each breath.  Meaning if you take that day off, you’re not going to spend it playing games, but actually use the time to improve yourself with the “me time” concept, or take on the challenge to get yourself out of the money system (or just accept it, learn how it works exactly and make it better for yourself) and help others in this process.

Through doing this, I’ll already break the loop which my mind is set in, when I feel tired of working.

Next post, applying SF for not taking self-responsible, Self-direction, and the justifications.

Day 22 – Uncertainty, Part 3

When and as I see myself separating myself from the words that I am about to speak, I stop and I breathe, I realise that I am the creator of these words that I am about to use, and should stand as one and as equal with them, as of it is mine to be expressed through me within the moment and the physical reality of now.

When and as I see myself fearing the words that I have created, I stop and I breath, I realise this fear has power over me, only if I give it the power needed to be in control of me, and with this realisation I assist myself through breathing, and being here in the physical to move through this point, and to see there is no need for fear, for my own words that I create.

When and as I see myself not standing as one and equal with my words, creating uncertainty, I stop and a I breathe, I realise these words are mine to use, as I am the creator of these words, and so do not have to be uncertain of it, while seeing that it is mine, so should I stand within them, as I express it.

When and as I see myself doubting my own words through known facts/personal experiences I stop and I breathe. I realise these events/information lies within my body, as mine and that I have no reason to doubt it, for it is mine, integrated within my physical body.

When and as I see myself creating scenarios in my mind before and event, i stop and I breathe, I realise this is a pattern playing out, and through this realisation I breathe and bring myself back to the moment of here, where as if I would continue I would create unnecessary stress for myself and the words I am about to use.

When and as I see myself just rambling of with my words, and not being self-directive with what I want to say, I stop and I breathe,  or rather slow down in this situation, and realise that I am not making sense, or speaking in confusion.

I commit and allow myself to be directive with my words that I want to use while speaking, saying what I need to say, and being certain within my words as I speak them.

I commit and allow myself to enjoy my conversations I have with other people, not to rush it off and get it over and done with.

I commit myself to express myself within the moment of conversation, saying what I want to say, and be creative, but sure to get the message across.

I commit myself to breathe in, before speaking, and as soon as I start to breathe out, to speak my words loud and clear in the correct order without being in a hurry to get it over and done with.

I commit myself to be here, in the present moment of the physical reality that I experience.

Day 21 – Uncertainty, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be separate from the words that I want to use, to not be connected with what I am about to say, to be able to be certain about my saying, to then fear that I will struggle to get the words out, making me nervous, and rushing myself off to get it over and done with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the words that I am going to use in any instance, to fear that I may stumble and fall upon them, and then feels like I am just throwing them out there hoping for the best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand within the words that I want to speak, to be certain of the words, and to see the words, so that I may be able to use these word to communicate effectively with the other person, to be here in the moment in every breath while speaking to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself, and the facts, opinions, memories I have and want to share with whomever, to think that the other person can see through me, and my uncertainty that I have about these things, creating my very own problem of the uncertainty, a big loop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be uncertain of myself, and my experiences, and to be uncertain on HOW to communicate these experiences with someone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a scenario within my head of how I am going to say whatever I want to say, creating unnecessary stress before speaking, which leads up to  speaking fast, unclear, and confusing the other person with my words.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be expressive with my words, to enjoy speaking when I have to, to be in the moment of now and not in the near future in my mind of how I am going to say the next sentence, where in the mean time I lose the information that is being spoken of in the conversation I am having.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to be self-directive with what I want to say, to know for sure what the message is that I want to get across to the person and to be effective with doing in so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the words that I want to use, to think I will mess it up, and to fear the messing up part, all before it has happened, instead of realising that I am here, in the breathe, and be directive with myself and my words within this moment of here and now in the physical reality as I experience it.

Day 20 – Uncertainty

How I have found out about my uncertainty (In terms of speaking out loud) was actually through being certain within my words, and the concept of what I was trying to portray while I was speaking with my brother and a friend the other night.

It was a moment where I could talk with no struggle, I had the words laid out in my mind, I could see them, I could feel them, and best of all I could express these words out loud with certainty, knowing what I was about to say and exactly how and in what order.

