Day 91 – Unsafe, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unsafe in my field of work due to all the free choice I have in the decisions I am making, and that I am the only one responsible for every decision I make.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that the free choice within my working field is overwhelming, and that I find it still strange, instead of embracing it, and walk with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that freedom is too much of a responsibility, for if no one controls me, then anything can basically happen, either stand still in whatever I do, or move forward and reach my goals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself, and to think by having this freedom I will stand still and not move myself in the direction I want to go in, and thus fail horribly within life – meaning not make a success of my goals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to over think this taking-a-day-off concept, and instead, before do take a day of, I assess my business and work accordingly to make sure I am not hindering myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to activate the train of thoughts through allowing it to rumble off in my mind directly after I have had this particular thought – About feeling unsafe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the illusion of feeling safe within the system, as having a job, and getting paid a rigid amount of money every month, being a slave.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the realm of wanting to be employed, and having the mind-set of a person that just wants a job, and not a business.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within my business to want to refer to it as an job, a vocation, and not admit to myself that I am actually running a business, thus hindering my movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect my business in the sense of not accepting it as mine, not accepting myself to be in the position of being able to run a business.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am incompetent within this line of work, for I believe myself to be a person that has no communication skills, and instead to realise that a person can learn new ways, very easily.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be untruthful, and take time off while I have to work, going into the pretend stage of working...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to settle for less, meaning not working to reach my true full potential of what I am capable of doing.

Day 36 – Responsibility with stables, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to life in the moment of here, doing my stable in a way of just getting it finished (half heartedly), instead of doing it the way I should, all because of the fact that I am living in my mind in some other non-existing reality, instead of being here with my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like cleaning this extra stable is a burden for me at this moment, to feel that I could have done something else within this time, letting my mind wonder of and following it to where ever, instead of breathing in the fresh horse poop air (... hehe) and be here enjoying life, to have the privilege to experience life with farm animals and the care taking of them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the cleaning of the stables is not my responsibility, but someone else’s and therefore I do not have to clean it up to the standard of what is expected, creating thoughts of resistance within this moment of believe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the idea of “I have better things to do with my time” when the responsibility is given to me, creating thoughts within my mind when at stables cleaning them, thoughts where I am busy doing other “enjoyable” things like playing computer games, or watching series.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist the point of going to the stables, wishing I do not have to do it so early in the morning, especially when I have been given a second stable to clean.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist cleaning up the stables, not wanting to go there, through doing this creating a drag in the actual physical cleaning of the stable, instead of breathing and allowing myself to clean the stable, where as this will make me more effective in doing so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to shift the responsibility that has been given to me upon someone else for it is not my stable to clean, because of a point of self-interest, where as my time will be used and that I do not feel like giving it.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to be selfish with my time, not wanting to spend it on someone else, because I have a believe that I deserve this time for me, because there is a reward system still within my mind where every deed I do needs a reward given, meaning I am not living to my fullest potential, unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I need to be rewarded for everything I do, thus creating a resistance within me while doing the stable because it feels like I am not being rewarded but instead being punished.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that cleaning the stables is a punishment toward me for I have no actual horse to look after, for I have no connection to any of the horses, for I have no “fun” or “joy” with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed these thoughts to cross my mind and to accept them as a believe and through this acceptance I have created an inequality within me and towards the horses creating the experience of caring for them negative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do the stable halfway and leave the hard work for the next person who are going to clean this stable, making it just more difficult for them.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to stand within oneness and equality with the horses, and the care taking of the horses, for they are the ones spending 12 hours in that confined space, and so it has to be clean and most comfortable as possible and thus must not be influenced by me for my self-interest that plays out in the moment of the cleaning and care taking. 

