Day 68 – Point of Resonance (Mugging)

Today I am going to write about the point of resonance within me and the world around me for the fact that I have been mugged twice last year, and yesterday almost again. Luckily for me, I have dodge it and knew the scam due to a security guard for when I was still working in Johannesburg that had warned me about it.

What happened yesterday was, I went to a school to arrange an appointment with them, whereas after this arrangement I decided to go the school just across this one, there were two schools in one location. Now the street I had to cross to the other school, was to the entrance of the field of this second school, meaning I had to walk around the school to the next side of it, which meant there was a corner that I had to cross. At this corner two guys approached me, at first harmless, asking for money – but persistently, only want R2 from me… why would anybody be so persistent to get a R2 only?

So this happened, we were the only three people in this whole street, no car, no other observers, nothing. As I told this guy no which I did probably 5-7 times he kept on asking me, with every ask he would get closer and closer to me, almost standing against me and blocking my way to walk straight, with his buddy standing also at a point where he is blocking me but just further away.

This was when I decided to stop walking and take a step back, looked the guy in the eye and told him NO, I don’t have money on me, and ditched to the side to dodge him, then walked on to my destination. As this happened the guy followed me, dangerously close to me, and again asking a lot of times for money. Where I stopped again and said no, but this time as I stopped to say no, he grabbed my hand, and pulled me in – obviously I pulled out - kind of like two children harmlessly fighting for nothing. I don’t know what would have happened if it wasn’t for the two cars in the road that had passed us, but as soon as this guy saw the two cars he left my arm and let me go, where I just walked away, in a good pace to get inside of the school yard. Looking back every few steps to see if they are not sneaking up on me or anything, where at the gate I waited for a min to see if they leave the corner or not – which they didn’t.

At the school, I made sure to spend as much time there as possible. Afterwards I asked the security guard at the school to open up the back gate of the school to let me out there so that I don’t have to cross the corner again – safety first.

Previously, in the year 2013 when I still had a job in JHB before leaving for my new occupation here in KZN, they mugged me twice in 6 months. First stole my tablet out of my car – while I was in the car. Second time they gun pointed me wanting my mobile phone at a traffic light.

Why I mention this is because I have a point to look at here, my resonance. What is it that I am resonating out in this world, which people would want to mug me and steel my shit for, why am I attracting these things?

To be Continued

Day 56 – Took an arrow to the knee, Part 3

When and as I see myself fear in a situation of danger, not realising that the fear might be the cause of real danger, or casualties, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this fear is in control of me, and that I should get rid of it, by assisting myself through breathing and letting go of the fear, to realise that this fear is only made up out of thoughts, and is not real.

When and as I see myself not being in control of myself because of an event that took place, I stop and I breathe, to slow down the moment, to slow down my body that is in automation - meaning it can go wrong anytime - and realise that I should be in control, that I should trust myself to be in control of my own body, and then only then move it with self-direction whilst being in the breath, the moment of here.

When and as I see myself fearing that I might be lost and never be found by anyone, I stop and I breathe, I realise that I am not too far gone from where I originally am, and that I will find my way.

When and as I see myself fearing that I might walk into violent and abusive people I stop and I breathe, I then slow down the moment, to see why am I fearing something that's not here within the present, but a future event created within my mind, by me, and then realise that this is just a thought, and that it is not real, thus I am O.K.

When and as I see myself being blazed with fears, and allowing these fears to overwhelm me in a matter of a few seconds, just to be gone, I stop and I breathe with the realisation that it is not real, only thoughts and that I am here, as the breathe, within the physical reality, observing and expressing and living life, with nothing to fear, or stop me from living my utmost potential in any giving moment.

I commit and allow myself to live in each moment as self-direction, to let go of my fears with the realisation and the knowing that it is not real, but only a thought, and by knowing this allowing myself to live my utmost potential in each and every breathe I take.

