Day 45 – Why Hesitate, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate before I make a call because of the fact that I can’t see the person and through that know what I might face when speaking to them, basically relying on my judgement which in any case might not be accurate at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate to make a phone call because I fear that I might not understand the person and have to ask them to explain a concept more than once, in return making them impatient with me and not my understanding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the person I am calling might not understand me, and that I have to repeat myself over and over with the person, and then after some repeating they drop the call.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when a person drops my call because they could not understand me for the reason being; communication barriers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get impatient with people that do not understand English as well as I do, and in return makes communication very difficult for us both.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate on the phone call because of this communication barrier and therefore creating impatiens and the actually hesitation because I don’t want to struggle with people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by this impatiens, through hesitating and not wanting to do the calls that I have to, instead of directing myself and push through this challenge I am facing with communicating with other people.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have confidence just to be proven wrong for when I get into a situation where I do not deal with my work, just to realise that my confidence only lies within my work I do and not in the over all.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to walk within self-direction, instead I walked in confidence which is built upon images, thoughts and patterns which all in all is not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on the idea of confidence which exists of images thoughts and patterns to build up the feeling of confidence instead of self-directing myself in every moment of breath, knowing that by being directed by self, I will not be needing confidence as of the fact that I will know what I want and need to do to get to my objective, or to complete it.

Get a move on, for more info on memories and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 38 – Ego and Rejection

Reactions, a negative, angry reaction I experienced the other day while trying to pass on some knowledge about a designing program and what one can do within the program to create some effects, effectively, while the person working the computer/program rejected me and my advice.

I started to explain the concept and what the cool advantages are for the person the program and then went on to show this to the person, basically to give them a quick example which would take 10 seconds literally, but as it turns out the person was under a lot of stress/pressure and had a lot of work to do, meaning they are in a rush... and while this was the case, my interference was not helping at all, thus resulting in the rejection of my help, which I in return took personally.

What went through my head was thoughts about the fact that I know what I am talking about, I have more than 2 years experience in this program, and there should be no need for this rejection when you are still learning the program, why not take my advice & example and use it, which will make the doing of the work more time effective.

After all this a started to feel like I am bursting in fire, my veins felt like they were red hot and ready to boil, but instead of feeding this anger, I just stopped and breathed, while doing this, I just reacted in a way to avoid conflict at all costs. I stepped back, made a remark about how hungry I am and that I will be leaving to feed myself and just get out of there.

 So, why did I get angry then? May be my ego which was popped in the moment of rejection, and self-interest being “damaged”, and by the fact that I think that I know-it-all within this program,(the self-interest point/ego) and now that someone doesn’t want to listen to me, I am being offended. My ego is being “hurt”, and that infuriated me, instead of just passing on the information without having an alternative goal - ego wanting to show off its knowledge.

The point of self-interest lies in where I want to be the only one knowing this stuff and helping people with it, so meaning people will be kind of dependant on me for help with the program, a way of getting attention, and this attention will be for my ego then... to make it “grow”. Basically games people play to get things their way.

 Get a move on, for more info on memories and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 26 –The Realisation of What it is to Care.

The realisation of what it is to really take care of another life form. In this instance a little bird, that has been injured, do not know how thou but, I was giving the responsibility to look after him for the next few weeks or so. I am going to call it birdy, short and sweet.

At first I said yes I’ll do it but, with hesitation because I know this is going to take a moment out of my day that I have to spend with the bird, giving him food/water, cleaning his cage and then my room, he seems to like it to aim outside of the cage when taking his poo, shooting all over, maybe he has a personal best record which he wants to break on how far he can get that poo to go? Anyway, this time I was not really willing to give away for this bird, I felt he needed to be set free, but is too weak to be set free, so from the first moment of this responsibility I received, I was doing it just because I have to, and for the worst I did this with resistance, a lot of resistance.

I have birdy for a week and a few days now, and within this whole time every morning when I would wake up, I would do my own thing first, taking “care” of me, self-interest. Then after a while I will give him food, with the mood of I don’t want to do this man, come on, this is my time being wasted, all because of the thought that we should set it free of course.

In this time, I have tried to let him free in my room, just to give him some space and not to be trapped in his cage, as of the fact that he comes from the wild, he was not tamed to live in a cage or by the presence of a human, and so this must be some horrible experience for him.

 Because of the thought I had (about we should set him free), I would try and get him out of the cage to be free for a bit, and with limits within my room so he doesn’t escape. So as I went to the cage, he would already start to breathe fast, and make some soft whistling sound, (and take his first poo, aiming somewhere outside the cage, of course) and as I would stuck my hand in the cage, he would jump around madly, with somewhere in between another poo taken, more than once. I have never caught him until this day. I am still trying.

All of the above was done with resistance until my brother came into my room, and spoke about the birdy, and the care taking. As he came in, he asked me who am I when I am taking care of this bird, who am I in the present moment of opening that cage door, taking the food/water out to replace it? He would go on to ask me this question, until I’d answer him, which I couldn’t, because who am I in that moment of doing it? I am not Julian, this is just a name with tags connected to it, linking all my information together of “who I am suppose to be”, none of it is me, I am Here not in the past, and what/how I do it within the moment of here, is who I am. So with birdy, I was basically only a point of resistance each and every time trying to connect with him, to let him see it is save he can trust me, I will not hurt him, but how can he trust me if he experience a point of resistance within me, every time when I am working with him, and trying to earn his trust?

At this moment, I had the realisation that I am not really taking care of this life form I had in my care and my responsibility, one that I am suppose to be one and equal with, in every breath of every moment, one I should be taking care off as I would take care of myself. So I realised this whole point where I could clearly see I was not taking care of him, and so it reflects back on me, showing myself that I am not really taking care of me, and myself. The concept I had of taking care (of myself or any living form) was all wrong, this brought a tear (or two) to my eye, which I could not stop for the first time in my life, I could not hold back my own reaction, so deep and strong was this realisation. In this same moment I also realised what LIFE is. I realised what shit we as humans do to this earth, the one and only thing that provides us with food/water, shelter, and LIFE, to be able to live here and experience the magnificence, to have that one chance (your life) to life as one as equal with all, taking care of all, the environment, the beautiful earth, instead of destroying it. All of this was realised within one moment. A moment of where I have to make a stance for myself, for life, for all as one and as equal.

This I will have to do step by step, beginning small, with little birdy in his cage and of how scared he is of me, taking it breath by breath, releasing the resistance and working in harmony with birdy, and instead within the moment of doing, actually expressing myself, enjoying replacing his food/water, taking care of him in a way as if I am the one in that cage, injured. Really taking take, and not just filling up of food/water. Because, how would you like to be taken care of, if you were to put in a cage, for protection, to get you healed up before you are set a free again?