Day 2 – Waking up and the consequence

So, this is how everybody starts their day, by waking up – make sure you do this.

How does waking up make you feel, especially when the wake up process goes through an alarm clock? In reality - no sunshine and flowers I am afraid. You want to sleep some more, get a little bit more of that warmth your blanket is providing you with and just lie there in your bed and not start your day, you want to enjoy the snuggling sinking in moment within your bed for as long as possible, don’t you?  – But within this moment, what else goes through your mind?

This is the problem I have to face with, those thoughts running through my mind every morning - there’s a very specific thought showing itself each time, which bothers me, and this thought is: “How do you feel today, will you be able to do your tasks, will you feel good for a change and be energetic, or will you have a bad day again with a body that feels like dying on you?”.

I have this thought because of a reason, which is also a pattern (just like the first few thoughts I mentioned). This pattern has been repeating my whole life inside of my head when I awake and rises up from my bed each morning. The worst part is I have never really done anything about it.

 It started out in grade 1, I’d say. My parents didn’t make us lunch for school, we had to carry that responsibility on our own, giving us the opportunity to feed and to take care of ourselves during the day when the Parents are working– this was the solution. But do you think a 7 year old boy is going to make lunch each morning if he wakes up 10mins before school? No.

The consequence of this action was terrible; I had a weak childhood from the age of 7 up to the age of 21 years old. Always hungry at school, but had no food because I wanted to sleep some more in the morning, not being able to make myself lunch, no time, and because of this I had to live out the consequence that will follow by being hungry the whole day.

This created the effect where I would not be able to function efficiently, to have the necessary energy to be a child, to be active and do my work. I would feel weak and I would get headaches every second or third day, I basically tortured myself without realizing, or I did realize it but was just lazy and wanted 10 more minutes of sleep. Because of this, the pattern started to arise where I would wake up every morning with this thought in my mind, “how do I feel today?”.

Now that I am 22 years old, I have created a fear, and out of this fear I have realized that I am busy torturing my body and don’t want to feel like shit during the day, so I eat every morning and in regular intervals to prevent this, anything I can get my hands on. I eat not because I am hungry, but because I fear the consequence that will follow when I am hungry and not eating.