Day 77 – Childhood Memories

The memories of my childhood, as vague and clear as I can remember… I remember only a few of these good old memories of which I love to think about. So when this happens I really want to go back to that time and just relive it as it was back then. The feeling is quite intense, which at the end of the day results in the worst type of disillusionment.

The memories that I love to think about is the memories where we as a family would go on vacation to some awesome holiday resorts. I barely remember these memories actually and that’s the reason for why I say these memories are clear/vague. So it’s the same as a dream that you don’t remember, you know you dreamt last night but you can’t remember what.

Now the one instance I remember from my childhood was when it was the 3 of us (my two brothers and I) where we camped out somewhere with my parents, I have this vague memory of this place, it was located in the middle of nowhere between trees, a lot of trees, as well as  people for some reason. We had to carry wood, and made fire, had benches to sit on, and I remember my brother teasing me, as he always did. That’s the memory, but after this I would think of the same place, but on how we are on our way to this place. I remember it as a rainy day and on our way to this place the song played “If I could walk 500 miles”. I don’t know if this memory is of the same time period and same place, but its there with the first instance.

I know nothing else of this, just that I had this experience which I found way too awesome and that I loved it and the thought of it and every time I think of it, I want to go back there, relive that, and get my memories back/straight. Now the problem is, when I think of this memory/memories, it’s like a deep hole I am falling into, whereas the climbing out part (Disillusionment) is the worst. I will start to wish for this time again to come back for me to be able to go there again, for me to be small again, not having responsibilities – all this crap. Whereas this has an anchor on me, holding me back from embracing my reality for what I have now, and have to live now, as in the here, breath.

Day 61 - Inferiority Towards Intelligence

Today I have met a client, that had the intellectual level of people I am used to talk with... where, within my occupation I am used to speak to people that are less educated, and doesn't capture information as fast as an educated person does. I had difficulty maintaining the interest level of this person, and at some point rather felt inferior towards the words that this person used, mainly because I did not understand them or I am not familiar with the slang - I did not expect these things in the conversation, as I am in a comfort zone.

Also, I felt inferior because of the fact that I could not hear properly, I had the flue for about a week and a few days now, where as my ears are kind of blocked, meaning I can't hear what people are saying, so half or almost all of my concentration lies within trying to hear this person speaking, and then at the same time trying to concentrate on what has been said, and then be able to directly reply. Which I found to be difficult, I have asked probably with every second statement/question for the person to repeat themselves, where as after a while I would start with back-chat, and then this would be followed up upon with me feeling inferior because of the situation - not hearing well, and someone using a high level of vocabulary.

Because of this, after the appointment with my client, I felt as if I had let myself down or as if I had failed myself with this person and the creation of a sale. I had stopped the back-chat within this, which assisted and supported me, not creating any de-motivational feelings toward my goal, or holding me back, but instead took it as a learning curve for next time. With this I had realised myself how important vocabulary is, for I was not able to speak and communicate effectively with this person for I have missed a few words.

Day 57 – Speaking Up

So, this week that had just passed I have realised that I am not playing a game anymore while working. This means that I am not nervous anymore when I have to speak to another person while on the job. I have realised that shit just got real and that I need to act like it, instead of been a clumsy guy trying to communicate with a total stranger.

Meaning, I was anxious every damn time I had to open my mouth and speak to a person, which showed where that person could see it, and it created an effect where they could see that this guy is "weak" in terms of communicating with someone else. This had an impact on me and my information I had to give over to the other person. This had resulted in a situation where they would not take me serious, where they probably thought that I am a phony or something of the sort.

This has now turned around, when I do speak up, I am able to present my information that I have, doing so clearly and effectively. This has been a game changer for me since I have realise this point, to realise that I am speaking in confidence, that only now am I able to take myself seriously of what I am doing, and by realising this and walking within my words has it only had good results for me. 

Day 49 – Dealing with Fear, Part 3

When and as I see myself fearing for my life when an epidemic is taking place somewhere in the world, I stop and I breathe. I realise that by fearing this won’t solve my problem, but instead just raise the risk for my own health and well being.

When and as I see myself giving away my power to a fear, allowing it to control and consume me, I stop and I breathe, I realise that this fear is not real, and only made up from my own thoughts and outside knowledge which I have acquired.

When and as I see myself fuelling this fear by creating more and more thoughts within my mind, and creating a fear of loss within this, I stop and I breathe, I realise that the fear isn’t real, and it is only my mind that is putting me in this position, allowing myself to breathe and support myself by realising this to correct my thoughts, and the pattern that it is following, stopping the vicious cycle where my mind creates thoughts based on fear which creates more thoughts and fear... etc.

When and as I see myself wanting to rest, because of the believe that I have, I stop and I breathe, i realise that it is my mind that requires this rest because of a pattern that my mind is following, and that I am not actually physically tired.

When and as I see myself wanting to be lazy, I stop and I breathe, I realise that this is not being me productive, and living my utmost potential and just a lazy pattern I am following, and by following this pattern, I will create a fear for the future.

When and as I see myself wanting to reward myself out of working hard for a short while, i stop and I breathe, I realise that I am only now getting started and that there is no need for rest, for I am young and strong and I have done more hard work than this before, that I am capable of doing what is necessary and giving my utmost potential within what I want to do, and want to achieve.

