Day 44 – Why Hesitate?

Making phone calls, how silly of me to be scared of a phone call, and pressing the green button that is staring me in the face every single time after I have typed in the number I have to dial, defeated by hesitation, yes, I am. This is the problem I am facing since I have started working at my new company this year.

It started out as a nervous voice ringing through the speaker as I spoke to the person on the other end of the phone,  to a confident person knowing what I wants to say and how to say it but, within all of this, the progress, the build-up of a personality within me towards my clients and the arrangement of appointments, there are still a hesitation every time before I start dialing.

When I am in person I can start talking without fear and hesitation, instead I talk with confidence now because I know what I want to say, I have the discipline to direct myself within the moment now, knowing where I want to take this conversation to, be the king of the world in that moment.

But then again, when back at the office and I have to make a call...

It’s as if I fear the person on the other end of the phone when I have to call them, because I can’t see them, I can’t read them to see if this person will be easy to talk to or difficult and then from that point on direct myself on how to approach the situation becomes difficult.

 So, first, is the problem for my hesitation just a reflection for where I really stand within myself, my direction, my responsibility, confidence and my progress? If I were to be so confident within myself, would I not be able to call a person without hesitation? Because I am confident right and I know exactly what to say and how to say it. Meaning this confidence that I have build is real, or is it?

The only time that I will walk/talk with confidence is when I am busy with my work, meaning I don’t have the confidence yet to go out in the world to be me, to strike up a random conversation with someone, or ask a random person for directions or a question I need an answer to, I only have confidence within one field of my life, and that is my job, not in any other fields.

But then again, what is confidence really? Confidence is build upon an idea you have of yourself, an idea where you are so sure about it that you can scream it out to the world and feel good, even if its horribly wrong... So instead of relying on this concept of confidence, that is actually just screwing you up, I will instead accept the challenge and responsibility to use self-direction within self-honesty, getting behind the real reason for why I want/need confidence within a situation and then take a look at this situation, where I can see what needs to be done and through this get my deeds done by directing self, and not relying on assumed ideas/beliefs.

Get a move on, for more info on memories and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 43 – Poverty is Real, Part 3

When and as I see myself caring only about myself and not taking in account the lives of others, I stop and I breathe. I realise by not taking into account other people and their lives are a point of self-interest a point where I only care about myself and what happens to me, and not them aswell, basically not standing as one and equal, nor standing for all life but only myself.

When and as I see myself forming an idea of people that I have not yet even met before, I stop and breathe, I realise that these thoughts of the people that I have and that I am creating about them are presumptions and this is not for who they really are, but instead that is how I treat these people then.

When and as I see myself as better or superior toward a person with no money/status, I stop and I breathe, I realise that I am this person’s equal, and so are they my equal, an none of us are superior/better than the other - for us all are one and equal.

When and as I see myself living in separation with other people just because they are poor, dangerous or have no education, I stop and I breathe, I realise that I am part of the people of this world, and so am I not separated by this, for us must move as one body together, because a body with only 50% working will not be effective/productive.

When and as I see myself dealing with poor people, and feel that I do not belong here helping them, I stop and I breathe, I realise by reacting up on this feeling will bring us no good, and that I am not being self-directive, but instead being directed with feelings/emotions.

When and as I see myself wishing that I am not there with the people, but behind a screen where I have no problems, I stop and I breathe, I realise that I am giving my energy away on an useless activity: hiding. By giving my energy away to this activity shows that I am not willing to face reality for what it is, and thus trying to escape, instead of standing up for myself, for life, and for all, to help and contribute my part in life, unconditionally.

When and as I see myself fearing that I might end up as poor as these people I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is a fear of the future, and this fear is created by me, for the future, meaning it is actually not real and that I am fearing life.

When and as I see myself clashing/colliding with my imagination/mind about what I am seeing in front of me with my physical eyes, I stop and I breathe, through this breath I realise that what I am seeing is real, and there is no need to deny this because what my eyes observe is fact, is reality, and there is no escape to it.

I commit and allow myself to face reality for what it is, and not try and to avoid it by hiding behind a computer, or in my comfort zone where I do not have to experience it.

I commit and allow myself to stand as one and as equal with each and every human being I encounter within each moment, no matter the age, sex, "race" or status they have.

I commit and allow myself to stand for live, to be here in every moment, to live life to my fullest potential, and to do what is best for all life, unconditionally.

 Get a move on, for more info on memories and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 42 – Poverty is Real, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have lived my life in ignorance not taking in account other people and their situation, just so that I can live my life to be successful without caring, and being unconditional.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form an idea about people that I have never even met before, ripping me from my ability to be able to stand as one and as equal with them, to be able to handle them as if they were my friend, and not some bad person that’s only capable of destruction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as better and superior toward poor people just because I have more money, and a bigger house than they have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from these people just because of this idea that I have of them that they are “bad” or “dangerous” people.

