Day 58 – Speaking Up, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel nervous while speaking to other people, and to let this nervousness that I am experiencing influence my direction in conversation, taking away my control over my words I have/need to speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am playing a game, and not taking my work up as important as I should, and because of this I have allowed myself to mess around or take time off where I don't have the time to take off.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as a clumsy guy who can't handle the interaction between two humans, namely myself and the person I am in contact with while speaking.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this clumsy guy is who I am, for I have never really had self-direction within my movement, and through not having this self-direction I have build up this believe system from which I have created the image of myself as being a clumsy guy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I am a shy person, wanting to hide from everyone because of all the stories I have heard from when I was a baby, where people would refer to me as a shy child that does not like to interact with other people, and through these words, I have build this character as me, relying on this information, and using it as an excuse for why I am quit, or not talk-active.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a weak person just because I don't have to words to express myself, and define myself as weak all over, in every aspect just because of this assumption that I have made, while knowing of my strong points.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this weakness shows when I do open my mouth even when I do so with self-direction - basically a point of back-chat when done talking and busy reflecting upon the past event.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be limited by this point of weakness that I have experienced, for I have allowed myself to stretch this point over all aspects of my life instead of leaving it as the one concentrated point, focusing myself on this point to be able to correct it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let this show in my speech whenever I would speak to someone, to let this give me bad results in the end, not opening the doors I need opened.

Day 4 – Waking up and the consequence, Part 3

When and as I see myself allowing the same thoughts to run through my mind each morning, and accept it as normal, I stop, I breathe, I take a moment to slow down to see the pattern that is playing out, and to realize that it is not real but only a program, and through this understanding, I direct myself to stand up from my bed, through breathing.

When and as I see myself being unmotivated through the thoughts I have in the morning and by comparing it to how my body feels when I wake up, I stop, Breathe I take a moment to slow down to see the pattern that is playing out, and then realize that this isn’t real and only a program, and through this understanding, instead direct myself to clear my mind from these self-destructive thoughts and by moving forward through breathing.

When and as I see myself doing the routine check in the morning with my body, I stop, breath and slow down the moment to see the pattern, and then realize that it isn’t real and only a program, and through this understanding, I instead stand up, and move my body to prepare myself some breakfast.

When and as I see myself thinking about my body as dying, because it feels weak, I stop, I breathe and slow down in the moment to see and realize it is only a pattern, and through this understanding, I instead direct myself to breathe in, breathe out and prepare something for me to eat, to get my strength up.

When and as I see myself wanting to sleep some more after my alarm has awaken me I stop, breathe and take a moment to slow down and see what pattern is playing out, and realize its only a program, and through this understanding, I direct myself to take on the responsibility to stand up, and move forward with my day without any limitations, and doing so through breathing.

When and as I see myself being lazy when instead I have something to do, like making myself breakfast or lunch, I stop, I breathe, I take a moment to slow down and see what pattern is playing out, and realize that it’s only a program, and through this understanding, Instead direct myself to get up and do what I have to take care of my body, and to stop the abusive pattern through breathing and moving.

When and as I see myself fearing the thought of hunger, and having a weak body by not eating, and to feel like eating out of fear, I stop, breathe, I take a moment to slow down and see what pattern is playing out, to realize this pattern is only a program, and through this understanding, instead direct myself to see if I am hungry or not, and make a directive my decision based on my physical feedback.

When and as I see myself having a thought about myself being a weak person, I stop, I breathe, I take a moment to slow down and see what pattern is playing out, to realize that it isn’t real but only a program, and through this understanding of that it is only a thought, I can let go of the thought as I realize that the thought within itself is only a thought and the only weakness as I give my power away to something that isn’t real, such as a thought in my mind.

When and as I see myself using the feeling of weakness to my advantage in situation where I am asked to do or take on a responsibility to get out of it, I stop, I breathe, I take a moment to slow down and to see what pattern is playing it, to realize that it isn’t real but only a program, and through this understanding, Instead direct myself to take on the responsibility and moving within doing it through breathing.

I commit and allow myself to change the thought pattern I awake with each morning by just breathing and to feel my body, as is.

I commit and allow myself to accept my body as it is in the morning whenever I awake, and to breathe within the moment to release any bad feelings/emotions/weaknesses within my body.

