Day 47 – Dealing with Fear

What is it to fear? This word is so unfamiliar, but familiar. I have experience in an intense level at some point of my life, I was about 9 or 10 years old when this experience has come over me, to control me, and take me over to a point where I could not control myself. I remember that there was some kind of flue or virus in circulation around the world and that many people had died from this virus, and I feared that it would be me, or my family, fearing that I might lose everyone I love or die myself.

In this time of my life, I was a little boy, and the only way I could deal with this was by... crying, because of this raw sickening feeling in my stomach and all the thoughts running through my head of what’s going to happen if they die, or are no more, or when they are sick, and then I had to keep this inside of me while at school, which was the worst. I remember that every day in that time period, I was wondering in every moment if my parents would pitch up after school to pick me up, if they’d still be alive. When they did arrive, I would start to burst out in tears of fear, because it had to come out somehow, and even when I was with them, this fear controlled me to believe that they would die sometime soon, this kept on going for weeks.

But after this whole experience and knowing what it is to experience fear, I could identify it every time this feeling would show itself. As today it did.

The last 2 days has been slow with my work, and I was mostly on the farm, trapped in this whole bubble of I need rest to be able to work effectively, but as this kept up obviously  my business was slowing down, and nothing moving there really, until today, when I realised that I can’t just sit here expecting that life will happen by itself, and then this sickening feeling struck me again, but this time not because of a virus in the air (Yes, I am aware of the Ebola Virus Outbreak in Africa) but, the future, my future and what I am going to do with this future I have in my hands. How I am the responsible one to move myself within each moment of breathe, as here. To be able to move forward and make a change within the lives of others, as this is my goal, to build a better tomorrow, and through doing this, I have to work with me, make the change inside of myself to be able to move in the direction I want to go.

With this fear that I had just now, I was starting to ask myself questions, which the fear brought up, where as they consist of my decisions that I have made, if I made the correct ones, and if I should have stayed where I were before coming to the farm.  This again was then countered by me, where I made a statement, convincing myself that i have made the correct choice... but in essence I have only started a small war within my head, 2 sides battling against each other to determine which choice was the correct choice..

And that is why I am writing here, Self-correction, self-responsibility, self-direction and self-improvement, to be able to improve the world that I am living in, for all.

Next post will be SF.

Get a move on, for more info on memories and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 37 – Responsibility with stables, Part 3

When and as I see myself getting lost in thought, I stop and I breathe, I realise that by being in my thoughts while physically working I am not here with in the moment busy with my task at hand, thus can’t do it to the best of my abilities.

When and as I see myself resisting the fact that I have to clean a stable, I stop and I breathe, I realise that by resisting a responsibility will only slow me down in doing the task, and not giving me any effective solutions to doing it any quicker.

When and as I see myself following the pattern where I think I don’t have to do something to the best of my ability, I stop and I breathe, I realise that my viewpoint of the matter is not what is best for all, and that by thinking this, it influences my ability to do my task to the best of my ability.

When and as I see myself believing that I have better things to do than taking care of a horse’s stable, I stop and I breathe, I realise by acting this way is not what is best for all, only a point of self interest, and by realising this I can stand within one and equality towards this point of self-interest to change my viewpoint and my care taking of the horse’s stable.

When and as I see myself wanting to shift the responsibility of my stable onto someone else on the farm, I stop and I breathe, I realise that I am not the only one with responsibilities and by wanting to shift the weight is not fair of me, and only a point of self-interest.

When and as I see myself wanting my time for me and myself, to do whatever, I stop and I breathe I realise that by giving my energy to this thought is only creating more self-interest within me, and more resistance towards my responsibility, meaning I will not be able to live in the physical reality of here, but in my mind on what I could have done with my time if it was not to be spent here at the stables.

When and as I see myself playing out the pattern of reward, where I think I need to be rewarded for whatever I have done, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is only a point of self-interest, and by wanting a reward for everything I do is just not possible, nor is it unconditional as all my actions should be when standing as one and as equal with life.

When and as I see myself creating the wrong idea within my head because I am not rewarded with fun or quality time spent with the horses after the stables has been cleaned. I stop and I breathe, I realise by thinking this is only a self-interest and my reward pattern playing out, and by thinking this, it is only slowing me down and creating a negative experience within me, instead of doing the cleaning unconditionally and within the moment of here.

When and as I see myself only want to do a stable halfway because I am filling in for someone else, I stop and I breathe, I realise by cleaning the stable only halfway for someone else is not standing as one and equality, also meaning that I am not doing it unconditionally or living by the principles that I choose to live by.

I commit and allow myself to let go of my resistance towards cleaning of the stables and doing my part, and to instead breathe in the fresh air around me and help taking care of life, one step at a time.