I forgive myself that I ahve accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is normal for some people to have it all, and some to have nothing at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience separation while driving in these poor neighbourhoods, to feel that I am not a part of these people, and that I do not belong here, and that I don’t have to be here to witness it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish that I was not in that area in that moment, because I wish that I did not see these people and the real situation that they are in, because it creates a negative reaction within me, a fear that I might be one of them one day, that I might end up like them one day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I am in a collision with reality, by not wanting to accept this reality for what it is, and to feel that I want to get out of there because this is too much to see/handle for me at this moment, to see so many, thousands of people suffering every day just because of this inequality within our world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to avoid reality, and wanting to do so by going home and hide behind the computer, where everything is fine, no problems, no people suffering and no people begging for money/food but only me and my “safety zone”, escaping reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for these people, and by this feeling being directed to want to go out of this place, instead of staying and helping, not by giving food/money but giving them a chance to educate themself to be able to work themself out of this situation. (By giving the people money/food will only encourage them to keep on doing nothing but beg, give them a permanent solution, not a temporary one.)

 Get a move on, for more info on memories and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 41 – Poverty is Real

My whole life I have been living in middle to upper class areas, from pre-school up to high school and college, I have worked in an upper class area known as Rivonia, Sandton, probably the richest part of South-Africa. I have never really seen poverty, maybe a small town or two outside of where I lived, with poor people living in shacks struggling, but it did not really bother me. It felt kind of normal, because everybody can’t be rich, who’s going to be the person cleaning my house, standing at till points swiping my items through the scanner when I buy it, or fuel up my car at a petrol station, right? They have to live somewhere, and in my mind, that was their area, seem normal for me.

I never in my live had the chance to go into one of these areas, always been told that it is dangerous, and we should not try to enter it, they will steel everything from you, and maybe kidnap you, or murder you etc. So here was this idea within my mind about these people, the people living in poverty, the people we allow inside our homes to clean it, or to take care of our gardens. The people who struggle to survive. The people I don’t want to help because of this idea.

So, the idea of helping them never came up in my mind, and so it did not really bother me. It’s not me who’s trapped in that situation/poverty, I was not the one to be born into that world, I am here and this is my life which I have to make a success of, as should they with their lives... as a gardener, sure.

Until about 2-3 months ago, when I arrived in PMB, away from Gauteng which is known as the heart of our economy/country, where here in PMB all you can see is poverty, almost all that you see are shacks and little houses filled with massive families, struggling to survive, which still didn’t bother me as much because I thought of it as the same concept, until about 2 days ago, when I started to explore more in depth of what is going on, and see how they really lived.

This was not planned, it just kind of happened with my new business partners, we had to infiltrate new schools to sell our software to, and the more we explored into this territory, the more I realised that it had no end. These neighbourhoods are unbelievably big, the amounts of people are uncountable, schools are stacked with learners, and buildings are falling and breaking apart. The toilets in these schools look like shit, no other words to explain, and for a school of about 400 kids, there is only one male and one female bathroom, to be shared among them all.

These people live in real poverty; they go to school for free, where the school has to provide the kids with lunch because the parents can’t afford to give them food/money. Some of these schools can’t even provide this lunch, meaning about 400 kids or more starve every day just to attend school, and this is only in one school (a small schools). There are about 4-6 school in this area alone, 3 would be in the same area in this neighbourhood next to each other, whereas another 3 schools will be a kilometer or 2 away, all with 400-800 kids in, probably starving, with my partner at the end of the day telling me how far they have to walk each afternoon, some go as far as 15km, because they can’t afford a taxi ride of just R6.

As the days progressed with me experiencing the poverty, driving through these areas that I was told never to enter, I realised one thing, my whole life I have been living a luxurious life, never have to worry about where I am going to find food or water, or a place to sleep, or thinking will I be safe tonight? I don’t know what that is, I have never experienced it and so I realised that this way of thinking I have, is not acceptable.

The reaction within my mind was kind of weird, it was like an image within my mind that clashed with reality as I saw it, telling me this is not real, this should not be real, wtf are we doing to our fellow human beings? No one deserves to live a life like this where they can barely survive.  

Change is needed.

 Get a move on, for more info on memories and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 40 – Ego and rejection, Part 3

When and as I see myself taking a situation personally which will result in a clouded mind, not being able to see the actually point/problem, I stop and I breathe. I realise that by taking this situation personally will only take away my ability to see the point/problem clearly and thus resulting in me getting angry or off the point and not solving the problem effectively.

