Day 67 – Real-eyes-ing words.

 I am no expert with words, nor with grammar and sentence structure, but I have realised the structure of words, and how one can play with these words one know. I have also discovered my relationship with words, how I see them and what feelings/emotions I have attached towards them through life experiences.

One word which I loved at a time was amuse/amusing – I don’t know why I loved this word so much, but as I realised the meaning of this word one day after I had used a dictionary for the first time in years, I couldn’t stopped use it. I had to incorporate it into everything I was about to say, if it were to be highly appropriate or not, I’d squeeze it in. My favourite phrase was: “Amusing myself” whenever someone would ask me what am I doing. This was part of my life for a minimum of at least a year.

Then, sometime later, the word abundance approached me, and showed itself in the naked form of its existence. This made me feel like I have discovered my second love. Meaning the word amuse which was my first love… no more existed.

Why did I love this word so much? Mainly because I could see a bun dance. Somehow because of this real-eyes-ation of how a word can break apart to create smaller words has showed me this is not the one and only word which you can take and break it up. All these great, complex, other wisely known as difficult words, don’t have to be such a mountain in front of me anymore. Since this word has showed me the newly discovered way to go, I can actually spell way better, and remember words more easily, and derive the meaning of the word by just looking at it. Also how one can play and be creative with this.

The only word I can think of at the moment which I have a negative emotion toward is f-ear, for when I h-ear with my ear-s the s-ear f-ears other might sp-ear (at me), for instance the news with the Ebola virus – the hyperbolic reaction everyone’s creating because of it, this brings up fears within me and probably everyone else. It’s an uneasy, dissatisfying feeling one feels right.

Day 66 – Imbalance, Part 3

When and as I see myself being limited through tiredness, and not wanting to do what I need to do, I stop and I breathe, I realise that this is only a pattern and a limitation, and through not directing myself I will only hinder my way forward.

When and as I see myself creating excuses for not doing something because I feel tired, I stop and I breathe, I realise that this is a pattern and through giving this patter my energy will only slow me down and in essence create an imbalance within my life where I would only get minimum done instead of what I would like to get done.

When and as I see myself participating in back-chat which results in an excuse or anything in relation to holding me back, I stop and I breathe, through doing this I can see and realise what I am busy doing - meaning creating an imbalance - and stop this process and instead stand up, and do what needs to be done.

When and as I see myself concentrating on one aspect of my life, and letting the rest go because of limitations, I stop and I breathe, doing so to be able to realise that this is only slowing me down in my process and my advancement within life, and the things I want and need to get done.

When and as I see myself falling victim for one that has no self-direction/responsibility I stop and I breathe, I realise that without self-direction/responsibility I will only create imbalance within my self which will result only in limitation.

When and as I see myself losing focus on my daily deeds, and not getting it done, I stop and I breathe, I slow down the moment to see and realise the pattern that is playing out and through doing so, I will see that if I follow down onto this path I will then not be able to reach my true potential as for who and what I am.

I commit and allow myself to stand up within these situation - to stand equal with them, to be able to take on the challenge and direct myself, through the supportive application of breathing, realising for what my reality is as here in the physical.

I commit and allow myself to do my daily duties, to stop back-chat and limitation that I have set for myself and to take on the responsibility of self to walk this process of bettering myself and thus my world around me, that is best for me, and for all.

Day 65 – Imbalance, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself through believing that I am tired, and through this believe not be able to work and go on with my daily duties as I should be able to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the tiredness be an excuse for me not wanting to work, or perform as well as I am suppose to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an imbalance within my life because of the tiredness that I am facing, not getting to everything that I need to do because of the back-chat - where I tell myself I am tired now, and don't have the energy to do whatever needs to be done.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to concentrate only on certain parts of my life at a time, create an imbalance within my life, where one part would be high, and the other part low.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this imbalance within my life due to the lack of self-direction and self-responsibility, not being able to push through these limitation and to get shit done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think it is fine to not care about a certain aspect within my life, and that the only importance is that of which I set as to be my highest regard in the matter, and not realising that a good life is a well balanced one, one where I am the direction of self, the responsibility of self, the movement of self, where I am to create my world and my environment through these principles, movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be focused on what I need to do and to get it done, to think that it is too much trouble to do the certain thing that I need to get done, to think that by postponing it will be OK.

Day 64 – Imbalance

In the past few weeks I have noticed that there is an imbalance within my life, where I have realised that I have no balance between my responsibilities and activities. Mainly due to my very own limitations - or in other words "tiredness", where as I will tell myself I am not going to do something now, because I am to tired.

