Day 66 – Imbalance, Part 3

When and as I see myself being limited through tiredness, and not wanting to do what I need to do, I stop and I breathe, I realise that this is only a pattern and a limitation, and through not directing myself I will only hinder my way forward.

When and as I see myself creating excuses for not doing something because I feel tired, I stop and I breathe, I realise that this is a pattern and through giving this patter my energy will only slow me down and in essence create an imbalance within my life where I would only get minimum done instead of what I would like to get done.

When and as I see myself participating in back-chat which results in an excuse or anything in relation to holding me back, I stop and I breathe, through doing this I can see and realise what I am busy doing - meaning creating an imbalance - and stop this process and instead stand up, and do what needs to be done.

When and as I see myself concentrating on one aspect of my life, and letting the rest go because of limitations, I stop and I breathe, doing so to be able to realise that this is only slowing me down in my process and my advancement within life, and the things I want and need to get done.

When and as I see myself falling victim for one that has no self-direction/responsibility I stop and I breathe, I realise that without self-direction/responsibility I will only create imbalance within my self which will result only in limitation.

When and as I see myself losing focus on my daily deeds, and not getting it done, I stop and I breathe, I slow down the moment to see and realise the pattern that is playing out and through doing so, I will see that if I follow down onto this path I will then not be able to reach my true potential as for who and what I am.

I commit and allow myself to stand up within these situation - to stand equal with them, to be able to take on the challenge and direct myself, through the supportive application of breathing, realising for what my reality is as here in the physical.

I commit and allow myself to do my daily duties, to stop back-chat and limitation that I have set for myself and to take on the responsibility of self to walk this process of bettering myself and thus my world around me, that is best for me, and for all.

Day 52 – Comfortability, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in uncomfortably throughout my whole life, not taking in the moment as it presents itself and just be HERE, enjoying the moment as it exists in the physical reality which I can see with me eyes, hear with my ears, and experience with my whole being.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted myself and not allowed myself through not accepting myself to be able to be comfortable with myself, and the humans around me, with which I live with each and every day, or even those that I have known for my whole life.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am making other people uncomfortable with my presence, that I have to sit still, say nothing, do nothing and just be there because maybe, just maybe I am disturbing someone, meaning I am only doing this to please everyone without even knowing what or how these people are feeling or experiencing the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be judge mental about this situation of who is comfortable with me being around, or not, judging people by their looks which in reality is not closely to what they are experiencing within themselves, and therefore I am being a "introvert".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself and my self-expression for who I am because of the uncomfortably I experience with myself and/or other people around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that people will judge me if I say something, or being scared that I will say something stupid or senseless and therefore feel uncomfortable when I am speaking (awkwardness basically).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into a pattern directly after someone has touched my shoulder, or my back when speaking to me, where I would think of the situation for the rest of the day, basically get stuck in that moment, instead of moving with each and every new moment that presents itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel awkward when I have any type of physical interaction with another human being, not being able to be comfortable with it, or with myself, and always feel like I have to retreat from the moment and get my distance from this human being - not able to express myself because of these thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the other human being I am having physical contact with feels the same way as I do (wants to retreat, or keep the distance because we are having physical contact and this needs to be done for some odd reason?) and because of this thought I am retreating, or generating the distance between us.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable having physical contact with another human being, and therefore feel like the moment will become awkward between me and this human if it continues for too long.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like a stick man within my own skin (stiff) and that I am not able to move around as comfortable as I want to, and therefore I am not really moving in the physical reality of the moment, being still and static.

I frogive myself for I have not yet accepted and allowed myself to be here in the moment as the physical, to need another human being to bring me to the moment of now through the words and actions they are speaking over me, to accept and allow myself to be here within the breathe.

Day 43 – Poverty is Real, Part 3

When and as I see myself caring only about myself and not taking in account the lives of others, I stop and I breathe. I realise by not taking into account other people and their lives are a point of self-interest a point where I only care about myself and what happens to me, and not them aswell, basically not standing as one and equal, nor standing for all life but only myself.

When and as I see myself forming an idea of people that I have not yet even met before, I stop and breathe, I realise that these thoughts of the people that I have and that I am creating about them are presumptions and this is not for who they really are, but instead that is how I treat these people then.

When and as I see myself as better or superior toward a person with no money/status, I stop and I breathe, I realise that I am this person’s equal, and so are they my equal, an none of us are superior/better than the other - for us all are one and equal.

When and as I see myself living in separation with other people just because they are poor, dangerous or have no education, I stop and I breathe, I realise that I am part of the people of this world, and so am I not separated by this, for us must move as one body together, because a body with only 50% working will not be effective/productive.

When and as I see myself dealing with poor people, and feel that I do not belong here helping them, I stop and I breathe, I realise by reacting up on this feeling will bring us no good, and that I am not being self-directive, but instead being directed with feelings/emotions.

When and as I see myself wishing that I am not there with the people, but behind a screen where I have no problems, I stop and I breathe, I realise that I am giving my energy away on an useless activity: hiding. By giving my energy away to this activity shows that I am not willing to face reality for what it is, and thus trying to escape, instead of standing up for myself, for life, and for all, to help and contribute my part in life, unconditionally.

