Day 82 - Forgotten Skills, Part 3

When and as I see myself feeling embarrassed due to some thoughts I have I stop and I breath, to realise the pattern that I have created and in this instant stop myself, breath, and let go of the thought pattern to realise that I don’t have/need to be affected by who ever is observing me, nor by their thoughts which I am not even aware of.

When and as I see myself feeling deprived from physical work with my hands, whilst reading a book, or just by occupying myself with something other than working with my hands, I stop and I breathe, I realise that this is a trigger point for the emotion, and in the moment stop myself from participating within it, as it will only bring me an empty feeling within myself, which is hindering my experience of the physical reality

I commit and allowed myself to explore and allow myself to experiment with my broken electronics to find out more about them and enjoying myself within the process.

I commit and allow myself to realise that this is something I am good at and don’t have to feel embarrassed by it, for this is an expression of myself which I like to explore and find out more about the world out there.

I commit and allow myself to do these things within the moment of breath, to realise that I am the responsibility of myself and my action and that I am the controller of my world, and what I do to explore the world with is in my hand and my expression.

I commit and allowed myself to live within the physical reality of here, within each and every breath, to be able to live out my fullest, utmost potential without limitations.

Day 81 - Forgotten Skills, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel deprived from my physical reality through not working with my hands by comparing the physical reality of here with that of my past, and realising I have not done anything with my hands to create or to take apart some form of object.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to tinker with electronics to feel whole, and not be lost within space and time by not doing it, thus be limited in my reality to experience and live within the physical of here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed about taking on an activity that was long forgotten, to feel that this activity was for a child only to experiment with and not a grown man.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect an idea of my childhood towards one in my present and through this idea create a believe that it is only for children to tinker and explore broken electronics, and through me doing such thing at a time where I am a grown man, I felt embarrassed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience such embarrassment through knowing that someone observed me in this instance and due the thought process that they are going through are influencing me, even though I don’t know what they are thinking, but assuming what they are thinking and by this creating the experience of embarrassment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never again touch any broken electronics due to this experience that I have undergo, and thus “deprive” myself from working with my hands, creating a desire which I could not fulfill.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall victim for having a desire which I can’t fulfill due to a past experience that I have created/generated in my own mind, without realising the effects which would follow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I would have flourished within this field of work just because of this interest I had within me for taking apart things and exploring it.

Day 80 – Forgotten Skills

I feel deprived of the physical reality through not working with my hands, physically. I remember from when I was a child, very young, I used to love taking electronics and tinker with them, taking them apart, putting them back together, investigating it and to find out how it worked. This was the greatest experience that I can remember from myself, exploring the technological world.

I was not fascinated by nature, animals, or other humans beings and on how they all worked, but by what they(humans) have created with their intellectual properties that enhances them, in living within this words with nature, animals and other humans. I always wanted to know what make things tick, that is the reason for why I took everything apart.

I later on stopped doing this for some odd reason which I do not know why, it just stopped. Maybe it’s because there was no more random electronics laying around to take apart, and then when I found it I would horde it for some time until I realise I am not going to do anything with it and then just chuck it into the garbage bin.

Even that stopped, where I just didn’t do anything with any broken electronics anymore – except for once when I did take something that was broke to be stripped. But this time I was a grown man, where as I almost felt embarrassed for wanting to do this. Felt like I had to hide this side of me where I want to explore this broken thing (it was a broken LCD Monitor). Since then I have just never touched anything again because of this experience.

And now, today as I sit here – reading books about inventors and scientists that has so many things to do and to achieve in life, I realise that this one point within me where I would flourished if I were to choose it as a career choice, have I killed and smothered in my process of growing up, of just not doing it anymore.

Why I also say this is because, no matter where I am people always asks me to fix their broken stuff for some reason they believe I can, or have the magical touch to make something work, and by surprise it will work after I am done with it – why have I not yet pursued this part or skill that I have within my life yet? This has come to bother me, and this is a point to be express and realised to be able for me to work on it again, to change my ways into that of which I am good at.

Day 78 – Childhood Memories, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think back about my childhood memories to get that awesome feeling of being free and without any responsibility to where I was just a child, thinking about a whole inseparable family having an awesome time, whereas after this memory I will face disillusionment which is an experience where I don’t want to face the reality of here, but go back instead, starting to wish…

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish for an instant that I can go back to these times where I can relive these memories and be a child for just one more time, meaning I am not here, not accepted and allowing my physical reality for what it is.