When and as I see myself sitting back to relax, believing that I will just receive everything from out of nowhere, I stop and I breathe. I see the pattern in this moment, and realise that I should not be sitting still but, actually stand up and go get myself that of which I want to achieve for it shall not be granted to me for free or by not doing anything.

When and as I see myself fearing the future because I am not moving forward at present, I stop and I breathe, I realise I should not fear the future, stop these thoughts about the future and instead start directing myself in the way I want to go.

When and as I see myself not moving, not having self-direction, I don’t stop but, I do breathe and while doing so, I realise that I need to direct myself within each moment of breathe, as here in the physical reality to get myself moving forward and not allowing myself to stagnate within where I am now at the present.

When and as I see myself taking advantage of a situation to be able to rest, I stop and I breathe, i realise that by taking this advantage of the situation will not only have an impact on me, but on other people as well, meaning I live in a point of self-interest and not taking other people into consideration, for when I am standing still, a part of our business is also in a static point in time, not moving forward.

When and as I see myself fighting with my own mind because of a fear I have generated, I stop and I breathe, I realise that both sides of my brain is.. Well mine, and so I should not divide my mind into two side and let them battle, for I am only fighting with myself, where as I can now stop this silly act and instead life out self-direction and self-responsibility within the moment of here, present.

I commit and allow myself to be here, to be in the breathe, to realise what I am doing within the moment, and to see if I am not being directed by self, and by realising this, to take on the self-responsibility to get myself moving in the direction I need to be moving.

I commit and allow myself to stop my fears for they are not real, only made up thoughts within my mind, which creates this reaction within me and then starting to take my life over, and instead to stand as one and as equal with these thoughts and fear to be able to change it for who it is, and to get rid of it for it is not real.

I commit and allow myself to direct myself in the direction I need to go, to allow myself to take on the challenge and responsibility of what life is giving me in the present and give it my all and my utmost potential, unconditionally.

  Get a move on, for more info on memories and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 47 – Dealing with Fear

What is it to fear? This word is so unfamiliar, but familiar. I have experience in an intense level at some point of my life, I was about 9 or 10 years old when this experience has come over me, to control me, and take me over to a point where I could not control myself. I remember that there was some kind of flue or virus in circulation around the world and that many people had died from this virus, and I feared that it would be me, or my family, fearing that I might lose everyone I love or die myself.

In this time of my life, I was a little boy, and the only way I could deal with this was by... crying, because of this raw sickening feeling in my stomach and all the thoughts running through my head of what’s going to happen if they die, or are no more, or when they are sick, and then I had to keep this inside of me while at school, which was the worst. I remember that every day in that time period, I was wondering in every moment if my parents would pitch up after school to pick me up, if they’d still be alive. When they did arrive, I would start to burst out in tears of fear, because it had to come out somehow, and even when I was with them, this fear controlled me to believe that they would die sometime soon, this kept on going for weeks.

But after this whole experience and knowing what it is to experience fear, I could identify it every time this feeling would show itself. As today it did.

The last 2 days has been slow with my work, and I was mostly on the farm, trapped in this whole bubble of I need rest to be able to work effectively, but as this kept up obviously  my business was slowing down, and nothing moving there really, until today, when I realised that I can’t just sit here expecting that life will happen by itself, and then this sickening feeling struck me again, but this time not because of a virus in the air (Yes, I am aware of the Ebola Virus Outbreak in Africa) but, the future, my future and what I am going to do with this future I have in my hands. How I am the responsible one to move myself within each moment of breathe, as here. To be able to move forward and make a change within the lives of others, as this is my goal, to build a better tomorrow, and through doing this, I have to work with me, make the change inside of myself to be able to move in the direction I want to go.

With this fear that I had just now, I was starting to ask myself questions, which the fear brought up, where as they consist of my decisions that I have made, if I made the correct ones, and if I should have stayed where I were before coming to the farm.  This again was then countered by me, where I made a statement, convincing myself that i have made the correct choice... but in essence I have only started a small war within my head, 2 sides battling against each other to determine which choice was the correct choice..

And that is why I am writing here, Self-correction, self-responsibility, self-direction and self-improvement, to be able to improve the world that I am living in, for all.

Next post will be SF.

Get a move on, for more info on memories and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 42 – Poverty is Real, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have lived my life in ignorance not taking in account other people and their situation, just so that I can live my life to be successful without caring, and being unconditional.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form an idea about people that I have never even met before, ripping me from my ability to be able to stand as one and as equal with them, to be able to handle them as if they were my friend, and not some bad person that’s only capable of destruction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as better and superior toward poor people just because I have more money, and a bigger house than they have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from these people just because of this idea that I have of them that they are “bad” or “dangerous” people.

I forgive myself that I ahve accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is normal for some people to have it all, and some to have nothing at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience separation while driving in these poor neighbourhoods, to feel that I am not a part of these people, and that I do not belong here, and that I don’t have to be here to witness it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish that I was not in that area in that moment, because I wish that I did not see these people and the real situation that they are in, because it creates a negative reaction within me, a fear that I might be one of them one day, that I might end up like them one day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I am in a collision with reality, by not wanting to accept this reality for what it is, and to feel that I want to get out of there because this is too much to see/handle for me at this moment, to see so many, thousands of people suffering every day just because of this inequality within our world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to avoid reality, and wanting to do so by going home and hide behind the computer, where everything is fine, no problems, no people suffering and no people begging for money/food but only me and my “safety zone”, escaping reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for these people, and by this feeling being directed to want to go out of this place, instead of staying and helping, not by giving food/money but giving them a chance to educate themself to be able to work themself out of this situation. (By giving the people money/food will only encourage them to keep on doing nothing but beg, give them a permanent solution, not a temporary one.)