Day 55 – Took an arrow to the knee, Part 2

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a blaze of fear just as I hit the ground, realising that I have hurt my knee, not being able to walk/work effectively, fearing that I might not get away from that location, and be left behind by the people, and get lost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to control my actions after the incident, resulting in fear of what might happen, instead of being here, breathing through the moment to support myself with the pain I am experiencing and my thoughts that are about to rock through my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear for my leg, that it might be broken, instead of being calm, breathing and assessing myself and my leg to see what is going on with it, and to see if it is fine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear in the moment of the incident, to be controlled by the actions/events that took place, and not be in control of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will get lost, and never be found again, have to spend the rest of my days surviving all alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will get lost, and then be found by random strangers that are violent, abusive, or even murderers, so fearing for my life, the fear of death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go down this path of fears, fearing to a point where I thought it could even be my life being taken away from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I might catch a fire on the ground, and burn myself to death - resulting in jumping up, adding heavy pressure on my damaged knee/leg without seeing/realising the consequences, instead of being calm and get up with the leg that is fine.

Day 54 – Took an arrow to the knee

 I didn't literally took an arrow to the knee, otherwise I would not be sitting here typing, but I did take a rock to the knee, and it hurts like hell. How this happened was because of a fire here in the valley, and we were called out to help put it out.

As we arrived, we started to put the fire out, we were a team of 5 guys with fire beaters. Now while the fire is out there blazing hot in the fields, you can see clearly, even though it looks like you are in some kind of Elders Scroll game: Oblivion. So, as the fire dies out because of our man power with these fire beaters, it became dark, almost pitch black and this is where I tripped on a massive rock and fell face first on the ground. I managed to do this because of the 3 jackets I had collected, meaning my hands were full.

Now as I fell and hit the ground where my knee jammed into this massive rock and hurting it, I instantly started to fear of what might happen to me as I was here all alone in this field (the other people already left on foot, in a hurry to the next location of the fire) with my leg feeling almost numb whilst my knee felt like its been cut off, I feared for my safety, feared that I might get left behind, and be lost.

Meaning - because of these fears I tried to stand up as quickly as possible to get off the hot ground, and to catch up with the other people I realised that I was crippled because of my knee. This is when I started to experience even more fear, here I am in an unknown field which just burnt down, in the dark and no one in sight thinking/fearing I might have broken my leg as the pain spiked throughout my whole right leg as I stepped on it, with no one to help me. Suddenly realising that I am also out of breath, because of this shock and fears.

This is when I realised that fear is any man's downfall, and that a person have to deal with these fears to get rid of them, to get along, to be able to stand up for yourself, to stand up tall in any situation and not let your mind and it's fears get in the way.

Day 49 – Dealing with Fear, Part 3

When and as I see myself fearing for my life when an epidemic is taking place somewhere in the world, I stop and I breathe. I realise that by fearing this won’t solve my problem, but instead just raise the risk for my own health and well being.

When and as I see myself giving away my power to a fear, allowing it to control and consume me, I stop and I breathe, I realise that this fear is not real, and only made up from my own thoughts and outside knowledge which I have acquired.

When and as I see myself fuelling this fear by creating more and more thoughts within my mind, and creating a fear of loss within this, I stop and I breathe, I realise that the fear isn’t real, and it is only my mind that is putting me in this position, allowing myself to breathe and support myself by realising this to correct my thoughts, and the pattern that it is following, stopping the vicious cycle where my mind creates thoughts based on fear which creates more thoughts and fear... etc.

When and as I see myself wanting to rest, because of the believe that I have, I stop and I breathe, i realise that it is my mind that requires this rest because of a pattern that my mind is following, and that I am not actually physically tired.

When and as I see myself wanting to be lazy, I stop and I breathe, I realise that this is not being me productive, and living my utmost potential and just a lazy pattern I am following, and by following this pattern, I will create a fear for the future.

When and as I see myself wanting to reward myself out of working hard for a short while, i stop and I breathe, I realise that I am only now getting started and that there is no need for rest, for I am young and strong and I have done more hard work than this before, that I am capable of doing what is necessary and giving my utmost potential within what I want to do, and want to achieve.

When and as I see myself sitting back to relax, believing that I will just receive everything from out of nowhere, I stop and I breathe. I see the pattern in this moment, and realise that I should not be sitting still but, actually stand up and go get myself that of which I want to achieve for it shall not be granted to me for free or by not doing anything.