Through doing this the whole time, I have had other experiences as well, as time progresses I would find that one week a certain area within my life is up to date, where as the rest of my life is in the slums. This certain up-to-date part of my life would only last for about a week, and then rotate with a different aspect in my life. Meaning if I were to be a spinning wheel, I would have been way off balance, f*cking things up around me.

Though, the statement about the wheel spinning could be taken into context. Meaning if I only take care of one part of my life the rest is going to fall apart, which indicates I have to take a stance and start focusing on all of the aspects, duties and activities that needs to be done during the day, week, month to be able to gtet myself into balance. By stopping the mind from creating limitations, tiredness and excuses for why not to do something.

Day 63 – Inferiority towards intelligence

When and as I see myself not standing within myself as self direction, as breath when speaking to a person  with high intelligence, I stop and I breathe, I realise that this person is no more special, or important than me, and that I can actually learn a lot from this person by allowing myself to see and be this person's equal thus to not feel or be this person's inferior.

When and as I see myself putting people in class brackets where I judge them from and project a possible future, I stop and I breathe, I realise by doing this I am only living in an illusion with reality that does not exist, thus creating expectations that will never be met, meaning disappointment.

When and as I see myself not being able to keep a person interested within my conversation, or my information that I have to offer where it makes me feel like I might have lost the person, I stop and I breathe, I realise that if this is a person's response it means that I have to change my way of speaking or make any amendments necessary to keep the interest of my client.

When and as I see myself feeling inferior because of the fact that I do not understand someone, i stop and I breathe, I realise that this is a great opportunity to gain information and learn something new, and by doing this I have no reason to feel inferior.

When and as I see myself falling into a comfort zone, where I am not moving forward to better myself, I stop and I breathe, I realise that by acting this way I am only hindering myself, and by doing this I am not self directing within the breathe.

When and as I see myself as the inferior because of situations that I don't have direct control over, I stop and I breathe, I realise that I can't do anything about the particular situation, and therefore I have no need to be the inferior because of my actions which I am acting upon - asking the person to repeat themselves.

I commit and allow myself to stand my ground, to find out what lies beneath the unknown and make it  known, so it may be my own.

I commit and allow myself to be here within the breathe, the physical reality of what I can see with my eyes, and allow myself to live for what is here within my conversations that I have with my clients, to be able to be the directive principle of my words and my world.

Day 62 – Inferiority towards intelligence, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior toward a person because of the intellectual power they may possess, and that I am allowing myself to feel shaken within this conversation, instead of standing my ground and follow simple self direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put people and brackets - giving them class - and through this judge them and create expectation to what might happen, or how the conversation might go, instead of being here in the present accepting things for as it is, and to see it playing out for what it is, instead of creating projected ideas of how things may play out, for as they don't play out as expected - I would be lost.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to find it difficult to keep this person interested within my conversation because of the fact that he already understood 70% of what I am saying, and even predicting my next words that I want to use.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to judge myself for the idea of me not understanding the new kind of slang that I am introduced to, and thus have to ask question over and over, where as the person has to repeat themselves to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in a comfort zone with the kind of people I am dealing with, not allowing myself to penetrate new challenges within my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior toward this person because of my ears, that they were blocked and I could not hear them properly, forcing me to ask them to repeat themselves because what is being said in these conversation is important.

I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in back-chat because of the situation I am, thus directing myself into a self-judgment state of where I am creating my situation as I am the inferior, and my client is the superior.

Day 61 - Inferiority Towards Intelligence

Today I have met a client, that had the intellectual level of people I am used to talk with... where, within my occupation I am used to speak to people that are less educated, and doesn't capture information as fast as an educated person does. I had difficulty maintaining the interest level of this person, and at some point rather felt inferior towards the words that this person used, mainly because I did not understand them or I am not familiar with the slang - I did not expect these things in the conversation, as I am in a comfort zone.

Also, I felt inferior because of the fact that I could not hear properly, I had the flue for about a week and a few days now, where as my ears are kind of blocked, meaning I can't hear what people are saying, so half or almost all of my concentration lies within trying to hear this person speaking, and then at the same time trying to concentrate on what has been said, and then be able to directly reply. Which I found to be difficult, I have asked probably with every second statement/question for the person to repeat themselves, where as after a while I would start with back-chat, and then this would be followed up upon with me feeling inferior because of the situation - not hearing well, and someone using a high level of vocabulary.

Because of this, after the appointment with my client, I felt as if I had let myself down or as if I had failed myself with this person and the creation of a sale. I had stopped the back-chat within this, which assisted and supported me, not creating any de-motivational feelings toward my goal, or holding me back, but instead took it as a learning curve for next time. With this I had realised myself how important vocabulary is, for I was not able to speak and communicate effectively with this person for I have missed a few words.