 Get a move on, for more info on memories and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 41 – Poverty is Real

My whole life I have been living in middle to upper class areas, from pre-school up to high school and college, I have worked in an upper class area known as Rivonia, Sandton, probably the richest part of South-Africa. I have never really seen poverty, maybe a small town or two outside of where I lived, with poor people living in shacks struggling, but it did not really bother me. It felt kind of normal, because everybody can’t be rich, who’s going to be the person cleaning my house, standing at till points swiping my items through the scanner when I buy it, or fuel up my car at a petrol station, right? They have to live somewhere, and in my mind, that was their area, seem normal for me.

I never in my live had the chance to go into one of these areas, always been told that it is dangerous, and we should not try to enter it, they will steel everything from you, and maybe kidnap you, or murder you etc. So here was this idea within my mind about these people, the people living in poverty, the people we allow inside our homes to clean it, or to take care of our gardens. The people who struggle to survive. The people I don’t want to help because of this idea.

So, the idea of helping them never came up in my mind, and so it did not really bother me. It’s not me who’s trapped in that situation/poverty, I was not the one to be born into that world, I am here and this is my life which I have to make a success of, as should they with their lives... as a gardener, sure.

Until about 2-3 months ago, when I arrived in PMB, away from Gauteng which is known as the heart of our economy/country, where here in PMB all you can see is poverty, almost all that you see are shacks and little houses filled with massive families, struggling to survive, which still didn’t bother me as much because I thought of it as the same concept, until about 2 days ago, when I started to explore more in depth of what is going on, and see how they really lived.

This was not planned, it just kind of happened with my new business partners, we had to infiltrate new schools to sell our software to, and the more we explored into this territory, the more I realised that it had no end. These neighbourhoods are unbelievably big, the amounts of people are uncountable, schools are stacked with learners, and buildings are falling and breaking apart. The toilets in these schools look like shit, no other words to explain, and for a school of about 400 kids, there is only one male and one female bathroom, to be shared among them all.

These people live in real poverty; they go to school for free, where the school has to provide the kids with lunch because the parents can’t afford to give them food/money. Some of these schools can’t even provide this lunch, meaning about 400 kids or more starve every day just to attend school, and this is only in one school (a small schools). There are about 4-6 school in this area alone, 3 would be in the same area in this neighbourhood next to each other, whereas another 3 schools will be a kilometer or 2 away, all with 400-800 kids in, probably starving, with my partner at the end of the day telling me how far they have to walk each afternoon, some go as far as 15km, because they can’t afford a taxi ride of just R6.

As the days progressed with me experiencing the poverty, driving through these areas that I was told never to enter, I realised one thing, my whole life I have been living a luxurious life, never have to worry about where I am going to find food or water, or a place to sleep, or thinking will I be safe tonight? I don’t know what that is, I have never experienced it and so I realised that this way of thinking I have, is not acceptable.

The reaction within my mind was kind of weird, it was like an image within my mind that clashed with reality as I saw it, telling me this is not real, this should not be real, wtf are we doing to our fellow human beings? No one deserves to live a life like this where they can barely survive.  

Change is needed.

 Get a move on, for more info on memories and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 39 – Ego and Rejection, Part 2

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to take a situation personally, when it was purely meant for a moment of only helping someone out, and not suppose to be a moment for ego boosting, and by taking this situation personal allowing myself to get angry for what has happened.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel rejected within this situation and by feeling rejected creating a negative reaction where I get angry at the person for what has happened, allowing them to get to me and make me feel that my ego is being “hurt”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pass on information with an alternative goal of only gaining an ego boost, where my ego can feel proud of the knowledge it has within and are able to pass on, instead of doing it out of pure innocence, to help the person understanding the program better, and to be more effective through my knowledge I have to give.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be offended by the rejection of my knowledge because of the believe I have, where I believe that one should listen to me when speaking about the program just because of my 2 years experience that I have with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry, and to take it to such a point where it almost feels like my blood is boiling, instead of assisting myself within the breathe to be able to stand within myself, as here and as self direction and responsibility, because through getting angry and seeing red won’t solve the issue where the other party don’t have the time at the specific moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a clouded mind because of my ego and not being able to identify the situation for what it is, and by not being able to identify it, I just jumped in with no concern of the other persons situation, basically just reacting upon my own self-interest and what I think is best for the person and their knowledge at the present time, instead of thinking what is best for all within this situation and the most effective solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react upon this self-interest, to use this knowledge as a way to get attention to give myself a little boost with the ego, and being rejected upon this, to become angry.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to use hunger as an excuse for my anger, and to get out of this situation with no conflict, dodging a point of self-honesty/responsibility that I have to face, resolving the issue here in this moment instead of postponing it to a later stage in time.

 Get a move on, for more info on memories and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 38 – Ego and Rejection

Reactions, a negative, angry reaction I experienced the other day while trying to pass on some knowledge about a designing program and what one can do within the program to create some effects, effectively, while the person working the computer/program rejected me and my advice.

