Day 20 – Uncertainty

How I have found out about my uncertainty (In terms of speaking out loud) was actually through being certain within my words, and the concept of what I was trying to portray while I was speaking with my brother and a friend the other night.

It was a moment where I could talk with no struggle, I had the words laid out in my mind, I could see them, I could feel them, and best of all I could express these words out loud with certainty, knowing what I was about to say and exactly how and in what order.

After the moment had passed I could not believe myself, this was true I had no struggle as I usually have while trying to explain something to someone. I actually aced this conversation and the explanation. I was cool after it all, phew, so don’t worry about a scene of some nervous clumsy guy getting excited about an accomplishment.

BUT, this opened up a whole new challenge for me; within my whole life that I have lived thus far I have always had a struggle with the explanation of something when putting it into words, or just talking for this matter. I have always struggled to speak out loud without being nervous, or rushing off with my sentence just to get it out and done with, instead of relaxing, and enjoying the moment of where I can talk, and tell someone more about me, or the experience I had, or just find out more about the person I am speaking with. Everything was done through a struggle, and this struggle was because I was uncertain of what I wanted to say, or how to say it, or did not know the facts so well to speak it out loud, explaining it to someone else with confidence.

This was me, since always. The only time I can remember where I was able to speak out of certainty, or with confidence was at my old job, where I was the only graphic designer, and through working with designs and the programs, I had to be certain of myself and what I was busy with doing, so whenever someone had something to say/ask, I could explain with confidence, but anything out of the graphic design region, would made me struggle, be uncertain and nervous.

So, I take on the challenge, to be certain with what I want to say/explain/express or whatsoever, even if it contains facts, or vaguely events I can’t remember too well, I will be certain with the words I know and how to speak them. I will assist myself through this challenge by breathing, to slow myself down in the moment, to see the words that I want speak out loud, to feel the words and to express myself within these words, for the words that I am about to speak is mine, as my living expression within the physical reality of here and now.