Day 88 - Not filling the shoes, Part 3

When and as I see myself being triggered into a rush of thoughts due to the fact that I am in a group of people, I stop and I breathe, I realise that I have stumbled upon a flag point, and that I have to ground myself within the physical reality, by focusing on my body and my movement to be here, through breathing, so I can slow down and see my change in my own movement and correct it.

When and as I see myself acting as a grown-up, and instead of just being myself I stop, I breathe. I realise that I am now just pretending to be something I am not, and by realising this I can drop the act and be self-directive instead, directing my movement, my words and my whole being.

When and as I see myself feeling small and weak, not being able to “fill the shoes” I stop and I breathe, I realise that this is just an experience because of thoughts that I am having/participating within, and by seeing this I can stop these thoughts, let them go, and take on the self-responsibility and self-direction and move myself forwards into these “shoes” and fill them.

When and as I see myself doubting myself in the case of taking on a responsibility I stop and I breathe, I realise that by the mere fact of doubt that I have within myself will hinder my ability to deliver the task at hand successfully, so within this realisation I can let go of the doubt, and start trusting myself that I will be able to do the task at hand.

When and as I see myself relying on my appearance to make an “big and bold” first impression I stop and I breathe, I realise that this “big and bold” appearance is not just defined by looks, but also by the words spoken and the actions performed by an individual, thus by moving myself within the moment as the physical, self-direction, I will already generate the effect need to “impress” clients, and get the job done.

I commit myself to move within the physical, as breathe, by being here, have my attention out of mind, and in the physical to control my reality and move it toward my set goal.

I commit myself to let go of any doubt I might experience within myself due to thoughts, and allow myself to be here, to support myself by bringing my attention to the physical reality by focusing on my what is here, to implement this I can start focusing on my fingers and toes, expanding my awareness over my whole body.

I commit myself to walk my path of live within the principle of self-direction and self-responsibility, where as any challenges I may find to take them on and move myself to pass the challenge and grow, to “fill” the “shoes” that is needed to be “filled”. 

Day 87 - Not filling the shoes, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be triggered into these thoughts and feelings through thinking about “how I am supposed to be” when and around other people, giving me a rush of thoughts on how I am supposed to be when around other people (or grown-ups) and then acting accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by this reaction/trigger point that I actually change my behaviour, start “acting” grown up, and in the same time hitting some nerves which sometimes make me feel like I can’t fill the shoes, or that I am going to lose myself within them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be smaller than this world, to believe that I need to be big to be able to fill myself with the world, and because of this thought/experience, I feel that I can’t fill the shoes, and take self-responsibility and direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create doubt within myself because of this experience, and through having this doubt not allowing myself to move myself forward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I need to be a grown-up to be able to do what “grown-up” people do, instead just be myself, obviously according to where I am, for instance a meet – be professional.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need decades of experience, just to show someone a better way at doing things – learning – and not trust myself where I can actually just show them with real time proof.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do not appear as a strong/bold person, due to my past experiences, thus define myself as weak, and life up to this experience, whereas I can easily recreate the image I need in an instance – in the physical as here.

Day 85 – Realisation of self, Part 3

When and as I see myself not living in wholeness within myself but in separation I stop and I breathe. I realise that by living in such condition will only create conflict within myself and my self-acceptance., so as and when I see this appearance within myself I stop, I take a breath, and I direct myself in the physical to ground myself within acceptance of self.

When and as I see myself not accepting my patterns and beliefs as my own, I stop and I breathe, I realise by not accepting my creations as my own, I am only living in conflict within myself, and by this will create resistance whereas I will not be able to change myself effectively that is best for me and for all.

When and as I see myself comparing my reality and what I do in my reality with those of others, I stop and I breathe, I realise that by comparing realities will not give me the solutions or motivations required to be able to move myself, and this comparison will only create conflict and envy within myself.

When and as I see myself accepting and allowing myself to accept the ideas of others, that in return will define me, I stop and I realise that these ideas that others have of me, does not determine who I am nor does it define me for what a kind of person I am.

When and as I see myself falling into the realm of automation within myself, and not being in self-direction and responsibility I stop and I breathe, I take a deep breath in, and out, to ground myself as here in the physical, and take on the challenge of self-responsibility and direction to move myself forward.

When and as I see myself believing I am who I am within these patterns that I exists off, and that these patterns needs to be enhanced to increase or better my living experience, I stop and I breathe to realise that this is in fact not who or what I am, or need to enhance myself, thus I should stop myself, and bring myself to the physical, as here.

I commit and allow myself as who and what I am in this particular moment in time, to accept all my creations within my mind, to walk within these pattern, see the flaws, and by seeing/realising these flaws, then accordingly change/apply corrective application as applicable to become a being of life, as a living expression.

I commit and allow myself to be here, in the physical, be awareness, be life, to live my utmost potential for what is best for all.

Day 83 – Realisation of self

Have you ever had a moment in time where you just randomly think back and reflect on your life, and saw this clear image of yourself interacting with a person and where they’d point out a very peculiar trait or signature of you, yourself and who you are in those certain moments, for an type of phrase or pattern that you have just used that is “unique” to only you?