I forgive myself for creating, accepting and allow myself to let this pattern within my mind be followed automatically every time I feel that I want to break free/away from my responsibilities (Which is my trigger point).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find comfort within these memories of my childhood, where I feel I can escape to into a different reality where I can just drift off, instead of being here, completing my goals and living my utmost potential.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself yet to let go of these memories, to free myself of this pleasurable burden that I am stuck with, to be able to life in the physical reality of what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see these memories of my childhood as pleasurable but also as a burden because of the negative emotions I experience afterwards.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an emotional bond towards the song “If I could walk 500 miles” Due to a holiday that I have with my family when I was younger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to relive my childhood memories when I think of this song, meaning it is a trigger point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall victim of this pattern whenever my trigger point has been activated, to then go back into my mind and experience a vague memory of my childhood with immense feelings attached to these memories.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to let go of these memories and the feelings attached to enable myself to enjoy the song for what it is in the physical reality of here, in the present. 

Day 77 – Childhood Memories

The memories of my childhood, as vague and clear as I can remember… I remember only a few of these good old memories of which I love to think about. So when this happens I really want to go back to that time and just relive it as it was back then. The feeling is quite intense, which at the end of the day results in the worst type of disillusionment.

The memories that I love to think about is the memories where we as a family would go on vacation to some awesome holiday resorts. I barely remember these memories actually and that’s the reason for why I say these memories are clear/vague. So it’s the same as a dream that you don’t remember, you know you dreamt last night but you can’t remember what.

Now the one instance I remember from my childhood was when it was the 3 of us (my two brothers and I) where we camped out somewhere with my parents, I have this vague memory of this place, it was located in the middle of nowhere between trees, a lot of trees, as well as  people for some reason. We had to carry wood, and made fire, had benches to sit on, and I remember my brother teasing me, as he always did. That’s the memory, but after this I would think of the same place, but on how we are on our way to this place. I remember it as a rainy day and on our way to this place the song played “If I could walk 500 miles”. I don’t know if this memory is of the same time period and same place, but its there with the first instance.

I know nothing else of this, just that I had this experience which I found way too awesome and that I loved it and the thought of it and every time I think of it, I want to go back there, relive that, and get my memories back/straight. Now the problem is, when I think of this memory/memories, it’s like a deep hole I am falling into, whereas the climbing out part (Disillusionment) is the worst. I will start to wish for this time again to come back for me to be able to go there again, for me to be small again, not having responsibilities – all this crap. Whereas this has an anchor on me, holding me back from embracing my reality for what I have now, and have to live now, as in the here, breath.

Day 19 – Music & Ego, Part 3

When and as I see myself creating a reality/illusion within the form of a memory in my mind while listening to music, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is only the ego within my mind, my self-interest, and that it is not reality, where as I support myself within this point through breathing and bringing myself back to the physical reality of now.

When and as I see myself creating barriers between me and my friends/family/girlfriend or whoever I may come into contact with, within this memory, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is only a memory that my mind has made up, it is not real, supporting myself through breath, realising each and everyone is equal.  

When and as I see myself denying the fact that life has moved on, I stop and I breathe. I realise that the past is long gone, the memories that I have not made as a teenager are also long gone, and cannot be new “made up Memories” within my mind as this takes me out of the physical reality of now and instead creates illusion, realising this I can stand as one and equal with the made up memories of me being young and free, and from this point on direct myself within the breath, the moment, as the physical reality, here.

When and as I see myself desire the perfect girl to have as my girlfriend, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is only a mind construct, believe and there is no such thing as a perfect someone just for you, and to realise we are all equal, with the support of the breath, in the moment of here as the physical reality.

When and as I see myself thinking that I am special in some way or another, I stop and I breathe. I realise my ego is creating separation within myself and the reality around me, hindering my experience with the environment and the people around me.

When and as I see myself being trapped within myself and not being able to escape, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is only my mind holding me back, and by this realisation an understanding I support myself through breathing, and bringing myself back to the physical reality of the here and now.

When and as I see myself fearing what others might think of me whenever I speak up, or do something, I stop and I breathe. I realise that the thoughts other people have about me are just thoughts, nothing real as of the fact that a thought within itself is just a thought and as an end result, does not need fearing.

When and as I see myself defying myself based on the words of others, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is abuse towards myself, self-abuse, change myself into someone for who I am not and basically living a lie.

When and as I see myself feeling depressed, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is just emotions based on past events which is not real, and that I am giving power to it and allowing it to control me, and through doing this I am busy disabling myself, not being able to be expressive within the moment, as here and not.

When and as I see myself being controlled by my ego, and the song I am listening to, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is only a song with music and lyrics, and the emotions/memories attached to it is my own doing, and through this understanding, I take responsibility for self and what I have created and from this point on forward, within the breathe I direct myself to be here, in the physical reality, with the realisation that the ego is not real, only that of which I can see and feel with my physical being is.

