Day 30 – Into the Deep, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not feel the car, and enabling me to drive it with confidence, but blaming the 6 gears and clutch for my baddriving that I am practicing, where as I would generate a feeling of nervousness and then start making mistakes, not being here within the moment of now, and driving.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make excuses for why my driving sucks in the new area, and why I am on my nerves instead of being self-honest, get to the point of the problem and deal with it, within the assistance of breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a believe system within my mind, that I am a quit person, and through this believe limiting myself from exploring, going out in to the world and be myself and be confident within speech when I have to use it to get information from other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be limited by wanting an example of how something must be done, instead of going out there, doing it myself and explore the world with all it’s possibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not be directive within the moment, but instead waiting on my brother to speak up and make the choice for us, being afraid of what might happen if I go to a building to speak to someone and find out information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for wanting to have no responsibilities, and instead rely on my brother to take the responsibility that we share within that moment, among the three of us.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid to take on my own challenges that is given to me, not taking the chance when the window of opportunity presents itself within the moment of discussion, an opportunity for me to explore myself for who I am in a situation where I am being thrown into the “Deep Side” of things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be unable to create my goal of what has to be achieved within this day, directly after I have been given the information of my objective, creating the problem where I have no self-direction, or idea what to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be clouded by the reaction of nervousness within my body, not being able to move forward with self-direction within the moment as the breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always want to rely on my brother, as of the feeling of safety I get, having a small comfort zone bubble with me when he is around, knowing that he will have my back when I can’t control the situation with my speech when dealing with other people, instead of being here, in the moment with self-direction, knowing where I want to go, and what I need to do to get to the end point of this goal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always want to look at my brother for an answer, or a solution to the problem, instead of being in the moment, slowing it down, through breathing and see the answer/solution to the problem/challenge and then speak up with what I have realised the solution or answer may be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give the lead of where things are headed in any situation to my brother, instead of standing up for myself, being here in this moment of physical reality and take the lead within walking in self-direction/realisation within each moment of breath to create the outcome of the situation in the way it is needed to be created - the most practical solution.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to take on the challenge, the responsibility and the lead whenever the opportunity presents itself, whereas I may have the way to beat the challenge, to overcome it in the best practical way possible.

Day 27 –The Realisation of What it is to Care, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on a responsibility against my will, not wanting to take care of another being and be responsible for its survival, for the sake of my time that is going to be consumed by this decision all because of self-interest, wanting my time for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a decision on an assumption that I have made, whilst not knowing the condition of the animal that I have to take care of now, that I have made my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist the point of taking care of Birdy, instead of breathing, be in the moment and give him his food/water, and take care of him to get well faster, to be free.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in another moment of time, while doing the cutting up of fruit, cleaning of water, and cage, instead of being here with what I am doing now, taking care of this newly found life form that I have discovered to be in the hand of me, my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think this is a waste of time, to look after the bird, as I was in the mind set of wanting to set it free, endangering it to get tired out there in the wild, not be able to eat, or fly for safety, and maybe dying of natural causes, where as it could have survived if he had the full strength of its body, after being taken care of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise what the consequence of my thoughts might have been if this line of thought had been kept up with me and the care taking of Birdy, not realising that this is LIFE, the essence, we are suppose to be the care takers, not the destroyers, as we act out to be the destroyers of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a believe system that we as humans has to be the care takers, not the destroyers of this world, instead of living here in the moment as one, as EQUAL with each being as we are all the care takers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take care of myself as I would for the bird, or any other living being for that matter, resulting in a poor life quality, where I will not be able to be functioning, thus not living in the moment of here, and not being able to take care.

Day 26 –The Realisation of What it is to Care.

The realisation of what it is to really take care of another life form. In this instance a little bird, that has been injured, do not know how thou but, I was giving the responsibility to look after him for the next few weeks or so. I am going to call it birdy, short and sweet.

At first I said yes I’ll do it but, with hesitation because I know this is going to take a moment out of my day that I have to spend with the bird, giving him food/water, cleaning his cage and then my room, he seems to like it to aim outside of the cage when taking his poo, shooting all over, maybe he has a personal best record which he wants to break on how far he can get that poo to go? Anyway, this time I was not really willing to give away for this bird, I felt he needed to be set free, but is too weak to be set free, so from the first moment of this responsibility I received, I was doing it just because I have to, and for the worst I did this with resistance, a lot of resistance.