When and as I see myself allowing myself to feel rejected by someone or some concept, I stop and I breathe. I realise that by allowing this rejection will only create anger, frustration and loneliness within me, where I separate myself from the physical world around me to avoid these experiences any further.

When and as I see myself wanting to share knowledge to help a person, but with and alternative goal, I stop and I breathe, I realise by doing this I am only feeding my ego with the energy that it desires, and in return opens up a possibility of getting “hurt” when one may get rejected in the act of sharing the knowledge.

When and as I see myself feeling offended by the rejection, I stop and I breathe, I realise that I am only offended because of the alternative motive/goal that I had in place, and by seeing this, it clouds my judgement and my ability to see the situation for what it really is.

When and as I see myself experiencing anger and while in its process I allow it to such a point where I can easily lose control of it, I stop and I breathe, I realise that I am the creator of this anger, and that I should not give my power to this anger and allow it to grow so far, for I am the creator of it and so should I be in control of it.

When and as I see myself clouding my mind with these thoughts and ideas for the ego and its advantage, I stop and I breathe. I realise that by doing this, I am only busy wasting away my energy and not being here within the physical reality, as for what the moment is, but somewhere lost in the midst of my mind.

When and as I see myself generating excuses to get myself out of situations, I stop and I breathe, I realise by not dealing with the situation now is being dishonest with self, and a way of escaping reality and the moment of here, postponing my chance to deal with the problem now, onto a later stage.

I commit and allow myself to be directive within a moment of anger, to direct self towards a point where I no longer feed my feelings with energy, to be clouded by them, and by this creating an illusion for what the physical reality really is, not seeing clearly basically.

I commit and allow myself to deal with a situation, rather than to create excuses to get out of it, and assisting self through this process by breathing, being here, and to be self-directive within each and every moment that presents itself.

 Get a move on, for more info on memories and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 39 – Ego and Rejection, Part 2

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to take a situation personally, when it was purely meant for a moment of only helping someone out, and not suppose to be a moment for ego boosting, and by taking this situation personal allowing myself to get angry for what has happened.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel rejected within this situation and by feeling rejected creating a negative reaction where I get angry at the person for what has happened, allowing them to get to me and make me feel that my ego is being “hurt”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pass on information with an alternative goal of only gaining an ego boost, where my ego can feel proud of the knowledge it has within and are able to pass on, instead of doing it out of pure innocence, to help the person understanding the program better, and to be more effective through my knowledge I have to give.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be offended by the rejection of my knowledge because of the believe I have, where I believe that one should listen to me when speaking about the program just because of my 2 years experience that I have with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry, and to take it to such a point where it almost feels like my blood is boiling, instead of assisting myself within the breathe to be able to stand within myself, as here and as self direction and responsibility, because through getting angry and seeing red won’t solve the issue where the other party don’t have the time at the specific moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a clouded mind because of my ego and not being able to identify the situation for what it is, and by not being able to identify it, I just jumped in with no concern of the other persons situation, basically just reacting upon my own self-interest and what I think is best for the person and their knowledge at the present time, instead of thinking what is best for all within this situation and the most effective solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react upon this self-interest, to use this knowledge as a way to get attention to give myself a little boost with the ego, and being rejected upon this, to become angry.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to use hunger as an excuse for my anger, and to get out of this situation with no conflict, dodging a point of self-honesty/responsibility that I have to face, resolving the issue here in this moment instead of postponing it to a later stage in time.

 Get a move on, for more info on memories and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 38 – Ego and Rejection

Reactions, a negative, angry reaction I experienced the other day while trying to pass on some knowledge about a designing program and what one can do within the program to create some effects, effectively, while the person working the computer/program rejected me and my advice.

I started to explain the concept and what the cool advantages are for the person the program and then went on to show this to the person, basically to give them a quick example which would take 10 seconds literally, but as it turns out the person was under a lot of stress/pressure and had a lot of work to do, meaning they are in a rush... and while this was the case, my interference was not helping at all, thus resulting in the rejection of my help, which I in return took personally.

What went through my head was thoughts about the fact that I know what I am talking about, I have more than 2 years experience in this program, and there should be no need for this rejection when you are still learning the program, why not take my advice & example and use it, which will make the doing of the work more time effective.

After all this a started to feel like I am bursting in fire, my veins felt like they were red hot and ready to boil, but instead of feeding this anger, I just stopped and breathed, while doing this, I just reacted in a way to avoid conflict at all costs. I stepped back, made a remark about how hungry I am and that I will be leaving to feed myself and just get out of there.

 So, why did I get angry then? May be my ego which was popped in the moment of rejection, and self-interest being “damaged”, and by the fact that I think that I know-it-all within this program,(the self-interest point/ego) and now that someone doesn’t want to listen to me, I am being offended. My ego is being “hurt”, and that infuriated me, instead of just passing on the information without having an alternative goal - ego wanting to show off its knowledge.

