Day 52 – Comfortability, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in uncomfortably throughout my whole life, not taking in the moment as it presents itself and just be HERE, enjoying the moment as it exists in the physical reality which I can see with me eyes, hear with my ears, and experience with my whole being.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted myself and not allowed myself through not accepting myself to be able to be comfortable with myself, and the humans around me, with which I live with each and every day, or even those that I have known for my whole life.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am making other people uncomfortable with my presence, that I have to sit still, say nothing, do nothing and just be there because maybe, just maybe I am disturbing someone, meaning I am only doing this to please everyone without even knowing what or how these people are feeling or experiencing the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be judge mental about this situation of who is comfortable with me being around, or not, judging people by their looks which in reality is not closely to what they are experiencing within themselves, and therefore I am being a "introvert".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself and my self-expression for who I am because of the uncomfortably I experience with myself and/or other people around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that people will judge me if I say something, or being scared that I will say something stupid or senseless and therefore feel uncomfortable when I am speaking (awkwardness basically).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into a pattern directly after someone has touched my shoulder, or my back when speaking to me, where I would think of the situation for the rest of the day, basically get stuck in that moment, instead of moving with each and every new moment that presents itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel awkward when I have any type of physical interaction with another human being, not being able to be comfortable with it, or with myself, and always feel like I have to retreat from the moment and get my distance from this human being - not able to express myself because of these thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the other human being I am having physical contact with feels the same way as I do (wants to retreat, or keep the distance because we are having physical contact and this needs to be done for some odd reason?) and because of this thought I am retreating, or generating the distance between us.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable having physical contact with another human being, and therefore feel like the moment will become awkward between me and this human if it continues for too long.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like a stick man within my own skin (stiff) and that I am not able to move around as comfortable as I want to, and therefore I am not really moving in the physical reality of the moment, being still and static.

I frogive myself for I have not yet accepted and allowed myself to be here in the moment as the physical, to need another human being to bring me to the moment of now through the words and actions they are speaking over me, to accept and allow myself to be here within the breathe.

Day 48 – Dealing with Fear, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear a virus, to fear that I might get sick, to fear that my family might get sick, and from this sickness die, leaving me behind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my energy to this fear, feeding it in such a way that it has power over me, controlling me in every moment of the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be enslaved by this fear, that was generated through the news I heard over the television/radio, through hearing how dangerous it is, and the total deaths that was caused by it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate these thoughts in my mind where I would lose my family and be all alone and through these thoughts being controlled and entrapped by this fear not able to function normally, but instead wanting to cry and hide the whole time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my thoughts, that were not even real, but based on ideas and news that I heard, thinking it was already spreading wildly in South Africa, even when it was not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need rest to be able to function properly, and that without this rest I won’t be able to do my job effectively, but in reality I feel fine, meaning this is just laziness kicking in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lazy, and then wanting to react on it by going home and do nothing, at home, just watch series or playing games.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself into this bubble of rest, where I think I deserve it for working hard the past 3 days, letting my reward system get the best of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am entitled to have a day or 3 off because of the past 3 days of hard working, not realising that this has an effect on not only me, but my business as well, slowing me down with the progress that I want to see and make.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I will just receive everything in life on a silver platter, not having to work for what I want, instead of standing up, and go get/do it myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the future, for the fact that I am not working on it in the present, thinking that I will get nowhere within life, and by these thoughts, generating fear of the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand still for so long, instead of resting for one day or half a day and then get back to work, where as these actions of mine will have a consequence, and not by realising this, I instead keep on resting to a point where I start generating fears just to be able to move forward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose sight of my self-direction because of this feeling I get where I think/feel like I need rest, and that I can take advantage of the situation when it presents itself because of my hard work I had put into the past few days.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate a battlefield within my mind because of this fear, splitting my consciousness into two sides, battling against each other for which decision I made was the correct one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand as one and as equal with this fear, to embrace it and life it out, for when that is done, then I will be able to work through it effectively, see each point I have to deal with in order to make a change within myself and these thoughts I am having that generates this fear.

Get a move on, for more info on memories and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 31 – Into the Deep, Part 3

When and as I see myself shifting blame around in any way, I stop and I breathe. I realise that I am the one responsible for how I am driving and not the car with its weird gears, I realise by blaming the car will not make me a better driver, or solve my problem, but only take my energy which could have been used to improve my driving skills.

When and as I see myself generating excuses for my actions, I stop and I breathe, I realise that these excuses only makes me on my nerves and does not help me in any direction.

