Day 69 – Point of Resonance (Mugging)

Continuation from previous post: Day 68 - Resonance

SO at the farm I spoke to some people where they gave me pointers on what it possibly could be and I had come to a conclusion about it.

First – Self-sabotage

Second – Attention (normally from friends)

Point of self-sabotage:

How this started – It was in the year 2008, just after we received Internet connection (ADSL Line). What the Internet did was it created an environment for me to explore the world and the knowledge that it possesses, but as a young kid I wasn’t aware that you should actually dig through heaps of info on the Internet just to get yourself at a legitimate piece of knowledge.

So within this I have found and discovered that the world is going to “end” in the year 2012 with all the conspiracy theorists and their information and evidence that they have on what is going to happen, and I actually believed this for some time. I started to think if this is true, why study, why work why slave your life away in a job one day just to die in a few years, or actually just after high school is finished?

With this believe - because of the information I have received, I didn’t do much. I have always resisted everything I do which was in direct relation with me and my future on how I am going to build this future of mine.

After I have realised now that this is all bullshit about the world coming to an end, I have stopped believing it, but the problem was… the patterns that I have created within my thought process and the doing part of it, the resistance stayed, instead of fading away as it should have. This resistance after this had built up to a point where I resist not only work but mostly with all things I am doing. I am in consistent conflict within myself.

This conflict within myself now has emerged into my mind to a way of escaping and this is where I have started to generate a resonance which is one of mugging or getting hurt – a way out, where I do not have to take the responsibility of walking out of this exit door. Purely meaning that whenever I had to do any work, I thought that the world should just rather end than me doing this right now. Or for when I would go to work in JHB, on the road sometimes I would wish that something bad happens on the road to work, just so that I don’t have to go to work. If this bad thing was to be with me or someone else, it doesn’t matter – it’s a way of not going to work, right? This is about one example, there are way more of these scenarios.

To top it off.. this is what happens deep inside of my mind, in the dark corners, the corners which I am aware of, but not directly aware of… meaning I know the thoughts are there, all I did was covering it up with “positive Thinking”, believing that these thoughts would cover those bad dirty ones up, instead of actually realising what I am busy doing. Instead of going into these dark corners in my mind, grab the thoughts and get rid of them. Which is a great starting point for now actually.

To be continued (Second conclusion – Attention)

Day 57 – Speaking Up

So, this week that had just passed I have realised that I am not playing a game anymore while working. This means that I am not nervous anymore when I have to speak to another person while on the job. I have realised that shit just got real and that I need to act like it, instead of been a clumsy guy trying to communicate with a total stranger.

Meaning, I was anxious every damn time I had to open my mouth and speak to a person, which showed where that person could see it, and it created an effect where they could see that this guy is "weak" in terms of communicating with someone else. This had an impact on me and my information I had to give over to the other person. This had resulted in a situation where they would not take me serious, where they probably thought that I am a phony or something of the sort.

This has now turned around, when I do speak up, I am able to present my information that I have, doing so clearly and effectively. This has been a game changer for me since I have realise this point, to realise that I am speaking in confidence, that only now am I able to take myself seriously of what I am doing, and by realising this and walking within my words has it only had good results for me. 

Day 47 – Dealing with Fear

What is it to fear? This word is so unfamiliar, but familiar. I have experience in an intense level at some point of my life, I was about 9 or 10 years old when this experience has come over me, to control me, and take me over to a point where I could not control myself. I remember that there was some kind of flue or virus in circulation around the world and that many people had died from this virus, and I feared that it would be me, or my family, fearing that I might lose everyone I love or die myself.

In this time of my life, I was a little boy, and the only way I could deal with this was by... crying, because of this raw sickening feeling in my stomach and all the thoughts running through my head of what’s going to happen if they die, or are no more, or when they are sick, and then I had to keep this inside of me while at school, which was the worst. I remember that every day in that time period, I was wondering in every moment if my parents would pitch up after school to pick me up, if they’d still be alive. When they did arrive, I would start to burst out in tears of fear, because it had to come out somehow, and even when I was with them, this fear controlled me to believe that they would die sometime soon, this kept on going for weeks.

But after this whole experience and knowing what it is to experience fear, I could identify it every time this feeling would show itself. As today it did.

The last 2 days has been slow with my work, and I was mostly on the farm, trapped in this whole bubble of I need rest to be able to work effectively, but as this kept up obviously  my business was slowing down, and nothing moving there really, until today, when I realised that I can’t just sit here expecting that life will happen by itself, and then this sickening feeling struck me again, but this time not because of a virus in the air (Yes, I am aware of the Ebola Virus Outbreak in Africa) but, the future, my future and what I am going to do with this future I have in my hands. How I am the responsible one to move myself within each moment of breathe, as here. To be able to move forward and make a change within the lives of others, as this is my goal, to build a better tomorrow, and through doing this, I have to work with me, make the change inside of myself to be able to move in the direction I want to go.