When and as I see myself fearing the future because I am not moving forward at present, I stop and I breathe, I realise I should not fear the future, stop these thoughts about the future and instead start directing myself in the way I want to go.

When and as I see myself not moving, not having self-direction, I don’t stop but, I do breathe and while doing so, I realise that I need to direct myself within each moment of breathe, as here in the physical reality to get myself moving forward and not allowing myself to stagnate within where I am now at the present.

When and as I see myself taking advantage of a situation to be able to rest, I stop and I breathe, i realise that by taking this advantage of the situation will not only have an impact on me, but on other people as well, meaning I live in a point of self-interest and not taking other people into consideration, for when I am standing still, a part of our business is also in a static point in time, not moving forward.

When and as I see myself fighting with my own mind because of a fear I have generated, I stop and I breathe, I realise that both sides of my brain is.. Well mine, and so I should not divide my mind into two side and let them battle, for I am only fighting with myself, where as I can now stop this silly act and instead life out self-direction and self-responsibility within the moment of here, present.

I commit and allow myself to be here, to be in the breathe, to realise what I am doing within the moment, and to see if I am not being directed by self, and by realising this, to take on the self-responsibility to get myself moving in the direction I need to be moving.

I commit and allow myself to stop my fears for they are not real, only made up thoughts within my mind, which creates this reaction within me and then starting to take my life over, and instead to stand as one and as equal with these thoughts and fear to be able to change it for who it is, and to get rid of it for it is not real.

I commit and allow myself to direct myself in the direction I need to go, to allow myself to take on the challenge and responsibility of what life is giving me in the present and give it my all and my utmost potential, unconditionally.

  Get a move on, for more info on memories and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 48 – Dealing with Fear, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear a virus, to fear that I might get sick, to fear that my family might get sick, and from this sickness die, leaving me behind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my energy to this fear, feeding it in such a way that it has power over me, controlling me in every moment of the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be enslaved by this fear, that was generated through the news I heard over the television/radio, through hearing how dangerous it is, and the total deaths that was caused by it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate these thoughts in my mind where I would lose my family and be all alone and through these thoughts being controlled and entrapped by this fear not able to function normally, but instead wanting to cry and hide the whole time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my thoughts, that were not even real, but based on ideas and news that I heard, thinking it was already spreading wildly in South Africa, even when it was not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need rest to be able to function properly, and that without this rest I won’t be able to do my job effectively, but in reality I feel fine, meaning this is just laziness kicking in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lazy, and then wanting to react on it by going home and do nothing, at home, just watch series or playing games.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself into this bubble of rest, where I think I deserve it for working hard the past 3 days, letting my reward system get the best of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am entitled to have a day or 3 off because of the past 3 days of hard working, not realising that this has an effect on not only me, but my business as well, slowing me down with the progress that I want to see and make.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I will just receive everything in life on a silver platter, not having to work for what I want, instead of standing up, and go get/do it myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the future, for the fact that I am not working on it in the present, thinking that I will get nowhere within life, and by these thoughts, generating fear of the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand still for so long, instead of resting for one day or half a day and then get back to work, where as these actions of mine will have a consequence, and not by realising this, I instead keep on resting to a point where I start generating fears just to be able to move forward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose sight of my self-direction because of this feeling I get where I think/feel like I need rest, and that I can take advantage of the situation when it presents itself because of my hard work I had put into the past few days.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate a battlefield within my mind because of this fear, splitting my consciousness into two sides, battling against each other for which decision I made was the correct one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand as one and as equal with this fear, to embrace it and life it out, for when that is done, then I will be able to work through it effectively, see each point I have to deal with in order to make a change within myself and these thoughts I am having that generates this fear.

Get a move on, for more info on memories and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 47 – Dealing with Fear

What is it to fear? This word is so unfamiliar, but familiar. I have experience in an intense level at some point of my life, I was about 9 or 10 years old when this experience has come over me, to control me, and take me over to a point where I could not control myself. I remember that there was some kind of flue or virus in circulation around the world and that many people had died from this virus, and I feared that it would be me, or my family, fearing that I might lose everyone I love or die myself.