I have experience this today for the first time, and within this I have realise that with these patterns that I use to communicate with and how I interact with people are actually who I am. Within this weird realisation, I obviously realised that it is me, my trait, my pattern and no one else’s and that I have never in my life before really accepted it as my own. I have always played in this body of mine, since I have been a child, as if I am in third person view. That I can look at the world through someone’s eyes that is not mine, but actually is. Meaning always looking at everything around me happening, seeing people moving forward and creating life for themselves while I am just sitting here waiting for my life to start happening, doing so in the third person view.

So within this realisation I have seen that the times that I have reflected on just now, where people would point out “me”, I have been playing in that short instance of my life as a first person, for I was directing and controlling myself, for I was in my “element” and accepted in that moment myself for who I am and moved myself, and enjoyed each and every second of it, for I was here. But these moments are so rare. That is how I had this realisation, through seeing this point I can now start moving myself within these patterns and motions, accepting them as mine and that I have created them, I am responsible for each and every action I take.

And through doing so, accepting all these things as mine, and purely by doing so, only then can I start changing myself to where I can live out my utmost potential where I am me for who I am and not just a pattern playing out thinking I am me.

Obviously through using the tools that I have acquired, changing my patterns and believes to life in self-direction and self-responsibility. 

Day 69 – Point of Resonance (Mugging)

Continuation from previous post: Day 68 - Resonance

SO at the farm I spoke to some people where they gave me pointers on what it possibly could be and I had come to a conclusion about it.

First – Self-sabotage

Second – Attention (normally from friends)

Point of self-sabotage:

How this started – It was in the year 2008, just after we received Internet connection (ADSL Line). What the Internet did was it created an environment for me to explore the world and the knowledge that it possesses, but as a young kid I wasn’t aware that you should actually dig through heaps of info on the Internet just to get yourself at a legitimate piece of knowledge.

So within this I have found and discovered that the world is going to “end” in the year 2012 with all the conspiracy theorists and their information and evidence that they have on what is going to happen, and I actually believed this for some time. I started to think if this is true, why study, why work why slave your life away in a job one day just to die in a few years, or actually just after high school is finished?

With this believe - because of the information I have received, I didn’t do much. I have always resisted everything I do which was in direct relation with me and my future on how I am going to build this future of mine.

After I have realised now that this is all bullshit about the world coming to an end, I have stopped believing it, but the problem was… the patterns that I have created within my thought process and the doing part of it, the resistance stayed, instead of fading away as it should have. This resistance after this had built up to a point where I resist not only work but mostly with all things I am doing. I am in consistent conflict within myself.

This conflict within myself now has emerged into my mind to a way of escaping and this is where I have started to generate a resonance which is one of mugging or getting hurt – a way out, where I do not have to take the responsibility of walking out of this exit door. Purely meaning that whenever I had to do any work, I thought that the world should just rather end than me doing this right now. Or for when I would go to work in JHB, on the road sometimes I would wish that something bad happens on the road to work, just so that I don’t have to go to work. If this bad thing was to be with me or someone else, it doesn’t matter – it’s a way of not going to work, right? This is about one example, there are way more of these scenarios.

To top it off.. this is what happens deep inside of my mind, in the dark corners, the corners which I am aware of, but not directly aware of… meaning I know the thoughts are there, all I did was covering it up with “positive Thinking”, believing that these thoughts would cover those bad dirty ones up, instead of actually realising what I am busy doing. Instead of going into these dark corners in my mind, grab the thoughts and get rid of them. Which is a great starting point for now actually.

To be continued (Second conclusion – Attention)

Day 68 – Point of Resonance (Mugging)

Today I am going to write about the point of resonance within me and the world around me for the fact that I have been mugged twice last year, and yesterday almost again. Luckily for me, I have dodge it and knew the scam due to a security guard for when I was still working in Johannesburg that had warned me about it.

What happened yesterday was, I went to a school to arrange an appointment with them, whereas after this arrangement I decided to go the school just across this one, there were two schools in one location. Now the street I had to cross to the other school, was to the entrance of the field of this second school, meaning I had to walk around the school to the next side of it, which meant there was a corner that I had to cross. At this corner two guys approached me, at first harmless, asking for money – but persistently, only want R2 from me… why would anybody be so persistent to get a R2 only?

So this happened, we were the only three people in this whole street, no car, no other observers, nothing. As I told this guy no which I did probably 5-7 times he kept on asking me, with every ask he would get closer and closer to me, almost standing against me and blocking my way to walk straight, with his buddy standing also at a point where he is blocking me but just further away.

This was when I decided to stop walking and take a step back, looked the guy in the eye and told him NO, I don’t have money on me, and ditched to the side to dodge him, then walked on to my destination. As this happened the guy followed me, dangerously close to me, and again asking a lot of times for money. Where I stopped again and said no, but this time as I stopped to say no, he grabbed my hand, and pulled me in – obviously I pulled out - kind of like two children harmlessly fighting for nothing. I don’t know what would have happened if it wasn’t for the two cars in the road that had passed us, but as soon as this guy saw the two cars he left my arm and let me go, where I just walked away, in a good pace to get inside of the school yard. Looking back every few steps to see if they are not sneaking up on me or anything, where at the gate I waited for a min to see if they leave the corner or not – which they didn’t.