When and as I see myself fearing that I might end up as poor as these people I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is a fear of the future, and this fear is created by me, for the future, meaning it is actually not real and that I am fearing life.

When and as I see myself clashing/colliding with my imagination/mind about what I am seeing in front of me with my physical eyes, I stop and I breathe, through this breath I realise that what I am seeing is real, and there is no need to deny this because what my eyes observe is fact, is reality, and there is no escape to it.

I commit and allow myself to face reality for what it is, and not try and to avoid it by hiding behind a computer, or in my comfort zone where I do not have to experience it.

I commit and allow myself to stand as one and as equal with each and every human being I encounter within each moment, no matter the age, sex, "race" or status they have.

I commit and allow myself to stand for live, to be here in every moment, to live life to my fullest potential, and to do what is best for all life, unconditionally.

 Get a move on, for more info on memories and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 41 – Poverty is Real

My whole life I have been living in middle to upper class areas, from pre-school up to high school and college, I have worked in an upper class area known as Rivonia, Sandton, probably the richest part of South-Africa. I have never really seen poverty, maybe a small town or two outside of where I lived, with poor people living in shacks struggling, but it did not really bother me. It felt kind of normal, because everybody can’t be rich, who’s going to be the person cleaning my house, standing at till points swiping my items through the scanner when I buy it, or fuel up my car at a petrol station, right? They have to live somewhere, and in my mind, that was their area, seem normal for me.

I never in my live had the chance to go into one of these areas, always been told that it is dangerous, and we should not try to enter it, they will steel everything from you, and maybe kidnap you, or murder you etc. So here was this idea within my mind about these people, the people living in poverty, the people we allow inside our homes to clean it, or to take care of our gardens. The people who struggle to survive. The people I don’t want to help because of this idea.

So, the idea of helping them never came up in my mind, and so it did not really bother me. It’s not me who’s trapped in that situation/poverty, I was not the one to be born into that world, I am here and this is my life which I have to make a success of, as should they with their lives... as a gardener, sure.

Until about 2-3 months ago, when I arrived in PMB, away from Gauteng which is known as the heart of our economy/country, where here in PMB all you can see is poverty, almost all that you see are shacks and little houses filled with massive families, struggling to survive, which still didn’t bother me as much because I thought of it as the same concept, until about 2 days ago, when I started to explore more in depth of what is going on, and see how they really lived.

This was not planned, it just kind of happened with my new business partners, we had to infiltrate new schools to sell our software to, and the more we explored into this territory, the more I realised that it had no end. These neighbourhoods are unbelievably big, the amounts of people are uncountable, schools are stacked with learners, and buildings are falling and breaking apart. The toilets in these schools look like shit, no other words to explain, and for a school of about 400 kids, there is only one male and one female bathroom, to be shared among them all.

These people live in real poverty; they go to school for free, where the school has to provide the kids with lunch because the parents can’t afford to give them food/money. Some of these schools can’t even provide this lunch, meaning about 400 kids or more starve every day just to attend school, and this is only in one school (a small schools). There are about 4-6 school in this area alone, 3 would be in the same area in this neighbourhood next to each other, whereas another 3 schools will be a kilometer or 2 away, all with 400-800 kids in, probably starving, with my partner at the end of the day telling me how far they have to walk each afternoon, some go as far as 15km, because they can’t afford a taxi ride of just R6.

As the days progressed with me experiencing the poverty, driving through these areas that I was told never to enter, I realised one thing, my whole life I have been living a luxurious life, never have to worry about where I am going to find food or water, or a place to sleep, or thinking will I be safe tonight? I don’t know what that is, I have never experienced it and so I realised that this way of thinking I have, is not acceptable.

The reaction within my mind was kind of weird, it was like an image within my mind that clashed with reality as I saw it, telling me this is not real, this should not be real, wtf are we doing to our fellow human beings? No one deserves to live a life like this where they can barely survive.  

Change is needed.

 Get a move on, for more info on memories and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 39 – Ego and Rejection, Part 2

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to take a situation personally, when it was purely meant for a moment of only helping someone out, and not suppose to be a moment for ego boosting, and by taking this situation personal allowing myself to get angry for what has happened.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel rejected within this situation and by feeling rejected creating a negative reaction where I get angry at the person for what has happened, allowing them to get to me and make me feel that my ego is being “hurt”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pass on information with an alternative goal of only gaining an ego boost, where my ego can feel proud of the knowledge it has within and are able to pass on, instead of doing it out of pure innocence, to help the person understanding the program better, and to be more effective through my knowledge I have to give.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be offended by the rejection of my knowledge because of the believe I have, where I believe that one should listen to me when speaking about the program just because of my 2 years experience that I have with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry, and to take it to such a point where it almost feels like my blood is boiling, instead of assisting myself within the breathe to be able to stand within myself, as here and as self direction and responsibility, because through getting angry and seeing red won’t solve the issue where the other party don’t have the time at the specific moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a clouded mind because of my ego and not being able to identify the situation for what it is, and by not being able to identify it, I just jumped in with no concern of the other persons situation, basically just reacting upon my own self-interest and what I think is best for the person and their knowledge at the present time, instead of thinking what is best for all within this situation and the most effective solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react upon this self-interest, to use this knowledge as a way to get attention to give myself a little boost with the ego, and being rejected upon this, to become angry.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to use hunger as an excuse for my anger, and to get out of this situation with no conflict, dodging a point of self-honesty/responsibility that I have to face, resolving the issue here in this moment instead of postponing it to a later stage in time.

