Day 78 – Childhood Memories, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think back about my childhood memories to get that awesome feeling of being free and without any responsibility to where I was just a child, thinking about a whole inseparable family having an awesome time, whereas after this memory I will face disillusionment which is an experience where I don’t want to face the reality of here, but go back instead, starting to wish…

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish for an instant that I can go back to these times where I can relive these memories and be a child for just one more time, meaning I am not here, not accepted and allowing my physical reality for what it is.

I forgive myself for creating, accepting and allow myself to let this pattern within my mind be followed automatically every time I feel that I want to break free/away from my responsibilities (Which is my trigger point).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find comfort within these memories of my childhood, where I feel I can escape to into a different reality where I can just drift off, instead of being here, completing my goals and living my utmost potential.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself yet to let go of these memories, to free myself of this pleasurable burden that I am stuck with, to be able to life in the physical reality of what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see these memories of my childhood as pleasurable but also as a burden because of the negative emotions I experience afterwards.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an emotional bond towards the song “If I could walk 500 miles” Due to a holiday that I have with my family when I was younger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to relive my childhood memories when I think of this song, meaning it is a trigger point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall victim of this pattern whenever my trigger point has been activated, to then go back into my mind and experience a vague memory of my childhood with immense feelings attached to these memories.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to let go of these memories and the feelings attached to enable myself to enjoy the song for what it is in the physical reality of here, in the present. 

Day 77 – Childhood Memories

The memories of my childhood, as vague and clear as I can remember… I remember only a few of these good old memories of which I love to think about. So when this happens I really want to go back to that time and just relive it as it was back then. The feeling is quite intense, which at the end of the day results in the worst type of disillusionment.

The memories that I love to think about is the memories where we as a family would go on vacation to some awesome holiday resorts. I barely remember these memories actually and that’s the reason for why I say these memories are clear/vague. So it’s the same as a dream that you don’t remember, you know you dreamt last night but you can’t remember what.

Now the one instance I remember from my childhood was when it was the 3 of us (my two brothers and I) where we camped out somewhere with my parents, I have this vague memory of this place, it was located in the middle of nowhere between trees, a lot of trees, as well as  people for some reason. We had to carry wood, and made fire, had benches to sit on, and I remember my brother teasing me, as he always did. That’s the memory, but after this I would think of the same place, but on how we are on our way to this place. I remember it as a rainy day and on our way to this place the song played “If I could walk 500 miles”. I don’t know if this memory is of the same time period and same place, but its there with the first instance.

I know nothing else of this, just that I had this experience which I found way too awesome and that I loved it and the thought of it and every time I think of it, I want to go back there, relive that, and get my memories back/straight. Now the problem is, when I think of this memory/memories, it’s like a deep hole I am falling into, whereas the climbing out part (Disillusionment) is the worst. I will start to wish for this time again to come back for me to be able to go there again, for me to be small again, not having responsibilities – all this crap. Whereas this has an anchor on me, holding me back from embracing my reality for what I have now, and have to live now, as in the here, breath.

Day 76 – Fighting Myself, Part 3

When and as I see myself suppressing my words for when I want to speak up or communicate a point through to another human being, I stop and I breathe, to realise that I am here and that I should be directing myself within this conversation to what I want and need to say, and not to let my words be suppressed.

When and as I see myself getting angry at someone and want to walk away to cool down, I stop and I breathe, to relax myself and to assess the point, to see what it is and why it is that has aggravated me and deal with it.

When and as I see myself not living myself out to the world, to my utmost potential, I stop and I breathe to realise that I am just busy hiding again, behind a mask, and through doing this I am only hindering myself from becoming the person I ought to be. 

When and as I see myself creating conflict with myself I stop and I breath, I realise that this is not a way to resolve the issue that I am having, and through keeping on participating within this conflict I have within myself I am only worsening my situation and not making it any better or creating any solutions.

I commit and allowed myself to live out my words that I have acquired throughout the years of growing up, to say and to express, to be and to live my utmost potential for what is best for me, and for all.

I commit and allow myself to be here in the physical reality for what is here physically and to live it in each and every moment and breath.  