At the school, I made sure to spend as much time there as possible. Afterwards I asked the security guard at the school to open up the back gate of the school to let me out there so that I don’t have to cross the corner again – safety first.

Previously, in the year 2013 when I still had a job in JHB before leaving for my new occupation here in KZN, they mugged me twice in 6 months. First stole my tablet out of my car – while I was in the car. Second time they gun pointed me wanting my mobile phone at a traffic light.

Why I mention this is because I have a point to look at here, my resonance. What is it that I am resonating out in this world, which people would want to mug me and steel my shit for, why am I attracting these things?

To be Continued

Day 60 – Sleepwalking

The last few days I have realised something strange happening around me and my room. Some of my items in my room would get displaced during the night, where as the next morning I would wake up and wonder how, or why has this item moved, or even appeared in my room.

So the first event took place about 2 nights back, when I went to bed I was fully clothed, with my flip flops next to my bed - as I wore them before going to bed.. the next morning I woke up without my t-shirt, and my flip flops standing in the precise middle of the TV room, perfectly  next to each other facing my room.. whats up with that? It was like someone had put it there for me to notice. Where I would usually just kick them out flying all over the place, and leave it where ever it lands. Just so that I can search for them every 5 minutes when they are in need - no reason why thou.

This was the first time that I noticed something was going on here, but ignored it. Until the new day broke upon me, where I would wake up looking at a random toilet paper role on my little bed table next to me - I am not a person to walk around with toilet paper or tissues for when I am sick or ill. I just don't do that - but here it was in my room next to my bed on the table staring at me, not knowing where it came from or when it was placed there, which was not done by me, and which was not there the previous night.

So this is the point I would like to investigate and explore more - sleepwalking. I had done this when I was a young boy under the age of 10 or 15, not completely sure. I also used to talk a lot in my sleep which is another part of this exploration process that I am going to attend now.

Day 51 – Comfortability

How comfortable am I with myself and other people around me? Comfortability will be the subject to be explored today within myself, and the people around me.

My whole life I have never really been comfortable with anybody, except my family and a few friends, but still only up until a certain point.

So, by not being comfortable within my
self, and with myself for as long as I can remember, I have never really been comfortable with any other person. Basically limiting myself and my self-expression. Because of this I am not used to people that are comfortable with themselves, meaning when they talk to me, or having physical contact with me when  they are talking to me, for instance touching my shoulder to make me aware that they are here speaking to me personally, or for when they rest their hand on my back while I'm sitting and they stand behind me - as examples - and because of this, whenever a situation similar to what I have described arises, I'd then think about it for hours afterwards.

So in my mind the process of a pattern will be triggered, and for the rest of the day this pattern of thoughts will play out in my head where I would tell myself: "This person touched my shoulder while speaking to me, what a strange experience this was but, within this strangeness I liked it, it was comforting even when we were only talking in a relaxed state about a relaxed subject, and I like it because you know then that that person is HERE, within the moment". As these thoughts would go around in circles in my mind, i'd start to realise that I am just not used to any sort of physical contact, and being comfortable with myself and any other human being at the same time, and what if this is the whole reason why I can't express myself - for I am not comfortable with these actions taking place within myself and the people around me?

I have never really reached out to a person in this manner, nor has it crossed my mind. When it did, I did not proceed with the action because I am under the impression that people don't like it, but what if they do, what if they just want to know that you are HERE in the physical with them just by touching the shoulder? I will never know. Just to be clear this is not to just touch random strangers on the shoulder when speaking to them, lol. Its for people that I deal with a lot in my life, where I need to get myself to a point for when I am contacted physically like a touch to the shoulder or a pat on the back, that I don't find it to be weird (and vice versa), but as normal people caring and looking after each other, assisting each other to be here in the physical reality of the moment.

Day 49 – Dealing with Fear, Part 3

When and as I see myself fearing for my life when an epidemic is taking place somewhere in the world, I stop and I breathe. I realise that by fearing this won’t solve my problem, but instead just raise the risk for my own health and well being.

When and as I see myself giving away my power to a fear, allowing it to control and consume me, I stop and I breathe, I realise that this fear is not real, and only made up from my own thoughts and outside knowledge which I have acquired.

When and as I see myself fuelling this fear by creating more and more thoughts within my mind, and creating a fear of loss within this, I stop and I breathe, I realise that the fear isn’t real, and it is only my mind that is putting me in this position, allowing myself to breathe and support myself by realising this to correct my thoughts, and the pattern that it is following, stopping the vicious cycle where my mind creates thoughts based on fear which creates more thoughts and fear... etc.

When and as I see myself wanting to rest, because of the believe that I have, I stop and I breathe, i realise that it is my mind that requires this rest because of a pattern that my mind is following, and that I am not actually physically tired.

When and as I see myself wanting to be lazy, I stop and I breathe, I realise that this is not being me productive, and living my utmost potential and just a lazy pattern I am following, and by following this pattern, I will create a fear for the future.

When and as I see myself wanting to reward myself out of working hard for a short while, i stop and I breathe, I realise that I am only now getting started and that there is no need for rest, for I am young and strong and I have done more hard work than this before, that I am capable of doing what is necessary and giving my utmost potential within what I want to do, and want to achieve.