After the moment had passed I could not believe myself, this was true I had no struggle as I usually have while trying to explain something to someone. I actually aced this conversation and the explanation. I was cool after it all, phew, so don’t worry about a scene of some nervous clumsy guy getting excited about an accomplishment.

BUT, this opened up a whole new challenge for me; within my whole life that I have lived thus far I have always had a struggle with the explanation of something when putting it into words, or just talking for this matter. I have always struggled to speak out loud without being nervous, or rushing off with my sentence just to get it out and done with, instead of relaxing, and enjoying the moment of where I can talk, and tell someone more about me, or the experience I had, or just find out more about the person I am speaking with. Everything was done through a struggle, and this struggle was because I was uncertain of what I wanted to say, or how to say it, or did not know the facts so well to speak it out loud, explaining it to someone else with confidence.

This was me, since always. The only time I can remember where I was able to speak out of certainty, or with confidence was at my old job, where I was the only graphic designer, and through working with designs and the programs, I had to be certain of myself and what I was busy with doing, so whenever someone had something to say/ask, I could explain with confidence, but anything out of the graphic design region, would made me struggle, be uncertain and nervous.

So, I take on the challenge, to be certain with what I want to say/explain/express or whatsoever, even if it contains facts, or vaguely events I can’t remember too well, I will be certain with the words I know and how to speak them. I will assist myself through this challenge by breathing, to slow myself down in the moment, to see the words that I want speak out loud, to feel the words and to express myself within these words, for the words that I am about to speak is mine, as my living expression within the physical reality of here and now.

Day 19 – Music & Ego, Part 3

When and as I see myself creating a reality/illusion within the form of a memory in my mind while listening to music, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is only the ego within my mind, my self-interest, and that it is not reality, where as I support myself within this point through breathing and bringing myself back to the physical reality of now.

When and as I see myself creating barriers between me and my friends/family/girlfriend or whoever I may come into contact with, within this memory, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is only a memory that my mind has made up, it is not real, supporting myself through breath, realising each and everyone is equal.  

When and as I see myself denying the fact that life has moved on, I stop and I breathe. I realise that the past is long gone, the memories that I have not made as a teenager are also long gone, and cannot be new “made up Memories” within my mind as this takes me out of the physical reality of now and instead creates illusion, realising this I can stand as one and equal with the made up memories of me being young and free, and from this point on direct myself within the breath, the moment, as the physical reality, here.

When and as I see myself desire the perfect girl to have as my girlfriend, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is only a mind construct, believe and there is no such thing as a perfect someone just for you, and to realise we are all equal, with the support of the breath, in the moment of here as the physical reality.

When and as I see myself thinking that I am special in some way or another, I stop and I breathe. I realise my ego is creating separation within myself and the reality around me, hindering my experience with the environment and the people around me.

When and as I see myself being trapped within myself and not being able to escape, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is only my mind holding me back, and by this realisation an understanding I support myself through breathing, and bringing myself back to the physical reality of the here and now.

When and as I see myself fearing what others might think of me whenever I speak up, or do something, I stop and I breathe. I realise that the thoughts other people have about me are just thoughts, nothing real as of the fact that a thought within itself is just a thought and as an end result, does not need fearing.

When and as I see myself defying myself based on the words of others, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is abuse towards myself, self-abuse, change myself into someone for who I am not and basically living a lie.

When and as I see myself feeling depressed, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is just emotions based on past events which is not real, and that I am giving power to it and allowing it to control me, and through doing this I am busy disabling myself, not being able to be expressive within the moment, as here and not.

When and as I see myself being controlled by my ego, and the song I am listening to, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is only a song with music and lyrics, and the emotions/memories attached to it is my own doing, and through this understanding, I take responsibility for self and what I have created and from this point on forward, within the breathe I direct myself to be here, in the physical reality, with the realisation that the ego is not real, only that of which I can see and feel with my physical being is.

I commit myself to stand as one and equal with the emotions/attachments within this made up memory of mind, and from this point forward, to direct myself to breathe, and to release to let it go.

I commit myself to live in the physical reality of now, in the breath, to see and realise that I am one and equal with my surroundings, and the people I am in contact with.