With this fear that I had just now, I was starting to ask myself questions, which the fear brought up, where as they consist of my decisions that I have made, if I made the correct ones, and if I should have stayed where I were before coming to the farm.  This again was then countered by me, where I made a statement, convincing myself that i have made the correct choice... but in essence I have only started a small war within my head, 2 sides battling against each other to determine which choice was the correct choice..

And that is why I am writing here, Self-correction, self-responsibility, self-direction and self-improvement, to be able to improve the world that I am living in, for all.

Next post will be SF.

Get a move on, for more info on memories and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 45 – Why Hesitate, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate before I make a call because of the fact that I can’t see the person and through that know what I might face when speaking to them, basically relying on my judgement which in any case might not be accurate at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate to make a phone call because I fear that I might not understand the person and have to ask them to explain a concept more than once, in return making them impatient with me and not my understanding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the person I am calling might not understand me, and that I have to repeat myself over and over with the person, and then after some repeating they drop the call.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when a person drops my call because they could not understand me for the reason being; communication barriers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get impatient with people that do not understand English as well as I do, and in return makes communication very difficult for us both.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate on the phone call because of this communication barrier and therefore creating impatiens and the actually hesitation because I don’t want to struggle with people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by this impatiens, through hesitating and not wanting to do the calls that I have to, instead of directing myself and push through this challenge I am facing with communicating with other people.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have confidence just to be proven wrong for when I get into a situation where I do not deal with my work, just to realise that my confidence only lies within my work I do and not in the over all.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to walk within self-direction, instead I walked in confidence which is built upon images, thoughts and patterns which all in all is not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on the idea of confidence which exists of images thoughts and patterns to build up the feeling of confidence instead of self-directing myself in every moment of breath, knowing that by being directed by self, I will not be needing confidence as of the fact that I will know what I want and need to do to get to my objective, or to complete it.

Get a move on, for more info on memories and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 44 – Why Hesitate?

Making phone calls, how silly of me to be scared of a phone call, and pressing the green button that is staring me in the face every single time after I have typed in the number I have to dial, defeated by hesitation, yes, I am. This is the problem I am facing since I have started working at my new company this year.

It started out as a nervous voice ringing through the speaker as I spoke to the person on the other end of the phone,  to a confident person knowing what I wants to say and how to say it but, within all of this, the progress, the build-up of a personality within me towards my clients and the arrangement of appointments, there are still a hesitation every time before I start dialing.

When I am in person I can start talking without fear and hesitation, instead I talk with confidence now because I know what I want to say, I have the discipline to direct myself within the moment now, knowing where I want to take this conversation to, be the king of the world in that moment.

But then again, when back at the office and I have to make a call...

It’s as if I fear the person on the other end of the phone when I have to call them, because I can’t see them, I can’t read them to see if this person will be easy to talk to or difficult and then from that point on direct myself on how to approach the situation becomes difficult.

 So, first, is the problem for my hesitation just a reflection for where I really stand within myself, my direction, my responsibility, confidence and my progress? If I were to be so confident within myself, would I not be able to call a person without hesitation? Because I am confident right and I know exactly what to say and how to say it. Meaning this confidence that I have build is real, or is it?

The only time that I will walk/talk with confidence is when I am busy with my work, meaning I don’t have the confidence yet to go out in the world to be me, to strike up a random conversation with someone, or ask a random person for directions or a question I need an answer to, I only have confidence within one field of my life, and that is my job, not in any other fields.

But then again, what is confidence really? Confidence is build upon an idea you have of yourself, an idea where you are so sure about it that you can scream it out to the world and feel good, even if its horribly wrong... So instead of relying on this concept of confidence, that is actually just screwing you up, I will instead accept the challenge and responsibility to use self-direction within self-honesty, getting behind the real reason for why I want/need confidence within a situation and then take a look at this situation, where I can see what needs to be done and through this get my deeds done by directing self, and not relying on assumed ideas/beliefs.

Get a move on, for more info on memories and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 42 – Poverty is Real, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have lived my life in ignorance not taking in account other people and their situation, just so that I can live my life to be successful without caring, and being unconditional.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form an idea about people that I have never even met before, ripping me from my ability to be able to stand as one and as equal with them, to be able to handle them as if they were my friend, and not some bad person that’s only capable of destruction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as better and superior toward poor people just because I have more money, and a bigger house than they have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from these people just because of this idea that I have of them that they are “bad” or “dangerous” people.

I forgive myself that I ahve accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is normal for some people to have it all, and some to have nothing at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience separation while driving in these poor neighbourhoods, to feel that I am not a part of these people, and that I do not belong here, and that I don’t have to be here to witness it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish that I was not in that area in that moment, because I wish that I did not see these people and the real situation that they are in, because it creates a negative reaction within me, a fear that I might be one of them one day, that I might end up like them one day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I am in a collision with reality, by not wanting to accept this reality for what it is, and to feel that I want to get out of there because this is too much to see/handle for me at this moment, to see so many, thousands of people suffering every day just because of this inequality within our world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to avoid reality, and wanting to do so by going home and hide behind the computer, where everything is fine, no problems, no people suffering and no people begging for money/food but only me and my “safety zone”, escaping reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for these people, and by this feeling being directed to want to go out of this place, instead of staying and helping, not by giving food/money but giving them a chance to educate themself to be able to work themself out of this situation. (By giving the people money/food will only encourage them to keep on doing nothing but beg, give them a permanent solution, not a temporary one.)