The point of self-interest lies in where I want to be the only one knowing this stuff and helping people with it, so meaning people will be kind of dependant on me for help with the program, a way of getting attention, and this attention will be for my ego then... to make it “grow”. Basically games people play to get things their way.

 Get a move on, for more info on memories and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 37 – Responsibility with stables, Part 3

When and as I see myself getting lost in thought, I stop and I breathe, I realise that by being in my thoughts while physically working I am not here with in the moment busy with my task at hand, thus can’t do it to the best of my abilities.

When and as I see myself resisting the fact that I have to clean a stable, I stop and I breathe, I realise that by resisting a responsibility will only slow me down in doing the task, and not giving me any effective solutions to doing it any quicker.

When and as I see myself following the pattern where I think I don’t have to do something to the best of my ability, I stop and I breathe, I realise that my viewpoint of the matter is not what is best for all, and that by thinking this, it influences my ability to do my task to the best of my ability.

When and as I see myself believing that I have better things to do than taking care of a horse’s stable, I stop and I breathe, I realise by acting this way is not what is best for all, only a point of self interest, and by realising this I can stand within one and equality towards this point of self-interest to change my viewpoint and my care taking of the horse’s stable.

When and as I see myself wanting to shift the responsibility of my stable onto someone else on the farm, I stop and I breathe, I realise that I am not the only one with responsibilities and by wanting to shift the weight is not fair of me, and only a point of self-interest.

When and as I see myself wanting my time for me and myself, to do whatever, I stop and I breathe I realise that by giving my energy to this thought is only creating more self-interest within me, and more resistance towards my responsibility, meaning I will not be able to live in the physical reality of here, but in my mind on what I could have done with my time if it was not to be spent here at the stables.

When and as I see myself playing out the pattern of reward, where I think I need to be rewarded for whatever I have done, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is only a point of self-interest, and by wanting a reward for everything I do is just not possible, nor is it unconditional as all my actions should be when standing as one and as equal with life.

When and as I see myself creating the wrong idea within my head because I am not rewarded with fun or quality time spent with the horses after the stables has been cleaned. I stop and I breathe, I realise by thinking this is only a self-interest and my reward pattern playing out, and by thinking this, it is only slowing me down and creating a negative experience within me, instead of doing the cleaning unconditionally and within the moment of here.

When and as I see myself only want to do a stable halfway because I am filling in for someone else, I stop and I breathe, I realise by cleaning the stable only halfway for someone else is not standing as one and equality, also meaning that I am not doing it unconditionally or living by the principles that I choose to live by.

I commit and allow myself to let go of my resistance towards cleaning of the stables and doing my part, and to instead breathe in the fresh air around me and help taking care of life, one step at a time.

I commit and allow myself to breathe through the resistance and to stand as one and equal within my creation of resistance to be able to change it towards this point, through breathing and letting go whilst standing up to go and clean the stables given to me.

Day 36 – Responsibility with stables, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to life in the moment of here, doing my stable in a way of just getting it finished (half heartedly), instead of doing it the way I should, all because of the fact that I am living in my mind in some other non-existing reality, instead of being here with my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like cleaning this extra stable is a burden for me at this moment, to feel that I could have done something else within this time, letting my mind wonder of and following it to where ever, instead of breathing in the fresh horse poop air (... hehe) and be here enjoying life, to have the privilege to experience life with farm animals and the care taking of them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the cleaning of the stables is not my responsibility, but someone else’s and therefore I do not have to clean it up to the standard of what is expected, creating thoughts of resistance within this moment of believe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the idea of “I have better things to do with my time” when the responsibility is given to me, creating thoughts within my mind when at stables cleaning them, thoughts where I am busy doing other “enjoyable” things like playing computer games, or watching series.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist the point of going to the stables, wishing I do not have to do it so early in the morning, especially when I have been given a second stable to clean.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist cleaning up the stables, not wanting to go there, through doing this creating a drag in the actual physical cleaning of the stable, instead of breathing and allowing myself to clean the stable, where as this will make me more effective in doing so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to shift the responsibility that has been given to me upon someone else for it is not my stable to clean, because of a point of self-interest, where as my time will be used and that I do not feel like giving it.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to be selfish with my time, not wanting to spend it on someone else, because I have a believe that I deserve this time for me, because there is a reward system still within my mind where every deed I do needs a reward given, meaning I am not living to my fullest potential, unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I need to be rewarded for everything I do, thus creating a resistance within me while doing the stable because it feels like I am not being rewarded but instead being punished.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that cleaning the stables is a punishment toward me for I have no actual horse to look after, for I have no connection to any of the horses, for I have no “fun” or “joy” with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed these thoughts to cross my mind and to accept them as a believe and through this acceptance I have created an inequality within me and towards the horses creating the experience of caring for them negative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do the stable halfway and leave the hard work for the next person who are going to clean this stable, making it just more difficult for them.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to stand within oneness and equality with the horses, and the care taking of the horses, for they are the ones spending 12 hours in that confined space, and so it has to be clean and most comfortable as possible and thus must not be influenced by me for my self-interest that plays out in the moment of the cleaning and care taking. 

