What is it to fear? This word is so
unfamiliar, but familiar. I have experience in an intense level at some point
of my life, I was about 9 or 10 years old when this experience has come over
me, to control me, and take me over to a point where I could not control
myself. I remember that there was some kind of flue or virus in circulation
around the world and that many people had died from this virus, and I feared
that it would be me, or my family, fearing that I might lose everyone I love or
die myself.
In this time of my life, I was a little
boy, and the only way I could deal with this was by... crying, because of this raw
sickening feeling in my stomach and all the thoughts running through my head of
what’s going to happen if they die, or are no more, or when they are sick, and
then I had to keep this inside of me while at school, which was the worst. I
remember that every day in that time period, I was wondering in every moment if
my parents would pitch up after school to pick me up, if they’d still be alive.
When they did arrive, I would start to burst out in tears of fear, because it
had to come out somehow, and even when I was with them, this fear controlled me
to believe that they would die sometime soon, this kept on going for weeks.
But after this whole experience and knowing
what it is to experience fear, I could identify it every time this feeling
would show itself. As today it did.
The last 2 days has been slow with my work,
and I was mostly on the farm, trapped in this whole bubble of I need rest to be
able to work effectively, but as this kept up obviously my business was slowing down, and nothing
moving there really, until today, when I realised that I can’t just sit here
expecting that life will happen by itself, and then this sickening feeling
struck me again, but this time not because of a virus in the air (Yes, I am
aware of the Ebola Virus Outbreak in Africa) but, the future, my future and
what I am going to do with this future I have in my hands. How I am the
responsible one to move myself within each moment of breathe, as here. To be
able to move forward and make a change within the lives of others, as this is
my goal, to build a better tomorrow, and through doing this, I have to work
with me, make the change inside of myself to be able to move in the direction I
want to go.
With this fear that I had just now, I was
starting to ask myself questions, which the fear brought up, where as they
consist of my decisions that I have made, if I made the correct ones, and if I
should have stayed where I were before coming to the farm. This again was then countered by me, where I
made a statement, convincing myself that i have made the correct choice... but
in essence I have only started a small war within my head, 2 sides battling
against each other to determine which choice was the correct choice..
And that is why I am writing here,
Self-correction, self-responsibility, self-direction and self-improvement, to
be able to improve the world that I am living in, for all.
Next post will be SF.
Get a move on, for more info on memories
and thoughts, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com
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