Day 95 - Sum 41, Part 3

When and as I see myself longing back to my past, and feel that a part of me is missing, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is an memory of the past and only attachments of the past and that these attachments will only hinder me from living in the present to my fullest utmost potential.

So I commit myself to let go of this memory of who I was in the past, and to allow myself to live within the moment of what is here, in the physical reality.

When and as I see myself feeling lost within myself, that there is no one in control of my life, not even me, then I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is a situation where I am not the directing principle within my life, and by not being the one directing myself, I will be lost and not knowing what to do.

So I commit myself to as and when I see this point arise, that I then breathe, to create stability within myself, to be focused on self, and then from that point on directing myself, to be the directing principle of my life.

When and as I see myself being trapped, and not as "free" as I used to be as a child, I stop and I breathe, I realise that I am still free, I am not bound to anything, and to see that I am the one in control.

So i commit myself to accept my reality for what it is, and to stop lingering on the past and how things were, and in this instance of realisastion to allow myself to let go of the past and the attachments/ideas I have of it, so that I can live here, in the breathe.

When and as I see myself wanting to revert to my past self, and not accepting my present self, and encourage change from what is here, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this will only create conflict within myself of where I feel that I am not myself, and thus then trying to go back into the past.

So I commit and allow myself to let go of this idea of who I was in the past, and to let go of the person I was in the past, and to instead accept the person for who I am now, and from that point on, within taking self-responsibility change and adjust myself to be the utmost of what I can be.

When and as I see myself dwelling on these songs and the memories of what they bring to me, just to be able to get fix of emotions and attachments, i stop and I breathe, i realise that this will only bring me sadness, and desires of my past and feelings of wanting to go back.

So I commit and allow myself to let go of these attachments and emotions when and as I am listening to these songs, to be able to enjoy the music for what it is, and not for the "fix" of emotions and feelings.

When and as I see myself giving away my power to the emotions and feelings, to such an extend that it "controls" me, I stop and I breathe, I realise that power I give away to these things actually have an physical effect on my body, and its impacting me in a negative way, weakwning my posture.

Also, when and as i see myself giving away my power to these emotions and feeling, I am also letting it (myself) manipulate my environment, and possible others, to show them my "pain" so that they should be "easy" on me, or whatsoever.

So I commit and allow myself to realise that I am the one in control, and thus not giving my power away to these feelings and emotions of my past and how "perfect" it seemed to be, and to allow myself to breathe, to be here, and to be in the physical as life.

When and as I see myself creating comfort within the idea of having lots of money, i stop and I breathe, I realise that money should not be my main focus point of being free, but rather be a tool that can be used to give me freedom to move within place in this world.

So I commit myself to let go of the idea of having lots of money to feel free, and instead start living my life in a sense of where I practice what I preach, which is being free, from inner conflicts and fears.

When and as I see myself taking comfort in the idea of I can always just rely on my parents for support, I stop and I breathe, I realise that by living by this concept i will not only just disable myself from mopving forward, but I will also hinder myself into becoming the greatest, bestest person as I can be, a person that I ought to be, because of this Idea that my parents will always be there to take care and support me.

So i commit myself to let go of this idea, to realise and see that I have to move myself, direct myself and take responsibility for myself to be able to move forward and change the lives of not just everyone I get in contact with, but also my own, in a manner that is best for all.

So again, I commit myself to let go of my past memories of a comforting home, of parents caring, of money always being there for my survival, and start realising that I should be creating my own environment and space, with all of these comforts, but also in the same breathe, be free of it, with no attachments.

 I commit myself to be here, to be aware, to be in the physical reality, in my body, and as my body, within each and every breath I take.