Day 18 – Music & Ego, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a reality within my own mind, as a memory through listening to music, for the sake of self-interest, and my ego, where this ego gets everything that it wants enjoying every moment of it, until it brings me back to reality, to set me off in sadness, depression, longing for such a life, wanting my childhood back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe within this memory that I am the best, the coolest and most intellectual being of all, creating a barrier between me and my fellow  equal human beings, dividing us in separation and not standing as one and equal with them within this memory, where as my ego is the one “standing out” above all with these ideas/concepts of self within this memory I have created within this song.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that this is just a made up memory where I feed my ego with power over me, allowing it to control me within the moment as I am listening to the song “Man Overboard”.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to accept the fact that life has moved on, that I have responsibility now, that I have responsible for myself and no one else is responsible for me, and whatever I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire the girl of my dreams, while I know that this girl does not exist, because it is a made up mind construct of believe, where one believe that there is this girl out there specially made just for you, instead of realising that all is one and equal, none is better than the other, or special in some kind of way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am special within this memory that I have made up when listening to this song, to think that there is something about me, that I have and others does not have creating separation within me and the physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel trapped when I experience disillusionment when the memory is done playing within my mind, when thinking of where I am free, and not bound by the systems and patterns of the mind, and through experiencing this, feel depressed, sad and trapped within self, and the world around me, not able to move within the moment of breath in the physical reality.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to worry/fear what other might think of me, that there words and thought have an influence on me and the way I react and do things within this world, That I accept and allow their words and thoughts to shape me into the person I think I am today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by the words and thoughts of others, abusing myself through living in a lie, where I believe I am who I am because of what others tell me to be, through me accepting these words, instead of standing as self, in the moment of breath as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lonely/sad when listening to this song because of the fact that none of these memories are true, and through this, actually enjoying the sadness, because somehow somewhere I might get attention out of it, even if I am hiding it for everyone I know.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by the negative emotions/attachments toward this memory I have created within my mind by listening to this song.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my ego play games with me, controlling my emotions and in the end controlling me, deciding for me what to feel when, and for how long.

Day 17 – Music & Ego

I want to talk about music today, as of the fact that I am sitting here, listening to a song from the band ‘Blink 182’, it is called - Man Overboard. It has always been one of my favourite songs, especially for the ego.

Every time I hear this song, I remember an instance within my life, a reality that I have lived within once upon a time, many, many years ago... This reality was real. This reality was where I, Julian was the best, coolest and most intellectual dude you could have ever met; I had the girl of my dreams, I had the friends, and I had the awesome gifts of life, to be with these important people of my life, every night hanging out having fun and being young (and wild, if you wish?). Picture a time of your life where you had no responsibility, the only thing you had was basically fun and laughter, your parents took care of you.

As time passes by these things decay, and life moves on, but not with me, this just kept on going, forever and ever. I don’t know where forever ends, I assume this word is longer than it presents itself to be, or is it just me? Within this song I am listening to, I have no clear picture of how this memory goes on, but the memory is there, just vague. I had the love of a woman, I had the love of friends, and I had the laughter of a child with no worries in this world.

In this memory I am running in the streets, like a crazy kid would do who is listening to the kind of music that will make you just go all out within the expression of the moment, this is me expressing my inner self through what the music makes me feel, where I do not give a shit about what other people, and their thoughts may be about me. I am free from the systems, patterns, indoctrination/imprints and mind constructs that fucks me up. I am basically in this memory of me, free.

But within all this, there is a moment of quietness, a moment of deep sadness and loneliness running through this song. Why is that? Am I really free in this memory that is so real, or is this my ego playing a dirty game with me?

Nothing in this song and the memories it recalls is real. This writing/memory above is non-existing.

This is only the ego and the self-interest of the ego; everything should revolve around this ego, and if this ego does not get what it wants, well then you are going to have a bad time. It will drag you through depression, loneliness, emotional times etc. And all just for the fact that it can’t get what it wants.

This is how the ego plays dirty, it can take any song you are listening to, where it can relate your situation with, and make you Feel and attach Emotions to, just to drag you down to earth, if not underground.

 How does one fix this? Definitely not by feeding your ego with what it wants, but rather getting rid of it, piece by piece, bringing yourself to realise that life is here, in this moment as physical reality exists, there is no need for the ego.

Next post I will do SF, my starting point for where the eradication of my ego will begin.