I have birdy for a week and a few days now, and within this whole time every morning when I would wake up, I would do my own thing first, taking “care” of me, self-interest. Then after a while I will give him food, with the mood of I don’t want to do this man, come on, this is my time being wasted, all because of the thought that we should set it free of course.

In this time, I have tried to let him free in my room, just to give him some space and not to be trapped in his cage, as of the fact that he comes from the wild, he was not tamed to live in a cage or by the presence of a human, and so this must be some horrible experience for him.

 Because of the thought I had (about we should set him free), I would try and get him out of the cage to be free for a bit, and with limits within my room so he doesn’t escape. So as I went to the cage, he would already start to breathe fast, and make some soft whistling sound, (and take his first poo, aiming somewhere outside the cage, of course) and as I would stuck my hand in the cage, he would jump around madly, with somewhere in between another poo taken, more than once. I have never caught him until this day. I am still trying.

All of the above was done with resistance until my brother came into my room, and spoke about the birdy, and the care taking. As he came in, he asked me who am I when I am taking care of this bird, who am I in the present moment of opening that cage door, taking the food/water out to replace it? He would go on to ask me this question, until I’d answer him, which I couldn’t, because who am I in that moment of doing it? I am not Julian, this is just a name with tags connected to it, linking all my information together of “who I am suppose to be”, none of it is me, I am Here not in the past, and what/how I do it within the moment of here, is who I am. So with birdy, I was basically only a point of resistance each and every time trying to connect with him, to let him see it is save he can trust me, I will not hurt him, but how can he trust me if he experience a point of resistance within me, every time when I am working with him, and trying to earn his trust?

At this moment, I had the realisation that I am not really taking care of this life form I had in my care and my responsibility, one that I am suppose to be one and equal with, in every breath of every moment, one I should be taking care off as I would take care of myself. So I realised this whole point where I could clearly see I was not taking care of him, and so it reflects back on me, showing myself that I am not really taking care of me, and myself. The concept I had of taking care (of myself or any living form) was all wrong, this brought a tear (or two) to my eye, which I could not stop for the first time in my life, I could not hold back my own reaction, so deep and strong was this realisation. In this same moment I also realised what LIFE is. I realised what shit we as humans do to this earth, the one and only thing that provides us with food/water, shelter, and LIFE, to be able to live here and experience the magnificence, to have that one chance (your life) to life as one as equal with all, taking care of all, the environment, the beautiful earth, instead of destroying it. All of this was realised within one moment. A moment of where I have to make a stance for myself, for life, for all as one and as equal.

This I will have to do step by step, beginning small, with little birdy in his cage and of how scared he is of me, taking it breath by breath, releasing the resistance and working in harmony with birdy, and instead within the moment of doing, actually expressing myself, enjoying replacing his food/water, taking care of him in a way as if I am the one in that cage, injured. Really taking take, and not just filling up of food/water. Because, how would you like to be taken care of, if you were to put in a cage, for protection, to get you healed up before you are set a free again? 

Day 24 – One Day Off, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish for a day off at work, creating a loop within my mind, where as it will be activated when I am not busy, and also not in the moment of now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to praise myself by taking a day of, because I have worked too much in the past week, creating further effects such as justification/lies that I am telling myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am tired the whole time and need some rest, even thou I have not really done anything physically, just been sitting the whole day working/playing on the computer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate life, through not doing as I direct myself to do, basically not using self-direction, where as I get stuck in front of a computer, instead of exploring my world/environment around me.

I forgive myself for that I have accepted and allowed myself to create justification in the concept of getting a day off, and then believe in these justification, fooling me by lying and abusing myself within this process of believes that I have created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be abused by myself, in the sense of believing the lies I tell myself, in the form of justifications.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the lies I tell myself, and by believing the lies, limiting myself because I know that I will not do these thing that I am telling myself that I am going to do, that is why it is a lie when it is being told.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be lazy, to sit at home and do nothing, to let the laziness take control of me never allowing me to move forward with self-direction within the moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to take on the challenge, the self-responsibility and self-direction upon the point of laziness, to be able to get up and out of my chair and to move to where I want and need to be, expressing myself within whatever I want to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the pattern of laziness get to me, to take me out of the moment of now, projecting me into the future where I have the day off, while having the day off, and to see and wish for things to do, or telling myself I will and need to do it and going to do it, where as it never gets done, creating believable lies within me, where as I would abuse myself with over and over.