Day 81 - Forgotten Skills, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel deprived from my physical reality through not working with my hands by comparing the physical reality of here with that of my past, and realising I have not done anything with my hands to create or to take apart some form of object.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to tinker with electronics to feel whole, and not be lost within space and time by not doing it, thus be limited in my reality to experience and live within the physical of here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed about taking on an activity that was long forgotten, to feel that this activity was for a child only to experiment with and not a grown man.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect an idea of my childhood towards one in my present and through this idea create a believe that it is only for children to tinker and explore broken electronics, and through me doing such thing at a time where I am a grown man, I felt embarrassed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience such embarrassment through knowing that someone observed me in this instance and due the thought process that they are going through are influencing me, even though I don’t know what they are thinking, but assuming what they are thinking and by this creating the experience of embarrassment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never again touch any broken electronics due to this experience that I have undergo, and thus “deprive” myself from working with my hands, creating a desire which I could not fulfill.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall victim for having a desire which I can’t fulfill due to a past experience that I have created/generated in my own mind, without realising the effects which would follow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I would have flourished within this field of work just because of this interest I had within me for taking apart things and exploring it.

Day 80 – Forgotten Skills

I feel deprived of the physical reality through not working with my hands, physically. I remember from when I was a child, very young, I used to love taking electronics and tinker with them, taking them apart, putting them back together, investigating it and to find out how it worked. This was the greatest experience that I can remember from myself, exploring the technological world.

I was not fascinated by nature, animals, or other humans beings and on how they all worked, but by what they(humans) have created with their intellectual properties that enhances them, in living within this words with nature, animals and other humans. I always wanted to know what make things tick, that is the reason for why I took everything apart.

I later on stopped doing this for some odd reason which I do not know why, it just stopped. Maybe it’s because there was no more random electronics laying around to take apart, and then when I found it I would horde it for some time until I realise I am not going to do anything with it and then just chuck it into the garbage bin.

Even that stopped, where I just didn’t do anything with any broken electronics anymore – except for once when I did take something that was broke to be stripped. But this time I was a grown man, where as I almost felt embarrassed for wanting to do this. Felt like I had to hide this side of me where I want to explore this broken thing (it was a broken LCD Monitor). Since then I have just never touched anything again because of this experience.

And now, today as I sit here – reading books about inventors and scientists that has so many things to do and to achieve in life, I realise that this one point within me where I would flourished if I were to choose it as a career choice, have I killed and smothered in my process of growing up, of just not doing it anymore.

Why I also say this is because, no matter where I am people always asks me to fix their broken stuff for some reason they believe I can, or have the magical touch to make something work, and by surprise it will work after I am done with it – why have I not yet pursued this part or skill that I have within my life yet? This has come to bother me, and this is a point to be express and realised to be able for me to work on it again, to change my ways into that of which I am good at.

Day 77 – Childhood Memories

The memories of my childhood, as vague and clear as I can remember… I remember only a few of these good old memories of which I love to think about. So when this happens I really want to go back to that time and just relive it as it was back then. The feeling is quite intense, which at the end of the day results in the worst type of disillusionment.

The memories that I love to think about is the memories where we as a family would go on vacation to some awesome holiday resorts. I barely remember these memories actually and that’s the reason for why I say these memories are clear/vague. So it’s the same as a dream that you don’t remember, you know you dreamt last night but you can’t remember what.

Now the one instance I remember from my childhood was when it was the 3 of us (my two brothers and I) where we camped out somewhere with my parents, I have this vague memory of this place, it was located in the middle of nowhere between trees, a lot of trees, as well as  people for some reason. We had to carry wood, and made fire, had benches to sit on, and I remember my brother teasing me, as he always did. That’s the memory, but after this I would think of the same place, but on how we are on our way to this place. I remember it as a rainy day and on our way to this place the song played “If I could walk 500 miles”. I don’t know if this memory is of the same time period and same place, but its there with the first instance.

I know nothing else of this, just that I had this experience which I found way too awesome and that I loved it and the thought of it and every time I think of it, I want to go back there, relive that, and get my memories back/straight. Now the problem is, when I think of this memory/memories, it’s like a deep hole I am falling into, whereas the climbing out part (Disillusionment) is the worst. I will start to wish for this time again to come back for me to be able to go there again, for me to be small again, not having responsibilities – all this crap. Whereas this has an anchor on me, holding me back from embracing my reality for what I have now, and have to live now, as in the here, breath.