When and as I see myself feeding this believe system where I would go on and believe that I am a quite person, and doesn’t like interacting with other people, I stop and I breathe, I slow down my moment and thought process to see this believe system clearly, to realise that I am not a quit person, but I am also not a loud person, but I am who I am within this moment of breathe, as who I am here and now.

When and as I see myself hesitating on my actions because I want an example before I stumble myself into a situation to experience my own well, experience with the specific situation, I stop and I breathe, i realise that by hesitating to participates within life is an act of the mind, a limitation, a fear, when this is realised, I assist myself through breathing where in the same instance I use SELF-Direction to MOVE forward and do what has to be done.

When and as I see myself depending on my brother to make the first choice in what has to follow next within a situation, I stop and I breathe. I realise that by depending on my brother, I will never be able to move and direct myself forward within this world, but instead stand still. By this realisation, I must part myself from the dependency which I have on my brother, to give him space to be able to move and direct, and in the same instance give this chance to myself aswell.

When and as I see myself depending on anyone in this case, I stop and I breathe, I realise that I am responsible for what I am doing with this moment, opportunity that has presented itself, I am the responsible to direct myself within this moment, no one else. I instead stand as one and as equal with this dependency that I have, and from this point on move forward, within self direction.

When and as I see myself being afraid of a situation, a challenge that has presented itself to me, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this might be and opportunity that may never presents itself again, and by me being afraid of this situation will take a chance away from me to live it out, to be able to live my utmost potential.

When and as I see myself not being able to set a goal in place, directly after the goal that has to be achieved has been explained, I stop and I breathe. I realise that my mind was in some other place when the information was given, and by not focusing and hearing what is said, I make myself inefficient to the other people, to the group which I work within, where this will have an effect on my performance, and so my/our goal, all in all by not being here and take in the information, I will not be able to direct myself within the moment of breath.

When and as I see myself being nervous and through this not being able to be clear, i stop and I breathe. I realise that my nervousness is affecting my moment of here, and not. Not living here. So I assist myself through breath, to let myself relax, to let go and be here in this moment taking on any challenge that is presented to me.

When and as I see myself wanting to give away responsibility, not standing up for myself to stand tall and strong, i stop and I breathe. I realise by not taking the responsibility I am not standing as one and as equal with life, with reality, with me nor my brother, creating an inequality within me by putting my brother as higher and stronger as me, seeing him as my big brother, and not as my equal.

I commit and allow myself to be here in this moment, to stand as one and as equal with my responsibilities, challenges and goals, to see when I am not aware of my situation, and from seeing this to act by breathing, bringing myself to the here and now, the physical reality.

I commit and allow myself to stand as one and as equal to my brother, not seeing him as someone bigger or better than me just because he is older than me, or be able to communicate more effectively than I am able to.

I commit and allow myself to take on the responsibility that is given to me, to take the challenge, to be able to integrate information into my body, to be able to live within the moment and to use self-direction without hesitation.

I commit and allow myself to be here, to breathe, to realise that I am here and nowhere else, here as life, a living human being, to live out my utmost potential, unconditionally.

Day 24 – One Day Off, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish for a day off at work, creating a loop within my mind, where as it will be activated when I am not busy, and also not in the moment of now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to praise myself by taking a day of, because I have worked too much in the past week, creating further effects such as justification/lies that I am telling myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am tired the whole time and need some rest, even thou I have not really done anything physically, just been sitting the whole day working/playing on the computer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate life, through not doing as I direct myself to do, basically not using self-direction, where as I get stuck in front of a computer, instead of exploring my world/environment around me.

I forgive myself for that I have accepted and allowed myself to create justification in the concept of getting a day off, and then believe in these justification, fooling me by lying and abusing myself within this process of believes that I have created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be abused by myself, in the sense of believing the lies I tell myself, in the form of justifications.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the lies I tell myself, and by believing the lies, limiting myself because I know that I will not do these thing that I am telling myself that I am going to do, that is why it is a lie when it is being told.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be lazy, to sit at home and do nothing, to let the laziness take control of me never allowing me to move forward with self-direction within the moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to take on the challenge, the self-responsibility and self-direction upon the point of laziness, to be able to get up and out of my chair and to move to where I want and need to be, expressing myself within whatever I want to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the pattern of laziness get to me, to take me out of the moment of now, projecting me into the future where I have the day off, while having the day off, and to see and wish for things to do, or telling myself I will and need to do it and going to do it, where as it never gets done, creating believable lies within me, where as I would abuse myself with over and over.