I commit and allow myself to breathe through the resistance and to stand as one and equal within my creation of resistance to be able to change it towards this point, through breathing and letting go whilst standing up to go and clean the stables given to me.

Day 34 – Limitations through Tiredness

When and as I see myself creating the effect of being tired through my thought process, I stop and I breathe, within this moment I realise that I am busy creating a limitation, a limitation that will have an effect on me, where it controls me, and creates a false believe within the peoples life around me, making me not as effective and productive as much as I want and need to be.

When and as I see myself creating a limitation based on time periods that I am not home, I stop and I breathe, I realise that I should not define my state of being by the hours out working, instead live in breath, and realise that tiredness in only a limitation.

When and as I see myself giving energy to the thought of tiredness after a long day of work, or after one has worked for 12 hours, I stop and I breathe, I realise this is only a limitation, and one should not be limited to live life by the amount of work they have done.

When and as I see myself wanting to rest after a long day, limiting myself I stop and I breathe. I realise this is a pattern playing out, a pattern that works within the reward system in one’s mind, where one think they deserve to get this time for themselves because of the work they have done, this is purely a point of self-interest.

When and as I see myself standing within separation of reality because of being tired, because of the thought I had about tiredness, I stop and I breathe, I realise that I am not here, I am not in the moment, and through not being here life passes me by, making me ineffective in what I do, and want to do.

When and as I see myself not taking self-direction and are being controlled by the thought of tiredness, I stop and I breathe, I realise that I am not in control of myself, that I am being controlled and by this will affect my physical body by getting tired, making me ineffective in what I do.

When and as I see myself not wanting to do something because I am “tired” and that this activity is going to take more energy then what I have planned for, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is just a pattern and by following this pattern I will only limit myself in doing the least of what I am capable of doing.

When and as I see myself wanting to play a game of manipulation where I am the only contestant, or maybe not, I stop and I breathe I realise by wanting to manipulate other people with my tiredness I stop and I realise that I am not taking responsibility for my actions and the effects it might have, I realise that I am the only one being fooled, and held behind by this manipulation/game I am participating in.

I commit and allow myself to breathe through the thought of tiredness when it comes up to play within my mind, realising that I have to breathe to be here and not in my room in my bed watching series and being lazy.

I commit and allow myself to stand as one and as equal with this thought of tiredness when it arrive in my mind, to be able to change my direction within this limiting thought in my mind, to let go of it, and to be here in the moment of physical reality, breathing.

I commit and allowed myself to live within each and every moment as it presents itself, to be who I am within this breath of now, and to not be the though of tiredness, laziness, and a procrastinator.

Get a move on, for more info on memories and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 27 –The Realisation of What it is to Care, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on a responsibility against my will, not wanting to take care of another being and be responsible for its survival, for the sake of my time that is going to be consumed by this decision all because of self-interest, wanting my time for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a decision on an assumption that I have made, whilst not knowing the condition of the animal that I have to take care of now, that I have made my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist the point of taking care of Birdy, instead of breathing, be in the moment and give him his food/water, and take care of him to get well faster, to be free.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in another moment of time, while doing the cutting up of fruit, cleaning of water, and cage, instead of being here with what I am doing now, taking care of this newly found life form that I have discovered to be in the hand of me, my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think this is a waste of time, to look after the bird, as I was in the mind set of wanting to set it free, endangering it to get tired out there in the wild, not be able to eat, or fly for safety, and maybe dying of natural causes, where as it could have survived if he had the full strength of its body, after being taken care of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise what the consequence of my thoughts might have been if this line of thought had been kept up with me and the care taking of Birdy, not realising that this is LIFE, the essence, we are suppose to be the care takers, not the destroyers, as we act out to be the destroyers of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a believe system that we as humans has to be the care takers, not the destroyers of this world, instead of living here in the moment as one, as EQUAL with each being as we are all the care takers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take care of myself as I would for the bird, or any other living being for that matter, resulting in a poor life quality, where I will not be able to be functioning, thus not living in the moment of here, and not being able to take care.

Day 25 – One Day Off, Part 3

When and as I see myself wishing for a day off at work/home, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is only a pattern playing out, and by following this pattern I hinder the experience of now, meaning instead of doing what I wishes to do on my day off, I sit and wish, instead of actually doing it (whatever I need/want to do) through self-direction and expression.

When and as I see myself wanting to praise myself for the hard work that I have done, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is just self-interest and points of justifications to have time for myself, which will be wasted in instead of being productive in this time at home (or at work).

When and as I see myself being tired and telling myself I am tired the whole time, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is a pattern of limitation with tiredness that only slows me down in my work that is being done, making me unproductive especially when at work.