Day 60 – Sleepwalking

The last few days I have realised something strange happening around me and my room. Some of my items in my room would get displaced during the night, where as the next morning I would wake up and wonder how, or why has this item moved, or even appeared in my room.

So the first event took place about 2 nights back, when I went to bed I was fully clothed, with my flip flops next to my bed - as I wore them before going to bed.. the next morning I woke up without my t-shirt, and my flip flops standing in the precise middle of the TV room, perfectly  next to each other facing my room.. whats up with that? It was like someone had put it there for me to notice. Where I would usually just kick them out flying all over the place, and leave it where ever it lands. Just so that I can search for them every 5 minutes when they are in need - no reason why thou.

This was the first time that I noticed something was going on here, but ignored it. Until the new day broke upon me, where I would wake up looking at a random toilet paper role on my little bed table next to me - I am not a person to walk around with toilet paper or tissues for when I am sick or ill. I just don't do that - but here it was in my room next to my bed on the table staring at me, not knowing where it came from or when it was placed there, which was not done by me, and which was not there the previous night.

So this is the point I would like to investigate and explore more - sleepwalking. I had done this when I was a young boy under the age of 10 or 15, not completely sure. I also used to talk a lot in my sleep which is another part of this exploration process that I am going to attend now.

Day 19 – Music & Ego, Part 3

When and as I see myself creating a reality/illusion within the form of a memory in my mind while listening to music, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is only the ego within my mind, my self-interest, and that it is not reality, where as I support myself within this point through breathing and bringing myself back to the physical reality of now.

When and as I see myself creating barriers between me and my friends/family/girlfriend or whoever I may come into contact with, within this memory, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is only a memory that my mind has made up, it is not real, supporting myself through breath, realising each and everyone is equal.  

When and as I see myself denying the fact that life has moved on, I stop and I breathe. I realise that the past is long gone, the memories that I have not made as a teenager are also long gone, and cannot be new “made up Memories” within my mind as this takes me out of the physical reality of now and instead creates illusion, realising this I can stand as one and equal with the made up memories of me being young and free, and from this point on direct myself within the breath, the moment, as the physical reality, here.

When and as I see myself desire the perfect girl to have as my girlfriend, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is only a mind construct, believe and there is no such thing as a perfect someone just for you, and to realise we are all equal, with the support of the breath, in the moment of here as the physical reality.

When and as I see myself thinking that I am special in some way or another, I stop and I breathe. I realise my ego is creating separation within myself and the reality around me, hindering my experience with the environment and the people around me.

When and as I see myself being trapped within myself and not being able to escape, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is only my mind holding me back, and by this realisation an understanding I support myself through breathing, and bringing myself back to the physical reality of the here and now.

When and as I see myself fearing what others might think of me whenever I speak up, or do something, I stop and I breathe. I realise that the thoughts other people have about me are just thoughts, nothing real as of the fact that a thought within itself is just a thought and as an end result, does not need fearing.

When and as I see myself defying myself based on the words of others, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is abuse towards myself, self-abuse, change myself into someone for who I am not and basically living a lie.

When and as I see myself feeling depressed, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is just emotions based on past events which is not real, and that I am giving power to it and allowing it to control me, and through doing this I am busy disabling myself, not being able to be expressive within the moment, as here and not.

When and as I see myself being controlled by my ego, and the song I am listening to, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is only a song with music and lyrics, and the emotions/memories attached to it is my own doing, and through this understanding, I take responsibility for self and what I have created and from this point on forward, within the breathe I direct myself to be here, in the physical reality, with the realisation that the ego is not real, only that of which I can see and feel with my physical being is.

I commit myself to stand as one and equal with the emotions/attachments within this made up memory of mind, and from this point forward, to direct myself to breathe, and to release to let it go.

I commit myself to live in the physical reality of now, in the breath, to see and realise that I am one and equal with my surroundings, and the people I am in contact with.