Day 22 – Uncertainty, Part 3

When and as I see myself separating myself from the words that I am about to speak, I stop and I breathe, I realise that I am the creator of these words that I am about to use, and should stand as one and as equal with them, as of it is mine to be expressed through me within the moment and the physical reality of now.

When and as I see myself fearing the words that I have created, I stop and I breath, I realise this fear has power over me, only if I give it the power needed to be in control of me, and with this realisation I assist myself through breathing, and being here in the physical to move through this point, and to see there is no need for fear, for my own words that I create.

When and as I see myself not standing as one and equal with my words, creating uncertainty, I stop and a I breathe, I realise these words are mine to use, as I am the creator of these words, and so do not have to be uncertain of it, while seeing that it is mine, so should I stand within them, as I express it.

When and as I see myself doubting my own words through known facts/personal experiences I stop and I breathe. I realise these events/information lies within my body, as mine and that I have no reason to doubt it, for it is mine, integrated within my physical body.

When and as I see myself creating scenarios in my mind before and event, i stop and I breathe, I realise this is a pattern playing out, and through this realisation I breathe and bring myself back to the moment of here, where as if I would continue I would create unnecessary stress for myself and the words I am about to use.

When and as I see myself just rambling of with my words, and not being self-directive with what I want to say, I stop and I breathe,  or rather slow down in this situation, and realise that I am not making sense, or speaking in confusion.

I commit and allow myself to be directive with my words that I want to use while speaking, saying what I need to say, and being certain within my words as I speak them.

I commit and allow myself to enjoy my conversations I have with other people, not to rush it off and get it over and done with.

I commit myself to express myself within the moment of conversation, saying what I want to say, and be creative, but sure to get the message across.

I commit myself to breathe in, before speaking, and as soon as I start to breathe out, to speak my words loud and clear in the correct order without being in a hurry to get it over and done with.

I commit myself to be here, in the present moment of the physical reality that I experience.

Day 21 – Uncertainty, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be separate from the words that I want to use, to not be connected with what I am about to say, to be able to be certain about my saying, to then fear that I will struggle to get the words out, making me nervous, and rushing myself off to get it over and done with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the words that I am going to use in any instance, to fear that I may stumble and fall upon them, and then feels like I am just throwing them out there hoping for the best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand within the words that I want to speak, to be certain of the words, and to see the words, so that I may be able to use these word to communicate effectively with the other person, to be here in the moment in every breath while speaking to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself, and the facts, opinions, memories I have and want to share with whomever, to think that the other person can see through me, and my uncertainty that I have about these things, creating my very own problem of the uncertainty, a big loop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be uncertain of myself, and my experiences, and to be uncertain on HOW to communicate these experiences with someone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a scenario within my head of how I am going to say whatever I want to say, creating unnecessary stress before speaking, which leads up to  speaking fast, unclear, and confusing the other person with my words.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be expressive with my words, to enjoy speaking when I have to, to be in the moment of now and not in the near future in my mind of how I am going to say the next sentence, where in the mean time I lose the information that is being spoken of in the conversation I am having.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to be self-directive with what I want to say, to know for sure what the message is that I want to get across to the person and to be effective with doing in so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the words that I want to use, to think I will mess it up, and to fear the messing up part, all before it has happened, instead of realising that I am here, in the breathe, and be directive with myself and my words within this moment of here and now in the physical reality as I experience it.

Day 20 – Uncertainty

How I have found out about my uncertainty (In terms of speaking out loud) was actually through being certain within my words, and the concept of what I was trying to portray while I was speaking with my brother and a friend the other night.

It was a moment where I could talk with no struggle, I had the words laid out in my mind, I could see them, I could feel them, and best of all I could express these words out loud with certainty, knowing what I was about to say and exactly how and in what order.

After the moment had passed I could not believe myself, this was true I had no struggle as I usually have while trying to explain something to someone. I actually aced this conversation and the explanation. I was cool after it all, phew, so don’t worry about a scene of some nervous clumsy guy getting excited about an accomplishment.

BUT, this opened up a whole new challenge for me; within my whole life that I have lived thus far I have always had a struggle with the explanation of something when putting it into words, or just talking for this matter. I have always struggled to speak out loud without being nervous, or rushing off with my sentence just to get it out and done with, instead of relaxing, and enjoying the moment of where I can talk, and tell someone more about me, or the experience I had, or just find out more about the person I am speaking with. Everything was done through a struggle, and this struggle was because I was uncertain of what I wanted to say, or how to say it, or did not know the facts so well to speak it out loud, explaining it to someone else with confidence.