 Get a move on, for more info on memories and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 38 – Ego and Rejection

Reactions, a negative, angry reaction I experienced the other day while trying to pass on some knowledge about a designing program and what one can do within the program to create some effects, effectively, while the person working the computer/program rejected me and my advice.

I started to explain the concept and what the cool advantages are for the person the program and then went on to show this to the person, basically to give them a quick example which would take 10 seconds literally, but as it turns out the person was under a lot of stress/pressure and had a lot of work to do, meaning they are in a rush... and while this was the case, my interference was not helping at all, thus resulting in the rejection of my help, which I in return took personally.

What went through my head was thoughts about the fact that I know what I am talking about, I have more than 2 years experience in this program, and there should be no need for this rejection when you are still learning the program, why not take my advice & example and use it, which will make the doing of the work more time effective.

After all this a started to feel like I am bursting in fire, my veins felt like they were red hot and ready to boil, but instead of feeding this anger, I just stopped and breathed, while doing this, I just reacted in a way to avoid conflict at all costs. I stepped back, made a remark about how hungry I am and that I will be leaving to feed myself and just get out of there.

 So, why did I get angry then? May be my ego which was popped in the moment of rejection, and self-interest being “damaged”, and by the fact that I think that I know-it-all within this program,(the self-interest point/ego) and now that someone doesn’t want to listen to me, I am being offended. My ego is being “hurt”, and that infuriated me, instead of just passing on the information without having an alternative goal - ego wanting to show off its knowledge.

The point of self-interest lies in where I want to be the only one knowing this stuff and helping people with it, so meaning people will be kind of dependant on me for help with the program, a way of getting attention, and this attention will be for my ego then... to make it “grow”. Basically games people play to get things their way.

 Get a move on, for more info on memories and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 28 –The Realisation of What it is to Care, Part 3

When and as I see myself resisting a point of responsibility, I stop and I breathe. I realise by resisting the point of responsibility, I am not standing as one and as equal with it, taking away my chance to participate within life, to take on the challenge of caring for a bird, to learn more about it and be an up- lifting hand to Life.

When and as I see myself deciding upon a point where I should take responsibility and the facts are based on assumptions, I stop and I breathe. I realise my assumption towards the point is not clear or may be wrong, and therefore I should not act upon it, rather question what I have observed, not making assumptions, and rather find out more about the situation, and then make my decision.

When and as I see myself resisting the point of taking care of Birdy, or any other life form, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is a real living being that I am dealing with and my care taking will have an effect upon this specific living being, and by realising this point, I should work through it by supporting myself with breathing, and being here in the physical reality of now.

When and as I see myself drifting off in space, with my mind, and not being here in the moment, I stop myself and I breathe, I realise this is the mind acting out and by identifying this act, I support myself through breathing, realising that I am here, and nowhere else, but here in this moment of physical reality cutting up the fruit for Birdy.

When and as I see myself having the mind set of setting the bird free, and not really taking care of him, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is a point of resistance towards the care taking of Birdy, if it should be kept here or be set a free, I should still look after it as if I am looking after myself.

When and as I see myself not taking care of myself, I stop and I breathe, I realise that this is my body, the only one I have, and it should be cared for by me, it is my responsibility as it is no one else’s.

I commit and allow myself to look after birdy, in such a way that if I were to be the one to be locked up in a cage – be taken care of unconditionally.

I commit and allow myself to breathe through the moment of resistance, to let it go, and to be here, in this moment of taking care of birdy, and doing so unconditionally.

I commit and allow myself to walk within this realisation of LIFE, and what it means to be alive; to take care, to love, to live, and to appreciate life as one and as equal, doing so unconditionally.

I commit and allow myself to be here, in this moment of breath in the physical reality of now taking care of birdy and myself, unconditionally.

Day 23 – One Day Off

Is my mind stuck in a loop? Every day, even on a day off, I am asking myself why can’t I get a day off from work, to just sit at home and chill, but then I realise I am doing it at the moment. That’s the reason for me to be able to ask this question in the first place, because when I am busy I don’t have time to think about this.

I would find that I feel that I have worked hard during the week, and deserve this a day off from work, not needing to go and do my responsible thing as I have to do every day to earn money to be able to survive. Yes, survive.

This was the problem I faced for a year and few months, always wanted that day off and never seemed to get it, even if I had a long weekend, or a 3 weeks holiday. It is as if I am tired the whole time, and then my mind gets stuck in this loop, where it thinks I still need a holiday to rest while, well, resting.

