Day 93 – Sum 41

I believe I have discovered one of the biggest things that is holding me back, or it feels that way.

I have always loved listening to blink 182, Sum 41, +44, Angels & Airwaves, Linkin Park and a lot more... But for some reason I have kept on listening to all of them except Sum 41, and today I had a listen to this awesome band again, while doing my SF on my previous blog.

While the first song played, I got this massive feeling of (insert word here, my English Vocabulary is failing me again, damn. Maybe Longing?), but while having this feeling I went back into memory lane. Which mean it’s a trigger point for me about past event/attachments.

 While thinking back into the past I realised what this feeling was – felt like my whole body and mind are “missing”, meaning the person I was back then. At first I couldn’t get to the point, so I decided to dig in deeper, to get this point out, and deal with it. If I don’t then I’ll always be stuck in the past and wish I was there, and not here, meaning I am living in a reality that doesn’t exists.

With all of these attachment, I obviously have consequences that follow. Wherein all my thoughts wanders in my unconscious and subconscious, which in return will manifest into the way I carry myself, the way I present myself, in what I do and how I do it. Also my mind patterns that influences my experience with the world, what controls my thought and how I act and react to trigger points if I am not aware at any given moment in time.

So it comes down again to… childhood. I have listened to the kind of music (Punk/rock) since I’ve been small probably 12, and from that age and up I have accumulated memories on these songs, memories of the good, of the bad, the relaxed, the angry and sad, plus many more. But I always chose to remember the good, the times where I had my “freedom”, “responsible free”, and “I have all the time in the word” memories. Playing games, hanging out with friends, have a girlfriend every now and then, everything was abundant. Meaning in past I knew in my mind that we were financially stable, well off, and I would have a good future because my parents would provide me that – see how wealthy people always seem to get everything they want, that is the idea here – so what I have now, I will always have, the good life.

Seeing later that at the time where I reached High School my brother went to University, obviously I assumed that would be my direction and I will just slide into the big word, with everything in order, where I can just build upon that.

This is the life I knew, and had – privileged. This was all connected to these songs I usually listened to and the memories I kept up until this day. But it never turned out that way. So my mind kept on shooting out in that direction, while my reality moved out in the total opposite direction.

Which will lead to the following: A few years later, 2007/8, some shit happened, recession. Also some other external factors played a big role in which created financial instability with the business that my family ran, and everything basically started to change, slowly.

Now that is basically where everything went kind of downhill, and knowing my past, I never worked hard in school, I got my 60% without studying, implying I am intelligent, but am I? With South African Public schools I highly doubt it. But that is not the point, my point is I never really knew how to work hard, I either got everything I wanted or I didn’t. Which is sad, because some people would turn the world upside down just to get what they want, with hard work and some evilness in between?

So with this in mind (all of the above), I did get the chance to go to University, as I was a teenager, the University I attended… was not the one I had planned for… Which created conflict within myself, and added to this conflict I never knew what it meant to actually study, or work hard and get what I want. I dropped out. Gave up on my dream of becoming a mechanical/electrical Engineer or to say electromechanical engineer and thus I ended up studying Graphic and Web Design. Bringing me to the point of where I am today, and listening to old music, realising and seeing my life already, not going accordingly to plan.

When I do listening all these things pop up in some form in my head or in my gut, and it do create unease within myself, tension, regret, and some blame for what happened and didn’t happen. All the while I actually still love listening to the music – for the music…

So, here I have an opportunity to correct myself, chase a newly created goal among many other (not dreams, for I am not sleeping), and clearing myself up from this “baggage” that’s holding me back.

J 

Day 92 – Unsafe, Part 3

When and as I see myself feeling unsafe because of freedom of choice I have within my occupation I stop and I breathe. I realise that this feeling of being unsafe is just because I am not directing self, and taking on the responsibility,

When and as I see myself feeling overwhelmed due to freedom of choice, I stop and I breathe, I realise that I am just displaced within myself, and that I need to re-align my direction and responsibility and thus I commit and allow myself within the moment of the feeling to inhale, make the decision within myself to move myself forward with self-direction and responsibility.

When and as I see myself going into self-doubt and due to the doubt that I will not be moving forward within myself and my occupation, so I stop and I breathe, to see and assess the situation and to allow myself to not doubt but instead go ahead, and make my choice, and even if they are wrong or not the best, this is how I will learn, and gain experience.

When and as I see myself having triggered and activate the point for a train of thoughts to run through my mind by thinking that I am unsafe, I stop and I breathe, I concentrate on my body, fingers and toes, to get my focus off of the thoughts, and get my sense of direction in order. Thus commit myself to focus on the physical, at what is here, in the word that I can see in front of me, and what I need to do next.