I commit and allow myself to make a proper breakfast for myself, feeding my stomach and powering up my body to be the most effective person I can be.

I commit and allow myself to work through my laziness when it strikes, by breathing through the moment of laziness, stand up and do what I have to do.

I commit and allow myself to take care of myself, to eat when I am hungry, and not let my body be abused by ME by not feeding myself with healthy food.

I commit and allow myself to walk fearless within each and every moment of the day, to realize I will not die or get weak instantly by not eating, to allow myself to prepare food and have a delicious meal to fill my stomach.

I commit and allow myself to be the person I am and not to defy myself by the way my body feels, or reacts during the day.

I commit and allow myself to keep my body stable by supply enough food to it, so that I do not get weak or powerless and then use it to my advantage, or to manipulate people by telling them how I feel.

Day 3 - Waking up and the consequence, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let thoughts run through my mind every morning and accepting it as normal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unmotivated for the day ahead when these thoughts run through my mind each morning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought about the way I might feel; if I will be able to do any of my tasks effectively, or if I will feel bad, or will I have enough energy to get through the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a pattern within my mind every morning with these thoughts and that I follow through with it because I see it as a “routine check” for my body and mood before my day starts, compromising the opportunity to be a well-off energetic and effective human being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my body is dying, and being abused by itself when the moments arrive when I feel physically down, and weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be irresponsible from the age of 7 to 21, by not making myself lunch for school, and taking care of myself as of the fact that my parents couldn’t do it because of work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a lazy kid, not feeding himself because of the laziness that has control over him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my body in a way that is not visible to anyone, but myself and to continue doing so by being lazy, or by wanting to sleep some more in the morning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a fear for not eating, and feeling weak afterwards, creating the effect where I will eat out of fear, and not out of hunger, force feeding my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am a weak person because of my body that may get weak easily if I do not eat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that there might be a hunger within this world one day, and that I will be the first to starve to death, to be the first player to receive the K.O status through this food depression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this feeling of weakness to my advantage when I get asked to do a responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this weakness of the body to manipulate people to do things for me.

Day 2 – Waking up and the consequence

So, this is how everybody starts their day, by waking up – make sure you do this.

How does waking up make you feel, especially when the wake up process goes through an alarm clock? In reality - no sunshine and flowers I am afraid. You want to sleep some more, get a little bit more of that warmth your blanket is providing you with and just lie there in your bed and not start your day, you want to enjoy the snuggling sinking in moment within your bed for as long as possible, don’t you?  – But within this moment, what else goes through your mind?

This is the problem I have to face with, those thoughts running through my mind every morning - there’s a very specific thought showing itself each time, which bothers me, and this thought is: “How do you feel today, will you be able to do your tasks, will you feel good for a change and be energetic, or will you have a bad day again with a body that feels like dying on you?”.

I have this thought because of a reason, which is also a pattern (just like the first few thoughts I mentioned). This pattern has been repeating my whole life inside of my head when I awake and rises up from my bed each morning. The worst part is I have never really done anything about it.

 It started out in grade 1, I’d say. My parents didn’t make us lunch for school, we had to carry that responsibility on our own, giving us the opportunity to feed and to take care of ourselves during the day when the Parents are working– this was the solution. But do you think a 7 year old boy is going to make lunch each morning if he wakes up 10mins before school? No.

The consequence of this action was terrible; I had a weak childhood from the age of 7 up to the age of 21 years old. Always hungry at school, but had no food because I wanted to sleep some more in the morning, not being able to make myself lunch, no time, and because of this I had to live out the consequence that will follow by being hungry the whole day.

This created the effect where I would not be able to function efficiently, to have the necessary energy to be a child, to be active and do my work. I would feel weak and I would get headaches every second or third day, I basically tortured myself without realizing, or I did realize it but was just lazy and wanted 10 more minutes of sleep. Because of this, the pattern started to arise where I would wake up every morning with this thought in my mind, “how do I feel today?”.

Now that I am 22 years old, I have created a fear, and out of this fear I have realized that I am busy torturing my body and don’t want to feel like shit during the day, so I eat every morning and in regular intervals to prevent this, anything I can get my hands on. I eat not because I am hungry, but because I fear the consequence that will follow when I am hungry and not eating.