Get a move on, for more info on memories and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 33 – Limitations through Tiredness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a limitation for myself through the thought of tiredness, that I believe myself when I am telling myself that I am tired, for not wanting to do anything but just rest, meaning watching series, browsing the web or playing games.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a limitation with time periods within the time where I am not home, and use that time spent away as a guide to let me know if I want to be tired or not, wanting to fool people to think that I am tired, but only fooling myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that one should be tired after a 12hour day of work, limiting my ability to continue with live, and instead want to sit down and rest, doing what I think is resting, but is not as of the fact that all these fun activities also draws energy, instead of living in the moment as breathe, I rely on energies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by this believe of tiredness to think that if I do an activity that is out of my resting boundaries, I will get tired meaning that I would want to sleep for more than 6 hours to be wide awake and be energetic the next day, meaning I am in a polarity of energies, meaning I am being controlled by these energy, not living in the moment of here and now, where energy does not exist, but only the moment and the moment of now, within the breath as here and now, one does not need energy/rest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe by doing something in a higher degree, where more activity takes place, I will burn myself out and will have the need to sleep, instead of just doing it within the moment when I feel like it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am too tired to continue with my work within the Web Development area because of the long day out I had, instead of taking on the challenge, accepting the responsibility and do it within the moment of breath where one does not need the energies of polarity, taking you on a high, then a low.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself thinking that I can fool other people to believe I am tired, and need a break, whereas I am only fooling myself within this believe, and putting this believe in control of me, directing me to do what I think is right for this moment, instead of breathing, realising that I am here, and stop manipulating other people/myself within this believe of tiredness.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to stand as one and as equal with this believe, to realise that I am the one who created this believe, and that I should stand within this believe to be able to –self-direct myself within this believe to change myself to become the effective human being that I am.

Get a move on, for more info on memories and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 32 – Limitations Through Tiredness

I have realised yesterday after a very long day out with work, that I am limiting myself in such a clever but, stupid way. I limit myself through recording my hours that I am not home, doing what I want to do.

Let’s say I go out 8 of the clock in the morning, and come back home again at 8 of the clock, then I have recorded myself to be out for 12 hours, and then I tell myself that I am tired now, I want to rest now, not do anything but rest. Meaning watching series, browsing the web or just play a simple game, not even a real game like an RPG, or FPS, because I am tired, and need to rest myself, whereas I think these games will take too much energy, really Julian?

So this limitation goes on with not only games, it was only an example, but also with everything else I do. I tell myself that I am too tired to work on my Wed Development Project that I have, postponing it to the next day thinking that I will have the energy then, whereas this pattern will just repeat and I will be tired again.

The best part is, I am actually not even tired, I just tell myself this so I will look tired (and then get tired because of this thought) so that other people can see I am tired, and then they realise I am tired where they can say to themselves... “Hey, Julian had a long day of work because look at him he’s tired, so we can excuse him for not doing whatever responsibility he has.” In this instance, my responsibilities are to continue with my Web Development Project and my writings (blog) as I am doing right now.

This thought of tiredness that I send out, limits me, no one else, I’m just busy fooling myself, not even the people around me because they know the principles, they know the limitations and patterns that play out, and know that I have to work on this, push through this and do my part, as an example of living life to the fullest of my potential, as one and as equal.

To basically stop this limitation, to stop thinking that I am tired, to stop procrastination and postponement of my responsibilities, to stand as one and as equal with these creations, systems, patterns and limitations that I have created, and from that point on, change where needs to be changed, to become and effective human being, delivering my utmost potential as life.

Get a move on, for more info on memories and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 27 –The Realisation of What it is to Care, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on a responsibility against my will, not wanting to take care of another being and be responsible for its survival, for the sake of my time that is going to be consumed by this decision all because of self-interest, wanting my time for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a decision on an assumption that I have made, whilst not knowing the condition of the animal that I have to take care of now, that I have made my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist the point of taking care of Birdy, instead of breathing, be in the moment and give him his food/water, and take care of him to get well faster, to be free.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in another moment of time, while doing the cutting up of fruit, cleaning of water, and cage, instead of being here with what I am doing now, taking care of this newly found life form that I have discovered to be in the hand of me, my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think this is a waste of time, to look after the bird, as I was in the mind set of wanting to set it free, endangering it to get tired out there in the wild, not be able to eat, or fly for safety, and maybe dying of natural causes, where as it could have survived if he had the full strength of its body, after being taken care of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise what the consequence of my thoughts might have been if this line of thought had been kept up with me and the care taking of Birdy, not realising that this is LIFE, the essence, we are suppose to be the care takers, not the destroyers, as we act out to be the destroyers of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a believe system that we as humans has to be the care takers, not the destroyers of this world, instead of living here in the moment as one, as EQUAL with each being as we are all the care takers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take care of myself as I would for the bird, or any other living being for that matter, resulting in a poor life quality, where I will not be able to be functioning, thus not living in the moment of here, and not being able to take care.