 Get a move on, for more info on memories and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 41 – Poverty is Real

My whole life I have been living in middle to upper class areas, from pre-school up to high school and college, I have worked in an upper class area known as Rivonia, Sandton, probably the richest part of South-Africa. I have never really seen poverty, maybe a small town or two outside of where I lived, with poor people living in shacks struggling, but it did not really bother me. It felt kind of normal, because everybody can’t be rich, who’s going to be the person cleaning my house, standing at till points swiping my items through the scanner when I buy it, or fuel up my car at a petrol station, right? They have to live somewhere, and in my mind, that was their area, seem normal for me.

I never in my live had the chance to go into one of these areas, always been told that it is dangerous, and we should not try to enter it, they will steel everything from you, and maybe kidnap you, or murder you etc. So here was this idea within my mind about these people, the people living in poverty, the people we allow inside our homes to clean it, or to take care of our gardens. The people who struggle to survive. The people I don’t want to help because of this idea.

So, the idea of helping them never came up in my mind, and so it did not really bother me. It’s not me who’s trapped in that situation/poverty, I was not the one to be born into that world, I am here and this is my life which I have to make a success of, as should they with their lives... as a gardener, sure.

Until about 2-3 months ago, when I arrived in PMB, away from Gauteng which is known as the heart of our economy/country, where here in PMB all you can see is poverty, almost all that you see are shacks and little houses filled with massive families, struggling to survive, which still didn’t bother me as much because I thought of it as the same concept, until about 2 days ago, when I started to explore more in depth of what is going on, and see how they really lived.

This was not planned, it just kind of happened with my new business partners, we had to infiltrate new schools to sell our software to, and the more we explored into this territory, the more I realised that it had no end. These neighbourhoods are unbelievably big, the amounts of people are uncountable, schools are stacked with learners, and buildings are falling and breaking apart. The toilets in these schools look like shit, no other words to explain, and for a school of about 400 kids, there is only one male and one female bathroom, to be shared among them all.

These people live in real poverty; they go to school for free, where the school has to provide the kids with lunch because the parents can’t afford to give them food/money. Some of these schools can’t even provide this lunch, meaning about 400 kids or more starve every day just to attend school, and this is only in one school (a small schools). There are about 4-6 school in this area alone, 3 would be in the same area in this neighbourhood next to each other, whereas another 3 schools will be a kilometer or 2 away, all with 400-800 kids in, probably starving, with my partner at the end of the day telling me how far they have to walk each afternoon, some go as far as 15km, because they can’t afford a taxi ride of just R6.

As the days progressed with me experiencing the poverty, driving through these areas that I was told never to enter, I realised one thing, my whole life I have been living a luxurious life, never have to worry about where I am going to find food or water, or a place to sleep, or thinking will I be safe tonight? I don’t know what that is, I have never experienced it and so I realised that this way of thinking I have, is not acceptable.

The reaction within my mind was kind of weird, it was like an image within my mind that clashed with reality as I saw it, telling me this is not real, this should not be real, wtf are we doing to our fellow human beings? No one deserves to live a life like this where they can barely survive.  

Change is needed.

 Get a move on, for more info on memories and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 40 – Ego and rejection, Part 3

When and as I see myself taking a situation personally which will result in a clouded mind, not being able to see the actually point/problem, I stop and I breathe. I realise that by taking this situation personally will only take away my ability to see the point/problem clearly and thus resulting in me getting angry or off the point and not solving the problem effectively.

When and as I see myself allowing myself to feel rejected by someone or some concept, I stop and I breathe. I realise that by allowing this rejection will only create anger, frustration and loneliness within me, where I separate myself from the physical world around me to avoid these experiences any further.

When and as I see myself wanting to share knowledge to help a person, but with and alternative goal, I stop and I breathe, I realise by doing this I am only feeding my ego with the energy that it desires, and in return opens up a possibility of getting “hurt” when one may get rejected in the act of sharing the knowledge.

When and as I see myself feeling offended by the rejection, I stop and I breathe, I realise that I am only offended because of the alternative motive/goal that I had in place, and by seeing this, it clouds my judgement and my ability to see the situation for what it really is.

When and as I see myself experiencing anger and while in its process I allow it to such a point where I can easily lose control of it, I stop and I breathe, I realise that I am the creator of this anger, and that I should not give my power to this anger and allow it to grow so far, for I am the creator of it and so should I be in control of it.