Day 23 – One Day Off

Is my mind stuck in a loop? Every day, even on a day off, I am asking myself why can’t I get a day off from work, to just sit at home and chill, but then I realise I am doing it at the moment. That’s the reason for me to be able to ask this question in the first place, because when I am busy I don’t have time to think about this.

I would find that I feel that I have worked hard during the week, and deserve this a day off from work, not needing to go and do my responsible thing as I have to do every day to earn money to be able to survive. Yes, survive.

This was the problem I faced for a year and few months, always wanted that day off and never seemed to get it, even if I had a long weekend, or a 3 weeks holiday. It is as if I am tired the whole time, and then my mind gets stuck in this loop, where it thinks I still need a holiday to rest while, well, resting.

My mind would create any justifications needed to support this idea, where I would use it against myself and I would believe it. That is how one abuses self with lies and justification. You would justify the concept of “getting a day off” through telling yourself you have worked enough this week and needs rest or time to explore the outside world, or you need a little bit of “me” time, or you just need to get out of the money system to be free etc. and this list goes on as you are in the moment of thought, limiting yourself.

The thing is, this is just laziness that acts out, because when I do have the day off, I am not exploring the world, I am not taking the time for myself, and best off all I am not doing anything about the fact that I am trapped within this money system. This is all lies I tell myself just to spend my time in front of the computer or any other “useless” activity, which isn’t “me” time because I am not spending it with me.

The problem here is, I am limited by thoughts, meaning one should not use the mind, but instead take on the challenge of self-responsibility, and with self-direction to direct yourself to do what is necessary in the physical reality of now, and of course within the moment of each breath.  Meaning if you take that day off, you’re not going to spend it playing games, but actually use the time to improve yourself with the “me time” concept, or take on the challenge to get yourself out of the money system (or just accept it, learn how it works exactly and make it better for yourself) and help others in this process.

Through doing this, I’ll already break the loop which my mind is set in, when I feel tired of working.

Next post, applying SF for not taking self-responsible, Self-direction, and the justifications.

Day 21 – Uncertainty, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be separate from the words that I want to use, to not be connected with what I am about to say, to be able to be certain about my saying, to then fear that I will struggle to get the words out, making me nervous, and rushing myself off to get it over and done with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the words that I am going to use in any instance, to fear that I may stumble and fall upon them, and then feels like I am just throwing them out there hoping for the best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand within the words that I want to speak, to be certain of the words, and to see the words, so that I may be able to use these word to communicate effectively with the other person, to be here in the moment in every breath while speaking to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself, and the facts, opinions, memories I have and want to share with whomever, to think that the other person can see through me, and my uncertainty that I have about these things, creating my very own problem of the uncertainty, a big loop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be uncertain of myself, and my experiences, and to be uncertain on HOW to communicate these experiences with someone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a scenario within my head of how I am going to say whatever I want to say, creating unnecessary stress before speaking, which leads up to  speaking fast, unclear, and confusing the other person with my words.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be expressive with my words, to enjoy speaking when I have to, to be in the moment of now and not in the near future in my mind of how I am going to say the next sentence, where in the mean time I lose the information that is being spoken of in the conversation I am having.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to be self-directive with what I want to say, to know for sure what the message is that I want to get across to the person and to be effective with doing in so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the words that I want to use, to think I will mess it up, and to fear the messing up part, all before it has happened, instead of realising that I am here, in the breathe, and be directive with myself and my words within this moment of here and now in the physical reality as I experience it.

Day 19 – Music & Ego, Part 3

When and as I see myself creating a reality/illusion within the form of a memory in my mind while listening to music, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is only the ego within my mind, my self-interest, and that it is not reality, where as I support myself within this point through breathing and bringing myself back to the physical reality of now.

When and as I see myself creating barriers between me and my friends/family/girlfriend or whoever I may come into contact with, within this memory, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is only a memory that my mind has made up, it is not real, supporting myself through breath, realising each and everyone is equal.  

When and as I see myself denying the fact that life has moved on, I stop and I breathe. I realise that the past is long gone, the memories that I have not made as a teenager are also long gone, and cannot be new “made up Memories” within my mind as this takes me out of the physical reality of now and instead creates illusion, realising this I can stand as one and equal with the made up memories of me being young and free, and from this point on direct myself within the breath, the moment, as the physical reality, here.