When and as I see myself sitting back to relax, believing that I will just receive everything from out of nowhere, I stop and I breathe. I see the pattern in this moment, and realise that I should not be sitting still but, actually stand up and go get myself that of which I want to achieve for it shall not be granted to me for free or by not doing anything.

When and as I see myself fearing the future because I am not moving forward at present, I stop and I breathe, I realise I should not fear the future, stop these thoughts about the future and instead start directing myself in the way I want to go.

When and as I see myself not moving, not having self-direction, I don’t stop but, I do breathe and while doing so, I realise that I need to direct myself within each moment of breathe, as here in the physical reality to get myself moving forward and not allowing myself to stagnate within where I am now at the present.

When and as I see myself taking advantage of a situation to be able to rest, I stop and I breathe, i realise that by taking this advantage of the situation will not only have an impact on me, but on other people as well, meaning I live in a point of self-interest and not taking other people into consideration, for when I am standing still, a part of our business is also in a static point in time, not moving forward.

When and as I see myself fighting with my own mind because of a fear I have generated, I stop and I breathe, I realise that both sides of my brain is.. Well mine, and so I should not divide my mind into two side and let them battle, for I am only fighting with myself, where as I can now stop this silly act and instead life out self-direction and self-responsibility within the moment of here, present.

I commit and allow myself to be here, to be in the breathe, to realise what I am doing within the moment, and to see if I am not being directed by self, and by realising this, to take on the self-responsibility to get myself moving in the direction I need to be moving.

I commit and allow myself to stop my fears for they are not real, only made up thoughts within my mind, which creates this reaction within me and then starting to take my life over, and instead to stand as one and as equal with these thoughts and fear to be able to change it for who it is, and to get rid of it for it is not real.

I commit and allow myself to direct myself in the direction I need to go, to allow myself to take on the challenge and responsibility of what life is giving me in the present and give it my all and my utmost potential, unconditionally.

  Get a move on, for more info on memories and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 46 – Why Hesitate, Part 3

When and as I see myself hesitate to make a call because I can’t see the people I am about to talk to, I stop and I breathe. I realise that by stopping myself from doing my work, jsut by not knowing some things is only hindering me and my process of getting the job done.

When and as I see myself fearing the phone call that I am about to make, I stop and I breathe, I realise that this fear is created by me, and is not real, only an obstacle in my way which I have to overcome, and I can do so by assisting and directing myself within the moment of movement.

When and as I see myself fearing miscommunication with another human being, I stop and I breathe, I realise that this is just a communication barrier and that I can overcome this barrier through using different words, and being more clear whilst speaking, and through doing this also realising that fearing this point is only a waste of potential energy that could have being used in making me more productive within the moment.

When and as I see myself taking work personally because of communication barriers, i stop and I breathe, and within this moment I slow down this process to see and to realise what is happening, and by doing this see that I only have to use self-direction within the moment, from one person dropping a call only means that they did not understand me, nothing for me to worry or fear about.

When and as I see myself being impatient with people that does not understand me, I stop and I breathe, I put myself in their position to experience what they are experiencing, realising that I should not be impatient, because I would have wanted the person to explain the concept for me until I understand(when in their position), and instead direct the conversation to a point where we can both touch ground and understand each other, and only then explain the concept in a way they would understand.

When and as I see myself facing inequality within myself and my level of confidence, I stop and I breathe, I Realise that this will only hinder me, and then start directing myself in each and every moment, instead of just relying on concepts and ideas I have of myself.

I commit and allow myself to live in each moment of breath, being here in the physical as it exists, to direct self, to reach my fullest and utmost potential of each and every moment.

I commit and allow myself to stand as one and as equal with my inequalities I face within myself, and to walk with them as they are mine, to embrace them, and then as a final act, change myself in a way that is best for all.

Get a move on, for more info on memories and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 44 – Why Hesitate?

Making phone calls, how silly of me to be scared of a phone call, and pressing the green button that is staring me in the face every single time after I have typed in the number I have to dial, defeated by hesitation, yes, I am. This is the problem I am facing since I have started working at my new company this year.

It started out as a nervous voice ringing through the speaker as I spoke to the person on the other end of the phone,  to a confident person knowing what I wants to say and how to say it but, within all of this, the progress, the build-up of a personality within me towards my clients and the arrangement of appointments, there are still a hesitation every time before I start dialing.

When I am in person I can start talking without fear and hesitation, instead I talk with confidence now because I know what I want to say, I have the discipline to direct myself within the moment now, knowing where I want to take this conversation to, be the king of the world in that moment.

But then again, when back at the office and I have to make a call...

It’s as if I fear the person on the other end of the phone when I have to call them, because I can’t see them, I can’t read them to see if this person will be easy to talk to or difficult and then from that point on direct myself on how to approach the situation becomes difficult.

 So, first, is the problem for my hesitation just a reflection for where I really stand within myself, my direction, my responsibility, confidence and my progress? If I were to be so confident within myself, would I not be able to call a person without hesitation? Because I am confident right and I know exactly what to say and how to say it. Meaning this confidence that I have build is real, or is it?