Day 75 – Fighting Myself, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep quiet and not speak up with other people when I want to say something or feel like I have to say something, to believe that this will have a negative influence on the relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that other people will judge me and think weird about me when I do speak up and from this point on forward not accept me for who I am.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will create conflict with other humans when I do speak up or say what I want to say, and because of this conflict that may be created I decide not to speak up, thus suppressing myself and my inner thoughts.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to create conflict within myself for not speaking up when I have the need to, for when I want to say my say but instead keep quiet about it.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to regret the fact that I didn’t speak up, and this wishing I could go back to the moment and correct it, putting myself in a loopy cycle of thoughts that keeps on taking me back to the experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep quite when I get angry and just walk away, instead of breathing, slowing down myself in this moment of anger to see why this anger were triggered in the first place, to then deal with it and also deal with the person in conversation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself and not allow myself to walk life equally in full expression of who and what I am, to hide behind a mask and hope that no one sees me.

I forgive myself for I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to speak up when need to, to say what I want to say in any given conversation, to let out what is hidden inside instead of just keeping it there.

Day 74 – Fighting Myself

So this is a point where I stop myself from being myself with other people, meaning I would tell myself not to say something, or do something because I think it will not be acceptable, or people will not accept me for what I say/do. This is where the conflict arises, it’s not a conflict where I would shout at myself, or get angry at myself, it all happens very calmly, on how I tell myself not to do or say something, whereas afterwards I will regret not saying it, which leads to the conflict part where I ask myself the whole time, why did I not do or say that, instead of keeping quiet.

This also happens when I get really angry like almost a rage, which is a very rare occurrence. If a situation arises where I get that angry because of what someone else is doing or saying towards me I would usually just walk away. When I walk away it’s because I feel like bursting and lashing out at the person – which I don’t want to do. But then again it is not helping me or the situation to just walk away from what is happening and supressing myself and my anger, which is probably the reason for my acne face that I am dealing with. When this happens, obviously in my mind afterwards I will be in a consistent battle with myself on how I could have handled the situation.

Now, to get to the bottom of this. Why am I suppressing myself, compromising myself for others in ways that they don’t even know or are aware of? Why do I let myself stop myself from expressing myself and saying what I want or need to say? Where did this all started, meaning the day I stopped saying whatever I felt like saying – I remember this time of my life, it was awesome. Somewhere I just stopped doing this to not step over boundaries, to keep people calm and let them keep on liking me, even thou I am compromising my freedom(In my mind) for them without them knowing anything about this.

This is a point of acceptance, wanting other people to like me, love me or whatever. Instead of me to be whom I am, say what I want to say even if it get people to jump on their horses, I became someone I am not just to please them.

Day 73 – Point of Resonance (mugging), Part 6

I commit and allow myself to let go of these images/thoughts within my mind that creates these scenarios where I or other people get hurt just so that I can dodge my responsibilities, not to attend these responsibilities and handle it off as necessary.

I commit and allow myself to see and realise the patterns that play out when these thoughts pop up in my mind, and through realising, and seeing these patterns to be able to stop them, to let them go and instead of participating in them any further, then to commit and allow myself to be able to accept the challenge and walk the point of responsibility through, allowing myself to be here within the moment, to see what I am capable of doing, and to see what I have to offer to the world as one and as an equal.

I commit and allow myself to stand equal with my thoughts, to stand as them, to accept these thoughts as mine, and from that point on to realise that what I am busy doing is wrong, and will have an impact on my reality and the reality of those around me, thus standing as one and equal with these thoughts I can now move with it to be able to change these thoughts, let go of it, and by doing so create a different resonance which will not attract these muggings and bad influences within my life.

I commit and allow myself to life out my utmost potential, for when I have a responsibility or duty to comply with, I will do so with no resistance toward it, to allow myself to live, to explore and to go out and experience the world, instead of resisting every opportunity I receive.

I commit and allow myself to live in the physical reality of here, for what I can see and observe with my physical eyes, to life for all and not just for myself and my own self-interest.