In this time of my life, I was a little boy, and the only way I could deal with this was by... crying, because of this raw sickening feeling in my stomach and all the thoughts running through my head of what’s going to happen if they die, or are no more, or when they are sick, and then I had to keep this inside of me while at school, which was the worst. I remember that every day in that time period, I was wondering in every moment if my parents would pitch up after school to pick me up, if they’d still be alive. When they did arrive, I would start to burst out in tears of fear, because it had to come out somehow, and even when I was with them, this fear controlled me to believe that they would die sometime soon, this kept on going for weeks.

But after this whole experience and knowing what it is to experience fear, I could identify it every time this feeling would show itself. As today it did.

The last 2 days has been slow with my work, and I was mostly on the farm, trapped in this whole bubble of I need rest to be able to work effectively, but as this kept up obviously  my business was slowing down, and nothing moving there really, until today, when I realised that I can’t just sit here expecting that life will happen by itself, and then this sickening feeling struck me again, but this time not because of a virus in the air (Yes, I am aware of the Ebola Virus Outbreak in Africa) but, the future, my future and what I am going to do with this future I have in my hands. How I am the responsible one to move myself within each moment of breathe, as here. To be able to move forward and make a change within the lives of others, as this is my goal, to build a better tomorrow, and through doing this, I have to work with me, make the change inside of myself to be able to move in the direction I want to go.

With this fear that I had just now, I was starting to ask myself questions, which the fear brought up, where as they consist of my decisions that I have made, if I made the correct ones, and if I should have stayed where I were before coming to the farm.  This again was then countered by me, where I made a statement, convincing myself that i have made the correct choice... but in essence I have only started a small war within my head, 2 sides battling against each other to determine which choice was the correct choice..

And that is why I am writing here, Self-correction, self-responsibility, self-direction and self-improvement, to be able to improve the world that I am living in, for all.

Next post will be SF.

Get a move on, for more info on memories and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 46 – Why Hesitate, Part 3

When and as I see myself hesitate to make a call because I can’t see the people I am about to talk to, I stop and I breathe. I realise that by stopping myself from doing my work, jsut by not knowing some things is only hindering me and my process of getting the job done.

When and as I see myself fearing the phone call that I am about to make, I stop and I breathe, I realise that this fear is created by me, and is not real, only an obstacle in my way which I have to overcome, and I can do so by assisting and directing myself within the moment of movement.

When and as I see myself fearing miscommunication with another human being, I stop and I breathe, I realise that this is just a communication barrier and that I can overcome this barrier through using different words, and being more clear whilst speaking, and through doing this also realising that fearing this point is only a waste of potential energy that could have being used in making me more productive within the moment.

When and as I see myself taking work personally because of communication barriers, i stop and I breathe, and within this moment I slow down this process to see and to realise what is happening, and by doing this see that I only have to use self-direction within the moment, from one person dropping a call only means that they did not understand me, nothing for me to worry or fear about.

When and as I see myself being impatient with people that does not understand me, I stop and I breathe, I put myself in their position to experience what they are experiencing, realising that I should not be impatient, because I would have wanted the person to explain the concept for me until I understand(when in their position), and instead direct the conversation to a point where we can both touch ground and understand each other, and only then explain the concept in a way they would understand.

When and as I see myself facing inequality within myself and my level of confidence, I stop and I breathe, I Realise that this will only hinder me, and then start directing myself in each and every moment, instead of just relying on concepts and ideas I have of myself.

I commit and allow myself to live in each moment of breath, being here in the physical as it exists, to direct self, to reach my fullest and utmost potential of each and every moment.

I commit and allow myself to stand as one and as equal with my inequalities I face within myself, and to walk with them as they are mine, to embrace them, and then as a final act, change myself in a way that is best for all.

Get a move on, for more info on memories and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 43 – Poverty is Real, Part 3

When and as I see myself caring only about myself and not taking in account the lives of others, I stop and I breathe. I realise by not taking into account other people and their lives are a point of self-interest a point where I only care about myself and what happens to me, and not them aswell, basically not standing as one and equal, nor standing for all life but only myself.