When and as I see myself clouding my mind with these thoughts and ideas for the ego and its advantage, I stop and I breathe. I realise that by doing this, I am only busy wasting away my energy and not being here within the physical reality, as for what the moment is, but somewhere lost in the midst of my mind.

When and as I see myself generating excuses to get myself out of situations, I stop and I breathe, I realise by not dealing with the situation now is being dishonest with self, and a way of escaping reality and the moment of here, postponing my chance to deal with the problem now, onto a later stage.

I commit and allow myself to be directive within a moment of anger, to direct self towards a point where I no longer feed my feelings with energy, to be clouded by them, and by this creating an illusion for what the physical reality really is, not seeing clearly basically.

I commit and allow myself to deal with a situation, rather than to create excuses to get out of it, and assisting self through this process by breathing, being here, and to be self-directive within each and every moment that presents itself.

 Get a move on, for more info on memories and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 38 – Ego and Rejection

Reactions, a negative, angry reaction I experienced the other day while trying to pass on some knowledge about a designing program and what one can do within the program to create some effects, effectively, while the person working the computer/program rejected me and my advice.

I started to explain the concept and what the cool advantages are for the person the program and then went on to show this to the person, basically to give them a quick example which would take 10 seconds literally, but as it turns out the person was under a lot of stress/pressure and had a lot of work to do, meaning they are in a rush... and while this was the case, my interference was not helping at all, thus resulting in the rejection of my help, which I in return took personally.

What went through my head was thoughts about the fact that I know what I am talking about, I have more than 2 years experience in this program, and there should be no need for this rejection when you are still learning the program, why not take my advice & example and use it, which will make the doing of the work more time effective.

After all this a started to feel like I am bursting in fire, my veins felt like they were red hot and ready to boil, but instead of feeding this anger, I just stopped and breathed, while doing this, I just reacted in a way to avoid conflict at all costs. I stepped back, made a remark about how hungry I am and that I will be leaving to feed myself and just get out of there.

 So, why did I get angry then? May be my ego which was popped in the moment of rejection, and self-interest being “damaged”, and by the fact that I think that I know-it-all within this program,(the self-interest point/ego) and now that someone doesn’t want to listen to me, I am being offended. My ego is being “hurt”, and that infuriated me, instead of just passing on the information without having an alternative goal - ego wanting to show off its knowledge.

The point of self-interest lies in where I want to be the only one knowing this stuff and helping people with it, so meaning people will be kind of dependant on me for help with the program, a way of getting attention, and this attention will be for my ego then... to make it “grow”. Basically games people play to get things their way.

 Get a move on, for more info on memories and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 37 – Responsibility with stables, Part 3

When and as I see myself getting lost in thought, I stop and I breathe, I realise that by being in my thoughts while physically working I am not here with in the moment busy with my task at hand, thus can’t do it to the best of my abilities.

When and as I see myself resisting the fact that I have to clean a stable, I stop and I breathe, I realise that by resisting a responsibility will only slow me down in doing the task, and not giving me any effective solutions to doing it any quicker.

When and as I see myself following the pattern where I think I don’t have to do something to the best of my ability, I stop and I breathe, I realise that my viewpoint of the matter is not what is best for all, and that by thinking this, it influences my ability to do my task to the best of my ability.

When and as I see myself believing that I have better things to do than taking care of a horse’s stable, I stop and I breathe, I realise by acting this way is not what is best for all, only a point of self interest, and by realising this I can stand within one and equality towards this point of self-interest to change my viewpoint and my care taking of the horse’s stable.

When and as I see myself wanting to shift the responsibility of my stable onto someone else on the farm, I stop and I breathe, I realise that I am not the only one with responsibilities and by wanting to shift the weight is not fair of me, and only a point of self-interest.

When and as I see myself wanting my time for me and myself, to do whatever, I stop and I breathe I realise that by giving my energy to this thought is only creating more self-interest within me, and more resistance towards my responsibility, meaning I will not be able to live in the physical reality of here, but in my mind on what I could have done with my time if it was not to be spent here at the stables.

When and as I see myself playing out the pattern of reward, where I think I need to be rewarded for whatever I have done, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is only a point of self-interest, and by wanting a reward for everything I do is just not possible, nor is it unconditional as all my actions should be when standing as one and as equal with life.

When and as I see myself creating the wrong idea within my head because I am not rewarded with fun or quality time spent with the horses after the stables has been cleaned. I stop and I breathe, I realise by thinking this is only a self-interest and my reward pattern playing out, and by thinking this, it is only slowing me down and creating a negative experience within me, instead of doing the cleaning unconditionally and within the moment of here.

When and as I see myself only want to do a stable halfway because I am filling in for someone else, I stop and I breathe, I realise by cleaning the stable only halfway for someone else is not standing as one and equality, also meaning that I am not doing it unconditionally or living by the principles that I choose to live by.

I commit and allow myself to let go of my resistance towards cleaning of the stables and doing my part, and to instead breathe in the fresh air around me and help taking care of life, one step at a time.