Get a move on, for more info on memories and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 35 – Responsibility with stables

I was given the responsibility today to do a second stable, and while doing this I realised that I did it half heartedly. This stable is someone else’s responsibility and I am just filling in on their behalf, not realising that all of the stables here are everyone’s responsibility equally, we just divided the work in sections so that one person does not have to do all of the work.

So while cleaning up the horse’s stable this morning I had a lot of thoughts about what I am doing, and why I am doing it, and how I resisted doing it, without realising this simple concept of why I am actually doing it in the first place.

I rushed myself to get done because, hey it’s not my stable, not my responsibility, I am just filling in for someone, so why should I clean it as if it is my stable, taking care of the business as I would when doing my own stable? They will clean it up nice and tidy when they have to do it again tomorrow. This was my attitude this morning, until this afternoon when I realised that I should not be thinking and acting this way, it’s a fucked up perspective to have, this is a horse’s sleeping place for the night and I am busy messing this up for him because of my self-interest, and not wanting to take the responsibility and time to help someone else and the horse out.

So I realised this, and had to take action on my way of seeing and doing this extra responsibility, through breathing and directing myself, whilst being in the moment of here. Directing self to do this as if it is my own, my sole responsibility even thou it is not, this is in correlation with the principle of: give as you would like to receive. Meaning if someone else had to do my stable (Basically giving me their labour), I would want them to do it as if it were their own, not leaving a mess for me to clean, and so I have to do this stable the way I would like to receive it, simple as that.

So, this means I have to change my way, stand as one and as equal within this responsibility I resist, and then from this point forward I can change it through self-forgiveness and self-application – will be done in next post.

Day 34 – Limitations through Tiredness

When and as I see myself creating the effect of being tired through my thought process, I stop and I breathe, within this moment I realise that I am busy creating a limitation, a limitation that will have an effect on me, where it controls me, and creates a false believe within the peoples life around me, making me not as effective and productive as much as I want and need to be.

When and as I see myself creating a limitation based on time periods that I am not home, I stop and I breathe, I realise that I should not define my state of being by the hours out working, instead live in breath, and realise that tiredness in only a limitation.

When and as I see myself giving energy to the thought of tiredness after a long day of work, or after one has worked for 12 hours, I stop and I breathe, I realise this is only a limitation, and one should not be limited to live life by the amount of work they have done.

When and as I see myself wanting to rest after a long day, limiting myself I stop and I breathe. I realise this is a pattern playing out, a pattern that works within the reward system in one’s mind, where one think they deserve to get this time for themselves because of the work they have done, this is purely a point of self-interest.

When and as I see myself standing within separation of reality because of being tired, because of the thought I had about tiredness, I stop and I breathe, I realise that I am not here, I am not in the moment, and through not being here life passes me by, making me ineffective in what I do, and want to do.

When and as I see myself not taking self-direction and are being controlled by the thought of tiredness, I stop and I breathe, I realise that I am not in control of myself, that I am being controlled and by this will affect my physical body by getting tired, making me ineffective in what I do.

When and as I see myself not wanting to do something because I am “tired” and that this activity is going to take more energy then what I have planned for, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is just a pattern and by following this pattern I will only limit myself in doing the least of what I am capable of doing.

When and as I see myself wanting to play a game of manipulation where I am the only contestant, or maybe not, I stop and I breathe I realise by wanting to manipulate other people with my tiredness I stop and I realise that I am not taking responsibility for my actions and the effects it might have, I realise that I am the only one being fooled, and held behind by this manipulation/game I am participating in.

I commit and allow myself to breathe through the thought of tiredness when it comes up to play within my mind, realising that I have to breathe to be here and not in my room in my bed watching series and being lazy.

I commit and allow myself to stand as one and as equal with this thought of tiredness when it arrive in my mind, to be able to change my direction within this limiting thought in my mind, to let go of it, and to be here in the moment of physical reality, breathing.

I commit and allowed myself to live within each and every moment as it presents itself, to be who I am within this breath of now, and to not be the though of tiredness, laziness, and a procrastinator.