I started to explain the concept and what the cool advantages are for the person the program and then went on to show this to the person, basically to give them a quick example which would take 10 seconds literally, but as it turns out the person was under a lot of stress/pressure and had a lot of work to do, meaning they are in a rush... and while this was the case, my interference was not helping at all, thus resulting in the rejection of my help, which I in return took personally.

What went through my head was thoughts about the fact that I know what I am talking about, I have more than 2 years experience in this program, and there should be no need for this rejection when you are still learning the program, why not take my advice & example and use it, which will make the doing of the work more time effective.

After all this a started to feel like I am bursting in fire, my veins felt like they were red hot and ready to boil, but instead of feeding this anger, I just stopped and breathed, while doing this, I just reacted in a way to avoid conflict at all costs. I stepped back, made a remark about how hungry I am and that I will be leaving to feed myself and just get out of there.

 So, why did I get angry then? May be my ego which was popped in the moment of rejection, and self-interest being “damaged”, and by the fact that I think that I know-it-all within this program,(the self-interest point/ego) and now that someone doesn’t want to listen to me, I am being offended. My ego is being “hurt”, and that infuriated me, instead of just passing on the information without having an alternative goal - ego wanting to show off its knowledge.

The point of self-interest lies in where I want to be the only one knowing this stuff and helping people with it, so meaning people will be kind of dependant on me for help with the program, a way of getting attention, and this attention will be for my ego then... to make it “grow”. Basically games people play to get things their way.

 Get a move on, for more info on memories and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 37 – Responsibility with stables, Part 3

When and as I see myself getting lost in thought, I stop and I breathe, I realise that by being in my thoughts while physically working I am not here with in the moment busy with my task at hand, thus can’t do it to the best of my abilities.

When and as I see myself resisting the fact that I have to clean a stable, I stop and I breathe, I realise that by resisting a responsibility will only slow me down in doing the task, and not giving me any effective solutions to doing it any quicker.

When and as I see myself following the pattern where I think I don’t have to do something to the best of my ability, I stop and I breathe, I realise that my viewpoint of the matter is not what is best for all, and that by thinking this, it influences my ability to do my task to the best of my ability.

When and as I see myself believing that I have better things to do than taking care of a horse’s stable, I stop and I breathe, I realise by acting this way is not what is best for all, only a point of self interest, and by realising this I can stand within one and equality towards this point of self-interest to change my viewpoint and my care taking of the horse’s stable.

When and as I see myself wanting to shift the responsibility of my stable onto someone else on the farm, I stop and I breathe, I realise that I am not the only one with responsibilities and by wanting to shift the weight is not fair of me, and only a point of self-interest.

When and as I see myself wanting my time for me and myself, to do whatever, I stop and I breathe I realise that by giving my energy to this thought is only creating more self-interest within me, and more resistance towards my responsibility, meaning I will not be able to live in the physical reality of here, but in my mind on what I could have done with my time if it was not to be spent here at the stables.

When and as I see myself playing out the pattern of reward, where I think I need to be rewarded for whatever I have done, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is only a point of self-interest, and by wanting a reward for everything I do is just not possible, nor is it unconditional as all my actions should be when standing as one and as equal with life.

When and as I see myself creating the wrong idea within my head because I am not rewarded with fun or quality time spent with the horses after the stables has been cleaned. I stop and I breathe, I realise by thinking this is only a self-interest and my reward pattern playing out, and by thinking this, it is only slowing me down and creating a negative experience within me, instead of doing the cleaning unconditionally and within the moment of here.

When and as I see myself only want to do a stable halfway because I am filling in for someone else, I stop and I breathe, I realise by cleaning the stable only halfway for someone else is not standing as one and equality, also meaning that I am not doing it unconditionally or living by the principles that I choose to live by.

I commit and allow myself to let go of my resistance towards cleaning of the stables and doing my part, and to instead breathe in the fresh air around me and help taking care of life, one step at a time.

I commit and allow myself to breathe through the resistance and to stand as one and equal within my creation of resistance to be able to change it towards this point, through breathing and letting go whilst standing up to go and clean the stables given to me.

Day 36 – Responsibility with stables, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to life in the moment of here, doing my stable in a way of just getting it finished (half heartedly), instead of doing it the way I should, all because of the fact that I am living in my mind in some other non-existing reality, instead of being here with my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like cleaning this extra stable is a burden for me at this moment, to feel that I could have done something else within this time, letting my mind wonder of and following it to where ever, instead of breathing in the fresh horse poop air (... hehe) and be here enjoying life, to have the privilege to experience life with farm animals and the care taking of them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the cleaning of the stables is not my responsibility, but someone else’s and therefore I do not have to clean it up to the standard of what is expected, creating thoughts of resistance within this moment of believe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the idea of “I have better things to do with my time” when the responsibility is given to me, creating thoughts within my mind when at stables cleaning them, thoughts where I am busy doing other “enjoyable” things like playing computer games, or watching series.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist the point of going to the stables, wishing I do not have to do it so early in the morning, especially when I have been given a second stable to clean.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist cleaning up the stables, not wanting to go there, through doing this creating a drag in the actual physical cleaning of the stable, instead of breathing and allowing myself to clean the stable, where as this will make me more effective in doing so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to shift the responsibility that has been given to me upon someone else for it is not my stable to clean, because of a point of self-interest, where as my time will be used and that I do not feel like giving it.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to be selfish with my time, not wanting to spend it on someone else, because I have a believe that I deserve this time for me, because there is a reward system still within my mind where every deed I do needs a reward given, meaning I am not living to my fullest potential, unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I need to be rewarded for everything I do, thus creating a resistance within me while doing the stable because it feels like I am not being rewarded but instead being punished.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that cleaning the stables is a punishment toward me for I have no actual horse to look after, for I have no connection to any of the horses, for I have no “fun” or “joy” with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed these thoughts to cross my mind and to accept them as a believe and through this acceptance I have created an inequality within me and towards the horses creating the experience of caring for them negative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do the stable halfway and leave the hard work for the next person who are going to clean this stable, making it just more difficult for them.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to stand within oneness and equality with the horses, and the care taking of the horses, for they are the ones spending 12 hours in that confined space, and so it has to be clean and most comfortable as possible and thus must not be influenced by me for my self-interest that plays out in the moment of the cleaning and care taking. 