I commit and allow myself to breathe through the resistance and to stand as one and equal within my creation of resistance to be able to change it towards this point, through breathing and letting go whilst standing up to go and clean the stables given to me.

Day 36 – Responsibility with stables, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to life in the moment of here, doing my stable in a way of just getting it finished (half heartedly), instead of doing it the way I should, all because of the fact that I am living in my mind in some other non-existing reality, instead of being here with my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like cleaning this extra stable is a burden for me at this moment, to feel that I could have done something else within this time, letting my mind wonder of and following it to where ever, instead of breathing in the fresh horse poop air (... hehe) and be here enjoying life, to have the privilege to experience life with farm animals and the care taking of them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the cleaning of the stables is not my responsibility, but someone else’s and therefore I do not have to clean it up to the standard of what is expected, creating thoughts of resistance within this moment of believe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the idea of “I have better things to do with my time” when the responsibility is given to me, creating thoughts within my mind when at stables cleaning them, thoughts where I am busy doing other “enjoyable” things like playing computer games, or watching series.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist the point of going to the stables, wishing I do not have to do it so early in the morning, especially when I have been given a second stable to clean.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist cleaning up the stables, not wanting to go there, through doing this creating a drag in the actual physical cleaning of the stable, instead of breathing and allowing myself to clean the stable, where as this will make me more effective in doing so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to shift the responsibility that has been given to me upon someone else for it is not my stable to clean, because of a point of self-interest, where as my time will be used and that I do not feel like giving it.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to be selfish with my time, not wanting to spend it on someone else, because I have a believe that I deserve this time for me, because there is a reward system still within my mind where every deed I do needs a reward given, meaning I am not living to my fullest potential, unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I need to be rewarded for everything I do, thus creating a resistance within me while doing the stable because it feels like I am not being rewarded but instead being punished.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that cleaning the stables is a punishment toward me for I have no actual horse to look after, for I have no connection to any of the horses, for I have no “fun” or “joy” with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed these thoughts to cross my mind and to accept them as a believe and through this acceptance I have created an inequality within me and towards the horses creating the experience of caring for them negative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do the stable halfway and leave the hard work for the next person who are going to clean this stable, making it just more difficult for them.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to stand within oneness and equality with the horses, and the care taking of the horses, for they are the ones spending 12 hours in that confined space, and so it has to be clean and most comfortable as possible and thus must not be influenced by me for my self-interest that plays out in the moment of the cleaning and care taking. 

Get a move on, for more info on memories and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 35 – Responsibility with stables

I was given the responsibility today to do a second stable, and while doing this I realised that I did it half heartedly. This stable is someone else’s responsibility and I am just filling in on their behalf, not realising that all of the stables here are everyone’s responsibility equally, we just divided the work in sections so that one person does not have to do all of the work.

So while cleaning up the horse’s stable this morning I had a lot of thoughts about what I am doing, and why I am doing it, and how I resisted doing it, without realising this simple concept of why I am actually doing it in the first place.

I rushed myself to get done because, hey it’s not my stable, not my responsibility, I am just filling in for someone, so why should I clean it as if it is my stable, taking care of the business as I would when doing my own stable? They will clean it up nice and tidy when they have to do it again tomorrow. This was my attitude this morning, until this afternoon when I realised that I should not be thinking and acting this way, it’s a fucked up perspective to have, this is a horse’s sleeping place for the night and I am busy messing this up for him because of my self-interest, and not wanting to take the responsibility and time to help someone else and the horse out.

So I realised this, and had to take action on my way of seeing and doing this extra responsibility, through breathing and directing myself, whilst being in the moment of here. Directing self to do this as if it is my own, my sole responsibility even thou it is not, this is in correlation with the principle of: give as you would like to receive. Meaning if someone else had to do my stable (Basically giving me their labour), I would want them to do it as if it were their own, not leaving a mess for me to clean, and so I have to do this stable the way I would like to receive it, simple as that.

So, this means I have to change my way, stand as one and as equal within this responsibility I resist, and then from this point forward I can change it through self-forgiveness and self-application – will be done in next post.

Day 29 – Into the Deep

Today I am going to talk about being thrown into the deep, within a situation and my struggle to move within this moment, as I have a brother which I am relying on. I went out for a business trip together with my brother and his partner today where as I was given the chance to drive for the first time in 2 months, not knowing the roads, or how the people react and drive within this area, and a new car, with 6 gears and a clutch that’s extremely high. . Whereas I am used to a car with 5 gears, a low clutch and a familiar area where I can predict and know how people will react and drive.

So this was the first instance, it was not so bad but, it did get me to be a little bit nervous while driving and for the rest of the day every time I drive I’d feel these nerves. As the day progressed we got to a point, where as this is the second instance... We had to go see people and that’s all I knew, thought it was an appointment they made, so as we got there my brother and his partner randomly told me that we have to work in groups to go and see people, we have never met or made an appointment with. Remember this is a business trip; we go out and see people to generate leads, to be able to get our product out there, to make a difference, as of the fact that this is an educational software product that we are selling.