Day 18 – Music & Ego, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a reality within my own mind, as a memory through listening to music, for the sake of self-interest, and my ego, where this ego gets everything that it wants enjoying every moment of it, until it brings me back to reality, to set me off in sadness, depression, longing for such a life, wanting my childhood back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe within this memory that I am the best, the coolest and most intellectual being of all, creating a barrier between me and my fellow  equal human beings, dividing us in separation and not standing as one and equal with them within this memory, where as my ego is the one “standing out” above all with these ideas/concepts of self within this memory I have created within this song.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that this is just a made up memory where I feed my ego with power over me, allowing it to control me within the moment as I am listening to the song “Man Overboard”.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to accept the fact that life has moved on, that I have responsibility now, that I have responsible for myself and no one else is responsible for me, and whatever I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire the girl of my dreams, while I know that this girl does not exist, because it is a made up mind construct of believe, where one believe that there is this girl out there specially made just for you, instead of realising that all is one and equal, none is better than the other, or special in some kind of way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am special within this memory that I have made up when listening to this song, to think that there is something about me, that I have and others does not have creating separation within me and the physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel trapped when I experience disillusionment when the memory is done playing within my mind, when thinking of where I am free, and not bound by the systems and patterns of the mind, and through experiencing this, feel depressed, sad and trapped within self, and the world around me, not able to move within the moment of breath in the physical reality.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to worry/fear what other might think of me, that there words and thought have an influence on me and the way I react and do things within this world, That I accept and allow their words and thoughts to shape me into the person I think I am today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by the words and thoughts of others, abusing myself through living in a lie, where I believe I am who I am because of what others tell me to be, through me accepting these words, instead of standing as self, in the moment of breath as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lonely/sad when listening to this song because of the fact that none of these memories are true, and through this, actually enjoying the sadness, because somehow somewhere I might get attention out of it, even if I am hiding it for everyone I know.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by the negative emotions/attachments toward this memory I have created within my mind by listening to this song.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my ego play games with me, controlling my emotions and in the end controlling me, deciding for me what to feel when, and for how long.

Day 7 – The Extraordinary Experience, Part 3

When and as I see myself creating new fixed points in time for new experiences or anything I want to attach emotions/feeling to which I can refer back later, I stop, I breathe and slow down the moment, to see the pattern playing out, and realising this is only a program, through this understanding I realise that it is an emotion/feeling which creates polarity within self, and I should not give my power/energy to this emotion/feeling, through it is not real.

When and as I see myself creating a storage place within my mind from the experience or event that is taking place, I stop, I breath, and slow down the moment to see the pattern playing out, and realise this is only a program, and through this understanding I realise that by following this pattern will have a negative effect within me, and I should not give my power towards creating this place within me for future references, so I stop and breath.

When and as I see myself living out past emotions and feelings about a similar event I stop and breathe. I realize that my participation within this pattern will hinder me within the moment and give me a setback effect of disillusionment.

When and as I see myself finding myself being bored with what I do, I stop, and breathe. I realise that by finding what I do uninteresting or boring im busy referring back to the past, and projecting into the future, meaning I am not here, and in the now.

When and as I see myself creating and extraordinary event within my life, as the moment/event took place, I stop and breathe. I realise by doing this, I will create an illusionary world wherein I will be able to live, but with setbacks, known as disillusionment.

When and as I see myself referencing my past and future, I stop and breathe. I realise that by referencing my past and future with the present will never allow me to enjoy myself with what I am doing, and always have a judgmental mind, with back chat.

When and as I see myself giving power to the pattern where I reference my past and future, to the present, I stop and breathe. I realise that by giving away my power to the system will only make it stronger and this make it more complex for me to release myself from this pattern.

When and as I see myself living in separation with myself, and the reality of now, by being in the past, I stop and breathe. I realise that by being separated with myself and the reality creates an illusion where in I live, where I can never be in the moment, or be able to stand as one and equal.

 Commitments

I commit myself to release these fixed points through realising that I am the creator of these emotions/feeling and that I should not give my power to it, to be able to screw me over later in time.

I commit myself to release the pattern through breathing, and to realise it is only a program.

I commit myself to embrace the emotions and feelings, and to walk them through as one and equal, to experience it at full, to be able to let go, as one, as equal.

I commit myself to live in the moment of now, through breathing in everything I do, to be able to do it at my utmost potential.