The only time that I will walk/talk with confidence is when I am busy with my work, meaning I don’t have the confidence yet to go out in the world to be me, to strike up a random conversation with someone, or ask a random person for directions or a question I need an answer to, I only have confidence within one field of my life, and that is my job, not in any other fields.

But then again, what is confidence really? Confidence is build upon an idea you have of yourself, an idea where you are so sure about it that you can scream it out to the world and feel good, even if its horribly wrong... So instead of relying on this concept of confidence, that is actually just screwing you up, I will instead accept the challenge and responsibility to use self-direction within self-honesty, getting behind the real reason for why I want/need confidence within a situation and then take a look at this situation, where I can see what needs to be done and through this get my deeds done by directing self, and not relying on assumed ideas/beliefs.

Get a move on, for more info on memories and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 43 – Poverty is Real, Part 3

When and as I see myself caring only about myself and not taking in account the lives of others, I stop and I breathe. I realise by not taking into account other people and their lives are a point of self-interest a point where I only care about myself and what happens to me, and not them aswell, basically not standing as one and equal, nor standing for all life but only myself.

When and as I see myself forming an idea of people that I have not yet even met before, I stop and breathe, I realise that these thoughts of the people that I have and that I am creating about them are presumptions and this is not for who they really are, but instead that is how I treat these people then.

When and as I see myself as better or superior toward a person with no money/status, I stop and I breathe, I realise that I am this person’s equal, and so are they my equal, an none of us are superior/better than the other - for us all are one and equal.

When and as I see myself living in separation with other people just because they are poor, dangerous or have no education, I stop and I breathe, I realise that I am part of the people of this world, and so am I not separated by this, for us must move as one body together, because a body with only 50% working will not be effective/productive.

When and as I see myself dealing with poor people, and feel that I do not belong here helping them, I stop and I breathe, I realise by reacting up on this feeling will bring us no good, and that I am not being self-directive, but instead being directed with feelings/emotions.

When and as I see myself wishing that I am not there with the people, but behind a screen where I have no problems, I stop and I breathe, I realise that I am giving my energy away on an useless activity: hiding. By giving my energy away to this activity shows that I am not willing to face reality for what it is, and thus trying to escape, instead of standing up for myself, for life, and for all, to help and contribute my part in life, unconditionally.

When and as I see myself fearing that I might end up as poor as these people I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is a fear of the future, and this fear is created by me, for the future, meaning it is actually not real and that I am fearing life.

When and as I see myself clashing/colliding with my imagination/mind about what I am seeing in front of me with my physical eyes, I stop and I breathe, through this breath I realise that what I am seeing is real, and there is no need to deny this because what my eyes observe is fact, is reality, and there is no escape to it.

I commit and allow myself to face reality for what it is, and not try and to avoid it by hiding behind a computer, or in my comfort zone where I do not have to experience it.

I commit and allow myself to stand as one and as equal with each and every human being I encounter within each moment, no matter the age, sex, "race" or status they have.

I commit and allow myself to stand for live, to be here in every moment, to live life to my fullest potential, and to do what is best for all life, unconditionally.

 Get a move on, for more info on memories and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 42 – Poverty is Real, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have lived my life in ignorance not taking in account other people and their situation, just so that I can live my life to be successful without caring, and being unconditional.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form an idea about people that I have never even met before, ripping me from my ability to be able to stand as one and as equal with them, to be able to handle them as if they were my friend, and not some bad person that’s only capable of destruction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as better and superior toward poor people just because I have more money, and a bigger house than they have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from these people just because of this idea that I have of them that they are “bad” or “dangerous” people.

I forgive myself that I ahve accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is normal for some people to have it all, and some to have nothing at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience separation while driving in these poor neighbourhoods, to feel that I am not a part of these people, and that I do not belong here, and that I don’t have to be here to witness it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish that I was not in that area in that moment, because I wish that I did not see these people and the real situation that they are in, because it creates a negative reaction within me, a fear that I might be one of them one day, that I might end up like them one day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I am in a collision with reality, by not wanting to accept this reality for what it is, and to feel that I want to get out of there because this is too much to see/handle for me at this moment, to see so many, thousands of people suffering every day just because of this inequality within our world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to avoid reality, and wanting to do so by going home and hide behind the computer, where everything is fine, no problems, no people suffering and no people begging for money/food but only me and my “safety zone”, escaping reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for these people, and by this feeling being directed to want to go out of this place, instead of staying and helping, not by giving food/money but giving them a chance to educate themself to be able to work themself out of this situation. (By giving the people money/food will only encourage them to keep on doing nothing but beg, give them a permanent solution, not a temporary one.)

 Get a move on, for more info on memories and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 41 – Poverty is Real

My whole life I have been living in middle to upper class areas, from pre-school up to high school and college, I have worked in an upper class area known as Rivonia, Sandton, probably the richest part of South-Africa. I have never really seen poverty, maybe a small town or two outside of where I lived, with poor people living in shacks struggling, but it did not really bother me. It felt kind of normal, because everybody can’t be rich, who’s going to be the person cleaning my house, standing at till points swiping my items through the scanner when I buy it, or fuel up my car at a petrol station, right? They have to live somewhere, and in my mind, that was their area, seem normal for me.