When and as I see myself forming an idea of people that I have not yet even met before, I stop and breathe, I realise that these thoughts of the people that I have and that I am creating about them are presumptions and this is not for who they really are, but instead that is how I treat these people then.

When and as I see myself as better or superior toward a person with no money/status, I stop and I breathe, I realise that I am this person’s equal, and so are they my equal, an none of us are superior/better than the other - for us all are one and equal.

When and as I see myself living in separation with other people just because they are poor, dangerous or have no education, I stop and I breathe, I realise that I am part of the people of this world, and so am I not separated by this, for us must move as one body together, because a body with only 50% working will not be effective/productive.

When and as I see myself dealing with poor people, and feel that I do not belong here helping them, I stop and I breathe, I realise by reacting up on this feeling will bring us no good, and that I am not being self-directive, but instead being directed with feelings/emotions.

When and as I see myself wishing that I am not there with the people, but behind a screen where I have no problems, I stop and I breathe, I realise that I am giving my energy away on an useless activity: hiding. By giving my energy away to this activity shows that I am not willing to face reality for what it is, and thus trying to escape, instead of standing up for myself, for life, and for all, to help and contribute my part in life, unconditionally.

When and as I see myself fearing that I might end up as poor as these people I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is a fear of the future, and this fear is created by me, for the future, meaning it is actually not real and that I am fearing life.

When and as I see myself clashing/colliding with my imagination/mind about what I am seeing in front of me with my physical eyes, I stop and I breathe, through this breath I realise that what I am seeing is real, and there is no need to deny this because what my eyes observe is fact, is reality, and there is no escape to it.

I commit and allow myself to face reality for what it is, and not try and to avoid it by hiding behind a computer, or in my comfort zone where I do not have to experience it.

I commit and allow myself to stand as one and as equal with each and every human being I encounter within each moment, no matter the age, sex, "race" or status they have.

I commit and allow myself to stand for live, to be here in every moment, to live life to my fullest potential, and to do what is best for all life, unconditionally.

 Get a move on, for more info on memories and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 29 – Into the Deep

Today I am going to talk about being thrown into the deep, within a situation and my struggle to move within this moment, as I have a brother which I am relying on. I went out for a business trip together with my brother and his partner today where as I was given the chance to drive for the first time in 2 months, not knowing the roads, or how the people react and drive within this area, and a new car, with 6 gears and a clutch that’s extremely high. . Whereas I am used to a car with 5 gears, a low clutch and a familiar area where I can predict and know how people will react and drive.

So this was the first instance, it was not so bad but, it did get me to be a little bit nervous while driving and for the rest of the day every time I drive I’d feel these nerves. As the day progressed we got to a point, where as this is the second instance... We had to go see people and that’s all I knew, thought it was an appointment they made, so as we got there my brother and his partner randomly told me that we have to work in groups to go and see people, we have never met or made an appointment with. Remember this is a business trip; we go out and see people to generate leads, to be able to get our product out there, to make a difference, as of the fact that this is an educational software product that we are selling.

They said we need to split up into 3 groups, where we will choose 3 buildings, and then go to the building of choice, and just randomly introduces ourselves to the receptionist telling what and why we are here, putting our goal out there, so that they can get us to a person to speak with, so that we will be able to get into the building and the people working in it, effectively.

Now, the deep side for me is... I am not a person who just goes out and start talking and exploring with random people to sell a product to, this is a believe system that I have created for myself, a limitation, not only within selling stuff, but in general as well. All my life I have told this to myself, and I have no reason why. Is it because I am a quit person? A person that likes being alone, and not around a lot of people? No, this should not be the case, I am only going in there for 5 to 10 minutes to generate a lead and then I am out, no need to be an extrovert for that, just a need for confidence, self-direction and a goal, short, direct and sweet, if the need for small talk arises, sure I can do that. But, the fear, the nerves, the thoughts of what’s going to happen when I do walk in there, scared me, what should I say I have no goal at this moment, no direction, and no confidence because I need the first two options... What if I mess this up? All these thoughts pop up into my mind, creating scenarios and shit, which will never come true, and if it does come true, damn, just deal with it (Even thou they did give me a goal, where as I should give myself direction, and confidence within the moment).