When and as I see myself procrastinating through not doing as I intend, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is just laziness that is preventing me from going out in the world to explore and create new challenges for myself.

When and as I see myself believing the justifications that I have created for why I should get a day off, I stop and I breathe. I realise these justifications are lies, as of it is just giving me false reason to why I need the day off and making the situation ok for when I do get this day of laziness off from work.

When and as I see myself believing my own justifications/lies and through doing so abusing myself, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this self-abuse is damaging to me, preventing me from living in the moment as here and as now, and limiting my living experience as it is through laziness.

When and as I see myself having the desire to be lazy and not do anything at all, I stop and I breathe. I realise this desire for laziness is hindering me, and not allowing myself to move forward, but instead to stagnate.

I commit and allow myself to let go of the idea that I need the day off from work, as this creates justification on why I need it, and to make it ok for me to think that I need this day of, creating a loop within my mind.

I commit and allow myself to realise that in the moment of thought where I think I am tired, that I stop and breathe, to realise that I am here within this moment and that I am not tired, it is just the mind that is in need of shut down for rest, basically bringing myself back to the moment of here as the physical reality out of the mind where one gets tired.

I commit and allowed myself to live each moment in the breath, to be aware of my physical body, and every part of it, to feel the life within, and to realise I am HERE, not in my past, nor in my future.

Day 24 – One Day Off, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish for a day off at work, creating a loop within my mind, where as it will be activated when I am not busy, and also not in the moment of now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to praise myself by taking a day of, because I have worked too much in the past week, creating further effects such as justification/lies that I am telling myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am tired the whole time and need some rest, even thou I have not really done anything physically, just been sitting the whole day working/playing on the computer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate life, through not doing as I direct myself to do, basically not using self-direction, where as I get stuck in front of a computer, instead of exploring my world/environment around me.

I forgive myself for that I have accepted and allowed myself to create justification in the concept of getting a day off, and then believe in these justification, fooling me by lying and abusing myself within this process of believes that I have created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be abused by myself, in the sense of believing the lies I tell myself, in the form of justifications.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the lies I tell myself, and by believing the lies, limiting myself because I know that I will not do these thing that I am telling myself that I am going to do, that is why it is a lie when it is being told.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be lazy, to sit at home and do nothing, to let the laziness take control of me never allowing me to move forward with self-direction within the moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to take on the challenge, the self-responsibility and self-direction upon the point of laziness, to be able to get up and out of my chair and to move to where I want and need to be, expressing myself within whatever I want to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the pattern of laziness get to me, to take me out of the moment of now, projecting me into the future where I have the day off, while having the day off, and to see and wish for things to do, or telling myself I will and need to do it and going to do it, where as it never gets done, creating believable lies within me, where as I would abuse myself with over and over.

Day 23 – One Day Off

Is my mind stuck in a loop? Every day, even on a day off, I am asking myself why can’t I get a day off from work, to just sit at home and chill, but then I realise I am doing it at the moment. That’s the reason for me to be able to ask this question in the first place, because when I am busy I don’t have time to think about this.

I would find that I feel that I have worked hard during the week, and deserve this a day off from work, not needing to go and do my responsible thing as I have to do every day to earn money to be able to survive. Yes, survive.

This was the problem I faced for a year and few months, always wanted that day off and never seemed to get it, even if I had a long weekend, or a 3 weeks holiday. It is as if I am tired the whole time, and then my mind gets stuck in this loop, where it thinks I still need a holiday to rest while, well, resting.

My mind would create any justifications needed to support this idea, where I would use it against myself and I would believe it. That is how one abuses self with lies and justification. You would justify the concept of “getting a day off” through telling yourself you have worked enough this week and needs rest or time to explore the outside world, or you need a little bit of “me” time, or you just need to get out of the money system to be free etc. and this list goes on as you are in the moment of thought, limiting yourself.

The thing is, this is just laziness that acts out, because when I do have the day off, I am not exploring the world, I am not taking the time for myself, and best off all I am not doing anything about the fact that I am trapped within this money system. This is all lies I tell myself just to spend my time in front of the computer or any other “useless” activity, which isn’t “me” time because I am not spending it with me.

The problem here is, I am limited by thoughts, meaning one should not use the mind, but instead take on the challenge of self-responsibility, and with self-direction to direct yourself to do what is necessary in the physical reality of now, and of course within the moment of each breath.  Meaning if you take that day off, you’re not going to spend it playing games, but actually use the time to improve yourself with the “me time” concept, or take on the challenge to get yourself out of the money system (or just accept it, learn how it works exactly and make it better for yourself) and help others in this process.

Through doing this, I’ll already break the loop which my mind is set in, when I feel tired of working.

Next post, applying SF for not taking self-responsible, Self-direction, and the justifications.