Day 95 - Sum 41, Part 3

When and as I see myself longing back to my past, and feel that a part of me is missing, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is an memory of the past and only attachments of the past and that these attachments will only hinder me from living in the present to my fullest utmost potential.

So I commit myself to let go of this memory of who I was in the past, and to allow myself to live within the moment of what is here, in the physical reality.

When and as I see myself feeling lost within myself, that there is no one in control of my life, not even me, then I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is a situation where I am not the directing principle within my life, and by not being the one directing myself, I will be lost and not knowing what to do.

So I commit myself to as and when I see this point arise, that I then breathe, to create stability within myself, to be focused on self, and then from that point on directing myself, to be the directing principle of my life.

When and as I see myself being trapped, and not as "free" as I used to be as a child, I stop and I breathe, I realise that I am still free, I am not bound to anything, and to see that I am the one in control.

So i commit myself to accept my reality for what it is, and to stop lingering on the past and how things were, and in this instance of realisastion to allow myself to let go of the past and the attachments/ideas I have of it, so that I can live here, in the breathe.

When and as I see myself wanting to revert to my past self, and not accepting my present self, and encourage change from what is here, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this will only create conflict within myself of where I feel that I am not myself, and thus then trying to go back into the past.

So I commit and allow myself to let go of this idea of who I was in the past, and to let go of the person I was in the past, and to instead accept the person for who I am now, and from that point on, within taking self-responsibility change and adjust myself to be the utmost of what I can be.

When and as I see myself dwelling on these songs and the memories of what they bring to me, just to be able to get fix of emotions and attachments, i stop and I breathe, i realise that this will only bring me sadness, and desires of my past and feelings of wanting to go back.

So I commit and allow myself to let go of these attachments and emotions when and as I am listening to these songs, to be able to enjoy the music for what it is, and not for the "fix" of emotions and feelings.

When and as I see myself giving away my power to the emotions and feelings, to such an extend that it "controls" me, I stop and I breathe, I realise that power I give away to these things actually have an physical effect on my body, and its impacting me in a negative way, weakwning my posture.

Also, when and as i see myself giving away my power to these emotions and feeling, I am also letting it (myself) manipulate my environment, and possible others, to show them my "pain" so that they should be "easy" on me, or whatsoever.

So I commit and allow myself to realise that I am the one in control, and thus not giving my power away to these feelings and emotions of my past and how "perfect" it seemed to be, and to allow myself to breathe, to be here, and to be in the physical as life.

When and as I see myself creating comfort within the idea of having lots of money, i stop and I breathe, I realise that money should not be my main focus point of being free, but rather be a tool that can be used to give me freedom to move within place in this world.

So I commit myself to let go of the idea of having lots of money to feel free, and instead start living my life in a sense of where I practice what I preach, which is being free, from inner conflicts and fears.

When and as I see myself taking comfort in the idea of I can always just rely on my parents for support, I stop and I breathe, I realise that by living by this concept i will not only just disable myself from mopving forward, but I will also hinder myself into becoming the greatest, bestest person as I can be, a person that I ought to be, because of this Idea that my parents will always be there to take care and support me.

So i commit myself to let go of this idea, to realise and see that I have to move myself, direct myself and take responsibility for myself to be able to move forward and change the lives of not just everyone I get in contact with, but also my own, in a manner that is best for all.

So again, I commit myself to let go of my past memories of a comforting home, of parents caring, of money always being there for my survival, and start realising that I should be creating my own environment and space, with all of these comforts, but also in the same breathe, be free of it, with no attachments.

 I commit myself to be here, to be aware, to be in the physical reality, in my body, and as my body, within each and every breath I take.

Day 94 - Sum 41, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that the person who I am, or my essence of whom I were in the past is missing, that the person or something behind my thoughts that made me who i am, were no longer there anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lost without that feeling of having something in the behind of my every thought and decision, that presence of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as a changed person that is not free anymore because of what happened in my past, and that all these things play a big role in who and what I am today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to go back to that person of who I were back then, and not accept and embrace myself for who I am now, as in the here, in the physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dwell on these emotions and feelings when and as I hear the songs of my bands that I like listening to, or that I used to listen to, and to allow myself to continue down the path of emotions even after I have realised my flag point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my thoughts and feelings control me, in the sense of how I carry myself, how i speak and listen and communicate with other, to try and show them my "pain" in a very indirect way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been controlled by these thoughts and emotions, by the way of how I am reacting to certain photo's, messages, or conversation with other people that I see or interact with.