Day 16 – Is this the Real Life or an RPG? Part 3

When and as I see myself creating an illusion within my mind, which I experience as “real” I stop and I breathe. I realise that it is only an illusion, and my reality is here at the moment as what I see it with my physical eyes, which means I embrace the place and the people around me, as real, physical reality.

When and as I see myself creating little boxes for people to identify them with, as higher, lower, or equal to me, I stop and I breathe. I realise that we all have the equal chance to live this life within the moment that is here and now in the physical reality, with no separation, groupings, and little boxes/levels to identify each other.

When and as I see myself experiencing a moment where no one and nothing is real, a moment of me separating myself from reality, I stop and I BREATHE. I realise that this is just an illusion, and this experience is the actually experience that is not real, so I assist and support myself through breathing and bringing myself back to the physical reality what is here and now.

When and as I see myself creating a barrier between me and reality, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is my mind playing its part in self-interest, wanting to separate itself from the moment of here, I support and assist myself through breathing bringing me back to the physical reality.

When and as I see myself limiting my reality with exploring the environment around me, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is just a pattern/program running, and through this understanding I support and assist myself through breathing, and directing myself towards a “goal” of what to explore within the environment through observing it with my physical eyes.

When and as I see myself limiting myself by being shy, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is just a pattern within my mind, and through this understanding I direct myself within the moment of breath, to open my mouth and to speak/say whatever I need to get across to the other person.

When and as I see myself fear for the reaction I might get out of the person whom I am communicating with, I stop, I breathe. I realise that this fear is not real, and whatever the reaction will be from this person, will not hurt/hinder me, except for when and if I allow it.

When and as I see myself defying myself by what others think of me, I stop and I breathe. I realise that the thoughts they have about me is obsolete, it is no use to me, or may influence me except for if I allow it to.

When and as I see myself getting stuck within reality, being stationary within the moment, I stop and I breathe. I realise that I am not moving, I am not Directing myself to the point where I need to be, so I assist myself within the moment of breath, to accept the challenge and responsibility to move myself, to stand up and do what I have to do.

I commit and allow myself to free the people I capture within my little prisons within my mind, to be able to be see them as my one and my equal.

I commit and allow myself to be just here, in this moment, to be aware of my environment, the people within and to realise, this is real, this is the physical reality and that I am alive, just as them.

I commit and allow myself to explore, to set myself a ‘goal’ within the moment of breath, then to stand up and direct myself towards my goal I have set through observing my environment and reality I am experiencing NOW.

I commit and allow myself to speak up when spoken to, to speak up when words are in the need of crossing my lips to communicate effectively, bold but respectful toward my equal.

Day 15 – Is this the Real Life or an RPG? Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a random illusion within my mind, where I see everybody as objects or non-living organisms and separating myself from the physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to capture people and their everyday lives into a tiny prison, separating them from me and my reality, seeing them as unimportant as they are just doing whatever they are busy with, thinking it has no influence on me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like nothing around me is real, no one is real, and that my reality is fake, and not here, meaning I am not living within the moment, as here in the physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe no one is real, except for me, and thus separating myself from them, and reality. Creating a barrier between me and them, and classifying myself above them for I am the only living person here, creating an inequality within me, and towards other people.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by this narrator, which is me and my system, patterns and programs running me, or actually just killing me, separating me from reality and the moment of now.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to experience disillusionment after the illusion has taken place, not bringing me back to the moment of here, in the physical reality, but deeper into my mind, and my systems running this mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself, for not going out into this world and explore, and see what’s new out there, to live, and take each moment as it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be shy, to not want to speak up because I fear what their reaction may be, even thou I know that no one will “bite” or hurt me, by just speaking a few words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back from talking to strangers, because I fear they may not like me, or reject me, influencing my way of how I “think” about myself, whilst this is also a system within me, powered by me.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others may think of me, creating a reaction within me, where I would retract myself from speaking up, or being bold, in the moment as here and as now, to be able to just talk, and enjoy the conversation of a stranger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am only a computer (RPG) game/character, and that I am in a stationary position, only capable of doing what my “coding (Software)” tells me I can do.

Day 14 – Is this the Real Life or an RPG?