Now, I was against this, I wanted an example from someone to see how it is done, and then I can follow the lead to go alone. I did not say anything, just waited for my brother to speak up... It did not happen, so his partner said, “Ok, we need to get going” and so he went to a building to do his thing, with me and my brother just standing there, me of course waiting for my brother, and he probably waited for me to do something, and then after a few seconds he suggested a building, and we went there, us not splitting apart.

So my point is... I am reliant on my brother, as I was since the day I can remember, for the last six/seven years where he was not around, I would have done these things, but not today. As soon as he is nearby, I always look at him for an answer, wanting him to take the lead, wanting him to take the responsibility and challenges. Not me doing these things on my own and this is one of my biggest points I have to work through where I want my brother to take the responsibility, and show me the way. Otherwise for as long as I have him around and not working through this point, I will always be reliant/dependant on him, and not making my own choices, taking on my own challenges, not taking on my own responsibility and will never be able to move forward as an individual within self-direction within this world.

Day 4 – Waking up and the consequence, Part 3

When and as I see myself allowing the same thoughts to run through my mind each morning, and accept it as normal, I stop, I breathe, I take a moment to slow down to see the pattern that is playing out, and to realize that it is not real but only a program, and through this understanding, I direct myself to stand up from my bed, through breathing.

When and as I see myself being unmotivated through the thoughts I have in the morning and by comparing it to how my body feels when I wake up, I stop, Breathe I take a moment to slow down to see the pattern that is playing out, and then realize that this isn’t real and only a program, and through this understanding, instead direct myself to clear my mind from these self-destructive thoughts and by moving forward through breathing.

When and as I see myself doing the routine check in the morning with my body, I stop, breath and slow down the moment to see the pattern, and then realize that it isn’t real and only a program, and through this understanding, I instead stand up, and move my body to prepare myself some breakfast.

When and as I see myself thinking about my body as dying, because it feels weak, I stop, I breathe and slow down in the moment to see and realize it is only a pattern, and through this understanding, I instead direct myself to breathe in, breathe out and prepare something for me to eat, to get my strength up.

When and as I see myself wanting to sleep some more after my alarm has awaken me I stop, breathe and take a moment to slow down and see what pattern is playing out, and realize its only a program, and through this understanding, I direct myself to take on the responsibility to stand up, and move forward with my day without any limitations, and doing so through breathing.

When and as I see myself being lazy when instead I have something to do, like making myself breakfast or lunch, I stop, I breathe, I take a moment to slow down and see what pattern is playing out, and realize that it’s only a program, and through this understanding, Instead direct myself to get up and do what I have to take care of my body, and to stop the abusive pattern through breathing and moving.

When and as I see myself fearing the thought of hunger, and having a weak body by not eating, and to feel like eating out of fear, I stop, breathe, I take a moment to slow down and see what pattern is playing out, to realize this pattern is only a program, and through this understanding, instead direct myself to see if I am hungry or not, and make a directive my decision based on my physical feedback.

When and as I see myself having a thought about myself being a weak person, I stop, I breathe, I take a moment to slow down and see what pattern is playing out, to realize that it isn’t real but only a program, and through this understanding of that it is only a thought, I can let go of the thought as I realize that the thought within itself is only a thought and the only weakness as I give my power away to something that isn’t real, such as a thought in my mind.

When and as I see myself using the feeling of weakness to my advantage in situation where I am asked to do or take on a responsibility to get out of it, I stop, I breathe, I take a moment to slow down and to see what pattern is playing it, to realize that it isn’t real but only a program, and through this understanding, Instead direct myself to take on the responsibility and moving within doing it through breathing.

I commit and allow myself to change the thought pattern I awake with each morning by just breathing and to feel my body, as is.

I commit and allow myself to accept my body as it is in the morning whenever I awake, and to breathe within the moment to release any bad feelings/emotions/weaknesses within my body.

I commit and allow myself to make a proper breakfast for myself, feeding my stomach and powering up my body to be the most effective person I can be.