I forgive ymself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to go back to my childhood memory and not let go of it, which hinders my movement within the physical reality I life within now, and thus also effecting my experience that I have within the moment of here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create attachments and warm comforting memories of my past with these songs that I have listened to when I was younger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was in a world of freedom at that age, to think that I am capable of anything and everything without any consequences, because I am protected by my parent, and by money.

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find comfort in money, to believe with money i will be set free of everything that is a bother to me, to believe that money will  give me my happiness and freedom, and everything I wish for.

I also forigve myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find comfort within the idea of my mother/father will always be there to protect me and give me lead/direction within life, and that I see them as a safety net for whenever I fail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not wanting to take self-responsibility and direction for myself, and be able to be okay with what I do, even if it does turn out in a scenario of which I will need my parents as a safety net.

Day 93 – Sum 41

I believe I have discovered one of the biggest things that is holding me back, or it feels that way.

I have always loved listening to blink 182, Sum 41, +44, Angels & Airwaves, Linkin Park and a lot more... But for some reason I have kept on listening to all of them except Sum 41, and today I had a listen to this awesome band again, while doing my SF on my previous blog.

While the first song played, I got this massive feeling of (insert word here, my English Vocabulary is failing me again, damn. Maybe Longing?), but while having this feeling I went back into memory lane. Which mean it’s a trigger point for me about past event/attachments.

 While thinking back into the past I realised what this feeling was – felt like my whole body and mind are “missing”, meaning the person I was back then. At first I couldn’t get to the point, so I decided to dig in deeper, to get this point out, and deal with it. If I don’t then I’ll always be stuck in the past and wish I was there, and not here, meaning I am living in a reality that doesn’t exists.

With all of these attachment, I obviously have consequences that follow. Wherein all my thoughts wanders in my unconscious and subconscious, which in return will manifest into the way I carry myself, the way I present myself, in what I do and how I do it. Also my mind patterns that influences my experience with the world, what controls my thought and how I act and react to trigger points if I am not aware at any given moment in time.

So it comes down again to… childhood. I have listened to the kind of music (Punk/rock) since I’ve been small probably 12, and from that age and up I have accumulated memories on these songs, memories of the good, of the bad, the relaxed, the angry and sad, plus many more. But I always chose to remember the good, the times where I had my “freedom”, “responsible free”, and “I have all the time in the word” memories. Playing games, hanging out with friends, have a girlfriend every now and then, everything was abundant. Meaning in past I knew in my mind that we were financially stable, well off, and I would have a good future because my parents would provide me that – see how wealthy people always seem to get everything they want, that is the idea here – so what I have now, I will always have, the good life.

Seeing later that at the time where I reached High School my brother went to University, obviously I assumed that would be my direction and I will just slide into the big word, with everything in order, where I can just build upon that.

This is the life I knew, and had – privileged. This was all connected to these songs I usually listened to and the memories I kept up until this day. But it never turned out that way. So my mind kept on shooting out in that direction, while my reality moved out in the total opposite direction.

Which will lead to the following: A few years later, 2007/8, some shit happened, recession. Also some other external factors played a big role in which created financial instability with the business that my family ran, and everything basically started to change, slowly.

Now that is basically where everything went kind of downhill, and knowing my past, I never worked hard in school, I got my 60% without studying, implying I am intelligent, but am I? With South African Public schools I highly doubt it. But that is not the point, my point is I never really knew how to work hard, I either got everything I wanted or I didn’t. Which is sad, because some people would turn the world upside down just to get what they want, with hard work and some evilness in between?

So with this in mind (all of the above), I did get the chance to go to University, as I was a teenager, the University I attended… was not the one I had planned for… Which created conflict within myself, and added to this conflict I never knew what it meant to actually study, or work hard and get what I want. I dropped out. Gave up on my dream of becoming a mechanical/electrical Engineer or to say electromechanical engineer and thus I ended up studying Graphic and Web Design. Bringing me to the point of where I am today, and listening to old music, realising and seeing my life already, not going accordingly to plan.

When I do listening all these things pop up in some form in my head or in my gut, and it do create unease within myself, tension, regret, and some blame for what happened and didn’t happen. All the while I actually still love listening to the music – for the music…

So, here I have an opportunity to correct myself, chase a newly created goal among many other (not dreams, for I am not sleeping), and clearing myself up from this “baggage” that’s holding me back.

