Day 86 - Not filling the shoes

So, here I am again same point as in realisation of self, in some degree. This time I am still in the third person view of my life and my reality. Here the problem start with me having to act and be grown up, filling the shoes of responsibility. Meaning with my work I have to do, and all my other random things in my life, for instance taking self-direction and self-responsibility to build my life, and create my life for what I want and need out of it to live and be free!

Here I experience this feeling of having shoes, massive in size, and I have to step into them. As I do, I feel like my substance of my existence, everything within me, myself, are just not enough to fill these shoes. How does a child fill them all up with such a small body/substance? Even though I am 23 years old (In a few days) I still feel like a kid, a child. A person who should not yet take on such responsibilities of life, controlling and taking direction of self with, steering the ship of life through the crackling storm that life has to offer. How does grown-ups do this, what or who is a grown up? I am an adult, does that make me a grown up? What am I? Why can’t I fill these shoes to take on life as I am supposed to?

How do I walk up to someone 20 years older than me, talk to them as if I have the knowledge/experience of the world, and offering them something beneficial for their family, and taking the responsibility of their children’s future for that short time I spend with them into my hands?

How to appear strong and bold, be the authority in a sense that is not offensive, but instead be directive? How to fill these shoes, if it feels like I am a 10 year old kid still? 

Day 78 – Childhood Memories, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think back about my childhood memories to get that awesome feeling of being free and without any responsibility to where I was just a child, thinking about a whole inseparable family having an awesome time, whereas after this memory I will face disillusionment which is an experience where I don’t want to face the reality of here, but go back instead, starting to wish…

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish for an instant that I can go back to these times where I can relive these memories and be a child for just one more time, meaning I am not here, not accepted and allowing my physical reality for what it is.

I forgive myself for creating, accepting and allow myself to let this pattern within my mind be followed automatically every time I feel that I want to break free/away from my responsibilities (Which is my trigger point).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find comfort within these memories of my childhood, where I feel I can escape to into a different reality where I can just drift off, instead of being here, completing my goals and living my utmost potential.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself yet to let go of these memories, to free myself of this pleasurable burden that I am stuck with, to be able to life in the physical reality of what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see these memories of my childhood as pleasurable but also as a burden because of the negative emotions I experience afterwards.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an emotional bond towards the song “If I could walk 500 miles” Due to a holiday that I have with my family when I was younger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to relive my childhood memories when I think of this song, meaning it is a trigger point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall victim of this pattern whenever my trigger point has been activated, to then go back into my mind and experience a vague memory of my childhood with immense feelings attached to these memories.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to let go of these memories and the feelings attached to enable myself to enjoy the song for what it is in the physical reality of here, in the present. 

Day 50 – Death of a Friend

A school friend passed away yesterday (2014/08/12), at the age of 22, they speculate that it was because of a heart attack. It happened while he was in the gym, where he took his last breath. When I heard the news at first I did not believe it, I read it online through a shared status message on Facebook. I thought the friend (my best friend) who shared this status was with him and just randomly decided to create a cool status for this person, until I went onto his wall to find out the truth. This was the time when I felt the shock through my body, and decided to contact my best friend to ask what happened and find more info on the situation.

Carl Maritz (Blue T-shirt)

So it was true and confirmed, and the sudden realisation that the death of a friend had passed over me. It felt unreal, untrue, and how can a person at such a young age die from a heart attack(As far as the speculations go)? It just doesn't feel right. The news was tragic, I saw him just the other day before I came to PMB, how can this be?

I did not have any deep emotional reaction (only a few days later) when I read about the news, only a shock that flows through my whole body, tapping my energy. Why I didn't have any deep emotional feelings towards this news was because of the fact that I didn't create any major friendship bonds with him, we only hanged out when the group came together, not alone as two good or best friends would. The parts where I would get massive overflow of emotions was when I would think of his best friends, and the whole group that he had spent most of his time with, and his family of course. When thinking about them and how they are suppose to be dealing with this loss. It feels unbearable..

But as we know, I have also spent time with him, had a lot of get togethers with this group of friends, having an awesome time, where we would always joke around and laugh about silly things,  we had good times together and that is what will be remember of him. It is a shame that I did not get to hang out with them more often.

So now, every time I think of this friend who had passed away (this thought is stuck in the back of my mind) there’s this blank dot in my mind, stopping me from imagining him, not being able to get a hold of him, as if there’s a disconnection between my thoughts and this person.

I knew where he worked - it was at a mall and every time I went there I would greet him, where he would talk some shit to me (meaning making jokes) and just make us laugh, now knowing that this person will not be there anymore when I do visit this mall, he will not be there, which in return by thinking about this creates a blank spot within my memory of this friend that I had, which is a deep saddening experience for me.

I wish I could be there for your farewell, Fish, thank you for the moments of joy that I had to get to experience with you over the past 5 years. May you now rest in peace.

In memory of Carl (Fish) Maritz