Day 51 – Comfortability

How comfortable am I with myself and other people around me? Comfortability will be the subject to be explored today within myself, and the people around me.

My whole life I have never really been comfortable with anybody, except my family and a few friends, but still only up until a certain point.

So, by not being comfortable within my
self, and with myself for as long as I can remember, I have never really been comfortable with any other person. Basically limiting myself and my self-expression. Because of this I am not used to people that are comfortable with themselves, meaning when they talk to me, or having physical contact with me when  they are talking to me, for instance touching my shoulder to make me aware that they are here speaking to me personally, or for when they rest their hand on my back while I'm sitting and they stand behind me - as examples - and because of this, whenever a situation similar to what I have described arises, I'd then think about it for hours afterwards.

So in my mind the process of a pattern will be triggered, and for the rest of the day this pattern of thoughts will play out in my head where I would tell myself: "This person touched my shoulder while speaking to me, what a strange experience this was but, within this strangeness I liked it, it was comforting even when we were only talking in a relaxed state about a relaxed subject, and I like it because you know then that that person is HERE, within the moment". As these thoughts would go around in circles in my mind, i'd start to realise that I am just not used to any sort of physical contact, and being comfortable with myself and any other human being at the same time, and what if this is the whole reason why I can't express myself - for I am not comfortable with these actions taking place within myself and the people around me?

I have never really reached out to a person in this manner, nor has it crossed my mind. When it did, I did not proceed with the action because I am under the impression that people don't like it, but what if they do, what if they just want to know that you are HERE in the physical with them just by touching the shoulder? I will never know. Just to be clear this is not to just touch random strangers on the shoulder when speaking to them, lol. Its for people that I deal with a lot in my life, where I need to get myself to a point for when I am contacted physically like a touch to the shoulder or a pat on the back, that I don't find it to be weird (and vice versa), but as normal people caring and looking after each other, assisting each other to be here in the physical reality of the moment.