This was me, since always. The only time I can remember where I was able to speak out of certainty, or with confidence was at my old job, where I was the only graphic designer, and through working with designs and the programs, I had to be certain of myself and what I was busy with doing, so whenever someone had something to say/ask, I could explain with confidence, but anything out of the graphic design region, would made me struggle, be uncertain and nervous.

So, I take on the challenge, to be certain with what I want to say/explain/express or whatsoever, even if it contains facts, or vaguely events I can’t remember too well, I will be certain with the words I know and how to speak them. I will assist myself through this challenge by breathing, to slow myself down in the moment, to see the words that I want speak out loud, to feel the words and to express myself within these words, for the words that I am about to speak is mine, as my living expression within the physical reality of here and now.

Day 19 – Music & Ego, Part 3

When and as I see myself creating a reality/illusion within the form of a memory in my mind while listening to music, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is only the ego within my mind, my self-interest, and that it is not reality, where as I support myself within this point through breathing and bringing myself back to the physical reality of now.

When and as I see myself creating barriers between me and my friends/family/girlfriend or whoever I may come into contact with, within this memory, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is only a memory that my mind has made up, it is not real, supporting myself through breath, realising each and everyone is equal.  

When and as I see myself denying the fact that life has moved on, I stop and I breathe. I realise that the past is long gone, the memories that I have not made as a teenager are also long gone, and cannot be new “made up Memories” within my mind as this takes me out of the physical reality of now and instead creates illusion, realising this I can stand as one and equal with the made up memories of me being young and free, and from this point on direct myself within the breath, the moment, as the physical reality, here.

When and as I see myself desire the perfect girl to have as my girlfriend, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is only a mind construct, believe and there is no such thing as a perfect someone just for you, and to realise we are all equal, with the support of the breath, in the moment of here as the physical reality.

When and as I see myself thinking that I am special in some way or another, I stop and I breathe. I realise my ego is creating separation within myself and the reality around me, hindering my experience with the environment and the people around me.

When and as I see myself being trapped within myself and not being able to escape, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is only my mind holding me back, and by this realisation an understanding I support myself through breathing, and bringing myself back to the physical reality of the here and now.

When and as I see myself fearing what others might think of me whenever I speak up, or do something, I stop and I breathe. I realise that the thoughts other people have about me are just thoughts, nothing real as of the fact that a thought within itself is just a thought and as an end result, does not need fearing.

When and as I see myself defying myself based on the words of others, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is abuse towards myself, self-abuse, change myself into someone for who I am not and basically living a lie.

When and as I see myself feeling depressed, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is just emotions based on past events which is not real, and that I am giving power to it and allowing it to control me, and through doing this I am busy disabling myself, not being able to be expressive within the moment, as here and not.

When and as I see myself being controlled by my ego, and the song I am listening to, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is only a song with music and lyrics, and the emotions/memories attached to it is my own doing, and through this understanding, I take responsibility for self and what I have created and from this point on forward, within the breathe I direct myself to be here, in the physical reality, with the realisation that the ego is not real, only that of which I can see and feel with my physical being is.

I commit myself to stand as one and equal with the emotions/attachments within this made up memory of mind, and from this point forward, to direct myself to breathe, and to release to let it go.

I commit myself to live in the physical reality of now, in the breath, to see and realise that I am one and equal with my surroundings, and the people I am in contact with.

Day 17 – Music & Ego

I want to talk about music today, as of the fact that I am sitting here, listening to a song from the band ‘Blink 182’, it is called - Man Overboard. It has always been one of my favourite songs, especially for the ego.

Every time I hear this song, I remember an instance within my life, a reality that I have lived within once upon a time, many, many years ago... This reality was real. This reality was where I, Julian was the best, coolest and most intellectual dude you could have ever met; I had the girl of my dreams, I had the friends, and I had the awesome gifts of life, to be with these important people of my life, every night hanging out having fun and being young (and wild, if you wish?). Picture a time of your life where you had no responsibility, the only thing you had was basically fun and laughter, your parents took care of you.

As time passes by these things decay, and life moves on, but not with me, this just kept on going, forever and ever. I don’t know where forever ends, I assume this word is longer than it presents itself to be, or is it just me? Within this song I am listening to, I have no clear picture of how this memory goes on, but the memory is there, just vague. I had the love of a woman, I had the love of friends, and I had the laughter of a child with no worries in this world.