My mind would create any justifications needed to support this idea, where I would use it against myself and I would believe it. That is how one abuses self with lies and justification. You would justify the concept of “getting a day off” through telling yourself you have worked enough this week and needs rest or time to explore the outside world, or you need a little bit of “me” time, or you just need to get out of the money system to be free etc. and this list goes on as you are in the moment of thought, limiting yourself.

The thing is, this is just laziness that acts out, because when I do have the day off, I am not exploring the world, I am not taking the time for myself, and best off all I am not doing anything about the fact that I am trapped within this money system. This is all lies I tell myself just to spend my time in front of the computer or any other “useless” activity, which isn’t “me” time because I am not spending it with me.

The problem here is, I am limited by thoughts, meaning one should not use the mind, but instead take on the challenge of self-responsibility, and with self-direction to direct yourself to do what is necessary in the physical reality of now, and of course within the moment of each breath.  Meaning if you take that day off, you’re not going to spend it playing games, but actually use the time to improve yourself with the “me time” concept, or take on the challenge to get yourself out of the money system (or just accept it, learn how it works exactly and make it better for yourself) and help others in this process.

Through doing this, I’ll already break the loop which my mind is set in, when I feel tired of working.

Next post, applying SF for not taking self-responsible, Self-direction, and the justifications.

Day 22 – Uncertainty, Part 3

When and as I see myself separating myself from the words that I am about to speak, I stop and I breathe, I realise that I am the creator of these words that I am about to use, and should stand as one and as equal with them, as of it is mine to be expressed through me within the moment and the physical reality of now.

When and as I see myself fearing the words that I have created, I stop and I breath, I realise this fear has power over me, only if I give it the power needed to be in control of me, and with this realisation I assist myself through breathing, and being here in the physical to move through this point, and to see there is no need for fear, for my own words that I create.

When and as I see myself not standing as one and equal with my words, creating uncertainty, I stop and a I breathe, I realise these words are mine to use, as I am the creator of these words, and so do not have to be uncertain of it, while seeing that it is mine, so should I stand within them, as I express it.

When and as I see myself doubting my own words through known facts/personal experiences I stop and I breathe. I realise these events/information lies within my body, as mine and that I have no reason to doubt it, for it is mine, integrated within my physical body.

When and as I see myself creating scenarios in my mind before and event, i stop and I breathe, I realise this is a pattern playing out, and through this realisation I breathe and bring myself back to the moment of here, where as if I would continue I would create unnecessary stress for myself and the words I am about to use.

When and as I see myself just rambling of with my words, and not being self-directive with what I want to say, I stop and I breathe,  or rather slow down in this situation, and realise that I am not making sense, or speaking in confusion.

I commit and allow myself to be directive with my words that I want to use while speaking, saying what I need to say, and being certain within my words as I speak them.

I commit and allow myself to enjoy my conversations I have with other people, not to rush it off and get it over and done with.

I commit myself to express myself within the moment of conversation, saying what I want to say, and be creative, but sure to get the message across.

I commit myself to breathe in, before speaking, and as soon as I start to breathe out, to speak my words loud and clear in the correct order without being in a hurry to get it over and done with.

I commit myself to be here, in the present moment of the physical reality that I experience.

Day 20 – Uncertainty

How I have found out about my uncertainty (In terms of speaking out loud) was actually through being certain within my words, and the concept of what I was trying to portray while I was speaking with my brother and a friend the other night.

It was a moment where I could talk with no struggle, I had the words laid out in my mind, I could see them, I could feel them, and best of all I could express these words out loud with certainty, knowing what I was about to say and exactly how and in what order.

After the moment had passed I could not believe myself, this was true I had no struggle as I usually have while trying to explain something to someone. I actually aced this conversation and the explanation. I was cool after it all, phew, so don’t worry about a scene of some nervous clumsy guy getting excited about an accomplishment.

BUT, this opened up a whole new challenge for me; within my whole life that I have lived thus far I have always had a struggle with the explanation of something when putting it into words, or just talking for this matter. I have always struggled to speak out loud without being nervous, or rushing off with my sentence just to get it out and done with, instead of relaxing, and enjoying the moment of where I can talk, and tell someone more about me, or the experience I had, or just find out more about the person I am speaking with. Everything was done through a struggle, and this struggle was because I was uncertain of what I wanted to say, or how to say it, or did not know the facts so well to speak it out loud, explaining it to someone else with confidence.

This was me, since always. The only time I can remember where I was able to speak out of certainty, or with confidence was at my old job, where I was the only graphic designer, and through working with designs and the programs, I had to be certain of myself and what I was busy with doing, so whenever someone had something to say/ask, I could explain with confidence, but anything out of the graphic design region, would made me struggle, be uncertain and nervous.

So, I take on the challenge, to be certain with what I want to say/explain/express or whatsoever, even if it contains facts, or vaguely events I can’t remember too well, I will be certain with the words I know and how to speak them. I will assist myself through this challenge by breathing, to slow myself down in the moment, to see the words that I want speak out loud, to feel the words and to express myself within these words, for the words that I am about to speak is mine, as my living expression within the physical reality of here and now.