Get a move on, for more info on memories and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 33 – Limitations through Tiredness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a limitation for myself through the thought of tiredness, that I believe myself when I am telling myself that I am tired, for not wanting to do anything but just rest, meaning watching series, browsing the web or playing games.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a limitation with time periods within the time where I am not home, and use that time spent away as a guide to let me know if I want to be tired or not, wanting to fool people to think that I am tired, but only fooling myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that one should be tired after a 12hour day of work, limiting my ability to continue with live, and instead want to sit down and rest, doing what I think is resting, but is not as of the fact that all these fun activities also draws energy, instead of living in the moment as breathe, I rely on energies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by this believe of tiredness to think that if I do an activity that is out of my resting boundaries, I will get tired meaning that I would want to sleep for more than 6 hours to be wide awake and be energetic the next day, meaning I am in a polarity of energies, meaning I am being controlled by these energy, not living in the moment of here and now, where energy does not exist, but only the moment and the moment of now, within the breath as here and now, one does not need energy/rest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe by doing something in a higher degree, where more activity takes place, I will burn myself out and will have the need to sleep, instead of just doing it within the moment when I feel like it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am too tired to continue with my work within the Web Development area because of the long day out I had, instead of taking on the challenge, accepting the responsibility and do it within the moment of breath where one does not need the energies of polarity, taking you on a high, then a low.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself thinking that I can fool other people to believe I am tired, and need a break, whereas I am only fooling myself within this believe, and putting this believe in control of me, directing me to do what I think is right for this moment, instead of breathing, realising that I am here, and stop manipulating other people/myself within this believe of tiredness.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to stand as one and as equal with this believe, to realise that I am the one who created this believe, and that I should stand within this believe to be able to –self-direct myself within this believe to change myself to become the effective human being that I am.

Get a move on, for more info on memories and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 32 – Limitations Through Tiredness

I have realised yesterday after a very long day out with work, that I am limiting myself in such a clever but, stupid way. I limit myself through recording my hours that I am not home, doing what I want to do.

Let’s say I go out 8 of the clock in the morning, and come back home again at 8 of the clock, then I have recorded myself to be out for 12 hours, and then I tell myself that I am tired now, I want to rest now, not do anything but rest. Meaning watching series, browsing the web or just play a simple game, not even a real game like an RPG, or FPS, because I am tired, and need to rest myself, whereas I think these games will take too much energy, really Julian?

So this limitation goes on with not only games, it was only an example, but also with everything else I do. I tell myself that I am too tired to work on my Wed Development Project that I have, postponing it to the next day thinking that I will have the energy then, whereas this pattern will just repeat and I will be tired again.

The best part is, I am actually not even tired, I just tell myself this so I will look tired (and then get tired because of this thought) so that other people can see I am tired, and then they realise I am tired where they can say to themselves... “Hey, Julian had a long day of work because look at him he’s tired, so we can excuse him for not doing whatever responsibility he has.” In this instance, my responsibilities are to continue with my Web Development Project and my writings (blog) as I am doing right now.

This thought of tiredness that I send out, limits me, no one else, I’m just busy fooling myself, not even the people around me because they know the principles, they know the limitations and patterns that play out, and know that I have to work on this, push through this and do my part, as an example of living life to the fullest of my potential, as one and as equal.

To basically stop this limitation, to stop thinking that I am tired, to stop procrastination and postponement of my responsibilities, to stand as one and as equal with these creations, systems, patterns and limitations that I have created, and from that point on, change where needs to be changed, to become and effective human being, delivering my utmost potential as life.

Get a move on, for more info on memories and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 31 – Into the Deep, Part 3

When and as I see myself shifting blame around in any way, I stop and I breathe. I realise that I am the one responsible for how I am driving and not the car with its weird gears, I realise by blaming the car will not make me a better driver, or solve my problem, but only take my energy which could have been used to improve my driving skills.

When and as I see myself generating excuses for my actions, I stop and I breathe, I realise that these excuses only makes me on my nerves and does not help me in any direction.

When and as I see myself feeding this believe system where I would go on and believe that I am a quite person, and doesn’t like interacting with other people, I stop and I breathe, I slow down my moment and thought process to see this believe system clearly, to realise that I am not a quit person, but I am also not a loud person, but I am who I am within this moment of breathe, as who I am here and now.

When and as I see myself hesitating on my actions because I want an example before I stumble myself into a situation to experience my own well, experience with the specific situation, I stop and I breathe, i realise that by hesitating to participates within life is an act of the mind, a limitation, a fear, when this is realised, I assist myself through breathing where in the same instance I use SELF-Direction to MOVE forward and do what has to be done.

When and as I see myself depending on my brother to make the first choice in what has to follow next within a situation, I stop and I breathe. I realise that by depending on my brother, I will never be able to move and direct myself forward within this world, but instead stand still. By this realisation, I must part myself from the dependency which I have on my brother, to give him space to be able to move and direct, and in the same instance give this chance to myself aswell.