In this memory I am running in the streets, like a crazy kid would do who is listening to the kind of music that will make you just go all out within the expression of the moment, this is me expressing my inner self through what the music makes me feel, where I do not give a shit about what other people, and their thoughts may be about me. I am free from the systems, patterns, indoctrination/imprints and mind constructs that fucks me up. I am basically in this memory of me, free.

But within all this, there is a moment of quietness, a moment of deep sadness and loneliness running through this song. Why is that? Am I really free in this memory that is so real, or is this my ego playing a dirty game with me?

Nothing in this song and the memories it recalls is real. This writing/memory above is non-existing.

This is only the ego and the self-interest of the ego; everything should revolve around this ego, and if this ego does not get what it wants, well then you are going to have a bad time. It will drag you through depression, loneliness, emotional times etc. And all just for the fact that it can’t get what it wants.

This is how the ego plays dirty, it can take any song you are listening to, where it can relate your situation with, and make you Feel and attach Emotions to, just to drag you down to earth, if not underground.

 How does one fix this? Definitely not by feeding your ego with what it wants, but rather getting rid of it, piece by piece, bringing yourself to realise that life is here, in this moment as physical reality exists, there is no need for the ego.

Next post I will do SF, my starting point for where the eradication of my ego will begin.

Day 16 – Is this the Real Life or an RPG? Part 3

When and as I see myself creating an illusion within my mind, which I experience as “real” I stop and I breathe. I realise that it is only an illusion, and my reality is here at the moment as what I see it with my physical eyes, which means I embrace the place and the people around me, as real, physical reality.

When and as I see myself creating little boxes for people to identify them with, as higher, lower, or equal to me, I stop and I breathe. I realise that we all have the equal chance to live this life within the moment that is here and now in the physical reality, with no separation, groupings, and little boxes/levels to identify each other.

When and as I see myself experiencing a moment where no one and nothing is real, a moment of me separating myself from reality, I stop and I BREATHE. I realise that this is just an illusion, and this experience is the actually experience that is not real, so I assist and support myself through breathing and bringing myself back to the physical reality what is here and now.

When and as I see myself creating a barrier between me and reality, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is my mind playing its part in self-interest, wanting to separate itself from the moment of here, I support and assist myself through breathing bringing me back to the physical reality.

When and as I see myself limiting my reality with exploring the environment around me, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is just a pattern/program running, and through this understanding I support and assist myself through breathing, and directing myself towards a “goal” of what to explore within the environment through observing it with my physical eyes.

When and as I see myself limiting myself by being shy, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is just a pattern within my mind, and through this understanding I direct myself within the moment of breath, to open my mouth and to speak/say whatever I need to get across to the other person.

When and as I see myself fear for the reaction I might get out of the person whom I am communicating with, I stop, I breathe. I realise that this fear is not real, and whatever the reaction will be from this person, will not hurt/hinder me, except for when and if I allow it.

When and as I see myself defying myself by what others think of me, I stop and I breathe. I realise that the thoughts they have about me is obsolete, it is no use to me, or may influence me except for if I allow it to.

When and as I see myself getting stuck within reality, being stationary within the moment, I stop and I breathe. I realise that I am not moving, I am not Directing myself to the point where I need to be, so I assist myself within the moment of breath, to accept the challenge and responsibility to move myself, to stand up and do what I have to do.

I commit and allow myself to free the people I capture within my little prisons within my mind, to be able to be see them as my one and my equal.

I commit and allow myself to be just here, in this moment, to be aware of my environment, the people within and to realise, this is real, this is the physical reality and that I am alive, just as them.

I commit and allow myself to explore, to set myself a ‘goal’ within the moment of breath, then to stand up and direct myself towards my goal I have set through observing my environment and reality I am experiencing NOW.

I commit and allow myself to speak up when spoken to, to speak up when words are in the need of crossing my lips to communicate effectively, bold but respectful toward my equal.