Is this world I’m born into a massive Role Playing Game (RPG) or is this the physical reality/real life (Something I haven’t realised within myself yet)? This question would pop up after I have had a random illusion within my mind, when seeing the world around me, seeing people doing their “thing”, being “themselves” and continuing with their everyday lives, like someone or something told them to do so.

In this moment (The illusion) I would experience a feeling where I would feel like nothing I see or observe in my environment is real, the people are not real, the objects and world around me is not real, nothing is REAL, but me – my mind/conscious.

The people I see, they seem to be Non-Player Characters (NPC) in this game I am playing. The objects around me are designed out of pixels, and 3D models with animations attached to them, with no one controlling these NPC’s but the story teller (The Narrator, who the fuck is this narrator, anyone?), I’d say the narrator is the systems running within each and everyone’s mind, telling them to do what and when. Systems created by themselves/parents/friends/environment etc.

After all of this, in the state of disillusionment, and after asking the question, I would go further and ask myself... if this life is an RPG (as my experience just now would suggest), why am I still sitting here in an office, or in my home, or at the mall doing nothing but the ordinary thing 95% of our population does? Why don’t I go out there and explore, why don’t I strike up a random-ass conversation with the one next to me like in an RPG, creating a new contact/friend/partner/companion, or go out in the wild and explore nature, or just do my own thing through expressing myself?

Why do I limit myself like this? Then I realise, at this moment I AM only an RPG character just like everyone else out there who I see doing their “own thing” each and every day. The difference is I am more like an NPC within this RPG. We as humans are programmed with limited software; we only have a few patterns and programs running within this software (the mind) to get us through life, without realising that we are not even living one day of our lives.

Within this ‘separation of reality’ experience I just had, I have to realise that this RPG (game) should be uninstalled", and be re-written within my life to be able for me (and everyone else) to LIVE each day, within each moment, as here and as now in the physical reality.

Be one and equal.

Next post - SF

Day 13 – Power Saving Mode, Part 3

When and as I see myself being bored within my environment, not knowing what to do with my time, I stop and I breathe. I realise that by being bored I am not in the moment, living, but instead waiting, waiting for things to happen instead of making it happen, within the breath as physical reality, here and now.

When and as I see myself being caught up within my own mind, I stop and I breathe, I realise that this is just a pattern where I want to conserve energy, which is not real, but a made up system, I realise that the mind is not real, and that I have to become aware of my physical reality, my body, and the breath.

When and as I see myself entering the “Power Saving Mode” that I have created for myself, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is a pattern, only a program, and through this understanding I can breathe within the moment, with the realisation that it is not real, and be in the physical reality that is here, now.

Whenever I see myself limiting myself through the thought of hunger, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is just a thought, created by me, and I can let go of the thought as I realise that the thought within itself is only a thought and the only limitation I have is to something that isn’t real, such as a thought in my mind.

When and as I see myself limiting my speech/communication skills through the thought of “power saving mode” I stop, and I breathe. I realise that I am not limited, I have the vocabulary, and communications skills needed, all I have to do is apply it within the moment, through taking a deep breath, and at exhaling point, start to talk, slow and clear, knowing what I have to say.

When and as I see myself limiting myself from being interactive with other people, I stop and I breathe. I realise that I have unlimited “energy” when I walk within the moment, as the physical reality as here and now, breathing within each and every step I take to initiate the interactive course of events.

I commit myself to breathe within each moment, as I have realised the point of boredom is not real, but only an act of procrastination of life itself.

I commit myself to live with no limits to the thoughts of hunger, to breathe through it till I get myself some food, and to be in the moment as the physical reality, running on no “energy” which can be limited, but living in the moment, the breath, the physical as here and now.

I commit myself to break through the barriers of limitation when it comes to speech and communicating effectively whilst being hungry, through breathing, and being in the moment as the physical reality.

I commit myself to accept the consequences that I have created within my past, to stand as one and equal towards it, to be able to change it from this moment on forward, through breathing and support myself with breath, in the physical reality of now. 