When and as I see myself desire the perfect girl to have as my girlfriend, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is only a mind construct, believe and there is no such thing as a perfect someone just for you, and to realise we are all equal, with the support of the breath, in the moment of here as the physical reality.

When and as I see myself thinking that I am special in some way or another, I stop and I breathe. I realise my ego is creating separation within myself and the reality around me, hindering my experience with the environment and the people around me.

When and as I see myself being trapped within myself and not being able to escape, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is only my mind holding me back, and by this realisation an understanding I support myself through breathing, and bringing myself back to the physical reality of the here and now.

When and as I see myself fearing what others might think of me whenever I speak up, or do something, I stop and I breathe. I realise that the thoughts other people have about me are just thoughts, nothing real as of the fact that a thought within itself is just a thought and as an end result, does not need fearing.

When and as I see myself defying myself based on the words of others, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is abuse towards myself, self-abuse, change myself into someone for who I am not and basically living a lie.

When and as I see myself feeling depressed, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is just emotions based on past events which is not real, and that I am giving power to it and allowing it to control me, and through doing this I am busy disabling myself, not being able to be expressive within the moment, as here and not.

When and as I see myself being controlled by my ego, and the song I am listening to, I stop and I breathe. I realise this is only a song with music and lyrics, and the emotions/memories attached to it is my own doing, and through this understanding, I take responsibility for self and what I have created and from this point on forward, within the breathe I direct myself to be here, in the physical reality, with the realisation that the ego is not real, only that of which I can see and feel with my physical being is.

I commit myself to stand as one and equal with the emotions/attachments within this made up memory of mind, and from this point forward, to direct myself to breathe, and to release to let it go.

I commit myself to live in the physical reality of now, in the breath, to see and realise that I am one and equal with my surroundings, and the people I am in contact with.

Day 18 – Music & Ego, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a reality within my own mind, as a memory through listening to music, for the sake of self-interest, and my ego, where this ego gets everything that it wants enjoying every moment of it, until it brings me back to reality, to set me off in sadness, depression, longing for such a life, wanting my childhood back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe within this memory that I am the best, the coolest and most intellectual being of all, creating a barrier between me and my fellow  equal human beings, dividing us in separation and not standing as one and equal with them within this memory, where as my ego is the one “standing out” above all with these ideas/concepts of self within this memory I have created within this song.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that this is just a made up memory where I feed my ego with power over me, allowing it to control me within the moment as I am listening to the song “Man Overboard”.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to accept the fact that life has moved on, that I have responsibility now, that I have responsible for myself and no one else is responsible for me, and whatever I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire the girl of my dreams, while I know that this girl does not exist, because it is a made up mind construct of believe, where one believe that there is this girl out there specially made just for you, instead of realising that all is one and equal, none is better than the other, or special in some kind of way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am special within this memory that I have made up when listening to this song, to think that there is something about me, that I have and others does not have creating separation within me and the physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel trapped when I experience disillusionment when the memory is done playing within my mind, when thinking of where I am free, and not bound by the systems and patterns of the mind, and through experiencing this, feel depressed, sad and trapped within self, and the world around me, not able to move within the moment of breath in the physical reality.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to worry/fear what other might think of me, that there words and thought have an influence on me and the way I react and do things within this world, That I accept and allow their words and thoughts to shape me into the person I think I am today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by the words and thoughts of others, abusing myself through living in a lie, where I believe I am who I am because of what others tell me to be, through me accepting these words, instead of standing as self, in the moment of breath as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lonely/sad when listening to this song because of the fact that none of these memories are true, and through this, actually enjoying the sadness, because somehow somewhere I might get attention out of it, even if I am hiding it for everyone I know.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by the negative emotions/attachments toward this memory I have created within my mind by listening to this song.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my ego play games with me, controlling my emotions and in the end controlling me, deciding for me what to feel when, and for how long.

Day 13 – Power Saving Mode, Part 3

When and as I see myself being bored within my environment, not knowing what to do with my time, I stop and I breathe. I realise that by being bored I am not in the moment, living, but instead waiting, waiting for things to happen instead of making it happen, within the breath as physical reality, here and now.

When and as I see myself being caught up within my own mind, I stop and I breathe, I realise that this is just a pattern where I want to conserve energy, which is not real, but a made up system, I realise that the mind is not real, and that I have to become aware of my physical reality, my body, and the breath.