J 

Day 92 – Unsafe, Part 3

When and as I see myself feeling unsafe because of freedom of choice I have within my occupation I stop and I breathe. I realise that this feeling of being unsafe is just because I am not directing self, and taking on the responsibility,

When and as I see myself feeling overwhelmed due to freedom of choice, I stop and I breathe, I realise that I am just displaced within myself, and that I need to re-align my direction and responsibility and thus I commit and allow myself within the moment of the feeling to inhale, make the decision within myself to move myself forward with self-direction and responsibility.

When and as I see myself going into self-doubt and due to the doubt that I will not be moving forward within myself and my occupation, so I stop and I breathe, to see and assess the situation and to allow myself to not doubt but instead go ahead, and make my choice, and even if they are wrong or not the best, this is how I will learn, and gain experience.

When and as I see myself having triggered and activate the point for a train of thoughts to run through my mind by thinking that I am unsafe, I stop and I breathe, I concentrate on my body, fingers and toes, to get my focus off of the thoughts, and get my sense of direction in order. Thus commit myself to focus on the physical, at what is here, in the word that I can see in front of me, and what I need to do next.

When and as I see myself feeling that I will be safe within the system as having a job, working under a boss, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is just an illusion and that it is actually not as safe as I make myself believe it to be. Thus I commit myself to let go of this believe within myself by realising that I am in control of my reality and what I do within it, thus realising that I am here, in the physical moving myself and my word accordingly to what I need to achieve.

When and as I see myself following within the footsteps of acting and living as if I am a person that is just employed and not realising that I am actually running a business, I stop and I breathe, to realise that I am limiting myself in the aspect of standing firm within my word and my deed, not allowing myself to go out into the business world and speak my word with meaning. I commit and allow myself to take in this responsibility as self, and direct myself within each and every moment that I am walking within my shoes to give it my all, and to live my words that I speak – to be able to reach my true potential within what I am capable of in this point in time.

When and as I see myself feeling or believing that I am incompetent because I have struggles with communicating with ease, I stop and I breathe, I realise that this is a point that will hinder me further in life, and if I do not start using the tools that is being proved to improve myself with, I will keep on having this pattern of feeling incompetent, doubt and fear within myself when speaking to others – again hindering my business and myself from reaching my potentials. I commit and allow myself to when and as I speak, meaning communicating, with other people that the words I use is mine, that I am certain of them, that I understand my own words, and that I speak it off my chest, from within – to feel the flow within body, my chest, to my first instance of opening my mouth as the word is leaving my mouth onto the person I am in contact with, to be sure that I am directing myself, my words, my world – thus self-directing within communicating.

When and as I see myself wanting to be untruthful towards myself, and wanting to settle for less, I stop and I realise that this is not what is best for all, by limiting my myself I am limiting the world, for I have something to offer – as do all – as so I have to play my role, so I commit and allow myself to eradicate this pattern of thoughts by stabilising my body in the physical, first with a breath inhaling-exhaling and be here, to then focus on my reality and my body – finger tips and toes – and from that moment on, implement self-direction and responsibility.

Day 91 – Unsafe, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unsafe in my field of work due to all the free choice I have in the decisions I am making, and that I am the only one responsible for every decision I make.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that the free choice within my working field is overwhelming, and that I find it still strange, instead of embracing it, and walk with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that freedom is too much of a responsibility, for if no one controls me, then anything can basically happen, either stand still in whatever I do, or move forward and reach my goals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself, and to think by having this freedom I will stand still and not move myself in the direction I want to go in, and thus fail horribly within life – meaning not make a success of my goals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to over think this taking-a-day-off concept, and instead, before do take a day of, I assess my business and work accordingly to make sure I am not hindering myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to activate the train of thoughts through allowing it to rumble off in my mind directly after I have had this particular thought – About feeling unsafe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the illusion of feeling safe within the system, as having a job, and getting paid a rigid amount of money every month, being a slave.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the realm of wanting to be employed, and having the mind-set of a person that just wants a job, and not a business.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within my business to want to refer to it as an job, a vocation, and not admit to myself that I am actually running a business, thus hindering my movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect my business in the sense of not accepting it as mine, not accepting myself to be in the position of being able to run a business.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am incompetent within this line of work, for I believe myself to be a person that has no communication skills, and instead to realise that a person can learn new ways, very easily.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be untruthful, and take time off while I have to work, going into the pretend stage of working...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to settle for less, meaning not working to reach my true full potential of what I am capable of doing.