I commit myself to live in oneness and equality to accept the reality as it is in this moment of time, in the present, to realise the past is long gone and that I live there no more, but only here and now.

Day 5 – The Extraordinary Experience

First experience, very common but extraordinary, is it not? Your mind see it as extraordinary, because there is something new that you have experienced, can live out, explore, something else you can be – for example my very first time I played a computer game. It was mind blowing, I could not believe what I was experiencing, how wonderful and awesome it was, to run around in an artificial world shooting other people, or building my very own war base to conquer my greatest enemy, or to constructing my own city and be the ruler of all, or my favorite type of game… Where I can run around defeat creatures and explore the world that was created for me.

But, what happens after the second or third time experiencing these cool types of games these “new extraordinary experiences”? It starts to faint, and become normal. You get used to it, it seems to be very ordinary, and you get bored with it. Now you realize there’s something missing and you want to go out in the world and find more and more of these games to play to fill this ‘gap’ or ‘hole’ you have created by not being satisfied with what you have, and had experienced. You keep on remembering the first time, how awesome it was, but it seems that this effect just isn’t there anymore, with a horrible fallback, of sadness and emptiness, remembering only the good old times...

This is the point I want to make, with everything in life it works like this, and through this process of ‘how my mind was programmed to perceive it’ I have fucked myself. I find no interest in anything I do, or want to do because I know how it will end, in just another daily activity, or interest being repeated with a sad memory of the very first time where it was so new, so extraordinary to me, and referencing it to where I am now, and it just doesn’t feel the same anymore.

Now the pattern works as follow: Through recalling memories from the past, from your first experiences if it was an extraordinary experience, with the emotions and feelings attached to the memory it is taking away the moment of now, of living in the present. It takes away all of the new possibilities, the new experience, the new extraordinary, the PRESENT of now.

This is where the first principle of what I live by comes into action - Realising and living my utmost potential to realise that this is all just programs/patterns imprinted into my mind, with some feelings and emotions attached to it and to work through it by writing myself to freedom, and while doing so, to live out my utmost potential in every moment of breath even if it is through playing computer games.

Extraordinary Dictionary Definition - Beyond what is ordinary or usual: Highly unusual or exceptional or remarkable

Imprint Dictionary definition - We imprint our ideas onto our children

Day 4 – Waking up and the consequence, Part 3

When and as I see myself allowing the same thoughts to run through my mind each morning, and accept it as normal, I stop, I breathe, I take a moment to slow down to see the pattern that is playing out, and to realize that it is not real but only a program, and through this understanding, I direct myself to stand up from my bed, through breathing.

When and as I see myself being unmotivated through the thoughts I have in the morning and by comparing it to how my body feels when I wake up, I stop, Breathe I take a moment to slow down to see the pattern that is playing out, and then realize that this isn’t real and only a program, and through this understanding, instead direct myself to clear my mind from these self-destructive thoughts and by moving forward through breathing.

When and as I see myself doing the routine check in the morning with my body, I stop, breath and slow down the moment to see the pattern, and then realize that it isn’t real and only a program, and through this understanding, I instead stand up, and move my body to prepare myself some breakfast.

When and as I see myself thinking about my body as dying, because it feels weak, I stop, I breathe and slow down in the moment to see and realize it is only a pattern, and through this understanding, I instead direct myself to breathe in, breathe out and prepare something for me to eat, to get my strength up.

When and as I see myself wanting to sleep some more after my alarm has awaken me I stop, breathe and take a moment to slow down and see what pattern is playing out, and realize its only a program, and through this understanding, I direct myself to take on the responsibility to stand up, and move forward with my day without any limitations, and doing so through breathing.

When and as I see myself being lazy when instead I have something to do, like making myself breakfast or lunch, I stop, I breathe, I take a moment to slow down and see what pattern is playing out, and realize that it’s only a program, and through this understanding, Instead direct myself to get up and do what I have to take care of my body, and to stop the abusive pattern through breathing and moving.