Day 15 – Is this the Real Life or an RPG? Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a random illusion within my mind, where I see everybody as objects or non-living organisms and separating myself from the physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to capture people and their everyday lives into a tiny prison, separating them from me and my reality, seeing them as unimportant as they are just doing whatever they are busy with, thinking it has no influence on me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like nothing around me is real, no one is real, and that my reality is fake, and not here, meaning I am not living within the moment, as here in the physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe no one is real, except for me, and thus separating myself from them, and reality. Creating a barrier between me and them, and classifying myself above them for I am the only living person here, creating an inequality within me, and towards other people.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by this narrator, which is me and my system, patterns and programs running me, or actually just killing me, separating me from reality and the moment of now.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to experience disillusionment after the illusion has taken place, not bringing me back to the moment of here, in the physical reality, but deeper into my mind, and my systems running this mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself, for not going out into this world and explore, and see what’s new out there, to live, and take each moment as it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be shy, to not want to speak up because I fear what their reaction may be, even thou I know that no one will “bite” or hurt me, by just speaking a few words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back from talking to strangers, because I fear they may not like me, or reject me, influencing my way of how I “think” about myself, whilst this is also a system within me, powered by me.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others may think of me, creating a reaction within me, where I would retract myself from speaking up, or being bold, in the moment as here and as now, to be able to just talk, and enjoy the conversation of a stranger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am only a computer (RPG) game/character, and that I am in a stationary position, only capable of doing what my “coding (Software)” tells me I can do.

Day 14 – Is this the Real Life or an RPG?

Is this world I’m born into a massive Role Playing Game (RPG) or is this the physical reality/real life (Something I haven’t realised within myself yet)? This question would pop up after I have had a random illusion within my mind, when seeing the world around me, seeing people doing their “thing”, being “themselves” and continuing with their everyday lives, like someone or something told them to do so.

In this moment (The illusion) I would experience a feeling where I would feel like nothing I see or observe in my environment is real, the people are not real, the objects and world around me is not real, nothing is REAL, but me – my mind/conscious.

The people I see, they seem to be Non-Player Characters (NPC) in this game I am playing. The objects around me are designed out of pixels, and 3D models with animations attached to them, with no one controlling these NPC’s but the story teller (The Narrator, who the fuck is this narrator, anyone?), I’d say the narrator is the systems running within each and everyone’s mind, telling them to do what and when. Systems created by themselves/parents/friends/environment etc.

After all of this, in the state of disillusionment, and after asking the question, I would go further and ask myself... if this life is an RPG (as my experience just now would suggest), why am I still sitting here in an office, or in my home, or at the mall doing nothing but the ordinary thing 95% of our population does? Why don’t I go out there and explore, why don’t I strike up a random-ass conversation with the one next to me like in an RPG, creating a new contact/friend/partner/companion, or go out in the wild and explore nature, or just do my own thing through expressing myself?

Why do I limit myself like this? Then I realise, at this moment I AM only an RPG character just like everyone else out there who I see doing their “own thing” each and every day. The difference is I am more like an NPC within this RPG. We as humans are programmed with limited software; we only have a few patterns and programs running within this software (the mind) to get us through life, without realising that we are not even living one day of our lives.

Within this ‘separation of reality’ experience I just had, I have to realise that this RPG (game) should be uninstalled", and be re-written within my life to be able for me (and everyone else) to LIVE each day, within each moment, as here and as now in the physical reality.

Be one and equal.

Next post - SF

Day 13 – Power Saving Mode, Part 3

When and as I see myself being bored within my environment, not knowing what to do with my time, I stop and I breathe. I realise that by being bored I am not in the moment, living, but instead waiting, waiting for things to happen instead of making it happen, within the breath as physical reality, here and now.

When and as I see myself being caught up within my own mind, I stop and I breathe, I realise that this is just a pattern where I want to conserve energy, which is not real, but a made up system, I realise that the mind is not real, and that I have to become aware of my physical reality, my body, and the breath.

When and as I see myself entering the “Power Saving Mode” that I have created for myself, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is a pattern, only a program, and through this understanding I can breathe within the moment, with the realisation that it is not real, and be in the physical reality that is here, now.

Whenever I see myself limiting myself through the thought of hunger, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is just a thought, created by me, and I can let go of the thought as I realise that the thought within itself is only a thought and the only limitation I have is to something that isn’t real, such as a thought in my mind.

When and as I see myself limiting my speech/communication skills through the thought of “power saving mode” I stop, and I breathe. I realise that I am not limited, I have the vocabulary, and communications skills needed, all I have to do is apply it within the moment, through taking a deep breath, and at exhaling point, start to talk, slow and clear, knowing what I have to say.

When and as I see myself limiting myself from being interactive with other people, I stop and I breathe. I realise that I have unlimited “energy” when I walk within the moment, as the physical reality as here and now, breathing within each and every step I take to initiate the interactive course of events.