Get a move on, for more info on memories and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 32 – Limitations Through Tiredness

I have realised yesterday after a very long day out with work, that I am limiting myself in such a clever but, stupid way. I limit myself through recording my hours that I am not home, doing what I want to do.

Let’s say I go out 8 of the clock in the morning, and come back home again at 8 of the clock, then I have recorded myself to be out for 12 hours, and then I tell myself that I am tired now, I want to rest now, not do anything but rest. Meaning watching series, browsing the web or just play a simple game, not even a real game like an RPG, or FPS, because I am tired, and need to rest myself, whereas I think these games will take too much energy, really Julian?

So this limitation goes on with not only games, it was only an example, but also with everything else I do. I tell myself that I am too tired to work on my Wed Development Project that I have, postponing it to the next day thinking that I will have the energy then, whereas this pattern will just repeat and I will be tired again.

The best part is, I am actually not even tired, I just tell myself this so I will look tired (and then get tired because of this thought) so that other people can see I am tired, and then they realise I am tired where they can say to themselves... “Hey, Julian had a long day of work because look at him he’s tired, so we can excuse him for not doing whatever responsibility he has.” In this instance, my responsibilities are to continue with my Web Development Project and my writings (blog) as I am doing right now.

This thought of tiredness that I send out, limits me, no one else, I’m just busy fooling myself, not even the people around me because they know the principles, they know the limitations and patterns that play out, and know that I have to work on this, push through this and do my part, as an example of living life to the fullest of my potential, as one and as equal.

To basically stop this limitation, to stop thinking that I am tired, to stop procrastination and postponement of my responsibilities, to stand as one and as equal with these creations, systems, patterns and limitations that I have created, and from that point on, change where needs to be changed, to become and effective human being, delivering my utmost potential as life.

Get a move on, for more info on memories and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 30 – Into the Deep, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not feel the car, and enabling me to drive it with confidence, but blaming the 6 gears and clutch for my baddriving that I am practicing, where as I would generate a feeling of nervousness and then start making mistakes, not being here within the moment of now, and driving.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make excuses for why my driving sucks in the new area, and why I am on my nerves instead of being self-honest, get to the point of the problem and deal with it, within the assistance of breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a believe system within my mind, that I am a quit person, and through this believe limiting myself from exploring, going out in to the world and be myself and be confident within speech when I have to use it to get information from other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be limited by wanting an example of how something must be done, instead of going out there, doing it myself and explore the world with all it’s possibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not be directive within the moment, but instead waiting on my brother to speak up and make the choice for us, being afraid of what might happen if I go to a building to speak to someone and find out information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for wanting to have no responsibilities, and instead rely on my brother to take the responsibility that we share within that moment, among the three of us.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid to take on my own challenges that is given to me, not taking the chance when the window of opportunity presents itself within the moment of discussion, an opportunity for me to explore myself for who I am in a situation where I am being thrown into the “Deep Side” of things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be unable to create my goal of what has to be achieved within this day, directly after I have been given the information of my objective, creating the problem where I have no self-direction, or idea what to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be clouded by the reaction of nervousness within my body, not being able to move forward with self-direction within the moment as the breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always want to rely on my brother, as of the feeling of safety I get, having a small comfort zone bubble with me when he is around, knowing that he will have my back when I can’t control the situation with my speech when dealing with other people, instead of being here, in the moment with self-direction, knowing where I want to go, and what I need to do to get to the end point of this goal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always want to look at my brother for an answer, or a solution to the problem, instead of being in the moment, slowing it down, through breathing and see the answer/solution to the problem/challenge and then speak up with what I have realised the solution or answer may be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give the lead of where things are headed in any situation to my brother, instead of standing up for myself, being here in this moment of physical reality and take the lead within walking in self-direction/realisation within each moment of breath to create the outcome of the situation in the way it is needed to be created - the most practical solution.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to take on the challenge, the responsibility and the lead whenever the opportunity presents itself, whereas I may have the way to beat the challenge, to overcome it in the best practical way possible.

Day 29 – Into the Deep

Today I am going to talk about being thrown into the deep, within a situation and my struggle to move within this moment, as I have a brother which I am relying on. I went out for a business trip together with my brother and his partner today where as I was given the chance to drive for the first time in 2 months, not knowing the roads, or how the people react and drive within this area, and a new car, with 6 gears and a clutch that’s extremely high. . Whereas I am used to a car with 5 gears, a low clutch and a familiar area where I can predict and know how people will react and drive.