They said we need to split up into 3 groups, where we will choose 3 buildings, and then go to the building of choice, and just randomly introduces ourselves to the receptionist telling what and why we are here, putting our goal out there, so that they can get us to a person to speak with, so that we will be able to get into the building and the people working in it, effectively.

Now, the deep side for me is... I am not a person who just goes out and start talking and exploring with random people to sell a product to, this is a believe system that I have created for myself, a limitation, not only within selling stuff, but in general as well. All my life I have told this to myself, and I have no reason why. Is it because I am a quit person? A person that likes being alone, and not around a lot of people? No, this should not be the case, I am only going in there for 5 to 10 minutes to generate a lead and then I am out, no need to be an extrovert for that, just a need for confidence, self-direction and a goal, short, direct and sweet, if the need for small talk arises, sure I can do that. But, the fear, the nerves, the thoughts of what’s going to happen when I do walk in there, scared me, what should I say I have no goal at this moment, no direction, and no confidence because I need the first two options... What if I mess this up? All these thoughts pop up into my mind, creating scenarios and shit, which will never come true, and if it does come true, damn, just deal with it (Even thou they did give me a goal, where as I should give myself direction, and confidence within the moment).

Now, I was against this, I wanted an example from someone to see how it is done, and then I can follow the lead to go alone. I did not say anything, just waited for my brother to speak up... It did not happen, so his partner said, “Ok, we need to get going” and so he went to a building to do his thing, with me and my brother just standing there, me of course waiting for my brother, and he probably waited for me to do something, and then after a few seconds he suggested a building, and we went there, us not splitting apart.

So my point is... I am reliant on my brother, as I was since the day I can remember, for the last six/seven years where he was not around, I would have done these things, but not today. As soon as he is nearby, I always look at him for an answer, wanting him to take the lead, wanting him to take the responsibility and challenges. Not me doing these things on my own and this is one of my biggest points I have to work through where I want my brother to take the responsibility, and show me the way. Otherwise for as long as I have him around and not working through this point, I will always be reliant/dependant on him, and not making my own choices, taking on my own challenges, not taking on my own responsibility and will never be able to move forward as an individual within self-direction within this world.

Day 27 –The Realisation of What it is to Care, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on a responsibility against my will, not wanting to take care of another being and be responsible for its survival, for the sake of my time that is going to be consumed by this decision all because of self-interest, wanting my time for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a decision on an assumption that I have made, whilst not knowing the condition of the animal that I have to take care of now, that I have made my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist the point of taking care of Birdy, instead of breathing, be in the moment and give him his food/water, and take care of him to get well faster, to be free.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in another moment of time, while doing the cutting up of fruit, cleaning of water, and cage, instead of being here with what I am doing now, taking care of this newly found life form that I have discovered to be in the hand of me, my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think this is a waste of time, to look after the bird, as I was in the mind set of wanting to set it free, endangering it to get tired out there in the wild, not be able to eat, or fly for safety, and maybe dying of natural causes, where as it could have survived if he had the full strength of its body, after being taken care of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise what the consequence of my thoughts might have been if this line of thought had been kept up with me and the care taking of Birdy, not realising that this is LIFE, the essence, we are suppose to be the care takers, not the destroyers, as we act out to be the destroyers of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a believe system that we as humans has to be the care takers, not the destroyers of this world, instead of living here in the moment as one, as EQUAL with each being as we are all the care takers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take care of myself as I would for the bird, or any other living being for that matter, resulting in a poor life quality, where I will not be able to be functioning, thus not living in the moment of here, and not being able to take care.

Day 21 – Uncertainty, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be separate from the words that I want to use, to not be connected with what I am about to say, to be able to be certain about my saying, to then fear that I will struggle to get the words out, making me nervous, and rushing myself off to get it over and done with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the words that I am going to use in any instance, to fear that I may stumble and fall upon them, and then feels like I am just throwing them out there hoping for the best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand within the words that I want to speak, to be certain of the words, and to see the words, so that I may be able to use these word to communicate effectively with the other person, to be here in the moment in every breath while speaking to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself, and the facts, opinions, memories I have and want to share with whomever, to think that the other person can see through me, and my uncertainty that I have about these things, creating my very own problem of the uncertainty, a big loop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be uncertain of myself, and my experiences, and to be uncertain on HOW to communicate these experiences with someone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a scenario within my head of how I am going to say whatever I want to say, creating unnecessary stress before speaking, which leads up to  speaking fast, unclear, and confusing the other person with my words.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be expressive with my words, to enjoy speaking when I have to, to be in the moment of now and not in the near future in my mind of how I am going to say the next sentence, where in the mean time I lose the information that is being spoken of in the conversation I am having.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to be self-directive with what I want to say, to know for sure what the message is that I want to get across to the person and to be effective with doing in so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the words that I want to use, to think I will mess it up, and to fear the messing up part, all before it has happened, instead of realising that I am here, in the breathe, and be directive with myself and my words within this moment of here and now in the physical reality as I experience it.