When and as I see myself entering the “Power Saving Mode” that I have created for myself, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is a pattern, only a program, and through this understanding I can breathe within the moment, with the realisation that it is not real, and be in the physical reality that is here, now.

Whenever I see myself limiting myself through the thought of hunger, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is just a thought, created by me, and I can let go of the thought as I realise that the thought within itself is only a thought and the only limitation I have is to something that isn’t real, such as a thought in my mind.

When and as I see myself limiting my speech/communication skills through the thought of “power saving mode” I stop, and I breathe. I realise that I am not limited, I have the vocabulary, and communications skills needed, all I have to do is apply it within the moment, through taking a deep breath, and at exhaling point, start to talk, slow and clear, knowing what I have to say.

When and as I see myself limiting myself from being interactive with other people, I stop and I breathe. I realise that I have unlimited “energy” when I walk within the moment, as the physical reality as here and now, breathing within each and every step I take to initiate the interactive course of events.

I commit myself to breathe within each moment, as I have realised the point of boredom is not real, but only an act of procrastination of life itself.

I commit myself to live with no limits to the thoughts of hunger, to breathe through it till I get myself some food, and to be in the moment as the physical reality, running on no “energy” which can be limited, but living in the moment, the breath, the physical as here and now.

I commit myself to break through the barriers of limitation when it comes to speech and communicating effectively whilst being hungry, through breathing, and being in the moment as the physical reality.

I commit myself to accept the consequences that I have created within my past, to stand as one and equal towards it, to be able to change it from this moment on forward, through breathing and support myself with breath, in the physical reality of now. 

Day 12 – Power Saving Mode, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be bored, and not knowing what to do while waiting for my clients, instead of being in the moment observing my surroundings, and explore a little more, widening my perspective of the physical world around me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to observe, and explore the new place/location that I were in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be caught up within my own mind, not being able to escape because of the boredom, and the idea that I don’t have enough energy to be active, in the physical world around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run on an invisible power source created by me, thinking that I need to save energy otherwise I will run out, going into “Power Saving Mode” not enabling myself to live in the moment, as the breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be limited by the thought of being hungry, thinking I cannot operate because I have no “energy”, even after eating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my speech/communication skills through the thought of being locked up inside of my head, because I have a limited source of energy left.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my interactive-ness through thinking I have a limited power source, which will run out soon, instead of being in the moment, with my client in the physical reality in the moment of now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think the only thing I am capable of doing effectively while feeling weak, tired and drowsy is thinking, within my head, and not being able to be in the physical world outside of my head.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to accept the consequences that I have created throughout my childhood with no-lunch packed in to school, that I have not yet stand in oneness and equality within myself and the consequences to accept it as my own, and to move forward and change myself from this point on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make this state of living a normality for myself, to think this is how I should feel, and always will feel, not doing anything to change this point of view I have within myself.

Day 11 – Power Saving Mode

Today I was at a venue busy doing work with customers as usual, but the morning was extremely slow because nothing really happen, I was bored and didn’t know what to do with myself besides walking around, sitting everywhere I can find a seat, and do the usual things one does when board.

After a while, I was caught up within my own mind, and my own thoughts, started to think that I am in a “power saving mode”. Sometime later, my first customer pitched up, this is the time I usually spark and do my thing. But not today, getting me out of my mind, back into reality was a challenge, my communication skills were up to no good, and the way I worked with the people was just not acceptable. I was trapped within my mind and couldn’t reach out to the physical world.

I am still “trapped” within my own mind as I am writing now, finding it hard to speak, to be energetic, or to be social in any way, dealing with the world outside of my mind – being interactive with others. This has made me think a little more, as I’m only capable of doing this quite effectively at the precise moment.

Throughout the years I have limited myself in a way that I would think I’ll run out of energy if I use too much of it, like a laptop running on battery. I have done this through a pattern of thoughts which started at a young age, of not packing lunch to school. Meaning I would basically have to save energy because I won’t have food later in the day.

This made me think/feel that I can’t be active, because I don’t have energy through not eating, or, when I would feel like shit (drained/weak/drowsy) I would also keep myself inactive so that I won’t use to much of this “spare” energy and within this process I would trap myself within my own mind, not being able to get out even after I have eaten.

So basically this has become my normality within me, and who I am. I am in a constant “power saving mode” only sometimes I have the opportunity to be all active, not worrying about how much energy I am using and what the consequence will be, meaning being tired afterwards.

I would like to clear this point further - Next post SF