I never in my live had the chance to go into one of these areas, always been told that it is dangerous, and we should not try to enter it, they will steel everything from you, and maybe kidnap you, or murder you etc. So here was this idea within my mind about these people, the people living in poverty, the people we allow inside our homes to clean it, or to take care of our gardens. The people who struggle to survive. The people I don’t want to help because of this idea.

So, the idea of helping them never came up in my mind, and so it did not really bother me. It’s not me who’s trapped in that situation/poverty, I was not the one to be born into that world, I am here and this is my life which I have to make a success of, as should they with their lives... as a gardener, sure.

Until about 2-3 months ago, when I arrived in PMB, away from Gauteng which is known as the heart of our economy/country, where here in PMB all you can see is poverty, almost all that you see are shacks and little houses filled with massive families, struggling to survive, which still didn’t bother me as much because I thought of it as the same concept, until about 2 days ago, when I started to explore more in depth of what is going on, and see how they really lived.

This was not planned, it just kind of happened with my new business partners, we had to infiltrate new schools to sell our software to, and the more we explored into this territory, the more I realised that it had no end. These neighbourhoods are unbelievably big, the amounts of people are uncountable, schools are stacked with learners, and buildings are falling and breaking apart. The toilets in these schools look like shit, no other words to explain, and for a school of about 400 kids, there is only one male and one female bathroom, to be shared among them all.

These people live in real poverty; they go to school for free, where the school has to provide the kids with lunch because the parents can’t afford to give them food/money. Some of these schools can’t even provide this lunch, meaning about 400 kids or more starve every day just to attend school, and this is only in one school (a small schools). There are about 4-6 school in this area alone, 3 would be in the same area in this neighbourhood next to each other, whereas another 3 schools will be a kilometer or 2 away, all with 400-800 kids in, probably starving, with my partner at the end of the day telling me how far they have to walk each afternoon, some go as far as 15km, because they can’t afford a taxi ride of just R6.

As the days progressed with me experiencing the poverty, driving through these areas that I was told never to enter, I realised one thing, my whole life I have been living a luxurious life, never have to worry about where I am going to find food or water, or a place to sleep, or thinking will I be safe tonight? I don’t know what that is, I have never experienced it and so I realised that this way of thinking I have, is not acceptable.

The reaction within my mind was kind of weird, it was like an image within my mind that clashed with reality as I saw it, telling me this is not real, this should not be real, wtf are we doing to our fellow human beings? No one deserves to live a life like this where they can barely survive.  

Change is needed.

 Get a move on, for more info on memories and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 40 – Ego and rejection, Part 3

When and as I see myself taking a situation personally which will result in a clouded mind, not being able to see the actually point/problem, I stop and I breathe. I realise that by taking this situation personally will only take away my ability to see the point/problem clearly and thus resulting in me getting angry or off the point and not solving the problem effectively.

When and as I see myself allowing myself to feel rejected by someone or some concept, I stop and I breathe. I realise that by allowing this rejection will only create anger, frustration and loneliness within me, where I separate myself from the physical world around me to avoid these experiences any further.

When and as I see myself wanting to share knowledge to help a person, but with and alternative goal, I stop and I breathe, I realise by doing this I am only feeding my ego with the energy that it desires, and in return opens up a possibility of getting “hurt” when one may get rejected in the act of sharing the knowledge.

When and as I see myself feeling offended by the rejection, I stop and I breathe, I realise that I am only offended because of the alternative motive/goal that I had in place, and by seeing this, it clouds my judgement and my ability to see the situation for what it really is.

When and as I see myself experiencing anger and while in its process I allow it to such a point where I can easily lose control of it, I stop and I breathe, I realise that I am the creator of this anger, and that I should not give my power to this anger and allow it to grow so far, for I am the creator of it and so should I be in control of it.

When and as I see myself clouding my mind with these thoughts and ideas for the ego and its advantage, I stop and I breathe. I realise that by doing this, I am only busy wasting away my energy and not being here within the physical reality, as for what the moment is, but somewhere lost in the midst of my mind.

When and as I see myself generating excuses to get myself out of situations, I stop and I breathe, I realise by not dealing with the situation now is being dishonest with self, and a way of escaping reality and the moment of here, postponing my chance to deal with the problem now, onto a later stage.

I commit and allow myself to be directive within a moment of anger, to direct self towards a point where I no longer feed my feelings with energy, to be clouded by them, and by this creating an illusion for what the physical reality really is, not seeing clearly basically.

I commit and allow myself to deal with a situation, rather than to create excuses to get out of it, and assisting self through this process by breathing, being here, and to be self-directive within each and every moment that presents itself.

 Get a move on, for more info on memories and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 38 – Ego and Rejection

Reactions, a negative, angry reaction I experienced the other day while trying to pass on some knowledge about a designing program and what one can do within the program to create some effects, effectively, while the person working the computer/program rejected me and my advice.

I started to explain the concept and what the cool advantages are for the person the program and then went on to show this to the person, basically to give them a quick example which would take 10 seconds literally, but as it turns out the person was under a lot of stress/pressure and had a lot of work to do, meaning they are in a rush... and while this was the case, my interference was not helping at all, thus resulting in the rejection of my help, which I in return took personally.