So this was the first instance, it was not so bad but, it did get me to be a little bit nervous while driving and for the rest of the day every time I drive I’d feel these nerves. As the day progressed we got to a point, where as this is the second instance... We had to go see people and that’s all I knew, thought it was an appointment they made, so as we got there my brother and his partner randomly told me that we have to work in groups to go and see people, we have never met or made an appointment with. Remember this is a business trip; we go out and see people to generate leads, to be able to get our product out there, to make a difference, as of the fact that this is an educational software product that we are selling.

They said we need to split up into 3 groups, where we will choose 3 buildings, and then go to the building of choice, and just randomly introduces ourselves to the receptionist telling what and why we are here, putting our goal out there, so that they can get us to a person to speak with, so that we will be able to get into the building and the people working in it, effectively.

Now, the deep side for me is... I am not a person who just goes out and start talking and exploring with random people to sell a product to, this is a believe system that I have created for myself, a limitation, not only within selling stuff, but in general as well. All my life I have told this to myself, and I have no reason why. Is it because I am a quit person? A person that likes being alone, and not around a lot of people? No, this should not be the case, I am only going in there for 5 to 10 minutes to generate a lead and then I am out, no need to be an extrovert for that, just a need for confidence, self-direction and a goal, short, direct and sweet, if the need for small talk arises, sure I can do that. But, the fear, the nerves, the thoughts of what’s going to happen when I do walk in there, scared me, what should I say I have no goal at this moment, no direction, and no confidence because I need the first two options... What if I mess this up? All these thoughts pop up into my mind, creating scenarios and shit, which will never come true, and if it does come true, damn, just deal with it (Even thou they did give me a goal, where as I should give myself direction, and confidence within the moment).

Now, I was against this, I wanted an example from someone to see how it is done, and then I can follow the lead to go alone. I did not say anything, just waited for my brother to speak up... It did not happen, so his partner said, “Ok, we need to get going” and so he went to a building to do his thing, with me and my brother just standing there, me of course waiting for my brother, and he probably waited for me to do something, and then after a few seconds he suggested a building, and we went there, us not splitting apart.

So my point is... I am reliant on my brother, as I was since the day I can remember, for the last six/seven years where he was not around, I would have done these things, but not today. As soon as he is nearby, I always look at him for an answer, wanting him to take the lead, wanting him to take the responsibility and challenges. Not me doing these things on my own and this is one of my biggest points I have to work through where I want my brother to take the responsibility, and show me the way. Otherwise for as long as I have him around and not working through this point, I will always be reliant/dependant on him, and not making my own choices, taking on my own challenges, not taking on my own responsibility and will never be able to move forward as an individual within self-direction within this world.

Day 27 –The Realisation of What it is to Care, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on a responsibility against my will, not wanting to take care of another being and be responsible for its survival, for the sake of my time that is going to be consumed by this decision all because of self-interest, wanting my time for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a decision on an assumption that I have made, whilst not knowing the condition of the animal that I have to take care of now, that I have made my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist the point of taking care of Birdy, instead of breathing, be in the moment and give him his food/water, and take care of him to get well faster, to be free.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in another moment of time, while doing the cutting up of fruit, cleaning of water, and cage, instead of being here with what I am doing now, taking care of this newly found life form that I have discovered to be in the hand of me, my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think this is a waste of time, to look after the bird, as I was in the mind set of wanting to set it free, endangering it to get tired out there in the wild, not be able to eat, or fly for safety, and maybe dying of natural causes, where as it could have survived if he had the full strength of its body, after being taken care of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise what the consequence of my thoughts might have been if this line of thought had been kept up with me and the care taking of Birdy, not realising that this is LIFE, the essence, we are suppose to be the care takers, not the destroyers, as we act out to be the destroyers of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a believe system that we as humans has to be the care takers, not the destroyers of this world, instead of living here in the moment as one, as EQUAL with each being as we are all the care takers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take care of myself as I would for the bird, or any other living being for that matter, resulting in a poor life quality, where I will not be able to be functioning, thus not living in the moment of here, and not being able to take care.

Day 26 –The Realisation of What it is to Care.

The realisation of what it is to really take care of another life form. In this instance a little bird, that has been injured, do not know how thou but, I was giving the responsibility to look after him for the next few weeks or so. I am going to call it birdy, short and sweet.

At first I said yes I’ll do it but, with hesitation because I know this is going to take a moment out of my day that I have to spend with the bird, giving him food/water, cleaning his cage and then my room, he seems to like it to aim outside of the cage when taking his poo, shooting all over, maybe he has a personal best record which he wants to break on how far he can get that poo to go? Anyway, this time I was not really willing to give away for this bird, I felt he needed to be set free, but is too weak to be set free, so from the first moment of this responsibility I received, I was doing it just because I have to, and for the worst I did this with resistance, a lot of resistance.

I have birdy for a week and a few days now, and within this whole time every morning when I would wake up, I would do my own thing first, taking “care” of me, self-interest. Then after a while I will give him food, with the mood of I don’t want to do this man, come on, this is my time being wasted, all because of the thought that we should set it free of course.

In this time, I have tried to let him free in my room, just to give him some space and not to be trapped in his cage, as of the fact that he comes from the wild, he was not tamed to live in a cage or by the presence of a human, and so this must be some horrible experience for him.

