Day 29 – Into the Deep

Today I am going to talk about being thrown into the deep, within a situation and my struggle to move within this moment, as I have a brother which I am relying on. I went out for a business trip together with my brother and his partner today where as I was given the chance to drive for the first time in 2 months, not knowing the roads, or how the people react and drive within this area, and a new car, with 6 gears and a clutch that’s extremely high. . Whereas I am used to a car with 5 gears, a low clutch and a familiar area where I can predict and know how people will react and drive.

So this was the first instance, it was not so bad but, it did get me to be a little bit nervous while driving and for the rest of the day every time I drive I’d feel these nerves. As the day progressed we got to a point, where as this is the second instance... We had to go see people and that’s all I knew, thought it was an appointment they made, so as we got there my brother and his partner randomly told me that we have to work in groups to go and see people, we have never met or made an appointment with. Remember this is a business trip; we go out and see people to generate leads, to be able to get our product out there, to make a difference, as of the fact that this is an educational software product that we are selling.

They said we need to split up into 3 groups, where we will choose 3 buildings, and then go to the building of choice, and just randomly introduces ourselves to the receptionist telling what and why we are here, putting our goal out there, so that they can get us to a person to speak with, so that we will be able to get into the building and the people working in it, effectively.

Now, the deep side for me is... I am not a person who just goes out and start talking and exploring with random people to sell a product to, this is a believe system that I have created for myself, a limitation, not only within selling stuff, but in general as well. All my life I have told this to myself, and I have no reason why. Is it because I am a quit person? A person that likes being alone, and not around a lot of people? No, this should not be the case, I am only going in there for 5 to 10 minutes to generate a lead and then I am out, no need to be an extrovert for that, just a need for confidence, self-direction and a goal, short, direct and sweet, if the need for small talk arises, sure I can do that. But, the fear, the nerves, the thoughts of what’s going to happen when I do walk in there, scared me, what should I say I have no goal at this moment, no direction, and no confidence because I need the first two options... What if I mess this up? All these thoughts pop up into my mind, creating scenarios and shit, which will never come true, and if it does come true, damn, just deal with it (Even thou they did give me a goal, where as I should give myself direction, and confidence within the moment).

Now, I was against this, I wanted an example from someone to see how it is done, and then I can follow the lead to go alone. I did not say anything, just waited for my brother to speak up... It did not happen, so his partner said, “Ok, we need to get going” and so he went to a building to do his thing, with me and my brother just standing there, me of course waiting for my brother, and he probably waited for me to do something, and then after a few seconds he suggested a building, and we went there, us not splitting apart.

So my point is... I am reliant on my brother, as I was since the day I can remember, for the last six/seven years where he was not around, I would have done these things, but not today. As soon as he is nearby, I always look at him for an answer, wanting him to take the lead, wanting him to take the responsibility and challenges. Not me doing these things on my own and this is one of my biggest points I have to work through where I want my brother to take the responsibility, and show me the way. Otherwise for as long as I have him around and not working through this point, I will always be reliant/dependant on him, and not making my own choices, taking on my own challenges, not taking on my own responsibility and will never be able to move forward as an individual within self-direction within this world.