Day 90 - Unsafe

Capturing a thought in mid-air, always fascinating.

That thought would be that I feel unsafe within what I do for a living, meaning my occupation. I find this all too strange still, working on my own time, making my own decisions, where I have to implement self-direction and responsibility. Thus, through doing all of this, I will be the one who decides how much I will be earning at the end of a month, and how far I will be driving myself to do better.

Now that is all linked to this one thought - Being unsafe. Why I feel unsafe within this is because if one day in the month I decide not to do any of this, then I’ll bear the consequences of my actions.  It is so easy to say today I am taking a day off, or not even taking a day off but acting as if I am working while actually doing nothing, expecting myself to move forward with such an attitude. Whereas this creates the thought of where I would think I am unsafe.

So after this particular thought, I’d have a follow-up of other thoughts where my mind will think of a different situation where I will actually feel safe within, for example working for a boss, being the employee. Where I know whatever I do, my salary at the end of the month will stay the same, so it is then basically “safe” to take a day off, while at work, meaning acting as if you are working whilst not, but still getting paid. A mind fuck, yes.

So, I’ll be looking into this for the next few days, and set myself free from this illusion that I am unsafe, and just realise that self-direction is not only in your business world that needs to be applied, but also in everyday life.

Just for the record, being an employee doesn’t necessarily make you safe…

J 

Day 89 - Discipline

Let us define the word discipline; develop behaviour by instruction and practice; especially to teach self-control. 

Simply said; it is to make up your bed in the morning without your mother telling you to do so.

It is that self-movement behind your decisions, meaning if today you decide to start jogging every morning at 6am, then you need the discipline to wake up at 6am every day. Get dressed and go jogging.

What do I mean by the self-movement behind your decisions? Well this is that little person in your head, that’s not really there because it is you, your essence, that makes a decision so you can actually make a decision – meaning practically living it and following through on it, otherwise known as a useless thought that is just bugging you for it shows you your lack of discipline.

How many times in your life have you ever had those late-night-bed-time-thoughts? Where you wake up the next morning with nothing changed, but in your mind the previous night you were so motivated and ready to take on the world, to be a better person, to help others, to achieve your dreams, but, just nothing the following day. That happens because you were only in your mind, instead of sleeping, to where you can wake up the next day, be disciplined toward yourself, and actually do these things you did not think about, and change your world.

You learn this new way of discipline by starting small, setting up a task for yourself to do every day for the next 3 to 4 weeks, for instance, looking at myself, I started with making up my bed, I succeeded. After this small task you’ll start to see, hey I can do it, and so you start with your second small task, let’s say you never ate breakfast in the morning, so now, again, start small. Eat a light meal every morning, get that metabolism working.

After this, you’ll get that realisation again, again! You’ll see that you can do anything that is possible, in the physical, as here, as YOU, as YOU are making these decision now, making (creating) that self-movement, and so apply it in you practical everyday life. This new sense of discipline obviously requires you to take small steps - as one will not jump into the middle of the ocean not knowing how to swim yet. So, Instead of losing hours of sleep thinking about motivational shit, and not gaining anything from it, except for disappointment the day after, go to sleep, get your rest in and get your discipline in order.

Day 88 - Not filling the shoes, Part 3

When and as I see myself being triggered into a rush of thoughts due to the fact that I am in a group of people, I stop and I breathe, I realise that I have stumbled upon a flag point, and that I have to ground myself within the physical reality, by focusing on my body and my movement to be here, through breathing, so I can slow down and see my change in my own movement and correct it.

When and as I see myself acting as a grown-up, and instead of just being myself I stop, I breathe. I realise that I am now just pretending to be something I am not, and by realising this I can drop the act and be self-directive instead, directing my movement, my words and my whole being.

When and as I see myself feeling small and weak, not being able to “fill the shoes” I stop and I breathe, I realise that this is just an experience because of thoughts that I am having/participating within, and by seeing this I can stop these thoughts, let them go, and take on the self-responsibility and self-direction and move myself forwards into these “shoes” and fill them.