I commit myself to breathe within each moment, as I have realised the point of boredom is not real, but only an act of procrastination of life itself.

I commit myself to live with no limits to the thoughts of hunger, to breathe through it till I get myself some food, and to be in the moment as the physical reality, running on no “energy” which can be limited, but living in the moment, the breath, the physical as here and now.

I commit myself to break through the barriers of limitation when it comes to speech and communicating effectively whilst being hungry, through breathing, and being in the moment as the physical reality.

I commit myself to accept the consequences that I have created within my past, to stand as one and equal towards it, to be able to change it from this moment on forward, through breathing and support myself with breath, in the physical reality of now. 

Day 12 – Power Saving Mode, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be bored, and not knowing what to do while waiting for my clients, instead of being in the moment observing my surroundings, and explore a little more, widening my perspective of the physical world around me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to observe, and explore the new place/location that I were in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be caught up within my own mind, not being able to escape because of the boredom, and the idea that I don’t have enough energy to be active, in the physical world around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run on an invisible power source created by me, thinking that I need to save energy otherwise I will run out, going into “Power Saving Mode” not enabling myself to live in the moment, as the breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be limited by the thought of being hungry, thinking I cannot operate because I have no “energy”, even after eating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my speech/communication skills through the thought of being locked up inside of my head, because I have a limited source of energy left.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my interactive-ness through thinking I have a limited power source, which will run out soon, instead of being in the moment, with my client in the physical reality in the moment of now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think the only thing I am capable of doing effectively while feeling weak, tired and drowsy is thinking, within my head, and not being able to be in the physical world outside of my head.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to accept the consequences that I have created throughout my childhood with no-lunch packed in to school, that I have not yet stand in oneness and equality within myself and the consequences to accept it as my own, and to move forward and change myself from this point on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make this state of living a normality for myself, to think this is how I should feel, and always will feel, not doing anything to change this point of view I have within myself.

Day 11 – Power Saving Mode

Today I was at a venue busy doing work with customers as usual, but the morning was extremely slow because nothing really happen, I was bored and didn’t know what to do with myself besides walking around, sitting everywhere I can find a seat, and do the usual things one does when board.

After a while, I was caught up within my own mind, and my own thoughts, started to think that I am in a “power saving mode”. Sometime later, my first customer pitched up, this is the time I usually spark and do my thing. But not today, getting me out of my mind, back into reality was a challenge, my communication skills were up to no good, and the way I worked with the people was just not acceptable. I was trapped within my mind and couldn’t reach out to the physical world.

I am still “trapped” within my own mind as I am writing now, finding it hard to speak, to be energetic, or to be social in any way, dealing with the world outside of my mind – being interactive with others. This has made me think a little more, as I’m only capable of doing this quite effectively at the precise moment.

Throughout the years I have limited myself in a way that I would think I’ll run out of energy if I use too much of it, like a laptop running on battery. I have done this through a pattern of thoughts which started at a young age, of not packing lunch to school. Meaning I would basically have to save energy because I won’t have food later in the day.

This made me think/feel that I can’t be active, because I don’t have energy through not eating, or, when I would feel like shit (drained/weak/drowsy) I would also keep myself inactive so that I won’t use to much of this “spare” energy and within this process I would trap myself within my own mind, not being able to get out even after I have eaten.

So basically this has become my normality within me, and who I am. I am in a constant “power saving mode” only sometimes I have the opportunity to be all active, not worrying about how much energy I am using and what the consequence will be, meaning being tired afterwards.

I would like to clear this point further - Next post SF

The Desteni of Living - My Declaration of Principle

I hereby commit myself to live the following principles

1. Realising and living my utmost potential

2. Living by the principle of what is best for all – guiding me in thought, word and deed to always in all ways direct problems to the best possible outcome for all

3. Living by the principle of self honesty – to ensure I am pure in thought, word and deed: that my within and without is equal and one. Who I am within is who I am without and vice-versa

4. Self Purification through Writing, Self Forgiveness and Self Application – the action of realising I am responsible for my own thoughts, words and deeds, to forgive myself for transgressions and change myself to ensure I take responsibility for who, what and how I am and through this know that I can trust myself to always be honest with me and so others

5. Living the principle of Self Responsibility – realising only I am responsible for what I accept and allow inside of me, my relationships and my outside world and so with this responsibility: only I have the power and ability to change that which I see is compromising who I am, what I live and how this affects others