I commit myself to stand as one and equal with the emotions/attachments within this made up memory of mind, and from this point forward, to direct myself to breathe, and to release to let it go.

I commit myself to live in the physical reality of now, in the breath, to see and realise that I am one and equal with my surroundings, and the people I am in contact with.

Day 17 – Music & Ego

I want to talk about music today, as of the fact that I am sitting here, listening to a song from the band ‘Blink 182’, it is called - Man Overboard. It has always been one of my favourite songs, especially for the ego.

Every time I hear this song, I remember an instance within my life, a reality that I have lived within once upon a time, many, many years ago... This reality was real. This reality was where I, Julian was the best, coolest and most intellectual dude you could have ever met; I had the girl of my dreams, I had the friends, and I had the awesome gifts of life, to be with these important people of my life, every night hanging out having fun and being young (and wild, if you wish?). Picture a time of your life where you had no responsibility, the only thing you had was basically fun and laughter, your parents took care of you.

As time passes by these things decay, and life moves on, but not with me, this just kept on going, forever and ever. I don’t know where forever ends, I assume this word is longer than it presents itself to be, or is it just me? Within this song I am listening to, I have no clear picture of how this memory goes on, but the memory is there, just vague. I had the love of a woman, I had the love of friends, and I had the laughter of a child with no worries in this world.

In this memory I am running in the streets, like a crazy kid would do who is listening to the kind of music that will make you just go all out within the expression of the moment, this is me expressing my inner self through what the music makes me feel, where I do not give a shit about what other people, and their thoughts may be about me. I am free from the systems, patterns, indoctrination/imprints and mind constructs that fucks me up. I am basically in this memory of me, free.

But within all this, there is a moment of quietness, a moment of deep sadness and loneliness running through this song. Why is that? Am I really free in this memory that is so real, or is this my ego playing a dirty game with me?

Nothing in this song and the memories it recalls is real. This writing/memory above is non-existing.

This is only the ego and the self-interest of the ego; everything should revolve around this ego, and if this ego does not get what it wants, well then you are going to have a bad time. It will drag you through depression, loneliness, emotional times etc. And all just for the fact that it can’t get what it wants.

This is how the ego plays dirty, it can take any song you are listening to, where it can relate your situation with, and make you Feel and attach Emotions to, just to drag you down to earth, if not underground.

 How does one fix this? Definitely not by feeding your ego with what it wants, but rather getting rid of it, piece by piece, bringing yourself to realise that life is here, in this moment as physical reality exists, there is no need for the ego.

Next post I will do SF, my starting point for where the eradication of my ego will begin.

Day 5 – The Extraordinary Experience

First experience, very common but extraordinary, is it not? Your mind see it as extraordinary, because there is something new that you have experienced, can live out, explore, something else you can be – for example my very first time I played a computer game. It was mind blowing, I could not believe what I was experiencing, how wonderful and awesome it was, to run around in an artificial world shooting other people, or building my very own war base to conquer my greatest enemy, or to constructing my own city and be the ruler of all, or my favorite type of game… Where I can run around defeat creatures and explore the world that was created for me.

But, what happens after the second or third time experiencing these cool types of games these “new extraordinary experiences”? It starts to faint, and become normal. You get used to it, it seems to be very ordinary, and you get bored with it. Now you realize there’s something missing and you want to go out in the world and find more and more of these games to play to fill this ‘gap’ or ‘hole’ you have created by not being satisfied with what you have, and had experienced. You keep on remembering the first time, how awesome it was, but it seems that this effect just isn’t there anymore, with a horrible fallback, of sadness and emptiness, remembering only the good old times...

This is the point I want to make, with everything in life it works like this, and through this process of ‘how my mind was programmed to perceive it’ I have fucked myself. I find no interest in anything I do, or want to do because I know how it will end, in just another daily activity, or interest being repeated with a sad memory of the very first time where it was so new, so extraordinary to me, and referencing it to where I am now, and it just doesn’t feel the same anymore.

Now the pattern works as follow: Through recalling memories from the past, from your first experiences if it was an extraordinary experience, with the emotions and feelings attached to the memory it is taking away the moment of now, of living in the present. It takes away all of the new possibilities, the new experience, the new extraordinary, the PRESENT of now.

This is where the first principle of what I live by comes into action - Realising and living my utmost potential to realise that this is all just programs/patterns imprinted into my mind, with some feelings and emotions attached to it and to work through it by writing myself to freedom, and while doing so, to live out my utmost potential in every moment of breath even if it is through playing computer games.

Extraordinary Dictionary Definition - Beyond what is ordinary or usual: Highly unusual or exceptional or remarkable

Imprint Dictionary definition - We imprint our ideas onto our children