Day 19 – Music & Ego, Part 3

When and as I see myself creating a reality/illusion within the form of a memory in my mind while listening to music, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is only the ego within my mind, my self-interest, and that it is not reality, where as I support myself within this point through breathing and bringing myself back to the physical reality of now.

When and as I see myself creating barriers between me and my friends/family/girlfriend or whoever I may come into contact with, within this memory, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is only a memory that my mind has made up, it is not real, supporting myself through breath, realising each and everyone is equal.  

When and as I see myself denying the fact that life has moved on, I stop and I breathe. I realise that the past is long gone, the memories that I have not made as a teenager are also long gone, and cannot be new “made up Memories” within my mind as this takes me out of the physical reality of now and instead creates illusion, realising this I can stand as one and equal with the made up memories of me being young and free, and from this point on direct myself within the breath, the moment, as the physical reality, here.

When and as I see myself desire the perfect girl to have as my girlfriend, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is only a mind construct, believe and there is no such thing as a perfect someone just for you, and to realise we are all equal, with the support of the breath, in the moment of here as the physical reality.

When and as I see myself thinking that I am special in some way or another, I stop and I breathe. I realise my ego is creating separation within myself and the reality around me, hindering my experience with the environment and the people around me.

When and as I see myself being trapped within myself and not being able to escape, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is only my mind holding me back, and by this realisation an understanding I support myself through breathing, and bringing myself back to the physical reality of the here and now.

When and as I see myself fearing what others might think of me whenever I speak up, or do something, I stop and I breathe. I realise that the thoughts other people have about me are just thoughts, nothing real as of the fact that a thought within itself is just a thought and as an end result, does not need fearing.

When and as I see myself defying myself based on the words of others, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is abuse towards myself, self-abuse, change myself into someone for who I am not and basically living a lie.

When and as I see myself feeling depressed, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is just emotions based on past events which is not real, and that I am giving power to it and allowing it to control me, and through doing this I am busy disabling myself, not being able to be expressive within the moment, as here and not.

When and as I see myself being controlled by my ego, and the song I am listening to, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is only a song with music and lyrics, and the emotions/memories attached to it is my own doing, and through this understanding, I take responsibility for self and what I have created and from this point on forward, within the breathe I direct myself to be here, in the physical reality, with the realisation that the ego is not real, only that of which I can see and feel with my physical being is.

I commit myself to stand as one and equal with the emotions/attachments within this made up memory of mind, and from this point forward, to direct myself to breathe, and to release to let it go.

I commit myself to live in the physical reality of now, in the breath, to see and realise that I am one and equal with my surroundings, and the people I am in contact with.

Day 17 – Music & Ego

I want to talk about music today, as of the fact that I am sitting here, listening to a song from the band ‘Blink 182’, it is called - Man Overboard. It has always been one of my favourite songs, especially for the ego.

Every time I hear this song, I remember an instance within my life, a reality that I have lived within once upon a time, many, many years ago... This reality was real. This reality was where I, Julian was the best, coolest and most intellectual dude you could have ever met; I had the girl of my dreams, I had the friends, and I had the awesome gifts of life, to be with these important people of my life, every night hanging out having fun and being young (and wild, if you wish?). Picture a time of your life where you had no responsibility, the only thing you had was basically fun and laughter, your parents took care of you.

As time passes by these things decay, and life moves on, but not with me, this just kept on going, forever and ever. I don’t know where forever ends, I assume this word is longer than it presents itself to be, or is it just me? Within this song I am listening to, I have no clear picture of how this memory goes on, but the memory is there, just vague. I had the love of a woman, I had the love of friends, and I had the laughter of a child with no worries in this world.

In this memory I am running in the streets, like a crazy kid would do who is listening to the kind of music that will make you just go all out within the expression of the moment, this is me expressing my inner self through what the music makes me feel, where I do not give a shit about what other people, and their thoughts may be about me. I am free from the systems, patterns, indoctrination/imprints and mind constructs that fucks me up. I am basically in this memory of me, free.

But within all this, there is a moment of quietness, a moment of deep sadness and loneliness running through this song. Why is that? Am I really free in this memory that is so real, or is this my ego playing a dirty game with me?

Nothing in this song and the memories it recalls is real. This writing/memory above is non-existing.

This is only the ego and the self-interest of the ego; everything should revolve around this ego, and if this ego does not get what it wants, well then you are going to have a bad time. It will drag you through depression, loneliness, emotional times etc. And all just for the fact that it can’t get what it wants.

This is how the ego plays dirty, it can take any song you are listening to, where it can relate your situation with, and make you Feel and attach Emotions to, just to drag you down to earth, if not underground.

 How does one fix this? Definitely not by feeding your ego with what it wants, but rather getting rid of it, piece by piece, bringing yourself to realise that life is here, in this moment as physical reality exists, there is no need for the ego.

Next post I will do SF, my starting point for where the eradication of my ego will begin.

