Day 55 – Took an arrow to the knee, Part 2

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a blaze of fear just as I hit the ground, realising that I have hurt my knee, not being able to walk/work effectively, fearing that I might not get away from that location, and be left behind by the people, and get lost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to control my actions after the incident, resulting in fear of what might happen, instead of being here, breathing through the moment to support myself with the pain I am experiencing and my thoughts that are about to rock through my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear for my leg, that it might be broken, instead of being calm, breathing and assessing myself and my leg to see what is going on with it, and to see if it is fine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear in the moment of the incident, to be controlled by the actions/events that took place, and not be in control of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will get lost, and never be found again, have to spend the rest of my days surviving all alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will get lost, and then be found by random strangers that are violent, abusive, or even murderers, so fearing for my life, the fear of death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go down this path of fears, fearing to a point where I thought it could even be my life being taken away from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I might catch a fire on the ground, and burn myself to death - resulting in jumping up, adding heavy pressure on my damaged knee/leg without seeing/realising the consequences, instead of being calm and get up with the leg that is fine.

Day 54 – Took an arrow to the knee

 I didn't literally took an arrow to the knee, otherwise I would not be sitting here typing, but I did take a rock to the knee, and it hurts like hell. How this happened was because of a fire here in the valley, and we were called out to help put it out.

As we arrived, we started to put the fire out, we were a team of 5 guys with fire beaters. Now while the fire is out there blazing hot in the fields, you can see clearly, even though it looks like you are in some kind of Elders Scroll game: Oblivion. So, as the fire dies out because of our man power with these fire beaters, it became dark, almost pitch black and this is where I tripped on a massive rock and fell face first on the ground. I managed to do this because of the 3 jackets I had collected, meaning my hands were full.

Now as I fell and hit the ground where my knee jammed into this massive rock and hurting it, I instantly started to fear of what might happen to me as I was here all alone in this field (the other people already left on foot, in a hurry to the next location of the fire) with my leg feeling almost numb whilst my knee felt like its been cut off, I feared for my safety, feared that I might get left behind, and be lost.

Meaning - because of these fears I tried to stand up as quickly as possible to get off the hot ground, and to catch up with the other people I realised that I was crippled because of my knee. This is when I started to experience even more fear, here I am in an unknown field which just burnt down, in the dark and no one in sight thinking/fearing I might have broken my leg as the pain spiked throughout my whole right leg as I stepped on it, with no one to help me. Suddenly realising that I am also out of breath, because of this shock and fears.

This is when I realised that fear is any man's downfall, and that a person have to deal with these fears to get rid of them, to get along, to be able to stand up for yourself, to stand up tall in any situation and not let your mind and it's fears get in the way.

Day 50 – Death of a Friend

A school friend passed away yesterday (2014/08/12), at the age of 22, they speculate that it was because of a heart attack. It happened while he was in the gym, where he took his last breath. When I heard the news at first I did not believe it, I read it online through a shared status message on Facebook. I thought the friend (my best friend) who shared this status was with him and just randomly decided to create a cool status for this person, until I went onto his wall to find out the truth. This was the time when I felt the shock through my body, and decided to contact my best friend to ask what happened and find more info on the situation.

Carl Maritz (Blue T-shirt)

So it was true and confirmed, and the sudden realisation that the death of a friend had passed over me. It felt unreal, untrue, and how can a person at such a young age die from a heart attack(As far as the speculations go)? It just doesn't feel right. The news was tragic, I saw him just the other day before I came to PMB, how can this be?

I did not have any deep emotional reaction (only a few days later) when I read about the news, only a shock that flows through my whole body, tapping my energy. Why I didn't have any deep emotional feelings towards this news was because of the fact that I didn't create any major friendship bonds with him, we only hanged out when the group came together, not alone as two good or best friends would. The parts where I would get massive overflow of emotions was when I would think of his best friends, and the whole group that he had spent most of his time with, and his family of course. When thinking about them and how they are suppose to be dealing with this loss. It feels unbearable..

But as we know, I have also spent time with him, had a lot of get togethers with this group of friends, having an awesome time, where we would always joke around and laugh about silly things,  we had good times together and that is what will be remember of him. It is a shame that I did not get to hang out with them more often.

So now, every time I think of this friend who had passed away (this thought is stuck in the back of my mind) there’s this blank dot in my mind, stopping me from imagining him, not being able to get a hold of him, as if there’s a disconnection between my thoughts and this person.

I knew where he worked - it was at a mall and every time I went there I would greet him, where he would talk some shit to me (meaning making jokes) and just make us laugh, now knowing that this person will not be there anymore when I do visit this mall, he will not be there, which in return by thinking about this creates a blank spot within my memory of this friend that I had, which is a deep saddening experience for me.

I wish I could be there for your farewell, Fish, thank you for the moments of joy that I had to get to experience with you over the past 5 years. May you now rest in peace.

In memory of Carl (Fish) Maritz