When and as I see myself doubting myself in the case of taking on a responsibility I stop and I breathe, I realise that by the mere fact of doubt that I have within myself will hinder my ability to deliver the task at hand successfully, so within this realisation I can let go of the doubt, and start trusting myself that I will be able to do the task at hand.

When and as I see myself relying on my appearance to make an “big and bold” first impression I stop and I breathe, I realise that this “big and bold” appearance is not just defined by looks, but also by the words spoken and the actions performed by an individual, thus by moving myself within the moment as the physical, self-direction, I will already generate the effect need to “impress” clients, and get the job done.

I commit myself to move within the physical, as breathe, by being here, have my attention out of mind, and in the physical to control my reality and move it toward my set goal.

I commit myself to let go of any doubt I might experience within myself due to thoughts, and allow myself to be here, to support myself by bringing my attention to the physical reality by focusing on my what is here, to implement this I can start focusing on my fingers and toes, expanding my awareness over my whole body.

I commit myself to walk my path of live within the principle of self-direction and self-responsibility, where as any challenges I may find to take them on and move myself to pass the challenge and grow, to “fill” the “shoes” that is needed to be “filled”. 

Day 87 - Not filling the shoes, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be triggered into these thoughts and feelings through thinking about “how I am supposed to be” when and around other people, giving me a rush of thoughts on how I am supposed to be when around other people (or grown-ups) and then acting accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by this reaction/trigger point that I actually change my behaviour, start “acting” grown up, and in the same time hitting some nerves which sometimes make me feel like I can’t fill the shoes, or that I am going to lose myself within them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be smaller than this world, to believe that I need to be big to be able to fill myself with the world, and because of this thought/experience, I feel that I can’t fill the shoes, and take self-responsibility and direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create doubt within myself because of this experience, and through having this doubt not allowing myself to move myself forward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I need to be a grown-up to be able to do what “grown-up” people do, instead just be myself, obviously according to where I am, for instance a meet – be professional.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need decades of experience, just to show someone a better way at doing things – learning – and not trust myself where I can actually just show them with real time proof.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do not appear as a strong/bold person, due to my past experiences, thus define myself as weak, and life up to this experience, whereas I can easily recreate the image I need in an instance – in the physical as here.

Day 86 - Not filling the shoes

So, here I am again same point as in realisation of self, in some degree. This time I am still in the third person view of my life and my reality. Here the problem start with me having to act and be grown up, filling the shoes of responsibility. Meaning with my work I have to do, and all my other random things in my life, for instance taking self-direction and self-responsibility to build my life, and create my life for what I want and need out of it to live and be free!

Here I experience this feeling of having shoes, massive in size, and I have to step into them. As I do, I feel like my substance of my existence, everything within me, myself, are just not enough to fill these shoes. How does a child fill them all up with such a small body/substance? Even though I am 23 years old (In a few days) I still feel like a kid, a child. A person who should not yet take on such responsibilities of life, controlling and taking direction of self with, steering the ship of life through the crackling storm that life has to offer. How does grown-ups do this, what or who is a grown up? I am an adult, does that make me a grown up? What am I? Why can’t I fill these shoes to take on life as I am supposed to?

How do I walk up to someone 20 years older than me, talk to them as if I have the knowledge/experience of the world, and offering them something beneficial for their family, and taking the responsibility of their children’s future for that short time I spend with them into my hands?

How to appear strong and bold, be the authority in a sense that is not offensive, but instead be directive? How to fill these shoes, if it feels like I am a 10 year old kid still? 

Day 85 – Realisation of self, Part 3

When and as I see myself not living in wholeness within myself but in separation I stop and I breathe. I realise that by living in such condition will only create conflict within myself and my self-acceptance., so as and when I see this appearance within myself I stop, I take a breath, and I direct myself in the physical to ground myself within acceptance of self.

When and as I see myself not accepting my patterns and beliefs as my own, I stop and I breathe, I realise by not accepting my creations as my own, I am only living in conflict within myself, and by this will create resistance whereas I will not be able to change myself effectively that is best for me and for all.

When and as I see myself comparing my reality and what I do in my reality with those of others, I stop and I breathe, I realise that by comparing realities will not give me the solutions or motivations required to be able to move myself, and this comparison will only create conflict and envy within myself.

When and as I see myself accepting and allowing myself to accept the ideas of others, that in return will define me, I stop and I realise that these ideas that others have of me, does not determine who I am nor does it define me for what a kind of person I am.