 Because of the thought I had (about we should set him free), I would try and get him out of the cage to be free for a bit, and with limits within my room so he doesn’t escape. So as I went to the cage, he would already start to breathe fast, and make some soft whistling sound, (and take his first poo, aiming somewhere outside the cage, of course) and as I would stuck my hand in the cage, he would jump around madly, with somewhere in between another poo taken, more than once. I have never caught him until this day. I am still trying.

All of the above was done with resistance until my brother came into my room, and spoke about the birdy, and the care taking. As he came in, he asked me who am I when I am taking care of this bird, who am I in the present moment of opening that cage door, taking the food/water out to replace it? He would go on to ask me this question, until I’d answer him, which I couldn’t, because who am I in that moment of doing it? I am not Julian, this is just a name with tags connected to it, linking all my information together of “who I am suppose to be”, none of it is me, I am Here not in the past, and what/how I do it within the moment of here, is who I am. So with birdy, I was basically only a point of resistance each and every time trying to connect with him, to let him see it is save he can trust me, I will not hurt him, but how can he trust me if he experience a point of resistance within me, every time when I am working with him, and trying to earn his trust?

At this moment, I had the realisation that I am not really taking care of this life form I had in my care and my responsibility, one that I am suppose to be one and equal with, in every breath of every moment, one I should be taking care off as I would take care of myself. So I realised this whole point where I could clearly see I was not taking care of him, and so it reflects back on me, showing myself that I am not really taking care of me, and myself. The concept I had of taking care (of myself or any living form) was all wrong, this brought a tear (or two) to my eye, which I could not stop for the first time in my life, I could not hold back my own reaction, so deep and strong was this realisation. In this same moment I also realised what LIFE is. I realised what shit we as humans do to this earth, the one and only thing that provides us with food/water, shelter, and LIFE, to be able to live here and experience the magnificence, to have that one chance (your life) to life as one as equal with all, taking care of all, the environment, the beautiful earth, instead of destroying it. All of this was realised within one moment. A moment of where I have to make a stance for myself, for life, for all as one and as equal.

This I will have to do step by step, beginning small, with little birdy in his cage and of how scared he is of me, taking it breath by breath, releasing the resistance and working in harmony with birdy, and instead within the moment of doing, actually expressing myself, enjoying replacing his food/water, taking care of him in a way as if I am the one in that cage, injured. Really taking take, and not just filling up of food/water. Because, how would you like to be taken care of, if you were to put in a cage, for protection, to get you healed up before you are set a free again? 

Day 22 – Uncertainty, Part 3

When and as I see myself separating myself from the words that I am about to speak, I stop and I breathe, I realise that I am the creator of these words that I am about to use, and should stand as one and as equal with them, as of it is mine to be expressed through me within the moment and the physical reality of now.

When and as I see myself fearing the words that I have created, I stop and I breath, I realise this fear has power over me, only if I give it the power needed to be in control of me, and with this realisation I assist myself through breathing, and being here in the physical to move through this point, and to see there is no need for fear, for my own words that I create.

When and as I see myself not standing as one and equal with my words, creating uncertainty, I stop and a I breathe, I realise these words are mine to use, as I am the creator of these words, and so do not have to be uncertain of it, while seeing that it is mine, so should I stand within them, as I express it.

When and as I see myself doubting my own words through known facts/personal experiences I stop and I breathe. I realise these events/information lies within my body, as mine and that I have no reason to doubt it, for it is mine, integrated within my physical body.

When and as I see myself creating scenarios in my mind before and event, i stop and I breathe, I realise this is a pattern playing out, and through this realisation I breathe and bring myself back to the moment of here, where as if I would continue I would create unnecessary stress for myself and the words I am about to use.

When and as I see myself just rambling of with my words, and not being self-directive with what I want to say, I stop and I breathe,  or rather slow down in this situation, and realise that I am not making sense, or speaking in confusion.

I commit and allow myself to be directive with my words that I want to use while speaking, saying what I need to say, and being certain within my words as I speak them.

I commit and allow myself to enjoy my conversations I have with other people, not to rush it off and get it over and done with.

I commit myself to express myself within the moment of conversation, saying what I want to say, and be creative, but sure to get the message across.

I commit myself to breathe in, before speaking, and as soon as I start to breathe out, to speak my words loud and clear in the correct order without being in a hurry to get it over and done with.

I commit myself to be here, in the present moment of the physical reality that I experience.

Day 20 – Uncertainty

How I have found out about my uncertainty (In terms of speaking out loud) was actually through being certain within my words, and the concept of what I was trying to portray while I was speaking with my brother and a friend the other night.

It was a moment where I could talk with no struggle, I had the words laid out in my mind, I could see them, I could feel them, and best of all I could express these words out loud with certainty, knowing what I was about to say and exactly how and in what order.

After the moment had passed I could not believe myself, this was true I had no struggle as I usually have while trying to explain something to someone. I actually aced this conversation and the explanation. I was cool after it all, phew, so don’t worry about a scene of some nervous clumsy guy getting excited about an accomplishment.

BUT, this opened up a whole new challenge for me; within my whole life that I have lived thus far I have always had a struggle with the explanation of something when putting it into words, or just talking for this matter. I have always struggled to speak out loud without being nervous, or rushing off with my sentence just to get it out and done with, instead of relaxing, and enjoying the moment of where I can talk, and tell someone more about me, or the experience I had, or just find out more about the person I am speaking with. Everything was done through a struggle, and this struggle was because I was uncertain of what I wanted to say, or how to say it, or did not know the facts so well to speak it out loud, explaining it to someone else with confidence.