Day 13 – Power Saving Mode, Part 3

When and as I see myself being bored within my environment, not knowing what to do with my time, I stop and I breathe. I realise that by being bored I am not in the moment, living, but instead waiting, waiting for things to happen instead of making it happen, within the breath as physical reality, here and now.

When and as I see myself being caught up within my own mind, I stop and I breathe, I realise that this is just a pattern where I want to conserve energy, which is not real, but a made up system, I realise that the mind is not real, and that I have to become aware of my physical reality, my body, and the breath.

When and as I see myself entering the “Power Saving Mode” that I have created for myself, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is a pattern, only a program, and through this understanding I can breathe within the moment, with the realisation that it is not real, and be in the physical reality that is here, now.

Whenever I see myself limiting myself through the thought of hunger, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is just a thought, created by me, and I can let go of the thought as I realise that the thought within itself is only a thought and the only limitation I have is to something that isn’t real, such as a thought in my mind.

When and as I see myself limiting my speech/communication skills through the thought of “power saving mode” I stop, and I breathe. I realise that I am not limited, I have the vocabulary, and communications skills needed, all I have to do is apply it within the moment, through taking a deep breath, and at exhaling point, start to talk, slow and clear, knowing what I have to say.

When and as I see myself limiting myself from being interactive with other people, I stop and I breathe. I realise that I have unlimited “energy” when I walk within the moment, as the physical reality as here and now, breathing within each and every step I take to initiate the interactive course of events.

I commit myself to breathe within each moment, as I have realised the point of boredom is not real, but only an act of procrastination of life itself.

I commit myself to live with no limits to the thoughts of hunger, to breathe through it till I get myself some food, and to be in the moment as the physical reality, running on no “energy” which can be limited, but living in the moment, the breath, the physical as here and now.

I commit myself to break through the barriers of limitation when it comes to speech and communicating effectively whilst being hungry, through breathing, and being in the moment as the physical reality.

I commit myself to accept the consequences that I have created within my past, to stand as one and equal towards it, to be able to change it from this moment on forward, through breathing and support myself with breath, in the physical reality of now. 

Day 12 – Power Saving Mode, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be bored, and not knowing what to do while waiting for my clients, instead of being in the moment observing my surroundings, and explore a little more, widening my perspective of the physical world around me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to observe, and explore the new place/location that I were in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be caught up within my own mind, not being able to escape because of the boredom, and the idea that I don’t have enough energy to be active, in the physical world around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run on an invisible power source created by me, thinking that I need to save energy otherwise I will run out, going into “Power Saving Mode” not enabling myself to live in the moment, as the breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be limited by the thought of being hungry, thinking I cannot operate because I have no “energy”, even after eating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my speech/communication skills through the thought of being locked up inside of my head, because I have a limited source of energy left.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my interactive-ness through thinking I have a limited power source, which will run out soon, instead of being in the moment, with my client in the physical reality in the moment of now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think the only thing I am capable of doing effectively while feeling weak, tired and drowsy is thinking, within my head, and not being able to be in the physical world outside of my head.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to accept the consequences that I have created throughout my childhood with no-lunch packed in to school, that I have not yet stand in oneness and equality within myself and the consequences to accept it as my own, and to move forward and change myself from this point on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make this state of living a normality for myself, to think this is how I should feel, and always will feel, not doing anything to change this point of view I have within myself.

Day 11 – Power Saving Mode

Today I was at a venue busy doing work with customers as usual, but the morning was extremely slow because nothing really happen, I was bored and didn’t know what to do with myself besides walking around, sitting everywhere I can find a seat, and do the usual things one does when board.

After a while, I was caught up within my own mind, and my own thoughts, started to think that I am in a “power saving mode”. Sometime later, my first customer pitched up, this is the time I usually spark and do my thing. But not today, getting me out of my mind, back into reality was a challenge, my communication skills were up to no good, and the way I worked with the people was just not acceptable. I was trapped within my mind and couldn’t reach out to the physical world.

I am still “trapped” within my own mind as I am writing now, finding it hard to speak, to be energetic, or to be social in any way, dealing with the world outside of my mind – being interactive with others. This has made me think a little more, as I’m only capable of doing this quite effectively at the precise moment.