When and as I see myself falling into the realm of automation within myself, and not being in self-direction and responsibility I stop and I breathe, I take a deep breath in, and out, to ground myself as here in the physical, and take on the challenge of self-responsibility and direction to move myself forward.

When and as I see myself believing I am who I am within these patterns that I exists off, and that these patterns needs to be enhanced to increase or better my living experience, I stop and I breathe to realise that this is in fact not who or what I am, or need to enhance myself, thus I should stop myself, and bring myself to the physical, as here.

I commit and allow myself as who and what I am in this particular moment in time, to accept all my creations within my mind, to walk within these pattern, see the flaws, and by seeing/realising these flaws, then accordingly change/apply corrective application as applicable to become a being of life, as a living expression.

I commit and allow myself to be here, in the physical, be awareness, be life, to live my utmost potential for what is best for all.

Day 84 - Realisation of self, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to life in separation with myself and not accepting myself for who and what I am when I am communicating with people, to not accept these “specific” patterns as my own and who I am in that particular moment of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this is the pattern that makes me for who I am and that only when this pattern of self and communication shows, only then am I myself, in my element as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live my life as a third person viewer, believing that things will happen in my life automatically, by just observing instead of actually being here in the physical and directing my own life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself with other people to see how they are moving and I am not, and by doing this feels like life is just passing by me with no interesting things happening.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let other people define me for who I am by pointing out these moments where I am on my best, and by that acting out my life as who I am instead of actually be myself, whoever that may be without these patterns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a person that is not in direct control within my own life, that I am not the sole person walking in the moment of here in the physical and as self-direction and self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I haven’t yet accepted and allowed myself to accept myself  and all my patterns and creations of who I am as truly mine, and from that point on forward be able to stand as myself, and change where change is needed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am who I am because of these specific patterns and that I should always keep them and improve on them to enhance my experience as who I am, instead of just walking in the physical as here.

I forgive myself that I have not yet accepted and allowed myself to accept my patterns/believes as my equal, that I am them as they are me, to be able to change them without resistance.

Day 83 – Realisation of self

Have you ever had a moment in time where you just randomly think back and reflect on your life, and saw this clear image of yourself interacting with a person and where they’d point out a very peculiar trait or signature of you, yourself and who you are in those certain moments, for an type of phrase or pattern that you have just used that is “unique” to only you?

I have experience this today for the first time, and within this I have realise that with these patterns that I use to communicate with and how I interact with people are actually who I am. Within this weird realisation, I obviously realised that it is me, my trait, my pattern and no one else’s and that I have never in my life before really accepted it as my own. I have always played in this body of mine, since I have been a child, as if I am in third person view. That I can look at the world through someone’s eyes that is not mine, but actually is. Meaning always looking at everything around me happening, seeing people moving forward and creating life for themselves while I am just sitting here waiting for my life to start happening, doing so in the third person view.

So within this realisation I have seen that the times that I have reflected on just now, where people would point out “me”, I have been playing in that short instance of my life as a first person, for I was directing and controlling myself, for I was in my “element” and accepted in that moment myself for who I am and moved myself, and enjoyed each and every second of it, for I was here. But these moments are so rare. That is how I had this realisation, through seeing this point I can now start moving myself within these patterns and motions, accepting them as mine and that I have created them, I am responsible for each and every action I take.

And through doing so, accepting all these things as mine, and purely by doing so, only then can I start changing myself to where I can live out my utmost potential where I am me for who I am and not just a pattern playing out thinking I am me.

Obviously through using the tools that I have acquired, changing my patterns and believes to life in self-direction and self-responsibility. 

Day 82 - Forgotten Skills, Part 3

When and as I see myself feeling embarrassed due to some thoughts I have I stop and I breath, to realise the pattern that I have created and in this instant stop myself, breath, and let go of the thought pattern to realise that I don’t have/need to be affected by who ever is observing me, nor by their thoughts which I am not even aware of.

When and as I see myself feeling deprived from physical work with my hands, whilst reading a book, or just by occupying myself with something other than working with my hands, I stop and I breathe, I realise that this is a trigger point for the emotion, and in the moment stop myself from participating within it, as it will only bring me an empty feeling within myself, which is hindering my experience of the physical reality

I commit and allowed myself to explore and allow myself to experiment with my broken electronics to find out more about them and enjoying myself within the process.