Day 19 – Music & Ego, Part 3

When and as I see myself creating a reality/illusion within the form of a memory in my mind while listening to music, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is only the ego within my mind, my self-interest, and that it is not reality, where as I support myself within this point through breathing and bringing myself back to the physical reality of now.

When and as I see myself creating barriers between me and my friends/family/girlfriend or whoever I may come into contact with, within this memory, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is only a memory that my mind has made up, it is not real, supporting myself through breath, realising each and everyone is equal.  

When and as I see myself denying the fact that life has moved on, I stop and I breathe. I realise that the past is long gone, the memories that I have not made as a teenager are also long gone, and cannot be new “made up Memories” within my mind as this takes me out of the physical reality of now and instead creates illusion, realising this I can stand as one and equal with the made up memories of me being young and free, and from this point on direct myself within the breath, the moment, as the physical reality, here.

When and as I see myself desire the perfect girl to have as my girlfriend, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is only a mind construct, believe and there is no such thing as a perfect someone just for you, and to realise we are all equal, with the support of the breath, in the moment of here as the physical reality.

When and as I see myself thinking that I am special in some way or another, I stop and I breathe. I realise my ego is creating separation within myself and the reality around me, hindering my experience with the environment and the people around me.

When and as I see myself being trapped within myself and not being able to escape, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is only my mind holding me back, and by this realisation an understanding I support myself through breathing, and bringing myself back to the physical reality of the here and now.

When and as I see myself fearing what others might think of me whenever I speak up, or do something, I stop and I breathe. I realise that the thoughts other people have about me are just thoughts, nothing real as of the fact that a thought within itself is just a thought and as an end result, does not need fearing.

When and as I see myself defying myself based on the words of others, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is abuse towards myself, self-abuse, change myself into someone for who I am not and basically living a lie.

When and as I see myself feeling depressed, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is just emotions based on past events which is not real, and that I am giving power to it and allowing it to control me, and through doing this I am busy disabling myself, not being able to be expressive within the moment, as here and not.

When and as I see myself being controlled by my ego, and the song I am listening to, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is only a song with music and lyrics, and the emotions/memories attached to it is my own doing, and through this understanding, I take responsibility for self and what I have created and from this point on forward, within the breathe I direct myself to be here, in the physical reality, with the realisation that the ego is not real, only that of which I can see and feel with my physical being is.

I commit myself to stand as one and equal with the emotions/attachments within this made up memory of mind, and from this point forward, to direct myself to breathe, and to release to let it go.

I commit myself to live in the physical reality of now, in the breath, to see and realise that I am one and equal with my surroundings, and the people I am in contact with.

Day 18 – Music & Ego, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a reality within my own mind, as a memory through listening to music, for the sake of self-interest, and my ego, where this ego gets everything that it wants enjoying every moment of it, until it brings me back to reality, to set me off in sadness, depression, longing for such a life, wanting my childhood back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe within this memory that I am the best, the coolest and most intellectual being of all, creating a barrier between me and my fellow  equal human beings, dividing us in separation and not standing as one and equal with them within this memory, where as my ego is the one “standing out” above all with these ideas/concepts of self within this memory I have created within this song.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that this is just a made up memory where I feed my ego with power over me, allowing it to control me within the moment as I am listening to the song “Man Overboard”.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to accept the fact that life has moved on, that I have responsibility now, that I have responsible for myself and no one else is responsible for me, and whatever I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire the girl of my dreams, while I know that this girl does not exist, because it is a made up mind construct of believe, where one believe that there is this girl out there specially made just for you, instead of realising that all is one and equal, none is better than the other, or special in some kind of way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am special within this memory that I have made up when listening to this song, to think that there is something about me, that I have and others does not have creating separation within me and the physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel trapped when I experience disillusionment when the memory is done playing within my mind, when thinking of where I am free, and not bound by the systems and patterns of the mind, and through experiencing this, feel depressed, sad and trapped within self, and the world around me, not able to move within the moment of breath in the physical reality.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to worry/fear what other might think of me, that there words and thought have an influence on me and the way I react and do things within this world, That I accept and allow their words and thoughts to shape me into the person I think I am today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by the words and thoughts of others, abusing myself through living in a lie, where I believe I am who I am because of what others tell me to be, through me accepting these words, instead of standing as self, in the moment of breath as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lonely/sad when listening to this song because of the fact that none of these memories are true, and through this, actually enjoying the sadness, because somehow somewhere I might get attention out of it, even if I am hiding it for everyone I know.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by the negative emotions/attachments toward this memory I have created within my mind by listening to this song.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my ego play games with me, controlling my emotions and in the end controlling me, deciding for me what to feel when, and for how long.

Day 17 – Music & Ego

I want to talk about music today, as of the fact that I am sitting here, listening to a song from the band ‘Blink 182’, it is called - Man Overboard. It has always been one of my favourite songs, especially for the ego.