Throughout the years I have limited myself in a way that I would think I’ll run out of energy if I use too much of it, like a laptop running on battery. I have done this through a pattern of thoughts which started at a young age, of not packing lunch to school. Meaning I would basically have to save energy because I won’t have food later in the day.

This made me think/feel that I can’t be active, because I don’t have energy through not eating, or, when I would feel like shit (drained/weak/drowsy) I would also keep myself inactive so that I won’t use to much of this “spare” energy and within this process I would trap myself within my own mind, not being able to get out even after I have eaten.

So basically this has become my normality within me, and who I am. I am in a constant “power saving mode” only sometimes I have the opportunity to be all active, not worrying about how much energy I am using and what the consequence will be, meaning being tired afterwards.

I would like to clear this point further - Next post SF

Day 10 - Procrastination, Part 3

When and as I see myself standing in separation, or resisting the procrastination, I stop and I breathe. I realise that, by resisting it, I am not as one and equal within myself and procrastination and thus cannot be equal with it, to be able to change what is being holding me back.

When and as I see myself limiting myself through time, thinking there will not be enough to do my writing, I stop and I breathe. I realise that by limiting myself because of the thought of not having enough time will only slow me down, and increase my chances to create more patterns, and take longer than 7 years to walk my process to freedom.

When and as I see myself rushing off with my work, or postponing it, with the pattern of procrastination within my mind, I stop and I breathe. I realise that by rushing my work will only create a second opportunity to do it, which will be time wasted, meaning I will not be efficient within my time management skills, and accurate as I should be while working.

When and as I see myself being controlled by this pattern, I stop and I breathe. I realise that being controlled by a pattern, takes away my freedom, and of course, controls me, meaning I can’t do what I would like to do, or want to do, hindering my process.

When and as I see myself to be limited by time, I stop and I breathe. I realise that by keeping time about what I do when and where, and how fast, will not make me do things faster, or more accurate, instead let go of the time, and do what I have to do, in the moment, as the breathe.

When and as I see myself giving power to my believe system about breakpoints within the flow of work, I stop and I breathe. I realise that by believing this, will only create bad results, and hinder me in the way I work, and in the flow of my work, not enabling me to be effective even if I were to be disturbed.  

I commit myself to stand as one and equal to procrastination which I have created within myself, to be able to change my ways.

I commit myself to live free from time, even within the usage of time, as I have to use time because it is an important factor in my life and the things I do.

I commit myself to work thoroughly through my work, without rushing it off, within the moment as the breath.

I commit myself to stop the pattern from accoutring when procrastination start, to stand up and do what I have to do, within the moment, as breath.

I commit myself to live freely within my time periods that I have created, to be able to start with work, even if I do know it will not be done after the specific time period.

 I commit myself to realise that its only a believe system, and when it appears within my mind, I breathe and within the moment of realisation I let it go.

Day 4 – Waking up and the consequence, Part 3

When and as I see myself allowing the same thoughts to run through my mind each morning, and accept it as normal, I stop, I breathe, I take a moment to slow down to see the pattern that is playing out, and to realize that it is not real but only a program, and through this understanding, I direct myself to stand up from my bed, through breathing.

When and as I see myself being unmotivated through the thoughts I have in the morning and by comparing it to how my body feels when I wake up, I stop, Breathe I take a moment to slow down to see the pattern that is playing out, and then realize that this isn’t real and only a program, and through this understanding, instead direct myself to clear my mind from these self-destructive thoughts and by moving forward through breathing.

When and as I see myself doing the routine check in the morning with my body, I stop, breath and slow down the moment to see the pattern, and then realize that it isn’t real and only a program, and through this understanding, I instead stand up, and move my body to prepare myself some breakfast.

When and as I see myself thinking about my body as dying, because it feels weak, I stop, I breathe and slow down in the moment to see and realize it is only a pattern, and through this understanding, I instead direct myself to breathe in, breathe out and prepare something for me to eat, to get my strength up.

When and as I see myself wanting to sleep some more after my alarm has awaken me I stop, breathe and take a moment to slow down and see what pattern is playing out, and realize its only a program, and through this understanding, I direct myself to take on the responsibility to stand up, and move forward with my day without any limitations, and doing so through breathing.

When and as I see myself being lazy when instead I have something to do, like making myself breakfast or lunch, I stop, I breathe, I take a moment to slow down and see what pattern is playing out, and realize that it’s only a program, and through this understanding, Instead direct myself to get up and do what I have to take care of my body, and to stop the abusive pattern through breathing and moving.