6. Realising that who I am in thought, word and deed affects not only myself – but others as well and so with Self Responsibility in thought, word and deed – I take responsibility for myself and so my relationships to be Self Aware in every moment and live in such a way that is best for me and so others as well

7. Living the Principle of Self Awareness – to be aware, to see, to recognize my own thoughts and Mind, to be self honest to the extent where I can take responsibility for when I see my thoughts / Mind is not what is best for me / others and commit to immediately take responsibility and change for myself and so for others

8. With taking responsibility for myself, becoming aware of myself – take responsibility and become aware of others in my life, to assist and support them as I am assisting and supporting myself – to give as you would like to receive and do the extra bit every day to see where I can contribute to other’s lives and so my own

9. Living the principle of self trust – as I commit myself to remain constant in my living of self honesty, self responsibility and self awareness, I stand as an unbending trust that I always in all ways know who I am no matter what I face and that in this I know, as proven in the constancy of my living that I will always honour and stand by what is best for all and so best for me

10. Making Love Visible – through me not accepting/allowing anything less than my utmost potential, I support those in my life to reach their utmost potential, to love them as I have shown love to myself by gifting to me my utmost potential, the best life/living experience and show others as I have shown myself what it means to LIVE

11. No one can save you, save yourself – the realisation that the tools and principles of Desteni is the guide, but I must walk the path myself. We are here to assist and support each other in this process from Consciousness to Awareness/LIFE and what it means to live – but the process itself, where you are alone with yourself in your own Mind: is walked alone

12. Not waiting for anything or anyone to take responsibility for me and this world – but that I realise I have created who and how I am in this moment, therefore I have the responsibility to change who and how I am and so the realisation that we as a collective created how and what this world is today and so it is the responsibility of the collective to change how and what this world is today

13. Honouring the life in each person, animal – everything from the great to the small of earth, that we expand our awareness and responsibility to creating the best possible life for everyone and everything and so ourselves

14. Relationships as Agreements: individuals coming together using agreements as a platform to one-on-one expand, grow and develop as individuals in life and living to support/assist each other unconditionally to reach their utmost potential where the agreement is a coming together of individuals understanding what it means to stand as equals and to stand as one

15. Sex as Self Expression – where sex is an united expression between individuals in honour, respect, consideration and regard of each other as equals, two physical bodies uniting in equality and oneness – a merging of two equals as one physically.

16. Realising that by the virtue of me being in this world – my responsibility does not only extend to my own Mind / my own Life, but to the minds and lives of everything and everyone of this earth and so my commitment is to extend this awareness to all of humanity to work together and live together to make this world heaven on earth for ourselves and the generations to come

17. I must in my thoughts, words and deeds – but most importantly in my living actions, become a living example for others in my world that is noticeable and visible when it comes to the potential of a person to change themselves and so change their world. So that more people can realise how we can change this world, by standing united in our self change within the principle of what is best for all to bring heaven to earth

18. I am the change I want to see in me and my world – to bring heaven to earth is to bring into being, into living the LIVING PROOF of a PRACTICAL HEAVEN that can be seen and heard in our actions and words. We are the Living Heaven that must come into creation in this living world.

19. Through purifying my thoughts, words and deeds – my inner becomes my outer, so I bring into creation me as heaven into earth, realising it is not enough to ‘see the change / be the change’ – for change to become REAL it must be a constant, consistent living of me through the words I speak and the actions I live visible and noticeable to all in every moment of breath

20. Realising that my physical body is my temple – my physical body is the living flesh through which and in which I will bring into being and create / manifest heaven on earth as me in my thoughts, words and deeds and so I honour, respect and regard – nurture and support my physical body as I would nurture and support me as equals: my body is me

21. We are the change in ourselves and this world we have been waiting for: and so I commit to dedicate myself and my life for each one as all to realise this, as nothing will change if we don’t change in all that we are, within and without

22. The realisation that for me to be able to change myself in thought, word and deed to the most effective living being that I can be and become – I first have to ‘know thyself’ and so commit myself to investigate, introspect and understand how I became who I am today, to prepare the road before me into self creation of a responsible, aware, self honest and trustworthy person for myself and so for all

23. The realisation that for me to be able to contribute to change in this world – I have to get to ‘know thyself’ as this world and so commit myself to research, investigate and introspect the inner and outer workings of this world and align the systems of today to present and give the best possible life for all on Earth