Day 93 – Sum 41

I believe I have discovered one of the biggest things that is holding me back, or it feels that way.

I have always loved listening to blink 182, Sum 41, +44, Angels & Airwaves, Linkin Park and a lot more... But for some reason I have kept on listening to all of them except Sum 41, and today I had a listen to this awesome band again, while doing my SF on my previous blog.

While the first song played, I got this massive feeling of (insert word here, my English Vocabulary is failing me again, damn. Maybe Longing?), but while having this feeling I went back into memory lane. Which mean it’s a trigger point for me about past event/attachments.

 While thinking back into the past I realised what this feeling was – felt like my whole body and mind are “missing”, meaning the person I was back then. At first I couldn’t get to the point, so I decided to dig in deeper, to get this point out, and deal with it. If I don’t then I’ll always be stuck in the past and wish I was there, and not here, meaning I am living in a reality that doesn’t exists.

With all of these attachment, I obviously have consequences that follow. Wherein all my thoughts wanders in my unconscious and subconscious, which in return will manifest into the way I carry myself, the way I present myself, in what I do and how I do it. Also my mind patterns that influences my experience with the world, what controls my thought and how I act and react to trigger points if I am not aware at any given moment in time.

So it comes down again to… childhood. I have listened to the kind of music (Punk/rock) since I’ve been small probably 12, and from that age and up I have accumulated memories on these songs, memories of the good, of the bad, the relaxed, the angry and sad, plus many more. But I always chose to remember the good, the times where I had my “freedom”, “responsible free”, and “I have all the time in the word” memories. Playing games, hanging out with friends, have a girlfriend every now and then, everything was abundant. Meaning in past I knew in my mind that we were financially stable, well off, and I would have a good future because my parents would provide me that – see how wealthy people always seem to get everything they want, that is the idea here – so what I have now, I will always have, the good life.

Seeing later that at the time where I reached High School my brother went to University, obviously I assumed that would be my direction and I will just slide into the big word, with everything in order, where I can just build upon that.

This is the life I knew, and had – privileged. This was all connected to these songs I usually listened to and the memories I kept up until this day. But it never turned out that way. So my mind kept on shooting out in that direction, while my reality moved out in the total opposite direction.

Which will lead to the following: A few years later, 2007/8, some shit happened, recession. Also some other external factors played a big role in which created financial instability with the business that my family ran, and everything basically started to change, slowly.

Now that is basically where everything went kind of downhill, and knowing my past, I never worked hard in school, I got my 60% without studying, implying I am intelligent, but am I? With South African Public schools I highly doubt it. But that is not the point, my point is I never really knew how to work hard, I either got everything I wanted or I didn’t. Which is sad, because some people would turn the world upside down just to get what they want, with hard work and some evilness in between?

So with this in mind (all of the above), I did get the chance to go to University, as I was a teenager, the University I attended… was not the one I had planned for… Which created conflict within myself, and added to this conflict I never knew what it meant to actually study, or work hard and get what I want. I dropped out. Gave up on my dream of becoming a mechanical/electrical Engineer or to say electromechanical engineer and thus I ended up studying Graphic and Web Design. Bringing me to the point of where I am today, and listening to old music, realising and seeing my life already, not going accordingly to plan.

When I do listening all these things pop up in some form in my head or in my gut, and it do create unease within myself, tension, regret, and some blame for what happened and didn’t happen. All the while I actually still love listening to the music – for the music…

So, here I have an opportunity to correct myself, chase a newly created goal among many other (not dreams, for I am not sleeping), and clearing myself up from this “baggage” that’s holding me back.

J