I commit and allow myself to realise that this is something I am good at and don’t have to feel embarrassed by it, for this is an expression of myself which I like to explore and find out more about the world out there.

I commit and allow myself to do these things within the moment of breath, to realise that I am the responsibility of myself and my action and that I am the controller of my world, and what I do to explore the world with is in my hand and my expression.

I commit and allowed myself to live within the physical reality of here, within each and every breath, to be able to live out my fullest, utmost potential without limitations.

Day 81 - Forgotten Skills, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel deprived from my physical reality through not working with my hands by comparing the physical reality of here with that of my past, and realising I have not done anything with my hands to create or to take apart some form of object.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to tinker with electronics to feel whole, and not be lost within space and time by not doing it, thus be limited in my reality to experience and live within the physical of here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed about taking on an activity that was long forgotten, to feel that this activity was for a child only to experiment with and not a grown man.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect an idea of my childhood towards one in my present and through this idea create a believe that it is only for children to tinker and explore broken electronics, and through me doing such thing at a time where I am a grown man, I felt embarrassed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience such embarrassment through knowing that someone observed me in this instance and due the thought process that they are going through are influencing me, even though I don’t know what they are thinking, but assuming what they are thinking and by this creating the experience of embarrassment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never again touch any broken electronics due to this experience that I have undergo, and thus “deprive” myself from working with my hands, creating a desire which I could not fulfill.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall victim for having a desire which I can’t fulfill due to a past experience that I have created/generated in my own mind, without realising the effects which would follow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I would have flourished within this field of work just because of this interest I had within me for taking apart things and exploring it.

Day 80 – Forgotten Skills

I feel deprived of the physical reality through not working with my hands, physically. I remember from when I was a child, very young, I used to love taking electronics and tinker with them, taking them apart, putting them back together, investigating it and to find out how it worked. This was the greatest experience that I can remember from myself, exploring the technological world.

I was not fascinated by nature, animals, or other humans beings and on how they all worked, but by what they(humans) have created with their intellectual properties that enhances them, in living within this words with nature, animals and other humans. I always wanted to know what make things tick, that is the reason for why I took everything apart.

I later on stopped doing this for some odd reason which I do not know why, it just stopped. Maybe it’s because there was no more random electronics laying around to take apart, and then when I found it I would horde it for some time until I realise I am not going to do anything with it and then just chuck it into the garbage bin.

Even that stopped, where I just didn’t do anything with any broken electronics anymore – except for once when I did take something that was broke to be stripped. But this time I was a grown man, where as I almost felt embarrassed for wanting to do this. Felt like I had to hide this side of me where I want to explore this broken thing (it was a broken LCD Monitor). Since then I have just never touched anything again because of this experience.

And now, today as I sit here – reading books about inventors and scientists that has so many things to do and to achieve in life, I realise that this one point within me where I would flourished if I were to choose it as a career choice, have I killed and smothered in my process of growing up, of just not doing it anymore.

Why I also say this is because, no matter where I am people always asks me to fix their broken stuff for some reason they believe I can, or have the magical touch to make something work, and by surprise it will work after I am done with it – why have I not yet pursued this part or skill that I have within my life yet? This has come to bother me, and this is a point to be express and realised to be able for me to work on it again, to change my ways into that of which I am good at.

Day 79 – Childhood Memories, Part 3

When and as I see myself thinking back into my past just to experience it again, I stop and realise that by doing this action I am only hindering myself through a ride full of feelings instead of doing something more productive, by working, or focusing on what is necessary with self-direction and being here in the physical reality.

When and as I see myself wishing for the time of my childhood I stop and I breathe, I realise that this is just a pattern and an “addiction” for me to linger on these memories as they are fun, but at the same time sad and unnecessary, for it stops me from being here in the reality as it is here.

When and as I see myself attaching feelings towards these memories I stop and I breathe, I realise that this will have an compound effect on my memories and make each time just more saddening when I realise that I am not there anymore, I am a grown man now.

I commit and allow myself to be here in the physical reality as it is, as it presents itself, and to allow myself to live this life with self-direction and responsibility.

I commit and allow myself to accept the fact that my past is my past, it is non-existing, and that I will never be able to go back there, and through accepting this, I commit and allow myself to let go of these memories and the attachments that I have created with them.

I commit and allow myself to be here, in the reality as a grown man, to live in line with “time” and not to distort my reality with my past, so that I may be able to live my life to my utmost potential