When and as I see myself depending on anyone in this case, I stop and I breathe, I realise that I am responsible for what I am doing with this moment, opportunity that has presented itself, I am the responsible to direct myself within this moment, no one else. I instead stand as one and as equal with this dependency that I have, and from this point on move forward, within self direction.

When and as I see myself being afraid of a situation, a challenge that has presented itself to me, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this might be and opportunity that may never presents itself again, and by me being afraid of this situation will take a chance away from me to live it out, to be able to live my utmost potential.

When and as I see myself not being able to set a goal in place, directly after the goal that has to be achieved has been explained, I stop and I breathe. I realise that my mind was in some other place when the information was given, and by not focusing and hearing what is said, I make myself inefficient to the other people, to the group which I work within, where this will have an effect on my performance, and so my/our goal, all in all by not being here and take in the information, I will not be able to direct myself within the moment of breath.

When and as I see myself being nervous and through this not being able to be clear, i stop and I breathe. I realise that my nervousness is affecting my moment of here, and not. Not living here. So I assist myself through breath, to let myself relax, to let go and be here in this moment taking on any challenge that is presented to me.

When and as I see myself wanting to give away responsibility, not standing up for myself to stand tall and strong, i stop and I breathe. I realise by not taking the responsibility I am not standing as one and as equal with life, with reality, with me nor my brother, creating an inequality within me by putting my brother as higher and stronger as me, seeing him as my big brother, and not as my equal.

I commit and allow myself to be here in this moment, to stand as one and as equal with my responsibilities, challenges and goals, to see when I am not aware of my situation, and from seeing this to act by breathing, bringing myself to the here and now, the physical reality.

I commit and allow myself to stand as one and as equal to my brother, not seeing him as someone bigger or better than me just because he is older than me, or be able to communicate more effectively than I am able to.

I commit and allow myself to take on the responsibility that is given to me, to take the challenge, to be able to integrate information into my body, to be able to live within the moment and to use self-direction without hesitation.

I commit and allow myself to be here, to breathe, to realise that I am here and nowhere else, here as life, a living human being, to live out my utmost potential, unconditionally.

Day 30 – Into the Deep, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not feel the car, and enabling me to drive it with confidence, but blaming the 6 gears and clutch for my baddriving that I am practicing, where as I would generate a feeling of nervousness and then start making mistakes, not being here within the moment of now, and driving.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make excuses for why my driving sucks in the new area, and why I am on my nerves instead of being self-honest, get to the point of the problem and deal with it, within the assistance of breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a believe system within my mind, that I am a quit person, and through this believe limiting myself from exploring, going out in to the world and be myself and be confident within speech when I have to use it to get information from other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be limited by wanting an example of how something must be done, instead of going out there, doing it myself and explore the world with all it’s possibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not be directive within the moment, but instead waiting on my brother to speak up and make the choice for us, being afraid of what might happen if I go to a building to speak to someone and find out information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for wanting to have no responsibilities, and instead rely on my brother to take the responsibility that we share within that moment, among the three of us.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid to take on my own challenges that is given to me, not taking the chance when the window of opportunity presents itself within the moment of discussion, an opportunity for me to explore myself for who I am in a situation where I am being thrown into the “Deep Side” of things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be unable to create my goal of what has to be achieved within this day, directly after I have been given the information of my objective, creating the problem where I have no self-direction, or idea what to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be clouded by the reaction of nervousness within my body, not being able to move forward with self-direction within the moment as the breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always want to rely on my brother, as of the feeling of safety I get, having a small comfort zone bubble with me when he is around, knowing that he will have my back when I can’t control the situation with my speech when dealing with other people, instead of being here, in the moment with self-direction, knowing where I want to go, and what I need to do to get to the end point of this goal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always want to look at my brother for an answer, or a solution to the problem, instead of being in the moment, slowing it down, through breathing and see the answer/solution to the problem/challenge and then speak up with what I have realised the solution or answer may be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give the lead of where things are headed in any situation to my brother, instead of standing up for myself, being here in this moment of physical reality and take the lead within walking in self-direction/realisation within each moment of breath to create the outcome of the situation in the way it is needed to be created - the most practical solution.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to take on the challenge, the responsibility and the lead whenever the opportunity presents itself, whereas I may have the way to beat the challenge, to overcome it in the best practical way possible.

Day 29 – Into the Deep

Today I am going to talk about being thrown into the deep, within a situation and my struggle to move within this moment, as I have a brother which I am relying on. I went out for a business trip together with my brother and his partner today where as I was given the chance to drive for the first time in 2 months, not knowing the roads, or how the people react and drive within this area, and a new car, with 6 gears and a clutch that’s extremely high. . Whereas I am used to a car with 5 gears, a low clutch and a familiar area where I can predict and know how people will react and drive.