When and as I see myself feeling that I will be safe within the system as having a job, working under a boss, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is just an illusion and that it is actually not as safe as I make myself believe it to be. Thus I commit myself to let go of this believe within myself by realising that I am in control of my reality and what I do within it, thus realising that I am here, in the physical moving myself and my word accordingly to what I need to achieve.

When and as I see myself following within the footsteps of acting and living as if I am a person that is just employed and not realising that I am actually running a business, I stop and I breathe, to realise that I am limiting myself in the aspect of standing firm within my word and my deed, not allowing myself to go out into the business world and speak my word with meaning. I commit and allow myself to take in this responsibility as self, and direct myself within each and every moment that I am walking within my shoes to give it my all, and to live my words that I speak – to be able to reach my true potential within what I am capable of in this point in time.

When and as I see myself feeling or believing that I am incompetent because I have struggles with communicating with ease, I stop and I breathe, I realise that this is a point that will hinder me further in life, and if I do not start using the tools that is being proved to improve myself with, I will keep on having this pattern of feeling incompetent, doubt and fear within myself when speaking to others – again hindering my business and myself from reaching my potentials. I commit and allow myself to when and as I speak, meaning communicating, with other people that the words I use is mine, that I am certain of them, that I understand my own words, and that I speak it off my chest, from within – to feel the flow within body, my chest, to my first instance of opening my mouth as the word is leaving my mouth onto the person I am in contact with, to be sure that I am directing myself, my words, my world – thus self-directing within communicating.

When and as I see myself wanting to be untruthful towards myself, and wanting to settle for less, I stop and I realise that this is not what is best for all, by limiting my myself I am limiting the world, for I have something to offer – as do all – as so I have to play my role, so I commit and allow myself to eradicate this pattern of thoughts by stabilising my body in the physical, first with a breath inhaling-exhaling and be here, to then focus on my reality and my body – finger tips and toes – and from that moment on, implement self-direction and responsibility.

Day 91 – Unsafe, Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unsafe in my field of work due to all the free choice I have in the decisions I am making, and that I am the only one responsible for every decision I make.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that the free choice within my working field is overwhelming, and that I find it still strange, instead of embracing it, and walk with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that freedom is too much of a responsibility, for if no one controls me, then anything can basically happen, either stand still in whatever I do, or move forward and reach my goals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself, and to think by having this freedom I will stand still and not move myself in the direction I want to go in, and thus fail horribly within life – meaning not make a success of my goals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to over think this taking-a-day-off concept, and instead, before do take a day of, I assess my business and work accordingly to make sure I am not hindering myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to activate the train of thoughts through allowing it to rumble off in my mind directly after I have had this particular thought – About feeling unsafe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the illusion of feeling safe within the system, as having a job, and getting paid a rigid amount of money every month, being a slave.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the realm of wanting to be employed, and having the mind-set of a person that just wants a job, and not a business.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within my business to want to refer to it as an job, a vocation, and not admit to myself that I am actually running a business, thus hindering my movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect my business in the sense of not accepting it as mine, not accepting myself to be in the position of being able to run a business.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am incompetent within this line of work, for I believe myself to be a person that has no communication skills, and instead to realise that a person can learn new ways, very easily.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be untruthful, and take time off while I have to work, going into the pretend stage of working...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to settle for less, meaning not working to reach my true full potential of what I am capable of doing.

Day 90 - Unsafe

Capturing a thought in mid-air, always fascinating.

That thought would be that I feel unsafe within what I do for a living, meaning my occupation. I find this all too strange still, working on my own time, making my own decisions, where I have to implement self-direction and responsibility. Thus, through doing all of this, I will be the one who decides how much I will be earning at the end of a month, and how far I will be driving myself to do better.

Now that is all linked to this one thought - Being unsafe. Why I feel unsafe within this is because if one day in the month I decide not to do any of this, then I’ll bear the consequences of my actions.  It is so easy to say today I am taking a day off, or not even taking a day off but acting as if I am working while actually doing nothing, expecting myself to move forward with such an attitude. Whereas this creates the thought of where I would think I am unsafe.

So after this particular thought, I’d have a follow-up of other thoughts where my mind will think of a different situation where I will actually feel safe within, for example working for a boss, being the employee. Where I know whatever I do, my salary at the end of the month will stay the same, so it is then basically “safe” to take a day off, while at work, meaning acting as if you are working whilst not, but still getting paid. A mind fuck, yes.

So, I’ll be looking into this for the next few days, and set myself free from this illusion that I am unsafe, and just realise that self-direction is not only in your business world that needs to be applied, but also in everyday life.

Just for the record, being an employee doesn’t necessarily make you safe…

J