What went through my head was thoughts about the fact that I know what I am talking about, I have more than 2 years experience in this program, and there should be no need for this rejection when you are still learning the program, why not take my advice & example and use it, which will make the doing of the work more time effective.

After all this a started to feel like I am bursting in fire, my veins felt like they were red hot and ready to boil, but instead of feeding this anger, I just stopped and breathed, while doing this, I just reacted in a way to avoid conflict at all costs. I stepped back, made a remark about how hungry I am and that I will be leaving to feed myself and just get out of there.

 So, why did I get angry then? May be my ego which was popped in the moment of rejection, and self-interest being “damaged”, and by the fact that I think that I know-it-all within this program,(the self-interest point/ego) and now that someone doesn’t want to listen to me, I am being offended. My ego is being “hurt”, and that infuriated me, instead of just passing on the information without having an alternative goal - ego wanting to show off its knowledge.

The point of self-interest lies in where I want to be the only one knowing this stuff and helping people with it, so meaning people will be kind of dependant on me for help with the program, a way of getting attention, and this attention will be for my ego then... to make it “grow”. Basically games people play to get things their way.

 Get a move on, for more info on memories and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 37 – Responsibility with stables, Part 3

When and as I see myself getting lost in thought, I stop and I breathe, I realise that by being in my thoughts while physically working I am not here with in the moment busy with my task at hand, thus can’t do it to the best of my abilities.

When and as I see myself resisting the fact that I have to clean a stable, I stop and I breathe, I realise that by resisting a responsibility will only slow me down in doing the task, and not giving me any effective solutions to doing it any quicker.

When and as I see myself following the pattern where I think I don’t have to do something to the best of my ability, I stop and I breathe, I realise that my viewpoint of the matter is not what is best for all, and that by thinking this, it influences my ability to do my task to the best of my ability.

When and as I see myself believing that I have better things to do than taking care of a horse’s stable, I stop and I breathe, I realise by acting this way is not what is best for all, only a point of self interest, and by realising this I can stand within one and equality towards this point of self-interest to change my viewpoint and my care taking of the horse’s stable.

When and as I see myself wanting to shift the responsibility of my stable onto someone else on the farm, I stop and I breathe, I realise that I am not the only one with responsibilities and by wanting to shift the weight is not fair of me, and only a point of self-interest.

When and as I see myself wanting my time for me and myself, to do whatever, I stop and I breathe I realise that by giving my energy to this thought is only creating more self-interest within me, and more resistance towards my responsibility, meaning I will not be able to live in the physical reality of here, but in my mind on what I could have done with my time if it was not to be spent here at the stables.

When and as I see myself playing out the pattern of reward, where I think I need to be rewarded for whatever I have done, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is only a point of self-interest, and by wanting a reward for everything I do is just not possible, nor is it unconditional as all my actions should be when standing as one and as equal with life.

When and as I see myself creating the wrong idea within my head because I am not rewarded with fun or quality time spent with the horses after the stables has been cleaned. I stop and I breathe, I realise by thinking this is only a self-interest and my reward pattern playing out, and by thinking this, it is only slowing me down and creating a negative experience within me, instead of doing the cleaning unconditionally and within the moment of here.

When and as I see myself only want to do a stable halfway because I am filling in for someone else, I stop and I breathe, I realise by cleaning the stable only halfway for someone else is not standing as one and equality, also meaning that I am not doing it unconditionally or living by the principles that I choose to live by.

I commit and allow myself to let go of my resistance towards cleaning of the stables and doing my part, and to instead breathe in the fresh air around me and help taking care of life, one step at a time.

I commit and allow myself to breathe through the resistance and to stand as one and equal within my creation of resistance to be able to change it towards this point, through breathing and letting go whilst standing up to go and clean the stables given to me.

Day 36 – Responsibility with stables, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to life in the moment of here, doing my stable in a way of just getting it finished (half heartedly), instead of doing it the way I should, all because of the fact that I am living in my mind in some other non-existing reality, instead of being here with my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like cleaning this extra stable is a burden for me at this moment, to feel that I could have done something else within this time, letting my mind wonder of and following it to where ever, instead of breathing in the fresh horse poop air (... hehe) and be here enjoying life, to have the privilege to experience life with farm animals and the care taking of them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the cleaning of the stables is not my responsibility, but someone else’s and therefore I do not have to clean it up to the standard of what is expected, creating thoughts of resistance within this moment of believe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the idea of “I have better things to do with my time” when the responsibility is given to me, creating thoughts within my mind when at stables cleaning them, thoughts where I am busy doing other “enjoyable” things like playing computer games, or watching series.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist the point of going to the stables, wishing I do not have to do it so early in the morning, especially when I have been given a second stable to clean.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist cleaning up the stables, not wanting to go there, through doing this creating a drag in the actual physical cleaning of the stable, instead of breathing and allowing myself to clean the stable, where as this will make me more effective in doing so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to shift the responsibility that has been given to me upon someone else for it is not my stable to clean, because of a point of self-interest, where as my time will be used and that I do not feel like giving it.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to be selfish with my time, not wanting to spend it on someone else, because I have a believe that I deserve this time for me, because there is a reward system still within my mind where every deed I do needs a reward given, meaning I am not living to my fullest potential, unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I need to be rewarded for everything I do, thus creating a resistance within me while doing the stable because it feels like I am not being rewarded but instead being punished.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that cleaning the stables is a punishment toward me for I have no actual horse to look after, for I have no connection to any of the horses, for I have no “fun” or “joy” with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed these thoughts to cross my mind and to accept them as a believe and through this acceptance I have created an inequality within me and towards the horses creating the experience of caring for them negative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do the stable halfway and leave the hard work for the next person who are going to clean this stable, making it just more difficult for them.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to stand within oneness and equality with the horses, and the care taking of the horses, for they are the ones spending 12 hours in that confined space, and so it has to be clean and most comfortable as possible and thus must not be influenced by me for my self-interest that plays out in the moment of the cleaning and care taking. 