Day 12 – Power Saving Mode, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be bored, and not knowing what to do while waiting for my clients, instead of being in the moment observing my surroundings, and explore a little more, widening my perspective of the physical world around me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to observe, and explore the new place/location that I were in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be caught up within my own mind, not being able to escape because of the boredom, and the idea that I don’t have enough energy to be active, in the physical world around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run on an invisible power source created by me, thinking that I need to save energy otherwise I will run out, going into “Power Saving Mode” not enabling myself to live in the moment, as the breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be limited by the thought of being hungry, thinking I cannot operate because I have no “energy”, even after eating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my speech/communication skills through the thought of being locked up inside of my head, because I have a limited source of energy left.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my interactive-ness through thinking I have a limited power source, which will run out soon, instead of being in the moment, with my client in the physical reality in the moment of now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think the only thing I am capable of doing effectively while feeling weak, tired and drowsy is thinking, within my head, and not being able to be in the physical world outside of my head.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to accept the consequences that I have created throughout my childhood with no-lunch packed in to school, that I have not yet stand in oneness and equality within myself and the consequences to accept it as my own, and to move forward and change myself from this point on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make this state of living a normality for myself, to think this is how I should feel, and always will feel, not doing anything to change this point of view I have within myself.

Day 11 – Power Saving Mode

Today I was at a venue busy doing work with customers as usual, but the morning was extremely slow because nothing really happen, I was bored and didn’t know what to do with myself besides walking around, sitting everywhere I can find a seat, and do the usual things one does when board.

After a while, I was caught up within my own mind, and my own thoughts, started to think that I am in a “power saving mode”. Sometime later, my first customer pitched up, this is the time I usually spark and do my thing. But not today, getting me out of my mind, back into reality was a challenge, my communication skills were up to no good, and the way I worked with the people was just not acceptable. I was trapped within my mind and couldn’t reach out to the physical world.

I am still “trapped” within my own mind as I am writing now, finding it hard to speak, to be energetic, or to be social in any way, dealing with the world outside of my mind – being interactive with others. This has made me think a little more, as I’m only capable of doing this quite effectively at the precise moment.

Throughout the years I have limited myself in a way that I would think I’ll run out of energy if I use too much of it, like a laptop running on battery. I have done this through a pattern of thoughts which started at a young age, of not packing lunch to school. Meaning I would basically have to save energy because I won’t have food later in the day.

This made me think/feel that I can’t be active, because I don’t have energy through not eating, or, when I would feel like shit (drained/weak/drowsy) I would also keep myself inactive so that I won’t use to much of this “spare” energy and within this process I would trap myself within my own mind, not being able to get out even after I have eaten.

So basically this has become my normality within me, and who I am. I am in a constant “power saving mode” only sometimes I have the opportunity to be all active, not worrying about how much energy I am using and what the consequence will be, meaning being tired afterwards.

I would like to clear this point further - Next post SF

Day 10 - Procrastination, Part 3

When and as I see myself standing in separation, or resisting the procrastination, I stop and I breathe. I realise that, by resisting it, I am not as one and equal within myself and procrastination and thus cannot be equal with it, to be able to change what is being holding me back.

When and as I see myself limiting myself through time, thinking there will not be enough to do my writing, I stop and I breathe. I realise that by limiting myself because of the thought of not having enough time will only slow me down, and increase my chances to create more patterns, and take longer than 7 years to walk my process to freedom.

When and as I see myself rushing off with my work, or postponing it, with the pattern of procrastination within my mind, I stop and I breathe. I realise that by rushing my work will only create a second opportunity to do it, which will be time wasted, meaning I will not be efficient within my time management skills, and accurate as I should be while working.

When and as I see myself being controlled by this pattern, I stop and I breathe. I realise that being controlled by a pattern, takes away my freedom, and of course, controls me, meaning I can’t do what I would like to do, or want to do, hindering my process.

When and as I see myself to be limited by time, I stop and I breathe. I realise that by keeping time about what I do when and where, and how fast, will not make me do things faster, or more accurate, instead let go of the time, and do what I have to do, in the moment, as the breathe.

When and as I see myself giving power to my believe system about breakpoints within the flow of work, I stop and I breathe. I realise that by believing this, will only create bad results, and hinder me in the way I work, and in the flow of my work, not enabling me to be effective even if I were to be disturbed.  

I commit myself to stand as one and equal to procrastination which I have created within myself, to be able to change my ways.

I commit myself to live free from time, even within the usage of time, as I have to use time because it is an important factor in my life and the things I do.