I commit and allow myself to work through my laziness when it strikes, by breathing through the moment of laziness, stand up and do what I have to do.

I commit and allow myself to take care of myself, to eat when I am hungry, and not let my body be abused by ME by not feeding myself with healthy food.

I commit and allow myself to walk fearless within each and every moment of the day, to realize I will not die or get weak instantly by not eating, to allow myself to prepare food and have a delicious meal to fill my stomach.

I commit and allow myself to be the person I am and not to defy myself by the way my body feels, or reacts during the day.

I commit and allow myself to keep my body stable by supply enough food to it, so that I do not get weak or powerless and then use it to my advantage, or to manipulate people by telling them how I feel.

Day 3 - Waking up and the consequence, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let thoughts run through my mind every morning and accepting it as normal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unmotivated for the day ahead when these thoughts run through my mind each morning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought about the way I might feel; if I will be able to do any of my tasks effectively, or if I will feel bad, or will I have enough energy to get through the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a pattern within my mind every morning with these thoughts and that I follow through with it because I see it as a “routine check” for my body and mood before my day starts, compromising the opportunity to be a well-off energetic and effective human being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my body is dying, and being abused by itself when the moments arrive when I feel physically down, and weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be irresponsible from the age of 7 to 21, by not making myself lunch for school, and taking care of myself as of the fact that my parents couldn’t do it because of work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a lazy kid, not feeding himself because of the laziness that has control over him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my body in a way that is not visible to anyone, but myself and to continue doing so by being lazy, or by wanting to sleep some more in the morning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a fear for not eating, and feeling weak afterwards, creating the effect where I will eat out of fear, and not out of hunger, force feeding my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am a weak person because of my body that may get weak easily if I do not eat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that there might be a hunger within this world one day, and that I will be the first to starve to death, to be the first player to receive the K.O status through this food depression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this feeling of weakness to my advantage when I get asked to do a responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this weakness of the body to manipulate people to do things for me.

Day 2 – Waking up and the consequence

So, this is how everybody starts their day, by waking up – make sure you do this.

How does waking up make you feel, especially when the wake up process goes through an alarm clock? In reality - no sunshine and flowers I am afraid. You want to sleep some more, get a little bit more of that warmth your blanket is providing you with and just lie there in your bed and not start your day, you want to enjoy the snuggling sinking in moment within your bed for as long as possible, don’t you?  – But within this moment, what else goes through your mind?

This is the problem I have to face with, those thoughts running through my mind every morning - there’s a very specific thought showing itself each time, which bothers me, and this thought is: “How do you feel today, will you be able to do your tasks, will you feel good for a change and be energetic, or will you have a bad day again with a body that feels like dying on you?”.

I have this thought because of a reason, which is also a pattern (just like the first few thoughts I mentioned). This pattern has been repeating my whole life inside of my head when I awake and rises up from my bed each morning. The worst part is I have never really done anything about it.

 It started out in grade 1, I’d say. My parents didn’t make us lunch for school, we had to carry that responsibility on our own, giving us the opportunity to feed and to take care of ourselves during the day when the Parents are working– this was the solution. But do you think a 7 year old boy is going to make lunch each morning if he wakes up 10mins before school? No.

The consequence of this action was terrible; I had a weak childhood from the age of 7 up to the age of 21 years old. Always hungry at school, but had no food because I wanted to sleep some more in the morning, not being able to make myself lunch, no time, and because of this I had to live out the consequence that will follow by being hungry the whole day.

This created the effect where I would not be able to function efficiently, to have the necessary energy to be a child, to be active and do my work. I would feel weak and I would get headaches every second or third day, I basically tortured myself without realizing, or I did realize it but was just lazy and wanted 10 more minutes of sleep. Because of this, the pattern started to arise where I would wake up every morning with this thought in my mind, “how do I feel today?”.

Now that I am 22 years old, I have created a fear, and out of this fear I have realized that I am busy torturing my body and don’t want to feel like shit during the day, so I eat every morning and in regular intervals to prevent this, anything I can get my hands on. I eat not because I am hungry, but because I fear the consequence that will follow when I am hungry and not eating.