Get a move on, for more info on memories and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 34 – Limitations through Tiredness

When and as I see myself creating the effect of being tired through my thought process, I stop and I breathe, within this moment I realise that I am busy creating a limitation, a limitation that will have an effect on me, where it controls me, and creates a false believe within the peoples life around me, making me not as effective and productive as much as I want and need to be.

When and as I see myself creating a limitation based on time periods that I am not home, I stop and I breathe, I realise that I should not define my state of being by the hours out working, instead live in breath, and realise that tiredness in only a limitation.

When and as I see myself giving energy to the thought of tiredness after a long day of work, or after one has worked for 12 hours, I stop and I breathe, I realise this is only a limitation, and one should not be limited to live life by the amount of work they have done.

When and as I see myself wanting to rest after a long day, limiting myself I stop and I breathe. I realise this is a pattern playing out, a pattern that works within the reward system in one’s mind, where one think they deserve to get this time for themselves because of the work they have done, this is purely a point of self-interest.

When and as I see myself standing within separation of reality because of being tired, because of the thought I had about tiredness, I stop and I breathe, I realise that I am not here, I am not in the moment, and through not being here life passes me by, making me ineffective in what I do, and want to do.

When and as I see myself not taking self-direction and are being controlled by the thought of tiredness, I stop and I breathe, I realise that I am not in control of myself, that I am being controlled and by this will affect my physical body by getting tired, making me ineffective in what I do.

When and as I see myself not wanting to do something because I am “tired” and that this activity is going to take more energy then what I have planned for, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is just a pattern and by following this pattern I will only limit myself in doing the least of what I am capable of doing.

When and as I see myself wanting to play a game of manipulation where I am the only contestant, or maybe not, I stop and I breathe I realise by wanting to manipulate other people with my tiredness I stop and I realise that I am not taking responsibility for my actions and the effects it might have, I realise that I am the only one being fooled, and held behind by this manipulation/game I am participating in.

I commit and allow myself to breathe through the thought of tiredness when it comes up to play within my mind, realising that I have to breathe to be here and not in my room in my bed watching series and being lazy.

I commit and allow myself to stand as one and as equal with this thought of tiredness when it arrive in my mind, to be able to change my direction within this limiting thought in my mind, to let go of it, and to be here in the moment of physical reality, breathing.

I commit and allowed myself to live within each and every moment as it presents itself, to be who I am within this breath of now, and to not be the though of tiredness, laziness, and a procrastinator.

Get a move on, for more info on memories and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 33 – Limitations through Tiredness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a limitation for myself through the thought of tiredness, that I believe myself when I am telling myself that I am tired, for not wanting to do anything but just rest, meaning watching series, browsing the web or playing games.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a limitation with time periods within the time where I am not home, and use that time spent away as a guide to let me know if I want to be tired or not, wanting to fool people to think that I am tired, but only fooling myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that one should be tired after a 12hour day of work, limiting my ability to continue with live, and instead want to sit down and rest, doing what I think is resting, but is not as of the fact that all these fun activities also draws energy, instead of living in the moment as breathe, I rely on energies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by this believe of tiredness to think that if I do an activity that is out of my resting boundaries, I will get tired meaning that I would want to sleep for more than 6 hours to be wide awake and be energetic the next day, meaning I am in a polarity of energies, meaning I am being controlled by these energy, not living in the moment of here and now, where energy does not exist, but only the moment and the moment of now, within the breath as here and now, one does not need energy/rest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe by doing something in a higher degree, where more activity takes place, I will burn myself out and will have the need to sleep, instead of just doing it within the moment when I feel like it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am too tired to continue with my work within the Web Development area because of the long day out I had, instead of taking on the challenge, accepting the responsibility and do it within the moment of breath where one does not need the energies of polarity, taking you on a high, then a low.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself thinking that I can fool other people to believe I am tired, and need a break, whereas I am only fooling myself within this believe, and putting this believe in control of me, directing me to do what I think is right for this moment, instead of breathing, realising that I am here, and stop manipulating other people/myself within this believe of tiredness.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to stand as one and as equal with this believe, to realise that I am the one who created this believe, and that I should stand within this believe to be able to –self-direct myself within this believe to change myself to become the effective human being that I am.

Get a move on, for more info on memories and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com