I commit myself to work thoroughly through my work, without rushing it off, within the moment as the breath.

I commit myself to stop the pattern from accoutring when procrastination start, to stand up and do what I have to do, within the moment, as breath.

I commit myself to live freely within my time periods that I have created, to be able to start with work, even if I do know it will not be done after the specific time period.

 I commit myself to realise that its only a believe system, and when it appears within my mind, I breathe and within the moment of realisation I let it go.

Day 9 – Procrastination, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand in separation with procrastination, not allowing myself to stand within procrastination as self, as breathe, as one and equal with procrastination as it still exists within me, to be able to move forward and as self- direction for from this point on to be able to create change within myself as one and equal within the moment of each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate my writing for self, by limiting myself through the thought that there is not enough time to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play this pattern over and over, even thou I am conscious of it, and enjoying it by thinking stuff will get done, but in reality doesn’t get done, or if it’s been rushed off.

I forgive myself for that I have accepted and allowed myself to let this pattern control me, slow me down, and limiting my possibilities which will be able to be achievable through standing as one and equal with all and within myself and the breath of the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself by keeping up with time, instead of allowing myself to stop, to breathe, and to realise that I don’t have to be limited by time and that I will be able to complete my work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give power to the believe system within me, to believe that when something is being done, and there is a break point within the flow of time whilst this task is being done, that the task will not be done adequately or correctly.

Day 8 – Procrastination

Every day of the week I have duties to be done at a fixed point in time, otherwise if I don’t get it done, I will affect the flow of work for others, this is no problem for me - I do it on time. Where the problem with procrastination and I comes into action is when I have to write up my blog, or when I have other stuff to do for myself.

Now, for my procrastination and my personal duties - every time when it’s an hour to half an hour before these duties that I have to do, I will stall my own duties, they don’t have fixed points in time which it has to be done and it will not hinder any other people, but only myself, if it’s being postponed until the last minute, understand?

So, the pattern works as follow; I will think about writing my blog for the day, but its half past 3, where as my other duties starts at 4, then in my mind I will tell myself; “no, do it after your 4o’clock duties, 30 minutes will not be enough time to do the writing in, or it will affect my work of flow, hindering me”, but in reality it is more than enough time to do the writing. This happens again later the same day, after the duties, I start telling myself that I will do it after dinner, shower or whatever, and this is how the pattern continues.

Postponing my time by this pattern, usually have a consequence, where I might get very busy after all my duties are done and by that time, I still haven’t done my writing/blog which is in reality, quite late at night, where one will go again about it (Procrastinating) and say “I am to tired now, lets do it some other time” etc. This is only one of the examples. Another example might be where I have been postponing myself from learning how to play the piano for a whole month now. Will I ever get to learn how to play the piano, if I keep this procrastination up? No, it is time for change.

Day 7 – The Extraordinary Experience, Part 3

When and as I see myself creating new fixed points in time for new experiences or anything I want to attach emotions/feeling to which I can refer back later, I stop, I breathe and slow down the moment, to see the pattern playing out, and realising this is only a program, through this understanding I realise that it is an emotion/feeling which creates polarity within self, and I should not give my power/energy to this emotion/feeling, through it is not real.

When and as I see myself creating a storage place within my mind from the experience or event that is taking place, I stop, I breath, and slow down the moment to see the pattern playing out, and realise this is only a program, and through this understanding I realise that by following this pattern will have a negative effect within me, and I should not give my power towards creating this place within me for future references, so I stop and breath.

When and as I see myself living out past emotions and feelings about a similar event I stop and breathe. I realize that my participation within this pattern will hinder me within the moment and give me a setback effect of disillusionment.

When and as I see myself finding myself being bored with what I do, I stop, and breathe. I realise that by finding what I do uninteresting or boring im busy referring back to the past, and projecting into the future, meaning I am not here, and in the now.

When and as I see myself creating and extraordinary event within my life, as the moment/event took place, I stop and breathe. I realise by doing this, I will create an illusionary world wherein I will be able to live, but with setbacks, known as disillusionment.

When and as I see myself referencing my past and future, I stop and breathe. I realise that by referencing my past and future with the present will never allow me to enjoy myself with what I am doing, and always have a judgmental mind, with back chat.