So this was the first instance, it was not so bad but, it did get me to be a little bit nervous while driving and for the rest of the day every time I drive I’d feel these nerves. As the day progressed we got to a point, where as this is the second instance... We had to go see people and that’s all I knew, thought it was an appointment they made, so as we got there my brother and his partner randomly told me that we have to work in groups to go and see people, we have never met or made an appointment with. Remember this is a business trip; we go out and see people to generate leads, to be able to get our product out there, to make a difference, as of the fact that this is an educational software product that we are selling.

They said we need to split up into 3 groups, where we will choose 3 buildings, and then go to the building of choice, and just randomly introduces ourselves to the receptionist telling what and why we are here, putting our goal out there, so that they can get us to a person to speak with, so that we will be able to get into the building and the people working in it, effectively.

Now, the deep side for me is... I am not a person who just goes out and start talking and exploring with random people to sell a product to, this is a believe system that I have created for myself, a limitation, not only within selling stuff, but in general as well. All my life I have told this to myself, and I have no reason why. Is it because I am a quit person? A person that likes being alone, and not around a lot of people? No, this should not be the case, I am only going in there for 5 to 10 minutes to generate a lead and then I am out, no need to be an extrovert for that, just a need for confidence, self-direction and a goal, short, direct and sweet, if the need for small talk arises, sure I can do that. But, the fear, the nerves, the thoughts of what’s going to happen when I do walk in there, scared me, what should I say I have no goal at this moment, no direction, and no confidence because I need the first two options... What if I mess this up? All these thoughts pop up into my mind, creating scenarios and shit, which will never come true, and if it does come true, damn, just deal with it (Even thou they did give me a goal, where as I should give myself direction, and confidence within the moment).

Now, I was against this, I wanted an example from someone to see how it is done, and then I can follow the lead to go alone. I did not say anything, just waited for my brother to speak up... It did not happen, so his partner said, “Ok, we need to get going” and so he went to a building to do his thing, with me and my brother just standing there, me of course waiting for my brother, and he probably waited for me to do something, and then after a few seconds he suggested a building, and we went there, us not splitting apart.

So my point is... I am reliant on my brother, as I was since the day I can remember, for the last six/seven years where he was not around, I would have done these things, but not today. As soon as he is nearby, I always look at him for an answer, wanting him to take the lead, wanting him to take the responsibility and challenges. Not me doing these things on my own and this is one of my biggest points I have to work through where I want my brother to take the responsibility, and show me the way. Otherwise for as long as I have him around and not working through this point, I will always be reliant/dependant on him, and not making my own choices, taking on my own challenges, not taking on my own responsibility and will never be able to move forward as an individual within self-direction within this world.

Day 28 –The Realisation of What it is to Care, Part 3

When and as I see myself resisting a point of responsibility, I stop and I breathe. I realise by resisting the point of responsibility, I am not standing as one and as equal with it, taking away my chance to participate within life, to take on the challenge of caring for a bird, to learn more about it and be an up- lifting hand to Life.

When and as I see myself deciding upon a point where I should take responsibility and the facts are based on assumptions, I stop and I breathe. I realise my assumption towards the point is not clear or may be wrong, and therefore I should not act upon it, rather question what I have observed, not making assumptions, and rather find out more about the situation, and then make my decision.

When and as I see myself resisting the point of taking care of Birdy, or any other life form, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is a real living being that I am dealing with and my care taking will have an effect upon this specific living being, and by realising this point, I should work through it by supporting myself with breathing, and being here in the physical reality of now.

When and as I see myself drifting off in space, with my mind, and not being here in the moment, I stop myself and I breathe, I realise this is the mind acting out and by identifying this act, I support myself through breathing, realising that I am here, and nowhere else, but here in this moment of physical reality cutting up the fruit for Birdy.

When and as I see myself having the mind set of setting the bird free, and not really taking care of him, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is a point of resistance towards the care taking of Birdy, if it should be kept here or be set a free, I should still look after it as if I am looking after myself.

When and as I see myself not taking care of myself, I stop and I breathe, I realise that this is my body, the only one I have, and it should be cared for by me, it is my responsibility as it is no one else’s.

I commit and allow myself to look after birdy, in such a way that if I were to be the one to be locked up in a cage – be taken care of unconditionally.

I commit and allow myself to breathe through the moment of resistance, to let it go, and to be here, in this moment of taking care of birdy, and doing so unconditionally.

I commit and allow myself to walk within this realisation of LIFE, and what it means to be alive; to take care, to love, to live, and to appreciate life as one and as equal, doing so unconditionally.

I commit and allow myself to be here, in this moment of breath in the physical reality of now taking care of birdy and myself, unconditionally.