Every time I hear this song, I remember an instance within my life, a reality that I have lived within once upon a time, many, many years ago... This reality was real. This reality was where I, Julian was the best, coolest and most intellectual dude you could have ever met; I had the girl of my dreams, I had the friends, and I had the awesome gifts of life, to be with these important people of my life, every night hanging out having fun and being young (and wild, if you wish?). Picture a time of your life where you had no responsibility, the only thing you had was basically fun and laughter, your parents took care of you.

As time passes by these things decay, and life moves on, but not with me, this just kept on going, forever and ever. I don’t know where forever ends, I assume this word is longer than it presents itself to be, or is it just me? Within this song I am listening to, I have no clear picture of how this memory goes on, but the memory is there, just vague. I had the love of a woman, I had the love of friends, and I had the laughter of a child with no worries in this world.

In this memory I am running in the streets, like a crazy kid would do who is listening to the kind of music that will make you just go all out within the expression of the moment, this is me expressing my inner self through what the music makes me feel, where I do not give a shit about what other people, and their thoughts may be about me. I am free from the systems, patterns, indoctrination/imprints and mind constructs that fucks me up. I am basically in this memory of me, free.

But within all this, there is a moment of quietness, a moment of deep sadness and loneliness running through this song. Why is that? Am I really free in this memory that is so real, or is this my ego playing a dirty game with me?

Nothing in this song and the memories it recalls is real. This writing/memory above is non-existing.

This is only the ego and the self-interest of the ego; everything should revolve around this ego, and if this ego does not get what it wants, well then you are going to have a bad time. It will drag you through depression, loneliness, emotional times etc. And all just for the fact that it can’t get what it wants.

This is how the ego plays dirty, it can take any song you are listening to, where it can relate your situation with, and make you Feel and attach Emotions to, just to drag you down to earth, if not underground.

 How does one fix this? Definitely not by feeding your ego with what it wants, but rather getting rid of it, piece by piece, bringing yourself to realise that life is here, in this moment as physical reality exists, there is no need for the ego.

Next post I will do SF, my starting point for where the eradication of my ego will begin.

Day 16 – Is this the Real Life or an RPG? Part 3

When and as I see myself creating an illusion within my mind, which I experience as “real” I stop and I breathe. I realise that it is only an illusion, and my reality is here at the moment as what I see it with my physical eyes, which means I embrace the place and the people around me, as real, physical reality.

When and as I see myself creating little boxes for people to identify them with, as higher, lower, or equal to me, I stop and I breathe. I realise that we all have the equal chance to live this life within the moment that is here and now in the physical reality, with no separation, groupings, and little boxes/levels to identify each other.

When and as I see myself experiencing a moment where no one and nothing is real, a moment of me separating myself from reality, I stop and I BREATHE. I realise that this is just an illusion, and this experience is the actually experience that is not real, so I assist and support myself through breathing and bringing myself back to the physical reality what is here and now.

When and as I see myself creating a barrier between me and reality, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is my mind playing its part in self-interest, wanting to separate itself from the moment of here, I support and assist myself through breathing bringing me back to the physical reality.

When and as I see myself limiting my reality with exploring the environment around me, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is just a pattern/program running, and through this understanding I support and assist myself through breathing, and directing myself towards a “goal” of what to explore within the environment through observing it with my physical eyes.

When and as I see myself limiting myself by being shy, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is just a pattern within my mind, and through this understanding I direct myself within the moment of breath, to open my mouth and to speak/say whatever I need to get across to the other person.

When and as I see myself fear for the reaction I might get out of the person whom I am communicating with, I stop, I breathe. I realise that this fear is not real, and whatever the reaction will be from this person, will not hurt/hinder me, except for when and if I allow it.

When and as I see myself defying myself by what others think of me, I stop and I breathe. I realise that the thoughts they have about me is obsolete, it is no use to me, or may influence me except for if I allow it to.

When and as I see myself getting stuck within reality, being stationary within the moment, I stop and I breathe. I realise that I am not moving, I am not Directing myself to the point where I need to be, so I assist myself within the moment of breath, to accept the challenge and responsibility to move myself, to stand up and do what I have to do.

I commit and allow myself to free the people I capture within my little prisons within my mind, to be able to be see them as my one and my equal.

I commit and allow myself to be just here, in this moment, to be aware of my environment, the people within and to realise, this is real, this is the physical reality and that I am alive, just as them.

I commit and allow myself to explore, to set myself a ‘goal’ within the moment of breath, then to stand up and direct myself towards my goal I have set through observing my environment and reality I am experiencing NOW.

I commit and allow myself to speak up when spoken to, to speak up when words are in the need of crossing my lips to communicate effectively, bold but respectful toward my equal.