When and as I see myself giving power to the pattern where I reference my past and future, to the present, I stop and breathe. I realise that by giving away my power to the system will only make it stronger and this make it more complex for me to release myself from this pattern.

When and as I see myself living in separation with myself, and the reality of now, by being in the past, I stop and breathe. I realise that by being separated with myself and the reality creates an illusion where in I live, where I can never be in the moment, or be able to stand as one and equal.

 Commitments

I commit myself to release these fixed points through realising that I am the creator of these emotions/feeling and that I should not give my power to it, to be able to screw me over later in time.

I commit myself to release the pattern through breathing, and to realise it is only a program.

I commit myself to embrace the emotions and feelings, and to walk them through as one and equal, to experience it at full, to be able to let go, as one, as equal.

I commit myself to live in the moment of now, through breathing in everything I do, to be able to do it at my utmost potential.

I commit myself to live in oneness and equality to accept the reality as it is in this moment of time, in the present, to realise the past is long gone and that I live there no more, but only here and now.

Day 6 – The Extraordinary Experience, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a fixed point in my own timeline, where I see it as an first experience, creating and attaching enormous amounts of emotions and feelings toward the memory, hindering my experience of anything new that my come along.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a place within my mind where I store all these first time memories, which I can easily recall and enjoy for a moment, just to be followed-up by a setback of negative emotions, and the realisation of the reality that is no more, the reality which is the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live these moments/memories of the past out in every new game or event within my live that can be referenced back to my first experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find everything I do uninteresting or boring, because I have a view of the past, which gives me a projection of a possible future, spoiling the moment of now, the present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create extraordinary events within my life, especially if it’s a first experience, creating a polarity effect where I compare the first event’s experience with the second, taking away my enjoyment, the moment, and the breath of the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in the past/future where I compare and reference the experience, taking away the possibility of living my utmost potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give power to this pattern that follows, when I do something I enjoy, but then spoils it by referencing it to the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in separation with myself and the reality of now, by living in the past, in my ‘good old memories’ place within my own mind.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am in the present, here and now, and that the past is long gone, and that I have to accept for what my reality is now, for what is here in the breath.

Day 5 – The Extraordinary Experience

First experience, very common but extraordinary, is it not? Your mind see it as extraordinary, because there is something new that you have experienced, can live out, explore, something else you can be – for example my very first time I played a computer game. It was mind blowing, I could not believe what I was experiencing, how wonderful and awesome it was, to run around in an artificial world shooting other people, or building my very own war base to conquer my greatest enemy, or to constructing my own city and be the ruler of all, or my favorite type of game… Where I can run around defeat creatures and explore the world that was created for me.

But, what happens after the second or third time experiencing these cool types of games these “new extraordinary experiences”? It starts to faint, and become normal. You get used to it, it seems to be very ordinary, and you get bored with it. Now you realize there’s something missing and you want to go out in the world and find more and more of these games to play to fill this ‘gap’ or ‘hole’ you have created by not being satisfied with what you have, and had experienced. You keep on remembering the first time, how awesome it was, but it seems that this effect just isn’t there anymore, with a horrible fallback, of sadness and emptiness, remembering only the good old times...

This is the point I want to make, with everything in life it works like this, and through this process of ‘how my mind was programmed to perceive it’ I have fucked myself. I find no interest in anything I do, or want to do because I know how it will end, in just another daily activity, or interest being repeated with a sad memory of the very first time where it was so new, so extraordinary to me, and referencing it to where I am now, and it just doesn’t feel the same anymore.

Now the pattern works as follow: Through recalling memories from the past, from your first experiences if it was an extraordinary experience, with the emotions and feelings attached to the memory it is taking away the moment of now, of living in the present. It takes away all of the new possibilities, the new experience, the new extraordinary, the PRESENT of now.

This is where the first principle of what I live by comes into action - Realising and living my utmost potential to realise that this is all just programs/patterns imprinted into my mind, with some feelings and emotions attached to it and to work through it by writing myself to freedom, and while doing so, to live out my utmost potential in every moment of breath even if it is through playing computer games.

Extraordinary Dictionary Definition - Beyond what is ordinary or usual: Highly unusual or exceptional or remarkable

Imprint Dictionary definition - We imprint our ideas onto our children