When and as I see myself fearing the thought of hunger, and having a weak body by not eating, and to feel like eating out of fear, I stop, breathe, I take a moment to slow down and see what pattern is playing out, to realize this pattern is only a program, and through this understanding, instead direct myself to see if I am hungry or not, and make a directive my decision based on my physical feedback.

When and as I see myself having a thought about myself being a weak person, I stop, I breathe, I take a moment to slow down and see what pattern is playing out, to realize that it isn’t real but only a program, and through this understanding of that it is only a thought, I can let go of the thought as I realize that the thought within itself is only a thought and the only weakness as I give my power away to something that isn’t real, such as a thought in my mind.

When and as I see myself using the feeling of weakness to my advantage in situation where I am asked to do or take on a responsibility to get out of it, I stop, I breathe, I take a moment to slow down and to see what pattern is playing it, to realize that it isn’t real but only a program, and through this understanding, Instead direct myself to take on the responsibility and moving within doing it through breathing.

I commit and allow myself to change the thought pattern I awake with each morning by just breathing and to feel my body, as is.

I commit and allow myself to accept my body as it is in the morning whenever I awake, and to breathe within the moment to release any bad feelings/emotions/weaknesses within my body.

I commit and allow myself to make a proper breakfast for myself, feeding my stomach and powering up my body to be the most effective person I can be.

I commit and allow myself to work through my laziness when it strikes, by breathing through the moment of laziness, stand up and do what I have to do.

I commit and allow myself to take care of myself, to eat when I am hungry, and not let my body be abused by ME by not feeding myself with healthy food.

I commit and allow myself to walk fearless within each and every moment of the day, to realize I will not die or get weak instantly by not eating, to allow myself to prepare food and have a delicious meal to fill my stomach.

I commit and allow myself to be the person I am and not to defy myself by the way my body feels, or reacts during the day.

I commit and allow myself to keep my body stable by supply enough food to it, so that I do not get weak or powerless and then use it to my advantage, or to manipulate people by telling them how I feel.

Day 2 – Waking up and the consequence

So, this is how everybody starts their day, by waking up – make sure you do this.

How does waking up make you feel, especially when the wake up process goes through an alarm clock? In reality - no sunshine and flowers I am afraid. You want to sleep some more, get a little bit more of that warmth your blanket is providing you with and just lie there in your bed and not start your day, you want to enjoy the snuggling sinking in moment within your bed for as long as possible, don’t you?  – But within this moment, what else goes through your mind?

This is the problem I have to face with, those thoughts running through my mind every morning - there’s a very specific thought showing itself each time, which bothers me, and this thought is: “How do you feel today, will you be able to do your tasks, will you feel good for a change and be energetic, or will you have a bad day again with a body that feels like dying on you?”.

I have this thought because of a reason, which is also a pattern (just like the first few thoughts I mentioned). This pattern has been repeating my whole life inside of my head when I awake and rises up from my bed each morning. The worst part is I have never really done anything about it.

 It started out in grade 1, I’d say. My parents didn’t make us lunch for school, we had to carry that responsibility on our own, giving us the opportunity to feed and to take care of ourselves during the day when the Parents are working– this was the solution. But do you think a 7 year old boy is going to make lunch each morning if he wakes up 10mins before school? No.

The consequence of this action was terrible; I had a weak childhood from the age of 7 up to the age of 21 years old. Always hungry at school, but had no food because I wanted to sleep some more in the morning, not being able to make myself lunch, no time, and because of this I had to live out the consequence that will follow by being hungry the whole day.

This created the effect where I would not be able to function efficiently, to have the necessary energy to be a child, to be active and do my work. I would feel weak and I would get headaches every second or third day, I basically tortured myself without realizing, or I did realize it but was just lazy and wanted 10 more minutes of sleep. Because of this, the pattern started to arise where I would wake up every morning with this thought in my mind, “how do I feel today?”.

Now that I am 22 years old, I have created a fear, and out of this fear I have realized that I am busy torturing my body and don’t want to feel like shit during the day, so I eat every morning and in regular intervals to prevent this, anything I can get my hands on. I eat not because I am hungry, but because I fear the consequence that will follow when I am hungry and not eating.