Day 13 – Power Saving Mode, Part 3

When and as I see myself being bored within my environment, not knowing what to do with my time, I stop and I breathe. I realise that by being bored I am not in the moment, living, but instead waiting, waiting for things to happen instead of making it happen, within the breath as physical reality, here and now.

When and as I see myself being caught up within my own mind, I stop and I breathe, I realise that this is just a pattern where I want to conserve energy, which is not real, but a made up system, I realise that the mind is not real, and that I have to become aware of my physical reality, my body, and the breath.

When and as I see myself entering the “Power Saving Mode” that I have created for myself, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is a pattern, only a program, and through this understanding I can breathe within the moment, with the realisation that it is not real, and be in the physical reality that is here, now.

Whenever I see myself limiting myself through the thought of hunger, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is just a thought, created by me, and I can let go of the thought as I realise that the thought within itself is only a thought and the only limitation I have is to something that isn’t real, such as a thought in my mind.

When and as I see myself limiting my speech/communication skills through the thought of “power saving mode” I stop, and I breathe. I realise that I am not limited, I have the vocabulary, and communications skills needed, all I have to do is apply it within the moment, through taking a deep breath, and at exhaling point, start to talk, slow and clear, knowing what I have to say.

When and as I see myself limiting myself from being interactive with other people, I stop and I breathe. I realise that I have unlimited “energy” when I walk within the moment, as the physical reality as here and now, breathing within each and every step I take to initiate the interactive course of events.

I commit myself to breathe within each moment, as I have realised the point of boredom is not real, but only an act of procrastination of life itself.

I commit myself to live with no limits to the thoughts of hunger, to breathe through it till I get myself some food, and to be in the moment as the physical reality, running on no “energy” which can be limited, but living in the moment, the breath, the physical as here and now.

I commit myself to break through the barriers of limitation when it comes to speech and communicating effectively whilst being hungry, through breathing, and being in the moment as the physical reality.

I commit myself to accept the consequences that I have created within my past, to stand as one and equal towards it, to be able to change it from this moment on forward, through breathing and support myself with breath, in the physical reality of now. 

Day 12 – Power Saving Mode, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be bored, and not knowing what to do while waiting for my clients, instead of being in the moment observing my surroundings, and explore a little more, widening my perspective of the physical world around me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to observe, and explore the new place/location that I were in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be caught up within my own mind, not being able to escape because of the boredom, and the idea that I don’t have enough energy to be active, in the physical world around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run on an invisible power source created by me, thinking that I need to save energy otherwise I will run out, going into “Power Saving Mode” not enabling myself to live in the moment, as the breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be limited by the thought of being hungry, thinking I cannot operate because I have no “energy”, even after eating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my speech/communication skills through the thought of being locked up inside of my head, because I have a limited source of energy left.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my interactive-ness through thinking I have a limited power source, which will run out soon, instead of being in the moment, with my client in the physical reality in the moment of now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think the only thing I am capable of doing effectively while feeling weak, tired and drowsy is thinking, within my head, and not being able to be in the physical world outside of my head.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to accept the consequences that I have created throughout my childhood with no-lunch packed in to school, that I have not yet stand in oneness and equality within myself and the consequences to accept it as my own, and to move forward and change myself from this point on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make this state of living a normality for myself, to think this is how I should feel, and always will feel, not doing anything to change this point of view I have within myself.

Day 11 – Power Saving Mode

Today I was at a venue busy doing work with customers as usual, but the morning was extremely slow because nothing really happen, I was bored and didn’t know what to do with myself besides walking around, sitting everywhere I can find a seat, and do the usual things one does when board.

After a while, I was caught up within my own mind, and my own thoughts, started to think that I am in a “power saving mode”. Sometime later, my first customer pitched up, this is the time I usually spark and do my thing. But not today, getting me out of my mind, back into reality was a challenge, my communication skills were up to no good, and the way I worked with the people was just not acceptable. I was trapped within my mind and couldn’t reach out to the physical world.

I am still “trapped” within my own mind as I am writing now, finding it hard to speak, to be energetic, or to be social in any way, dealing with the world outside of my mind – being interactive with others. This has made me think a little more, as I’m only capable of doing this quite effectively at the precise moment.

Throughout the years I have limited myself in a way that I would think I’ll run out of energy if I use too much of it, like a laptop running on battery. I have done this through a pattern of thoughts which started at a young age, of not packing lunch to school. Meaning I would basically have to save energy because I won’t have food later in the day.

This made me think/feel that I can’t be active, because I don’t have energy through not eating, or, when I would feel like shit (drained/weak/drowsy) I would also keep myself inactive so that I won’t use to much of this “spare” energy and within this process I would trap myself within my own mind, not being able to get out even after I have eaten.

So basically this has become my normality within me, and who I am. I am in a constant “power saving mode” only sometimes I have the opportunity to be all active, not worrying about how much energy I am using and what the consequence will be, meaning being tired afterwards.

I would like to clear this point further - Next post SF