Day 15 – Is this the Real Life or an RPG? Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a random illusion within my mind, where I see everybody as objects or non-living organisms and separating myself from the physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to capture people and their everyday lives into a tiny prison, separating them from me and my reality, seeing them as unimportant as they are just doing whatever they are busy with, thinking it has no influence on me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like nothing around me is real, no one is real, and that my reality is fake, and not here, meaning I am not living within the moment, as here in the physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe no one is real, except for me, and thus separating myself from them, and reality. Creating a barrier between me and them, and classifying myself above them for I am the only living person here, creating an inequality within me, and towards other people.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by this narrator, which is me and my system, patterns and programs running me, or actually just killing me, separating me from reality and the moment of now.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to experience disillusionment after the illusion has taken place, not bringing me back to the moment of here, in the physical reality, but deeper into my mind, and my systems running this mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself, for not going out into this world and explore, and see what’s new out there, to live, and take each moment as it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be shy, to not want to speak up because I fear what their reaction may be, even thou I know that no one will “bite” or hurt me, by just speaking a few words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back from talking to strangers, because I fear they may not like me, or reject me, influencing my way of how I “think” about myself, whilst this is also a system within me, powered by me.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others may think of me, creating a reaction within me, where I would retract myself from speaking up, or being bold, in the moment as here and as now, to be able to just talk, and enjoy the conversation of a stranger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am only a computer (RPG) game/character, and that I am in a stationary position, only capable of doing what my “coding (Software)” tells me I can do.

Day 14 – Is this the Real Life or an RPG?

Is this world I’m born into a massive Role Playing Game (RPG) or is this the physical reality/real life (Something I haven’t realised within myself yet)? This question would pop up after I have had a random illusion within my mind, when seeing the world around me, seeing people doing their “thing”, being “themselves” and continuing with their everyday lives, like someone or something told them to do so.

In this moment (The illusion) I would experience a feeling where I would feel like nothing I see or observe in my environment is real, the people are not real, the objects and world around me is not real, nothing is REAL, but me – my mind/conscious.

The people I see, they seem to be Non-Player Characters (NPC) in this game I am playing. The objects around me are designed out of pixels, and 3D models with animations attached to them, with no one controlling these NPC’s but the story teller (The Narrator, who the fuck is this narrator, anyone?), I’d say the narrator is the systems running within each and everyone’s mind, telling them to do what and when. Systems created by themselves/parents/friends/environment etc.

After all of this, in the state of disillusionment, and after asking the question, I would go further and ask myself... if this life is an RPG (as my experience just now would suggest), why am I still sitting here in an office, or in my home, or at the mall doing nothing but the ordinary thing 95% of our population does? Why don’t I go out there and explore, why don’t I strike up a random-ass conversation with the one next to me like in an RPG, creating a new contact/friend/partner/companion, or go out in the wild and explore nature, or just do my own thing through expressing myself?

Why do I limit myself like this? Then I realise, at this moment I AM only an RPG character just like everyone else out there who I see doing their “own thing” each and every day. The difference is I am more like an NPC within this RPG. We as humans are programmed with limited software; we only have a few patterns and programs running within this software (the mind) to get us through life, without realising that we are not even living one day of our lives.

Within this ‘separation of reality’ experience I just had, I have to realise that this RPG (game) should be uninstalled", and be re-written within my life to be able for me (and everyone else) to LIVE each day, within each moment, as here and as now in the physical reality.

Be one and equal.

Next post - SF

Day 13 – Power Saving Mode, Part 3

When and as I see myself being bored within my environment, not knowing what to do with my time, I stop and I breathe. I realise that by being bored I am not in the moment, living, but instead waiting, waiting for things to happen instead of making it happen, within the breath as physical reality, here and now.

When and as I see myself being caught up within my own mind, I stop and I breathe, I realise that this is just a pattern where I want to conserve energy, which is not real, but a made up system, I realise that the mind is not real, and that I have to become aware of my physical reality, my body, and the breath.

When and as I see myself entering the “Power Saving Mode” that I have created for myself, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is a pattern, only a program, and through this understanding I can breathe within the moment, with the realisation that it is not real, and be in the physical reality that is here, now.

Whenever I see myself limiting myself through the thought of hunger, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is just a thought, created by me, and I can let go of the thought as I realise that the thought within itself is only a thought and the only limitation I have is to something that isn’t real, such as a thought in my mind.

When and as I see myself limiting my speech/communication skills through the thought of “power saving mode” I stop, and I breathe. I realise that I am not limited, I have the vocabulary, and communications skills needed, all I have to do is apply it within the moment, through taking a deep breath, and at exhaling point, start to talk, slow and clear, knowing what I have to say.

When and as I see myself limiting myself from being interactive with other people, I stop and I breathe. I realise that I have unlimited “energy” when I walk within the moment, as the physical reality as here and now, breathing within each and every step I take to initiate the interactive course of events.

I commit myself to breathe within each moment, as I have realised the point of boredom is not real, but only an act of procrastination of life itself.

I commit myself to live with no limits to the thoughts of hunger, to breathe through it till I get myself some food, and to be in the moment as the physical reality, running on no “energy” which can be limited, but living in the moment, the breath, the physical as here and now.

I commit myself to break through the barriers of limitation when it comes to speech and communicating effectively whilst being hungry, through breathing, and being in the moment as the physical reality.