This was me, since always. The only time I can remember where I was able to speak out of certainty, or with confidence was at my old job, where I was the only graphic designer, and through working with designs and the programs, I had to be certain of myself and what I was busy with doing, so whenever someone had something to say/ask, I could explain with confidence, but anything out of the graphic design region, would made me struggle, be uncertain and nervous.

So, I take on the challenge, to be certain with what I want to say/explain/express or whatsoever, even if it contains facts, or vaguely events I can’t remember too well, I will be certain with the words I know and how to speak them. I will assist myself through this challenge by breathing, to slow myself down in the moment, to see the words that I want speak out loud, to feel the words and to express myself within these words, for the words that I am about to speak is mine, as my living expression within the physical reality of here and now.

Day 18 – Music & Ego, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a reality within my own mind, as a memory through listening to music, for the sake of self-interest, and my ego, where this ego gets everything that it wants enjoying every moment of it, until it brings me back to reality, to set me off in sadness, depression, longing for such a life, wanting my childhood back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe within this memory that I am the best, the coolest and most intellectual being of all, creating a barrier between me and my fellow  equal human beings, dividing us in separation and not standing as one and equal with them within this memory, where as my ego is the one “standing out” above all with these ideas/concepts of self within this memory I have created within this song.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that this is just a made up memory where I feed my ego with power over me, allowing it to control me within the moment as I am listening to the song “Man Overboard”.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to accept the fact that life has moved on, that I have responsibility now, that I have responsible for myself and no one else is responsible for me, and whatever I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire the girl of my dreams, while I know that this girl does not exist, because it is a made up mind construct of believe, where one believe that there is this girl out there specially made just for you, instead of realising that all is one and equal, none is better than the other, or special in some kind of way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am special within this memory that I have made up when listening to this song, to think that there is something about me, that I have and others does not have creating separation within me and the physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel trapped when I experience disillusionment when the memory is done playing within my mind, when thinking of where I am free, and not bound by the systems and patterns of the mind, and through experiencing this, feel depressed, sad and trapped within self, and the world around me, not able to move within the moment of breath in the physical reality.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to worry/fear what other might think of me, that there words and thought have an influence on me and the way I react and do things within this world, That I accept and allow their words and thoughts to shape me into the person I think I am today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by the words and thoughts of others, abusing myself through living in a lie, where I believe I am who I am because of what others tell me to be, through me accepting these words, instead of standing as self, in the moment of breath as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lonely/sad when listening to this song because of the fact that none of these memories are true, and through this, actually enjoying the sadness, because somehow somewhere I might get attention out of it, even if I am hiding it for everyone I know.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by the negative emotions/attachments toward this memory I have created within my mind by listening to this song.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my ego play games with me, controlling my emotions and in the end controlling me, deciding for me what to feel when, and for how long.

Day 17 – Music & Ego

I want to talk about music today, as of the fact that I am sitting here, listening to a song from the band ‘Blink 182’, it is called - Man Overboard. It has always been one of my favourite songs, especially for the ego.

Every time I hear this song, I remember an instance within my life, a reality that I have lived within once upon a time, many, many years ago... This reality was real. This reality was where I, Julian was the best, coolest and most intellectual dude you could have ever met; I had the girl of my dreams, I had the friends, and I had the awesome gifts of life, to be with these important people of my life, every night hanging out having fun and being young (and wild, if you wish?). Picture a time of your life where you had no responsibility, the only thing you had was basically fun and laughter, your parents took care of you.

As time passes by these things decay, and life moves on, but not with me, this just kept on going, forever and ever. I don’t know where forever ends, I assume this word is longer than it presents itself to be, or is it just me? Within this song I am listening to, I have no clear picture of how this memory goes on, but the memory is there, just vague. I had the love of a woman, I had the love of friends, and I had the laughter of a child with no worries in this world.

In this memory I am running in the streets, like a crazy kid would do who is listening to the kind of music that will make you just go all out within the expression of the moment, this is me expressing my inner self through what the music makes me feel, where I do not give a shit about what other people, and their thoughts may be about me. I am free from the systems, patterns, indoctrination/imprints and mind constructs that fucks me up. I am basically in this memory of me, free.

But within all this, there is a moment of quietness, a moment of deep sadness and loneliness running through this song. Why is that? Am I really free in this memory that is so real, or is this my ego playing a dirty game with me?

Nothing in this song and the memories it recalls is real. This writing/memory above is non-existing.

This is only the ego and the self-interest of the ego; everything should revolve around this ego, and if this ego does not get what it wants, well then you are going to have a bad time. It will drag you through depression, loneliness, emotional times etc. And all just for the fact that it can’t get what it wants.

This is how the ego plays dirty, it can take any song you are listening to, where it can relate your situation with, and make you Feel and attach Emotions to, just to drag you down to earth, if not underground.

 How does one fix this? Definitely not by feeding your ego with what it wants, but rather getting rid of it, piece by piece, bringing yourself to realise that life is here, in this moment as physical reality exists, there is no need for the ego.

Next post I will do SF, my starting point for where the eradication of my ego will begin.