When and as I see myself fearing the thought of hunger, and having a weak body by not eating, and to feel like eating out of fear, I stop, breathe, I take a moment to slow down and see what pattern is playing out, to realize this pattern is only a program, and through this understanding, instead direct myself to see if I am hungry or not, and make a directive my decision based on my physical feedback.

When and as I see myself having a thought about myself being a weak person, I stop, I breathe, I take a moment to slow down and see what pattern is playing out, to realize that it isn’t real but only a program, and through this understanding of that it is only a thought, I can let go of the thought as I realize that the thought within itself is only a thought and the only weakness as I give my power away to something that isn’t real, such as a thought in my mind.

When and as I see myself using the feeling of weakness to my advantage in situation where I am asked to do or take on a responsibility to get out of it, I stop, I breathe, I take a moment to slow down and to see what pattern is playing it, to realize that it isn’t real but only a program, and through this understanding, Instead direct myself to take on the responsibility and moving within doing it through breathing.

I commit and allow myself to change the thought pattern I awake with each morning by just breathing and to feel my body, as is.

I commit and allow myself to accept my body as it is in the morning whenever I awake, and to breathe within the moment to release any bad feelings/emotions/weaknesses within my body.

I commit and allow myself to make a proper breakfast for myself, feeding my stomach and powering up my body to be the most effective person I can be.

I commit and allow myself to work through my laziness when it strikes, by breathing through the moment of laziness, stand up and do what I have to do.

I commit and allow myself to take care of myself, to eat when I am hungry, and not let my body be abused by ME by not feeding myself with healthy food.

I commit and allow myself to walk fearless within each and every moment of the day, to realize I will not die or get weak instantly by not eating, to allow myself to prepare food and have a delicious meal to fill my stomach.

I commit and allow myself to be the person I am and not to defy myself by the way my body feels, or reacts during the day.

I commit and allow myself to keep my body stable by supply enough food to it, so that I do not get weak or powerless and then use it to my advantage, or to manipulate people by telling them how I feel.

Day 2 – Waking up and the consequence

So, this is how everybody starts their day, by waking up – make sure you do this.

How does waking up make you feel, especially when the wake up process goes through an alarm clock? In reality - no sunshine and flowers I am afraid. You want to sleep some more, get a little bit more of that warmth your blanket is providing you with and just lie there in your bed and not start your day, you want to enjoy the snuggling sinking in moment within your bed for as long as possible, don’t you?  – But within this moment, what else goes through your mind?

This is the problem I have to face with, those thoughts running through my mind every morning - there’s a very specific thought showing itself each time, which bothers me, and this thought is: “How do you feel today, will you be able to do your tasks, will you feel good for a change and be energetic, or will you have a bad day again with a body that feels like dying on you?”.

I have this thought because of a reason, which is also a pattern (just like the first few thoughts I mentioned). This pattern has been repeating my whole life inside of my head when I awake and rises up from my bed each morning. The worst part is I have never really done anything about it.

 It started out in grade 1, I’d say. My parents didn’t make us lunch for school, we had to carry that responsibility on our own, giving us the opportunity to feed and to take care of ourselves during the day when the Parents are working– this was the solution. But do you think a 7 year old boy is going to make lunch each morning if he wakes up 10mins before school? No.

The consequence of this action was terrible; I had a weak childhood from the age of 7 up to the age of 21 years old. Always hungry at school, but had no food because I wanted to sleep some more in the morning, not being able to make myself lunch, no time, and because of this I had to live out the consequence that will follow by being hungry the whole day.

This created the effect where I would not be able to function efficiently, to have the necessary energy to be a child, to be active and do my work. I would feel weak and I would get headaches every second or third day, I basically tortured myself without realizing, or I did realize it but was just lazy and wanted 10 more minutes of sleep. Because of this, the pattern started to arise where I would wake up every morning with this thought in my mind, “how do I feel today?”.

Now that I am 22 years old, I have created a fear, and out of this fear I have realized that I am busy torturing my body and don’t want to feel like shit during the day, so I eat every morning and in regular intervals to prevent this, anything I can get my hands on. I eat not because I am hungry, but because I fear the consequence that will follow when I am hungry and not eating.