I commit myself to accept the consequences that I have created within my past, to stand as one and equal towards it, to be able to change it from this moment on forward, through breathing and support myself with breath, in the physical reality of now. 

Day 12 – Power Saving Mode, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be bored, and not knowing what to do while waiting for my clients, instead of being in the moment observing my surroundings, and explore a little more, widening my perspective of the physical world around me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to observe, and explore the new place/location that I were in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be caught up within my own mind, not being able to escape because of the boredom, and the idea that I don’t have enough energy to be active, in the physical world around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run on an invisible power source created by me, thinking that I need to save energy otherwise I will run out, going into “Power Saving Mode” not enabling myself to live in the moment, as the breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be limited by the thought of being hungry, thinking I cannot operate because I have no “energy”, even after eating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my speech/communication skills through the thought of being locked up inside of my head, because I have a limited source of energy left.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my interactive-ness through thinking I have a limited power source, which will run out soon, instead of being in the moment, with my client in the physical reality in the moment of now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think the only thing I am capable of doing effectively while feeling weak, tired and drowsy is thinking, within my head, and not being able to be in the physical world outside of my head.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to accept the consequences that I have created throughout my childhood with no-lunch packed in to school, that I have not yet stand in oneness and equality within myself and the consequences to accept it as my own, and to move forward and change myself from this point on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make this state of living a normality for myself, to think this is how I should feel, and always will feel, not doing anything to change this point of view I have within myself.

Day 11 – Power Saving Mode

Today I was at a venue busy doing work with customers as usual, but the morning was extremely slow because nothing really happen, I was bored and didn’t know what to do with myself besides walking around, sitting everywhere I can find a seat, and do the usual things one does when board.

After a while, I was caught up within my own mind, and my own thoughts, started to think that I am in a “power saving mode”. Sometime later, my first customer pitched up, this is the time I usually spark and do my thing. But not today, getting me out of my mind, back into reality was a challenge, my communication skills were up to no good, and the way I worked with the people was just not acceptable. I was trapped within my mind and couldn’t reach out to the physical world.

I am still “trapped” within my own mind as I am writing now, finding it hard to speak, to be energetic, or to be social in any way, dealing with the world outside of my mind – being interactive with others. This has made me think a little more, as I’m only capable of doing this quite effectively at the precise moment.

Throughout the years I have limited myself in a way that I would think I’ll run out of energy if I use too much of it, like a laptop running on battery. I have done this through a pattern of thoughts which started at a young age, of not packing lunch to school. Meaning I would basically have to save energy because I won’t have food later in the day.

This made me think/feel that I can’t be active, because I don’t have energy through not eating, or, when I would feel like shit (drained/weak/drowsy) I would also keep myself inactive so that I won’t use to much of this “spare” energy and within this process I would trap myself within my own mind, not being able to get out even after I have eaten.

So basically this has become my normality within me, and who I am. I am in a constant “power saving mode” only sometimes I have the opportunity to be all active, not worrying about how much energy I am using and what the consequence will be, meaning being tired afterwards.

I would like to clear this point further - Next post SF

Day 10 - Procrastination, Part 3

When and as I see myself standing in separation, or resisting the procrastination, I stop and I breathe. I realise that, by resisting it, I am not as one and equal within myself and procrastination and thus cannot be equal with it, to be able to change what is being holding me back.

When and as I see myself limiting myself through time, thinking there will not be enough to do my writing, I stop and I breathe. I realise that by limiting myself because of the thought of not having enough time will only slow me down, and increase my chances to create more patterns, and take longer than 7 years to walk my process to freedom.

When and as I see myself rushing off with my work, or postponing it, with the pattern of procrastination within my mind, I stop and I breathe. I realise that by rushing my work will only create a second opportunity to do it, which will be time wasted, meaning I will not be efficient within my time management skills, and accurate as I should be while working.

When and as I see myself being controlled by this pattern, I stop and I breathe. I realise that being controlled by a pattern, takes away my freedom, and of course, controls me, meaning I can’t do what I would like to do, or want to do, hindering my process.

When and as I see myself to be limited by time, I stop and I breathe. I realise that by keeping time about what I do when and where, and how fast, will not make me do things faster, or more accurate, instead let go of the time, and do what I have to do, in the moment, as the breathe.

When and as I see myself giving power to my believe system about breakpoints within the flow of work, I stop and I breathe. I realise that by believing this, will only create bad results, and hinder me in the way I work, and in the flow of my work, not enabling me to be effective even if I were to be disturbed.  

I commit myself to stand as one and equal to procrastination which I have created within myself, to be able to change my ways.

I commit myself to live free from time, even within the usage of time, as I have to use time because it is an important factor in my life and the things I do.

I commit myself to work thoroughly through my work, without rushing it off, within the moment as the breath.

I commit myself to stop the pattern from accoutring when procrastination start, to stand up and do what I have to do, within the moment, as breath.

I commit myself to live freely within my time periods that I have created, to be able to start with work, even if I do know it will not be done after the specific time period.

 I commit myself to realise that its only a believe system, and when it appears within my mind, I breathe and within the moment of realisation I let it go.